Why can't my wife understand?

[geojen]

Why do people keep bringing up the work/stay at home arrangement? Enough already. That IS NOT what the OP was asking us to help with. Sheesh.

[FrugalFish]

I'll jump back in to ask a very basic question again. OP, what percentage of your income are you spending on golf? Figure it out by the month and by the year too -they can be surprisingly different depending on how you budget, and if you actually budget well at all.

A while back I was feeling pretty cruddy about ongoing vet bills for our old cat. She has great quality of life, but the bills can feel like a real budget buster sometimes. Then I figured out what percent of our annual income went to vet bills over the course of a year. It was a lot less percentage-wise than I had anticipated, and that made me feel a little better when we do have to spend the money. It was a good way for me to get a new perspective.

I will contend again that you still haven't determined whether golf is an affordable expense for you or not, which means that you haven't determined whether the problems with your wife are financial or not. You have come across as a little evasive to me, which makes me wonder if you already know that your golf habit is more than the budget can bear.

[disneysteve]

Why do people keep bringing up the work/stay at home arrangement? Enough already. That IS NOT what the OP was asking us to help with. Sheesh.

I agree with you. I think the problem is OP has yet to answer the questions we've all asked that would help us answer his actual question. Until we see a budget (a complete budget, not just the little bit he posted), none of us can give an opinion about if he is spending too much on golf.

[jsk]

I really don't understand why your wife thinks she deserves a free ride through this life. She doesn't want to work? Well, boo hoo. Welcome to the real world honey. You have no kids, she has no disability. Tell her to get up off her arse and bring some money in. She sounds lazy and selfish to me. Personally I think you made a mistake in entering a marriage knowing this attitude. It might be different if you had a few young kids she was caring for or something, but there is no reason she shouldn't be contributing.

PS - Many of us don't "want" to work. I don't "want" to work, but I do want to have money to pay the bills and have some fun - so guess what? I work.
Reply With Quote

Sheesh! I think you are all doing the OP a HUGE disservice by giving him this "advice" and potentially undermining his marriage to a woman you all know absolutely nothing about.

As for working, there is nothing wrong with being a housewife or homemaker. In fact, from the posts, it sounds like she has kept up her end of the bargin and choose to live frugally so that they can live that lifestyle. I really don't understand the views on marriage that many people have anymore. Our money is our money. There is no "mine and his". I just don't get it. And, there have been periods throughout our marriage where my husband was between jobs and I worked full time and later periods when I now work part time. There were also times of illness where I was off work, etc.
As for being "dependent", well that is how life is. I don't want to be "independent". My spouse and I made a life together and are dependent on each other. If something were to happen to change that, then I would obviously have to change my lifestyle as a result as well. Maybe nobody should have kids because they "might" get a divorce and having kids would interfere with their ability to support themselves, etc.
I think the greater problem is that the OP is NOT putting his marriage first. But, putting himself first and his wants and desires over the needs of his family and wife. And, i think selfishness is probably one of the biggest causes of divorce. I have seen that all around me, where one of the spouse decides it is "all about me" and then goes out and has an affair or totally acts in a selfish manner to the detriment of his/her family. I think the OP's disregard and hostility toward his wife is the biggest problem I see and he should take a look in the mirror and adjust his attitude toward the wife he professes to love.
As for golf, nothing wrong with doing any hobby. We all have hobbies and nothing wrong with spending money. And, some spouses can be unreasonable as well. However, the point of marriage is the foreign concept of "working together" and not demanding your own way or belittling your spouse until you win.

Very beautifully said. We are here trying to help and not to create more wedge and issues. For whatever agreed reason wife is not working. That does not mean the husband can do whatever he wants. First comes "US", then "spouse" and then "Me/I". The moment everyone starts thinking about only "Me" part, creates problem in any relation.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Prolly because if she isn't working for specific reasons he hasn't a right to complain. If she says it's not in the budget maybe it isn't.

And it isn't in the budget because she isn't working. But she isn't working because???

[Inkstain82]

Prolly because if she isn't working for specific reasons he hasn't a right to complain. If she says it's not in the budget maybe it isn't.

And it isn't in the budget because she isn't working. But she isn't working because???

Because that was the agreement going into the marriage, from my understanding.

[DebbieL]

Prolly because if she isn't working for specific reasons he hasn't a right to complain. If she says it's not in the budget maybe it isn't.

And it isn't in the budget because she isn't working. But she isn't working because???

Exactly LAL! As far as we know she is able-bodied, able-minded, child free and has no other impediments that would stop her from being able to get out and do something to improve their financial situation if she is unhappy with it. Would it kill her to even work a part-time job?

PS - I say this as someone who is working full-time, going to school 3 nights a week and also working a part-time job on the side. You won't see me complaining about it. When I want an improved financial situation - I improve it myself. I'm an adult, not some little girl who needs to be taken care of.

[Cassandra]

Exactly LAL! As far as we know she is able-bodied, able-minded, child free and has no other impediments that would stop her from being able to get out and do something to improve their financial situation if she is unhappy with it. Would it kill her to even work a part-time job?

PS - I say this as someone who is working full-time, going to school 3 nights a week and also working a part-time job on the side. You won't see me complaining about it. When I want an improved financial situation - I improve it myself. I'm an adult, not some little girl who needs to be taken care of.

I think you are being harsh on the wife. Yes, she isn't working, but there's nothing wrong with that. Running a home is a full-time job. It doesn't bring in a paycheck, but that doesn't make it any less of a job than one that does have a paycheck.

The husband agreed that she would not work when they got married. She (presumably) would be the homemaker. From one of OP's post it sounds like she is keeping her end of the deal:

My wife has never worked and when we got married, she made it understood that she didn't want to work. This has never been an issue until the past year when my salary was cut. Her defense is that she spends a lot of time finding deals and saving money that equals what a job would provide. I agree that she does a great job with this, but a part-time job would solve the current money issues.

The OP hasn't posted a lot of details of what the money issues are, so I cannot comment on that. But he is admitting that he is going over budget on golf. She is not being unreasonable by asking him to stick to a budget they (presumably) agreed upon. The OP and his wife need to sit down and talk about this. Maybe they can cut back on other things (cable, cell phones, etc.) to give him more money for golf.

Maybe the OP's wife doesn't feel that their finances are dire enough that she needs a job- we can't know. We have only one side of the story and people tend to twist the story to make themselves appear better.

We also don't know what the OP's wife does throughout the day. She could be doing a lot of volunteer work during the day. Maybe she makes volunteering her job. Maybe she sits in front of the TV all day- we don't know. We have only one side of this story and the OP hasn't posted a lot of details.

[cschin4]

Why can't she get up off her butt instead of pressuring him about money?

Why can't He stop spending more than they have and act responsibly toward his family and be repsonsible with his finances?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Here's the thing with no working. Maybe she has anxiety disorder or something ailment which prevents working. Maybe she's been caregiver for her parents or his parents instead of working. There are many reasons why people who are able bodied cannot work.

We don't know the argument behind why she can't work.

Obviously they can't live on their budget. There is a reason. Either she needs to work to bring in some dough. Or he needs to cut back because his income isn't cutting it.

There is a problem both ways. I know people who cannot hold down a job due to mental health problems. Or even physical ailments. Though it would appear they can to the eye, it's not always possible.

So I want to know, why wasn't she working before they married??

Makes me question is there a condition he refuses to admit to that she can't work but he implies she can?

[tripods68]

Ok...i'll settle this discussion once it for all.

This marriage will not work unless you cave in. You came in to this marriage accepting the fact that your wife will not work period. That's means you are the main breadwinner that will feed the engine of this family. Then it is on you to resolve this "hobby" of yours. If you continue to push her, then your marriage is over. Stop asking her to get a job that only increases her resentment towards you. You will then hate her for it. Too bad you can't be honest to your coworkers and tell them the truth. You can't afford to play golf every weekend. Honesty sometimes is the best policy. You don't seems to realize that majority of divorces in this country are caused by money issues. It's better to resolve your differences now by finding the right solution instead of harboring bad feelings.

It's sounds like I'm against you. Not at all. First of all, i wouldn't marry someone knowing she does not want to work at all. You made that decision clearly and now must honor that commitment at the expense of your hobby.

[poundwise]

I don't know how much you earn, but unless it is an awful lot, I'd have to say that something that "costs a few hundred dollars a month" shouldn't be preceded by "only" when describing it.

Amen.

[disneysteve]

Obviously they can't live on their budget.

We actually don't know this to be true. Just because the amount being spent on golf is an issue between them doesn't mean they are living beyond their means or having any financial trouble. In fact, we know virtually nothing about OP's financial picture because he hasn't told us anything.

We currently save 21% of my income. If my wife started spending money on some hobby and we had to cut back to saving 19% of income, I'd be upset and consider it to be screwing up the budget, but it wouldn't mean we were in any trouble at all.

[neatdesign]

Nine pages in and this has become a lot more complicated than it needs to be. The facts of the matter are this:

- OP agreed to spend $100/month on his hobby
- OP is currently spending $300/month on his hobby

The predominate justification for overspending by 200% is that the hobby brings him stress relief. Meanwhile, his wife is stressed out because he won't abide by their budget. So by stressing his wife out by overspending, he has found a never-ending source of justification for his overspending.

The OP has never said his wife has asked him to cut out his hobby altogether. She's just asked him to spend LESS on his hobby. Multiple people have advised the OP that it's possible to spend less -- FAR less, in fact -- than he's currently spending.

So what's the problem? He can spend less on his hobby and then they'll both be abiding by their agreed-upon budget. Problem solved.

[cschin4]

This marriage will not work unless you cave in. You came in to this marriage accepting the fact that your wife will not work period. That's means you are the main breadwinner that will feed the engine of this family. Then it is on you to resolve this "hobby" of yours. If you continue to push her, then your marriage is over. Stop asking her to get a job that only increases her resentment towards you. You will then hate her for it. Too bad you can't be honest to your coworkers and tell them the truth. You can't afford to play golf every weekend. Honesty sometimes is the best policy. You don't seems to realize that majority of divorces in this country are caused by money issues. It's better to resolve your differences now by finding the right solution instead of harboring bad feelings.

It's sounds like I'm against you. Not at all. First of all, i wouldn't marry someone knowing she does not want to work at all. You made that decision clearly and now must honor that commitment at the expense of your hobby

I don't really understand this post either. I don't know about your marriages, but marriages are to be negotiated and changed over time based on the needs of the family and spouses and each other for the GOOD of one another. Sheesh.
They may have started with the idea of one spouse home or whatever but that isn't necessarily written in stone. My spouse and I have continually changed our work schedules, etc based on the needs of our family. I worked FT for awhile my hubby went to school. We both worked FT for awhile and then I had kids. I wanted to stay home more so now I work PT. We have changed to support one another.
The problem with the OP is outright HOSTILITY toward his wife and her needs and his the selfishness he displays. Any marriage that becomes about me, me, me is going to fail. In fact, in our younger years, my spouse and I had a period where we demanded our "rights" only to realize how selfish we were both acting so we cut it out and are much more forgiving of one another. I would advise the OP do the same and then his wife will see that he has her best interest in mind as well and then they can work together.