Advice on wife's idea for our finances

[msomnipotent]

As a woman that has gone through something like this for years with someone that makes HUGE money mistakes repeatedly, just do whatever it is she wants you to do before she chokes the life out of you. You say that trust is high, but she is telling you that she does not trust you with money at all and is taking your name off of the accounts. You have to work to earn trust again. Ask for your name to be put back on the accounts if you go six months or so without overspending. Double check with your bank to make sure you can have your checked deposited into an account with only her name on it. And once you are back on the account, I'm begging you, do NOT go back to your old ways. I think that is what sets me off the most. My husband will do something the very second I think that maybe he has finally learned his lesson, and we are right back to where we were. We just started talking to each other today after having a huge fight two weeks ago and he has the nerve to tell me that there is a $1,700 tv at Costco that he wants! This is why his name is not on our online savings account. He didn't like it either, but this is how it is going to be. His name is on the emergency savings account, but he doesn't know the password and doesn't have the debit card to it, and he never will.

I know a $1,700 tv is pretty large compared to what you say you are spending, but the small things add up too. My husband takes $300 out of the ATM every time, and he mindlessly goes back to the ATM whenever he wants cash. There are months when he will take $900 out of our checking account and not write it in the ledger, and not be able to tell me what he spent the money on. He likes to say he spends it on food and gas, but I see those charges on the credit cards that I have to wait until next payday to pay off because there isn't enough money in the checking account!

I wish my husband was as willing to do this as you are. Just being willing to try to improve goes a long way. I really wish you luck and tell your wife that she has a soul sister here!

[Benderz]

Written Budget! Fresh for every pay period before it begins. Both of you agree to it and when an emergency change is needed, agree in writing how to adjust. And of course cut up the cards and disable overdraft. Just another reason why these are bad for the majority. Spend less than you make on paper and don't cheat by borrowing money. Rip that band aid off fast by making those changes now and not being cute by hiding the cards. you need the urgency.

[snafu]

Welcome to SA.

After 20 years of having to manage the financial crises you create, your wife demands change. You agree you have repeatedly proved that you are financially irresponsible. How many times over 20 years have you had to use POA? What genuine crisis have you had in the past 30 days? 90 days?

I suggest you make the change as easy as possible for wife by removing your access to all accounts and handing over CC, Debit card[s]. I'm confident you can operate with a cash allowance, doled out weekly or bi weekly at an agreed amount. Once the money is gone, your spending halts until the next allowance date. Get gas once a week, every Sunday for example [preferably with DW in the car].

It's in your interest to be mindful of spending by 1st noting every 'spend' on a week-by-week list on your cell phone. Many of the participants here do this for 30 day sprints to identify money 'leaks.' Some of us 'give every dollar a job,' to ensure value for money.

[Gailete]

Just being willing to try to improve goes a long way. I really wish you luck and tell your wife that she has a soul sister here!

Amen sister!

At one point because Mr. Big Bucks was whining that he needed a way to pay tolls etc. (he was a trucker), I finally gave in and let him have one of his cards back. I think it was the next day if not that week, he called me to tell me he had bought a laptop off of some other trucker for $400 using a cash advance off the card! He was just so full of jolly good reasons for why this would save us money because instead of calling me all the time he could email me. I got exactly ONE email from that lap top and the long distance phone calls continued because a lot of the truck stops at the time didn't have wifi or you had to pay for internet access. The next thing I knew he was home doing something or other with the laptop open, remember those ribbon like wires for the early ones?, somehow he cut it with a pair of scissors. that was one very expensive email. But this sort of thing was a matter of course. He had his cell phone and I couldn't figure out why the bill then was running over $200/month. Apparently he daily called anybody and everybody. My mom only told me after we were divorced that he had been calling her daily. She didn't want to talk to him and she knew it was costing him/us money, but he persisted. I was at a wedding shower for my niece and he called three times just for nonsense, like what should we have for supper. He would call me at work to pick a fight. At the time I was working in a jail and finally had the officer answer the phone to tell him to cut it out with calling me. Everything he ever estimated the cost of was usually 1/10 of what the final bill would be and he did the same thing with how long a time something would take as well. Over the 4 years we were married, he destroyed any trust I had in him. I would have loved it if he had been willing to give up the spending. He never even tried, or his 'trying' took the form of doing something stupid like buying that laptop.

[Gailete]

Written Budget! Fresh for every pay period before it begins. Both of you agree to it and when an emergency change is needed, agree in writing how to adjust. And of course cut up the cards and disable overdraft. Just another reason why these are bad for the majority. Spend less than you make on paper and don't cheat by borrowing money. Rip that band aid off fast by making those changes now and not being cute by hiding the cards. you need the urgency.

Unfortunately in this sort of situation, your approach won't and doesn't work. Why, because everything becomes an emergency, or too good to pass up up, or whatever. Even something as silly as paying top dollar for a bottle of pop at work out of the vending machine a couple of times a day instead of buying 6-packs or 24 packs when on sale at the grocery store or WM. And since he doesn't have cash he goes to the ATM and takes out $20-40 so he can get a $1 can of pop and then the rest of the money trickles on out of his pocket. Instead of just drinking free water.

I'm sure he is very aware of what he can and can't spend but that doesn't mean that he can stick to a budget. What his wife has suggested is to take the band-aid off. He needs to earn her trust again. That will, I'm sorry to say take some time.

[~bs]

wow, what a patient wife. Sounds like letting her take the lead, and doling out an allowance for you to use is not a bad idea. She let you run amok for 20 years, you should give her a honest shot. I've known quite a few couples where one person was horrible with money, and the other was better with finances. If that's the case, it's better to let the financially minded person "wear the pants".

That being said, you must let her take control and not attempt to pressure her into giving into your bad habits, otherwise you're right back where you started.

[DanaFinance]

Wow everyone, thank you for the input. My wife and I will read over all of this and I will respond later today.

It seems most of you are very supportive of my wife's plan.

I want to mention that for whatever reason my response to Gailete's original post never posted. It was the first response by a woman. The gist of my response was that I haven't caused the amount of problems that she had endure, but my wife has had it! My wife really liked two of Gailete's statements: “Go along with her on whatever she wants to do!” and “But I think your wife has put you on notice that it is do this or else.”

My wife is not considering divorce, not at all, but yes we are essentially at an "or else" point. While my wife and I have been having a discussion this past week, she has been pretty adamant about implementing this.

It looks like my wife has a lot of support here! I want to provide a thoughtful response to all of this, so it has to wait until I get home tonight.

One update, after seeing the general concensus here, my wife decided it was time for me to give her all of my credit cards except for the one mentioned earlier, where she has to text approval of all transactions (yes even hers). I readily gave them to her.

We look forward to further comments/input.

[DanaFinance]

Wow everybody thanks for all responses. My wife and I will have to read them over and I will respond later today after work. It seems that most here are supportive of my wife’s plan.

I want to mention, that my first response to Gailete’s first post, never posted for whatever reason. It was the first response by a woman. The gist of the response was that while I haven’t caused as many problems as Gailete had to endure, my wife has had it! The problems are significant from her perspective.

In addition, my wife said she is not going to divorce me, not even a thought. She did take to 2 of Gailete’s comments: “Go along with her on whatever she wants to do!” and “But I think your wife has put you on notice that it is do this or else.” Per my wife we have gotten to an essentially “or else” situation. She is really tired of this. During the past week’s discussion my wife has been adamant in implementing this plan. The support she is seeing here is encouraging her that this is a reasonable approach.

One update, due to the general support here, my wife said that she wanted me to give her all of my credit cards, except for the one mentioned earlier where she has to text her approval of transactions (even hers) this morning. I turned them over to her.

Like I said a more in depth thoughtful comes later today. We look forward to further comments and input

[Jluke]

Something else you can try is to limit putting yourself in situations where you are tempted to make purchases.

For instance (guess on my part) If you are getting gas, don’t go inside and buy snacks/drinks.

Stock up on groceries and don’t buy lunch at work. Vending machines are evil. I think Gailette mentioned these.

It is good that you are not in denial about this but you really need to focus on what drives your poor financial habits and if it is something that you can change. And figure out how to change.

[bjl584]

Marriage is a partnership.
Handing over control doesn't seem like a partnership at all. That's more like parenting.

I think you are looking at the wrong problem. Money isn't an issue. Behavior is an issue.

Look for ways to fix your behavior.

I think that having every major purchase discussed and having an allowance or slush fund that each of you can use for everyday purchases is a better way to approach this. Simply relinquishing control doesn't show trust or a strong partnership.

You two need to sit down on a regular basis and discuss your finances. You need to create a monthly budget together and track all of your income and expenses. You need to lay out all of your financial goals and then create and execute a plan to get there. You need to give each other encouragement along the way.

I think having a clear cut vision and goal and having a plan in place to get there will work way better than simply letting the wife control all of the money.

[Gailete]

Marriage is a partnership.
Handing over control doesn't seem like a partnership at all. That's more like parenting.

I think you are looking at the wrong problem. Money isn't an issue. Behavior is an issue.

Look for ways to fix your behavior.

I think that having every major purchase discussed and having an allowance or slush fund that each of you can use for everyday purchases is a better way to approach this. Simply relinquishing control doesn't show trust or a strong partnership.

You two need to sit down on a regular basis and discuss your finances. You need to create a monthly budget together and track all of your income and expenses. You need to lay out all of your financial goals and then create and execute a plan to get there. You need to give each other encouragement along the way.

I think having a clear cut vision and goal and having a plan in place to get there will work way better than simply letting the wife control all of the money.

While this may seem harsh, at this point he needs to establish trust with his wife considering money matters. I suspect that many of these things could have been tried and none worked which has gotten them to this point. It is one of the reasons that I even suggested that he try to live a bit frugally so at the end of a specified time, he could give his wife what is extra in his account, to show her that he is truly trying. It may take some time - years even. In some ways couples may be using this approach anyhow in many various forms.

My husband carries a card that he can use as needed (not as wanted since our budget doesn't call for much in the way of wants). He doesn't have a debit card because our checking account gets run down to almost zero and so the last thing I need is him taking out $40 for something when we only have $15. It would also cost us extra to have two cards. I do all the bills and handle the money. I have tried to be sure he has cash in his pocket but he gives it back as he knows how tight we are. None of this was done as punishment or due to lack of trust, but simply because we limp along most of the time. We can't afford both of us dipping into empty or nearly so accounts. Before going into town, I balance the checking accounts so I know my limit when getting groceries or medicine.

Please no calls for keeping $1K in the checking account. We literally don't have it and I refuse to tap our retirement account.

[bjl584]

While this may seem harsh, at this point he needs to establish trust with his wife considering money matters. I suspect that many of these things could have been tried and none worked which has gotten them to this point. It is one of the reasons that I even suggested that he try to live a bit frugally so at the end of a specified time, he could give his wife what is extra in his account, to show her that he is truly trying. It may take some time - years even. In some ways couples may be using this approach anyhow in many various forms.

My husband carries a card that he can use as needed (not as wanted since our budget doesn't call for much in the way of wants). He doesn't have a debit card because our checking account gets run down to almost zero and so the last thing I need is him taking out $40 for something when we only have $15. It would also cost us extra to have two cards. I do all the bills and handle the money. I have tried to be sure he has cash in his pocket but he gives it back as he knows how tight we are. None of this was done as punishment or due to lack of trust, but simply because we limp along most of the time. We can't afford both of us dipping into empty or nearly so accounts. Before going into town, I balance the checking accounts so I know my limit when getting groceries or medicine.

Please no calls for keeping $1K in the checking account. We literally don't have it and I refuse to tap our retirement account.

You might be comparing apples to oranges though.
You and your husband have your arrangement due to necessity and your particular situation.
OP described, or appeared to describe, a situation where he was being irresponsible, and after 20 years his wife had finally had enough.
He made no mention of income or savings, so we really don't know the details or numbers behind all of this.

[Gailete]

You might be comparing apples to oranges though.
You and your husband have your arrangement due to necessity and your particular situation.
OP described, or appeared to describe, a situation where he was being irresponsible, and after 20 years his wife had finally had enough.
He made no mention of income or savings, so we really don't know the details or numbers behind all of this.

The point is every married couple has their own ways to handle money. Some are both totally irresponsible and both can be super frugal and then everything in between. It doesn't matter what their income, if he is spending what they need to pay the bills, otherwise I doubt if this problem would need such drastic measures or that she would be as upset.

[scfr]

Your wife's plan may be what is needed in the short term, especially if you have children and they could be harmed by irresponsible financial actions. If your wife is concerned about your children's future, I must say that I don't fault her for wanting to take control. And if you are concerned about your children's and your family's future, then I would not fault you for being willing to turn over control to her short term.

But long-term you'll need to get a handle on things so that, once you have regained your wife's trust, you can begin to share your finances again. You mentioned that your irresponsible financial behavior has escalated in the past year. Has it been a reaction to stress? If so, you'll need to figure out healthier ways to deal with stress, and you may need help beyond what we can offer on this forum.

[tripods68]

It would benefit you and your wife if you attend FPU with Dave Ramsey on how to create a budget, pay down your debt, and control your spending behavior by working together and not be treated like a child.