Advice on wife's idea for our finances

[Gailete]

I am frustrated by my lack of money, but it is significantly offset by how much happier this has made her.

Eventually, you will find that you are more in control of your money and you have sufficient or you will find some ways to bring in more, which I doubt that your wife would have a problem with you doing so. I discovered via one of the posters here that Bing rewards those that use their search engine. I have already had $5 given to me and depending on how things go, I am maybe a week or less away from another $5. I'm having those littles bits deposited into an Acorns account, but I could have just as easily had it deposited into my bank account. If you are going to need to do internet searches, you might as well be paid for doing them. I am sure having an extra $5 in your account will suddenly start to make you feel 'rich'.

[DanaFinance]

Eventually, you will find that you are more in control of your money and you have sufficient or you will find some ways to bring in more, which I doubt that your wife would have a problem with you doing so. I discovered via one of the posters here that Bing rewards those that use their search engine. I have already had $5 given to me and depending on how things go, I am maybe a week or less away from another $5. I'm having those littles bits deposited into an Acorns account, but I could have just as easily had it deposited into my bank account. If you are going to need to do internet searches, you might as well be paid for doing them. I am sure having an extra $5 in your account will suddenly start to make you feel 'rich'.

I may have to take your suggestion. As I noted in my post a couple of days ago, my wife is quickly noticing, after just 2 weeks, how much extra money is in "her" account. She is already hinting that she wants to keep my allowance at $20 plus $15 for gas per week for up to a year instead of just the 6 months. She says it will help her pay off our credit card and build up our savings faster. Not happy about the suggestion, but I am sure we will have that discussion in the next month or so. We'll see.

[sblatner]

I'm so happy this is working for you...thanks for updating us! I was the one who suggested you maintain joint ownership of the account but restrict your access. I'm glad you did that.

[Gailete]

As someone that still remembers gas being less than $1/gallon, your $15 gas allotment each week, will need to be adjusted so that you aren't stuck not being able to go to work because gas jumped up $2/gallon in a week or two. Be sure to save you receipts and track your mileage, so that if the price goes up, your wife can immediately see it as a reasonable request if it needs to go up to $17-20 or whatever, so you can still get to work and back - I'm assuming that is what your gas allotment covers.

[DanaFinance]

Be sure to save you receipts and track your mileage, so that if the price goes up, your wife can immediately see it as a reasonable request if it needs to go up to $17-20 or whatever, so you can still get to work and back - I'm assuming that is what your gas allotment covers.

Wow, you really do understand how this is set up. My gas allotment really is only for going to work and back, we based the current amount on an average over 6 months for the $15. My wife has me give her the gas receipts already. She would have no problem adjusting the gas part as needed.

In addition, after I got down to $2 in the first four days and based on Jluke and ~bs suggestions I now have to keep a record of all of my expenses. It is helping me. When I got my allowance today, I still had a little over $6 left. Probably part of the reason my wife is thinking we can keep this at $20 plus gas for the whole year (though not yet decided).

[DanaFinance]

I'm so happy this is working for you...thanks for updating us! I was the one who suggested you maintain joint ownership of the account but restrict your access. I'm glad you did that.

Yes, and thank you for the suggestion, however, it is not truly a joint account any more because of my restricted access, but my name is still on it. She is the primary owner and I am an ancillary user, but can get to it in emergencies, etc. (I won't go into the details). We were very happy our bank was able to set up an account that met what my wife wanted and let me still be able to access when needed. It was a very good suggestion to look into that.

[sblatner]

Yes, and thank you for the suggestion, however, it is not truly a joint account any more because of my restricted access, but my name is still on it. She is the primary owner and I am an ancillary user, but can get to it in emergencies, etc. (I won't go into the details). We were very happy our bank was able to set up an account that met what my wife wanted and let me still be able to access when needed. It was a very good suggestion to look into that.

Who owns the account? If you are both owners of the money, then it is joint. Doesn't matter who has access. (I'm thinking legally - not who has access to it).

[DanaFinance]

Who owns the account? If you are both owners of the money, then it is joint. Doesn't matter who has access. (I'm thinking legally - not who has access to it).

After your question we looked over the documentation and called the bank because I wanted to be sure we had the correct answer and understood it. For my wife there were 2 important factors, limiting my ability to easily get into “her” accounts (checking and savings) and that I not have access to online banking, including ATMs, for “her” accounts. It is still joint but with a lot of restrictions for my access. My debit card is no longer connected to either main "her" accounts and only she has the password to "her" accounts. The only link between any of the accounts is from "her" checking to "my" savings It also states that I actually have to go inside the bank to do anything with either of "her" accounts.

[sblatner]

After your question we looked over the documentation and called the bank because I wanted to be sure we had the correct answer and understood it. For my wife there were 2 important factors, limiting my ability to easily get into “her” accounts (checking and savings) and that I not have access to online banking, including ATMs, for “her” accounts. It is still joint but with a lot of restrictions for my access. My debit card is no longer connected to either main "her" accounts and only she has the password to "her" accounts. The only link between any of the accounts is from "her" checking to "my" savings It also states that I actually have to go inside the bank to do anything with either of "her" accounts.

I just wanted to make sure if something happens to her, you have access to the funds. You do. You just have to go into the bank. You do not want all the money to be in an account only owned by her as you will have to jump through hoops to access the funds if she can't! Sounds like it is all set up correctly and that it is working for you. I know that it is difficult to stay on budget but you doing this shows how much you love her. I'm sure she has a lot less stress now. Good for you!

[msomnipotent]

msomnipotent, In hopes of being helpful I ask, 'have you read the popular 'The Life-Changing*Magic of Tidying Up' [M Kondo]? For those of us [+ participating family members] following the suggested process, found enormous change. You may conclude new closet/closest remodel is no longer worth the time, money and effort required.

Our closets are basically the only places in the house that are organized. I just want to get rid of all the wire shelving. I can't stand it. Nothing stays upright and all the folded clothes get the waffle imprints. But thanks for the suggestion. I have been thinking of reading that book.

[msomnipotent]

The tone you are taking regarding planning for his bonus is basically how my wife presented her plan to me. However, with it being rather drastic, she wanted, really expected, my agreement otherwise it would not be working. That is why she was also willing to get input here, if it was a reasonable plan. We are both thankful for the majority of support the plan got from you and so many others on this site.

I think we are older than you and your husband, and it could be because of my age that I was leaning towards agreeing even before we got the input here. If I was younger I don’t know how I would have reacted towards her proposal.

But I will say that my wife’s no nonsense, this is how it needs to be tone (sort of like your “Little does he know”) during our first discussion, that made me begin to see the light and understand that my agreeing to this was extremely important to her and our marriage.

We wish you luck, but keep on being assertive like you have indicated in this and your first post in this topic. Maybe your husband will come around. It did take me awhile, like several years.

My husband is in his 50's and we have been married almost 20 years. His main problem is that he was raised to believe the man is in charge and the wife does whatever he wants. I have no idea why he married me, because he knows full well that the women are in charge on my side of the family. He also thinks he knows much more about money than he actually knows. And he makes an above average salary, so he expects to have above average things. He seems to be getting worse about spending the older he gets. He was kind of a cheapskate when we first married. I'm half expecting him to pull into the driveway in a red sports car with a hot blonde any day now.

[~bs]

Our closets are basically the only places in the house that are organized. I just want to get rid of all the wire shelving. I can't stand it. Nothing stays upright and all the folded clothes get the waffle imprints. But thanks for the suggestion. I have been thinking of reading that book.

cheap fix is to use cardboard cutout and lay down. More expensive is to use pexiglass or particle board. Both is going to be way cheaper than attempting to replace the shelving. ALternatively you can use storage containers on top of the closet shelving.

[DanaFinance]

My husband is in his 50's and we have been married almost 20 years. His main problem is that he was raised to believe the man is in charge and the wife does whatever he wants. I have no idea why he married me, because he knows full well that the women are in charge on my side of the family. He also thinks he knows much more about money than he actually knows. And he makes an above average salary, so he expects to have above average things. He seems to be getting worse about spending the older he gets. He was kind of a cheapskate when we first married. I'm half expecting him to pull into the driveway in a red sports car with a hot blonde any day now.

I’m in my early sixties, but the other thing you mentioned is interesting. While I didn’t notice a great difference in who was in charge in my family, my dad did defer to my mom for a lot of things. The women on my wife’s side are very assertive, I am surprised that my wife waited this long to put her foot down. As I’ve mentioned we’ve discussed this in the past and she proposed several fixes, which haven’t really worked. Part of her not insisting in the past may be that I too make above average, so no real overall financial issues, but everything else I’ve mentioned.

She was highly insistent this time, especially after we got majority support on this site. She is already hinting at extending the “bare necessities” allowance and the time for this financial arrangement. If that is what she wants, I will likely go along.

[DanaFinance]

I have 2 updates this time. This one that goes over our first monthly finances discussion and the second update where I discuss my thoughts about this.


We had our one month discussion a few days early. My wife is very happy. She thanked me for agreeing to her plan.

This was the first month she didn’t dread logging on to on-line banking, wondering how much I had spent and how many updates she’d have to make to the ledger. She thanked me for staying within my allowance, in fact, after almost a month it looks like I will have accumulated $22 by Friday. I am actually proud that I have saved over a week’s allowance in three weeks (remember the first week was a disaster). She was proud of my ability to reduce my spending that much and acknowledged how hard that must have been and how hard it is going to continue to be (see below).

We looked over “her” account. She pointed out the significant difference in the number of transactions since I have not been on her account. She really enjoys not having to worry about what is going on in her account, it makes her life a lot easier! The other big news was that she had an extra few hundred this month. She used it to pay more on the credit card. She said that of course it was much better than trying to figure out how to pay bills and moving money around. She loves how this is going so far, she said she’d like to build up our savings after paying off the credit card which at this pace should take 6-7 months.

She was effusive about how much she appreciates me agreeing to this, how much happier and how much less stress she is experiencing. She really wants to build up our savings and she mentioned how I was able to save ~$22 this month. Based on this she said, as she had been hinting, that she would like to keep my allowance at $20/week for the next year. We discussed this at length, how yes I have adapted pretty well after a month but that is a little scary, as it is not a lot of money. She said that it really important to her. She wants to build up our savings. She mentioned that with how things were before, there were lots of times, over the years, she had to adjust to the lack of money left, and that I could do this for a year. After a lengthy discussion I agreed to extend the low “bare necessities” allowance to a year.

Additionally, she is torn about the total length of this arrangement. She thinks that the 2 years agreed to should be enough time to get the finances settled, for me to learn and understand how my spending was impacting things, and to learn how to budget and not spend as much, but she really loves that I can’t affect the main “her” account, and it feels really good to her to have that level of control. Because of that, it is extremely attractive to her to continue this arrangement for a total of 3 to 4 years, but giving me a bigger allowance after the first year. On the other hand if at 2 years she feels she has gotten the trust back, she thinks she needs to stick to the plan as we originally agreed. She is really wrestling with this, she loves the control and peace of mind, so at the moment she is leaning towards extending, but said she won’t make up her mind until near the end of the two years. Even though she reads my posts here, either before or after posting, and knows that if she wanted to push this, I would probably agree, she said it is too soon to do this.

I am glad that so far I have been able to adapt to the lack of money, because I really, really love seeing her so happy and stress free. I wish I’d figured this out sooner and agreed to one of the earlier, similar plans. I love her too much to fail her this time.

[DanaFinance]

I have to admit this first month has been really tough. I essentially didn’t have any money after the first week. When I mentioned it to my wife, it wasn’t a complaint just an update. Not surprisingly as I did agree to the plan, her response of noting that I had enough gas until my next allowance, was both tough and correct! That first week really brought to my attention what it must have been like for her over the past years. My situation made me better understand where she was coming from and why she essentially insisted I agree to all of this.

As I noted in a post to msomnipotent, the women on her side are very assertive, including her, and with her obtaining my agreement for this she has become even more assertive now. She has been honest with me, saying having the level of control over our money she now has, much more than before, has made her feel more in charge of our whole relationship and that she likes it. I’ve noticed it. She has become much more insistent about things, and I have been more deferential to and agreeable with her. The most notable of this was after the first week with me having so little money left, and the suggestions that I keep a written record of my expenses. She basically told me that since I had gotten to the point of no money so fast and that those were good ideas, that she expected me to get a journal and keep track of all of my spending in it and show it to her every week. Unlike the bigger changes there was no discussion that time, she just told me to do it. Did I feel a little resentful, yes. Did I like the idea of her scrutinizing my every expense, no. Did she make the argument that I had money management problems and needed the oversight and discipline, she did, and I understood and just did it. I am still getting use to these weekly discussions and my wife’s sometimes harsh input. It is difficult to justify every expense to her, she is just trying help but her presentation is tough and having her scrutinize everything like that is rough. She does have good suggestions and it is obviously helpful as I have a near $22 excess now.

That excess makes me feel a little better about my restrictive allowance and that I’ve agreed to keep it at this level for a whole year. After years of basically spending how and when I wanted, to be restricted to this extent is quite a change! While I know if it is important, say a car repair, that it will be paid for by my wife, the very little amount of money she routinely permits me otherwise, is striking and restrictive. And as I noted in a reply to Gailete, the amount of gas money is only enough to get me to work and back. To a point I think that is why she set the amount so low, so I would understand what she has had to deal with the last few years and for me to learn how to budget better, much better. I did accept this, the extension and I fully agree.

Now for the flip side. Even though it is obvious our relationship dynamic has changed, I believe it was necessary, my wife was very unhappy and for the last few months also angry with me. I am certain that is why she was so insistent. So I needed to do this for my wife. Once there was a majority of support on the site, it was obvious that what my wife wanted me to agree to was reasonable and was needed to move us forward financially. It is so great to me to see her so happy and much less stressed after we implemented this. It wasn’t until after we did this, did I realize just how important this was to her. Even though the lack of money for me is difficult, and her increased assertiveness is interesting and a little challenging for me, I am glad I agreed to this.