Why can't my wife understand?

[geojen]

I don't think #4 is entirely true. OP said he has cut back from playing twice a week to once a week, so there has been some movement on his end.

You are right, I should have given him more credit for that. It just seems to me that his posts are a bit...loaded with a sense of entitlement. And again, I say this because we don't know what the other half of the story is. Maybe he is married to someone who just will not get a job, even though she could and should. Until we know this, we can't go much further.

[disneysteve]

It just seems to me that his posts are a bit...loaded with a sense of entitlement.

I agree with you on that.

[DebbieL]

I see it as frustration with his wife for not being willing to contribute to finances, while nagging him about it (in his view), and refusing to "let" him consider a job he would enjoy more if it would pay any less than he currently earns. I think there is a lot of history here and frustration built up. I personally would be frustrated in this kind of situation too. It is one thing to willingly take on the role of providing complete financial support to an able bodied adult who is capable of working, it is another to be forced into it against your will. I was in that situation for a few years with my lazy arsed ex - and will NEVER be there again.

[wnlbutterfly]

Okay, I just have to point out that I can see where the wife would be worried if he wanted to get a different job that paid less if he can't even stay within a budget at the pay he is getting now. Maybe she would be willing to discuss that if she saw that you both could live at that lower income. Just a thought!

BTW, I am sure the wife getting a job at this point might just make her feel like she is working just to support his golf habit.

I hope if nothing else this will give them both something to think about and TALK over....I wonder if they aren't communicating how they really feel to each other.

[Seeker]

Okay, I just have to point out that I can see where the wife would be worried if he wanted to get a different job that paid less if he can't even stay within a budget at the pay he is getting now. Maybe she would be willing to discuss that if she saw that you both could live at that lower income. Just a thought!

BTW, I am sure the wife getting a job at this point might just make her feel like she is working just to support his golf habit.

I hope if nothing else this will give them both something to think about and TALK over....I wonder if they aren't communicating how they really feel to each other.

There is no budget. There's a mentioned budget... but no numbers. I'm not convinced that they have a written budget nor anything in place to keep track of monthly spendings.

All we've heard is she feels this expense is a "waste" and he feels it's a necessity for his sanity. He feels "entitled" and angry ; and she feels frustrated and angry. In all probability they cannot talk directly to each other.

Until we have a sense of income and outgo (the budget) then this thread is getting nowhere.

He may be making 200k a year, where is it going? Yes, his golf may be a waste, but something she is doing or not doing may also be a waste.

Until we see numbers, we know nothing about what they really do.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Here's the summation.

If you make a lot, then your wife is being unreasonable.

If you make peanuts, you are being unreasonable.

If you make a lot BUT have big bills like mortgage, child support, car loans, then jointly you decided to have big expenses and golf can't happen.

[Scanner]

I don't know - interesting thread.

Money and sex are about power when you get down to it, isn't it?

My wife has gone through this at times. At times, her income has surpassed mine (esp. in business start-up) and she feels like she should have final say in how it's spent whereas I have always thought it goes into a pot and it doesn't matter if one spouse contributes 30% and the other 70% or whatever because it could vary year to year and over a lifetime.

It's a classic marital power struggle and I don't have the psychobabble answer.

I am not sure if I agree with DisneySteve's assessment that she should get a job if she is able to. What if she is a SAHM? I think there is a double standard that men are supposed to work but women, it's an option, especially if married.

There is really no such thing as a "lazy-arsed" woman because it's perfectably acceptable to be a "kept-woman."

This is why I feel pre-nuptial agreements are so important and I wished we had done one at times so misunderstandings are avoided.

A pre-nup. isn't about how assets will be split in case of divorce; that's only about 10% of the agreement. A pre-nup spells out things like who pays what bills, if you have separate checking accounts, or joint, discretionary income, etc. It sets the ground-work for situations like this. And those are things couples should talk about before marriage, after the hormones die down.

A newly emergent agreement is starting to happen - a post-nuptial agreement. Now. . .it is usually used in cases of pending divorce and it doesn't sound that bad, like a divorce is pending. . . but an informal agreement on paper allocating a % of the budget to hobbies may be in order.

The truth is the situation can't be solved here. The two disputing parties need to come to the table and compromise, even if that means, "I concede on this one." because maybe the next dispute you can use that card.

I can bet you this - if you were spending $300/month on her, over-budget or under-budget, you'd have no complaints. I think she is jealous of golf like the one poster above was jealous of football.

Good luck.

[zetta]

I'm curious what the OP thinks should be cut from the "strict budget" in order to free up $300 for his golf hobby...

[disneysteve]

ETA: My apologies. I accidentally mixed up two threads and posted numbers here that belonged to the person in the other thread. Sorry for any confusion.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Someone can work 70-80 hours and still have time and energy to play golf?

[ActYourWage]

We are only hearing one side of the story. It sounds like the OP is looking for justification on these forums about his golf playing. If I were the OP, I would do what I could to keep peace in the home if only for a short time (6 months) and see how that goes. It may be more than just a money problem here.

[cschin4]

Personally, I don't get the sense that the OP is willing to budge or willing to hear and work with his wife. The amount he is spending on a weekend to golf sounds quite ridiculous unless he is making a couple hundred K a year which I doubt if they are fighting about money.
We have several golf courses around here and I could golf 18 holes for about $30. I think going to play one round or so wouldn't break the bank but spending $300+ is ridiculous.
The real issue isn't the golf but his attitude toward his wife and marriage. I would think he would more concerned about having a loving marriage and good relationship with his wife than demanding his entitlement.
As for his flip comment about her not working, I am sure there is more to that as well. Perhaps they decided early on that she wouldn't work and take care of the home, etc. Of course, I am not saying this cannot be renogiated but with his attitude, I really don't think I would want to work with him either.

[disneysteve]

The amount he is spending on a weekend to golf sounds quite ridiculous unless he is making a couple hundred K a year which I doubt if they are fighting about money.

I agree that it doesn't sound like they are making that much, but do you think that people who make more money don't fight about money? Of coure they do, probably just as much as folks making less. Couples who do not have a good budget and are not in agreement on spending and savings matters will have issues no matter how much they earn.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

So what's the budget really look like?

Sometimes the people making the most fight the most about keeping their hard earned money!

[SnoopyCool]

Not to get into too much psychobabble here, because that isn't my style, but knowing that you work hard all week and have been playing golf every Saturday and Sunday, I have to wonder if your wife isn't also feeling a bit neglected in addition to the financial pressure from your golf habit.

I stopped reading at this post to reply, so if I reiterate or have missed something forgive me.

From experience, I agree with Steve here. A few years ago my husband went crazy with buying-up expensive! skateboards (his hobby) and I freaked out all the time. I was on edge. I felt like he was going through a mid-life crisis much too early (I was on a savings kick, which has paid off greatly since he lost his job). He mentioned that he felt stressed at his then job, too, like OP states. He was causing a huge riff in our entire family by being so out of line with things I understood that we had agreed upon in our budget.

Find a different way to relieve stress, or work it out with your wife in a way that satisfies both of you.