Why can't my wife understand?

[Well Spent]

It seems there's more to that story than meets the eye. i'd like an update. i'd like to know what her contribution to the household is.

re: divorce stats. You have to also remember the couples who stay together but are absolutely miserable for various reasons: money, kids, fear of public shame, fear of failure, spite, etc.

[Seeker]

It seems there's more to that story than meets the eye. i'd like an update. i'd like to know what her contribution to the household is.

re: divorce stats. You have to also remember the couples who stay together but are absolutely miserable for various reasons: money, kids, fear of public shame, fear of failure, spite, etc.

One has to wonder about these couples. Misery sometimes loves company. I know a person who continues to work in spite of the fact that he's well-off and "they" could easily afford anything in the future were he to retire formally. He says, "I work, because I'd probably go crazy with her if I retired." He loves her in spite of his words... and she him.

But the reasons that you list, Well Spent, those people make a choice. To live under these circumstances or to not. Maybe there's a degree of circumstances; some limit to that straw that ultimately breaks one person's back, and then the only option to that person is divorce. And outside looking in, we may not understand why people make the choice either for or against.

What you or I may be able to live with, another person could not and would not. Every person is rather unique.... and there are changes over time as OP has made. A condition (wife: I do not want to work) stated pre-marriage is now causing some frustration on Gridfel's stress and resentment levels. He agreed to many things, and is frustrated now.

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DS, the couples whom never formalized their marriage are not counted in the married number to begin with. This "count" is only inclusive of formalized marriage that, down the line, ended up in divorce.

LAL is also correct, many whom go through divorce once, find it easier the second time around.

[disneysteve]

DS, the couples whom never formalized their marriage are not counted in the married number to begin with. This "count" is only inclusive of formalized marriage that, down the line, ended up in divorce.

I realize that. There are some who feel, though, that not actually being married makes it easier to split up since there are no formal or legal issues to deal with. The shrinking percentage of couples who are officially married may be less likely to divorce than those who are just cohabitating. So the result could be a lower divorce rate.

[DebbieL]

Also with the 50% number it counts people who get divorced multiple times. Which I've heard once you do, it's easier to go through again. So that weighs into the statistic.

I'm not sure if it's because divorce is easier to go through again. I think it probably has more to do with the fact that maybe that person is either hard to live with, makes poor choices, is too desperate to be "married" and rushes things, etc.

[gridfel]

Okay, here is the basic expenses minus mortgage:

Electricity/Gas: $110
Cable/Internet/Phone: $100 (bundled)
Grocery: $300
Gas: $250
Clothing/House Repairs/Animal Care/: $200
Water: $50
Trash: $20
Misc: $50
My hobbies: $100
Wife hobbies: $100

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Hey Grifdel, what do you make? Sigh, expenses and $300/month on golf, great.

You make barely enough to cover golf? Then wifey should get a job. You make enough to save 50% of income? Maybe it's time to talk.

Besides the point, why doesn't your wife work? Or has never worked? Just explain that.

It'll be a cut and dry decision.

[disneysteve]

Okay, here is the basic expenses minus mortgage:

Electricity/Gas: $110
Cable/Internet/Phone: $100 (bundled)
Grocery: $300
Gas: $250
Clothing/House Repairs/Animal Care/: $200
Water: $50
Trash: $20
Misc: $50
My hobbies: $100
Wife hobbies: $100

I know we've all been asking for numbers, but this doesn't really help. Just showing the "basic" expenses doesn't show what is really going on. There are lots of expenses not on this list. You haven't listed anything for auto insurance and maintenance, life insurance, home insurance, retirement savings, other savings, any debt payments, charitable giving, newspaper/magazaine subscriptions, vacations, etc. And I'm not sure why you left out the mortgage info as that is probably your largest single expense.

Also, you may have said this before but what is the total household income? Just looking at expenses without knowing how much money comes in is meaningless. The budget allots $100/month for each of you for fun money. We really can't assess if that is fair without knowing your income and total living expenses.

[ActYourWage]

I agree with Steve, those expenses does not paint the whole picture.

[Salmon Runner]

PS - Many of us don't "want" to work. I don't "want" to work, but I do want to have money to pay the bills and have some fun - so guess what? I work.

That applies to 99.9% of all people. Why does she get special treatment? Even if my wife was a doctor or a lawyer raking in $200k-400k, I would still get a job because it's only fair. Really, how much stuff do you have to do in an 8 hour work day not going to work? screw the gardener?

[cschin4]

That applies to 99.9% of all people. Why does she get special treatment?

It is their lives. If they decided together that he works and she stays home to care for their home, how is that getting "special treatment"? Are you paying their bills? I choose to work PT because I can and want to. And, if a point comes when I don't have to work financially and choose not too, then i won't. I really don't see how it is anyone else's business.

[DebbieL]

Yes, but apparently the OP would like his wife to work and contribute. Why can't she get up off her butt instead of pressuring him about money? She isn't home looking after kids or anything. I wish I had it so cushy in life Actually, I would never feel comfortable living off someone else, so it won't happen anyways (unless I get totally disabled or something - in which case I would have a smaller income from the government disability pension).

[Scanner]

Again, it sounds like the informal "pre-nup" in this case was she wasn't going to work so that's off the table and the forum should keep it off the table.

Again, it's perfectly socially acceptable to be a kept woman.

[DebbieL]

And he is just as entitled to change his mind about that "prenup" arrangement as she is. Plenty of things can change over the course of a marriage. Maybe he would like to be a kept man now, and she should go out and bring home the bacon I really couldn't care less whether she said back then "I don't want to work" and he went ahead and married her anyways. He probably didn't count on being nagged to death over wanting to spend some money for his hobby either. Plenty of things need to change in this relationship by the sounds of things.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

I sure am ready for Ms. Gridfel to check in here and set us straight on what is going on. I'm thinking Gridfel is hard to communicate with on this forum, and wonder if he is not so in real life as well. Of course, he doesn't have any obligation to us. We just cannot help much without some clear communication.

[Scanner]

And he is just as entitled to change his mind about that "prenup" arrangement as she is. Plenty of things can change over the course of a marriage. Maybe he would like to be a kept man now, and she should go out and bring home the bacon I really couldn't care less whether she said back then "I don't want to work" and he went ahead and married her anyways. He probably didn't count on being nagged to death over wanting to spend some money for his hobby either. Plenty of things need to change in this relationship by the sounds of things.

Well how about if one spouse says, "Ya know, I don't feel like having sex any more. Sorry. . .I know you said you wanted it 3-5X/week but oh, well, things have changed."???

Reminds me of the comedian who quipped, "My wife said me, 'You just married me for the sex, didn't you?' and I replied, 'No. . .I didn't buy this house for the bathrooms but I would be pretty angry if you took them away from me."



It's really not our place to judge their shared division of labor agreement.
She made it clear she didn't want to work and he agreed to marry her. It's not something as a guy I would have liked but that was the understanding.

Look, I am going to give some advice in addition to DisneySteve's good advice on marriage being an interdependent relationship.

1. If you and your wife have the agreement that you are the sole breadwinner and she is the homemaker, that's fine. I think as a the sole breadwinner, that does give you a wee bit of discretion and authority to spend the household finances on something that is important to you.

In short, you are the king and she is the queen.

But. . .but. . .I have learned that when you wife is speaking, she is giving you counsel. Now. . .admittedly, a lot of women don't know how to give counsel well to their husbands. They natter. They complain. They whine about your golf. But if you think of when she is speaking, she is coming to you offering counsel, it may reframe it.

Instead of hearing, "Dear. . .you spend way too much money playing that silly golf game." you may be hearing, "Honey, that golf money could be put into a retirement account that could grow and give youmore golf games when you retire.

In short, instead of "Why doesn't my wife understand", you should be thinking, "I value my wife's counsel."

2. Golf. Great game. You know, I oiled painted a little (I'm like, pretty bad) and I loved the feeling you get when you are painting. I feel the same way on the golf course. Those 2 activities produce that wonderful stress relieving trance and you can really forget your troubles.

But frankly, other male golfers are a pain in the ass. Especially serious ones like you and Maat (sorry, Maat)

I'm serious.

You have women in front of you, they let you play through, no big deal. Try doing that with men and they get all territorial. Or if you playing with women, they just want to socialize a little and have fun and don't care if it takes 10 tries to get the hole. Men get all competitive and crap and uptight about the game and the swing should be like this and this club for that and whatnot.

What am I saying?

Why don't you try inviting your wife to play with you and enjoy the game even more? Playing golf all the time without chicks is like going to a party with no chicks. Boring. Yeah, sure, sometimes it's good to have some male bonding time but jeez, you say you like work 60 hours/week and you are golfing on the side a lot on the weekends. . .why not bring the wife along for some fun? Maybe she's lonely for your company.

I mean some marriages work just fine with hours and days being apart but I think that's more the exception than the rule.

Goodl luck.