Advice on wife's idea for our finances

[jmetsrule]

I'll be curious to see the update as well.

Good luck.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Good luck! I'm curious what happens. It's not a money problem it's a marriage problem.

[DanaFinance]

Well it has been two weeks. It has been difficult for me dealing with the restricted budget I agreed to. Especially considering my wife wanted my allowance day to be Friday, so last week I got my allowance on Thursday and this week it will be Friday, so I’ve had to go 8 days both of these first two weeks.

The first week I was under $2 by Sunday, my wife asked if I had gas until Thursday. I said I did, and she said then you are fine. I’ve done better this week, I still have $10. It will be a learning experience.

In two weeks we are going to discuss how much the arrangement has helped the overall finances. She has told me, she has already noticed the difference, not just in the lack of chaos I caused by all of withdrawals and purchases, but that there is already a noticeable difference in the amount of money available.

I am anticipating our discussion in 2 weeks, I am glad this has helped our finances and my wife is much, much happier. But I have so little money, I really feel it. But it is a sacrifice that I needed to make. My wife had to deal with ruined budgets for years and for her not have to deal with that and be much happier, is important to me. While leaning towards doing this when I posted, I needed the encouragement I got from some of the posters. This is harder than I thought but my wife’s happiness is a lot more than I expected.

I’ll will likely update again after our one month discussion.

[Jluke]

The first week I was under $2 by Sunday, my wife asked if I had gas until Thursday. I said I did, and she said then you are fine. I’ve done better this week, I still have $10. It will be a learning experience.

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Are you tracking where your allowance is going?

For instance, Is there anything that you buy that could be bought at the grocery store?

Is it coffee?

Thanks for the update and hang in there. You will be amazed at how this change will have a positive impact on your finances.

[Starry436]

My husband has a similar mind frame. He will spend everything in his account and then start dipping into his savings. This is why we have separate accounts. I manage all our money, bills, every single thing. There are many days of the week where I resent him for this, for not having a clue, or common sense as I say. Feeling like he's a child and I'm the mom. It's not a good feeling, and it leads to complete distrusts and endless arguments.

We have separate checking accounts and savings account but then we have a joint checking and savings account. I use this account to flow money into for bills. There's no way any time soon that I would combine our accounts that our paychecks go into. He would spend all of his and my money if so. When he gets paid, I login to his account and flow money into the joint checking and savings. He still has access to this money but he knows those accounts are off limits and the only money he's left with is what is left in his original checking account. This works well but I still get very mad when I see all of his purchases to gas stations and fast food. I have daily balance alerts setup on his account so he knows how much he has, otherwise he would overdraw because he never checks his account balance. He just thinks the debit card is always loaded. So essentially, I'm his wife but I'm acting as his mother on finances and trust me, I hate it.

I don't see our situation changing, it's been like this for years. But maybe you could setup your accounts in a similar fashion and try it that way. Whatever you do, get a hold of your situation and make changes. You're doing right by asking for advice here, it means you acknowledge your problems. Now just be open minded and work on resolving those, it will be so beneficial to your marriage.

[~bs]

Are you tracking where your allowance is going?

For instance, Is there anything that you buy that could be bought at the grocery store?

Is it coffee?

Thanks for the update and hang in there. You will be amazed at how this change will have a positive impact on your finances.

by tracking where it's going, you can also see if the allowance amount is too much or too little. If the husband isn't spending anything except on bare necessities and gas, then it's better to up the allowance a bit since you're not trying to torture him. But if there's already decent "fat" in the allowance, I'd leave it as-is so he can learn proper management.

And as an incentive, he can roll balances forward.

[DanaFinance]

My husband has a similar mind frame. . . . Now just be open minded and work on resolving those, it will be so beneficial to your marriage.

This is why we put in place what we did. A joint restricted savings account for me and a very restricted access joint account that is my wife's. See that post on the second page. My wife didn't want to deal with any of it anymore. I'm given an allowance and expected to stay within it, except for emergencies, e.g. the car breaks down or something.

Since doing this, my wife is much happier and loves that the budget is not being messed by me. This is only after 2 weeks.

[DanaFinance]

by tracking where it's going, you can also see if the allowance amount is too much or too little. If the husband isn't spending anything except on bare necessities and gas, then it's better to up the allowance a bit since you're not trying to torture him. But if there's already decent "fat" in the allowance, I'd leave it as-is so he can learn proper management.

And as an incentive, he can roll balances forward.

Currently, it is a bare necessities allowance and my wife would like to leave it that way for six months before we even discuss making any changes. If it is really bad we can discuss sooner, but she really wants me to think about my spending for the first 6 months.

I do get roll over whatever is leftover, this week it maybe $8.

As a reminder, I did agree to all of this before we implemented it. While tough, seeing her so much happier where money is concerned, makes it a little easier.

[Gailete]

Currently, it is a bare necessities allowance and my wife would like to leave it that way for six months before we even discuss making any changes. If it is really bad we can discuss sooner, but she really wants me to think about my spending for the first 6 months.

I do get roll over whatever is leftover, this week it maybe $8.

As a reminder, I did agree to all of this before we implemented it. While tough, seeing her so much happier where money is concerned, makes it a little easier.

Kudos to loving your wife enough to do this!!!

I'm not saying that this happened with you two, but one of the things that happened to me with Mr. BigBucks (and I am sure to many spouses in this situation) because he was irresponsible and selfish and didn't care about the rest of us, he thought nothing about how much he was spending, if he could get away with it, he did. What happened was the finances became total hash, while he took a cash advance or used a card to buy whatever he wanted, I would go without so to save money to be able to pay the bills. At one point I finally decided that I had to do something and every time I had a chance, and it wasn't often, I would slip a dollar or two into an envelope in my day planner. He didn't know about that envelope otherwise the money would have been gone or his son would have taken it (who had a warped idea that any money found around the house was the finders!). At the end of the year, I finally had enough in cash to pay for new glasses that I had needed for years. His eyeballs about popped out of his head when he saw me pull out CASH to pay for them, not charge them. If he had known the day before that I had it, he would have found umpteen ways to spend it and he was a primo manipulator.

Whoever is the most responsible with the finances is going to most likely be giving up what they need to make ends meet and it does make for an angry spouse. My boys father was a very selfish guy and if we went out to eat (back about 30-35 years ago) I would say I have only $10, he would stand there and order $5 worth of stuff for himself and leave me to figure out what to buy for $5 for two boys and me. Once we ended up eating with a family that we knew. Without thinking I reached for one of my husband’s French fries that I had paid for and he had the gall to tell me to stop it they were HIS! A couple of months after we broke up, the boys and I were at the same restaurant and the same family was there. Things were tough, and I had skipped fries for myself. When that other husband saw I had none and well remembering years before when I couldn't have any of my husband's fries, he pushed his bag towards me and told me to have some. I about broke down on bawling on the spot.

Hard for those who have never found themselves in this kind of situation, but if the spouse is a selfish, spoiled person and doesn't want to help the situation, then NO something like this isn't going to work. But if they know THEY have a problem with money and they truly love and want what is best for their family, it may be hard, but you do it. Which is why, yet again Kudos to you!

[DanaFinance]

Kudos to loving your wife enough to do this!!! . . .

Yes, that is exactly why I did this. We both had minor reservations about this. She wanted to be sure it seemed reasonable. I needed to hear that too.

This is a long-term commitment on my part, not just the 6 months of a small allowance and 2 years (+?) of the current financial set up, but an heart-felt and directed effort to get my spending and our finances under control. I plan on doing whatever it takes to rebuild the monetary trust and continue to make her happy and her management of our finances easier. That is the bottom line.

[msomnipotent]

This is why we put in place what we did. A joint restricted savings account for me and a very restricted access joint account that is my wife's. See that post on the second page. My wife didn't want to deal with any of it anymore. I'm given an allowance and expected to stay within it, except for emergencies, e.g. the car breaks down or something.

Since doing this, my wife is much happier and loves that the budget is not being messed by me. This is only after 2 weeks.

I'm officially jealous of your wife. I wish you could talk to my husband. He has been especially loose with money lately since I let him have the $1700 tv, and we have the money we were going to use for a down payment on a house, AND there is a bonus coming up in April. He isn't sure he is getting one, or how much it will be if he does, but he already has it spent in his mind several times over. Little does he know that any bonus will be going towards summer vacation and the 529. If there is any left over, we are redoing the closets.

[snafu]

msomnipotent, In hopes of being helpful I ask, 'have you read the popular 'The Life-Changing*Magic of Tidying Up' [M Kondo]? For those of us [+ participating family members] following the suggested process, found enormous change. You may conclude new closet/closest remodel is no longer worth the time, money and effort required.

[DanaFinance]

I'm officially jealous of your wife. I wish you could talk to my husband. He has been especially loose with money lately since I let him have the $1700 tv, and we have the money we were going to use for a down payment on a house, AND there is a bonus coming up in April. He isn't sure he is getting one, or how much it will be if he does, but he already has it spent in his mind several times over. Little does he know that any bonus will be going towards summer vacation and the 529. If there is any left over, we are redoing the closets.

The tone you are taking regarding planning for his bonus is basically how my wife presented her plan to me. However, with it being rather drastic, she wanted, really expected, my agreement otherwise it would not be working. That is why she was also willing to get input here, if it was a reasonable plan. We are both thankful for the majority of support the plan got from you and so many others on this site.

I think we are older than you and your husband, and it could be because of my age that I was leaning towards agreeing even before we got the input here. If I was younger I don’t know how I would have reacted towards her proposal.

But I will say that my wife’s no nonsense, this is how it needs to be tone (sort of like your “Little does he know”) during our first discussion, that made me begin to see the light and understand that my agreeing to this was extremely important to her and our marriage.

We wish you luck, but keep on being assertive like you have indicated in this and your first post in this topic. Maybe your husband will come around. It did take me awhile, like several years.

[Gailete]

We wish you luck, but keep on being assertive like you have indicated in this and your first post in this topic. Maybe your husband will come around. It did take me awhile, like several years.

Part of the reason that it is so vital to have love, respect and caring in the equation. Won't work otherwise. There is a big difference. My current husband, even though we may not always see eye to eye on something, we will agree jointly to something in the best thing for our family. My boys father didn't trust me enough after 12-13 years of marriage to pick up his pay check from him to deposit it in the bank. His mother would come and get it every week for him. I had not done a thing to cause anyone to mistrust me with money. I have had jobs where I handled money and never had a problem with any missing. I don't steal nor was I ever a spendaholic in any sense of the word. He was mentally ill plus tied so tightly to his mother's apron strings it was unbelievable and he had no desire to break loose. That is a not a man that you could get to do what DanaFinance is doing. Current hubby, we have love and trust and can work together.

You may wonder why I was ever married to that first guy. His whole family helped conspire to cover up his deficits until after I said I do. He was an only son and they wanted grandchildren to carry on the family name. Joke was on all of them though. I see no grandchildren in my future. May be too much information, but I knew some here thought the whole concept was nuts and a sign of a poor marriage. I could see something more because of my own personal experience with guys on the other side of the fence, and wanted to encourage him to go down that long road with his wife. When they are retired and on the beach in Hawaii or somewhere because they were able to set aside the money for a great retirement, they will look back at this time, knowing it was what made their marriage as hard steel. Not doing it, could have led to disaster. Maybe not in the next year or two, but eventually.

[DanaFinance]

Part of the reason that it is so vital to have love, respect and caring in the equation. . . . May be too much information, but I knew some here thought the whole concept was nuts and a sign of a poor marriage. I could see something more because of my own personal experience with guys on the other side of the fence, and wanted to encourage him to go down that long road with his wife.

Gailete, Again thank you for all your input. The sense of relief I see in my wife and her increased happiness after just 2 weeks, let me know I absolutely did the right thing! She has already told me a few times, not having to deal with my messing up the finances even for this short period and having the level of control that she now has in “her” account is really important to her. I am frustrated by my lack of money, but it is significantly offset by how much happier this has made her.

Both my wife and I, especially my wife, are very appreciative of the encouragement we received from you and the others on this site for adopting this arrangement.