Why can't my wife understand?

[DebbieL]

He says that they don't have children (and I don't think they have grown children). I think she just doesn't "want" to work. Who does? Most of us suck it up and drag our butts out of bed every morning anyways

[Well Spent]

That's what alimony laws are for.

One of the most humiliating scenes I've witnessed in a courtroom is a fully grown adult woman telling a judge during a divorce that she did not have any skills to get a job to support herself. Work is pride in yourself. I'm sure some of you may have great marriages now but that can change at anytime. Better to be fully self-sufficient and prepared to make it on your own then to have to settle for a crappy situation because you are afraid to work after being home for decades. If you have no kids and are able-bodied you should be earning a living, or if you have a rich man, you should be involved in civic life. Housekeeping work doesn't take that long.

[cicy33]

I think it has gotten away from the initial point. The OP and his wife had a budget that apparently he agreed to. However, he admits he goes over budget and won't change it. Whether or not his wife works is irrelevant. Whatever choice they made in their relationship regarding who works and who doesn't is their choice. I think the basic point is and was that he won't keep to the budget and doesn't feel he has to. Playing golf is relaxing I am sure. But it doesn't matter what the hobby is. If he will not keep within the budget then that is the problem. I agree if money is a serious issue perhaps the wife could consider a job but again, that is something they decided on previously and if he was fine with it and is not now then he needs to express that in way that is not demeaning to her. Maybe he can agree to keep within the budget if she agrees to get a job. But I don't feel it is fair that she get a job just so he can spend a fortune on golf. and for the record my SO plays golf. He doesn't go crazy though and if we are short one week he just doesn't play.

[cschin4]

I really don't understand why your wife thinks she deserves a free ride through this life. She doesn't want to work? Well, boo hoo. Welcome to the real world honey. You have no kids, she has no disability. Tell her to get up off her arse and bring some money in. She sounds lazy and selfish to me. Personally I think you made a mistake in entering a marriage knowing this attitude. It might be different if you had a few young kids she was caring for or something, but there is no reason she shouldn't be contributing.

PS - Many of us don't "want" to work. I don't "want" to work, but I do want to have money to pay the bills and have some fun - so guess what? I work.
Reply With Quote

Sheesh! I think you are all doing the OP a HUGE disservice by giving him this "advice" and potentially undermining his marriage to a woman you all know absolutely nothing about.

As for working, there is nothing wrong with being a housewife or homemaker. In fact, from the posts, it sounds like she has kept up her end of the bargin and choose to live frugally so that they can live that lifestyle. I really don't understand the views on marriage that many people have anymore. Our money is our money. There is no "mine and his". I just don't get it. And, there have been periods throughout our marriage where my husband was between jobs and I worked full time and later periods when I now work part time. There were also times of illness where I was off work, etc.
As for being "dependent", well that is how life is. I don't want to be "independent". My spouse and I made a life together and are dependent on each other. If something were to happen to change that, then I would obviously have to change my lifestyle as a result as well. Maybe nobody should have kids because they "might" get a divorce and having kids would interfere with their ability to support themselves, etc.
I think the greater problem is that the OP is NOT putting his marriage first. But, putting himself first and his wants and desires over the needs of his family and wife. And, i think selfishness is probably one of the biggest causes of divorce. I have seen that all around me, where one of the spouse decides it is "all about me" and then goes out and has an affair or totally acts in a selfish manner to the detriment of his/her family. I think the OP's disregard and hostility toward his wife is the biggest problem I see and he should take a look in the mirror and adjust his attitude toward the wife he professes to love.
As for golf, nothing wrong with doing any hobby. We all have hobbies and nothing wrong with spending money. And, some spouses can be unreasonable as well. However, the point of marriage is the foreign concept of "working together" and not demanding your own way or belittling your spouse until you win.

[disneysteve]

As for working, there is nothing wrong with being a housewife or homemaker. In fact, from the posts, it sounds like she has kept up her end of the bargin and choose to live frugally so that they can live that lifestyle. I really don't understand the views on marriage that many people have anymore. Our money is our money. There is no "mine and his". I just don't get it. And, there have been periods throughout our marriage where my husband was between jobs and I worked full time and later periods when I now work part time. There were also times of illness where I was off work, etc.
As for being "dependent", well that is how life is. I don't want to be "independent". My spouse and I made a life together and are dependent on each other. If something were to happen to change that, then I would obviously have to change my lifestyle as a result as well. Maybe nobody should have kids because they "might" get a divorce and having kids would interfere with their ability to support themselves, etc.

Yes, yes, yes! Thank you. I was beginning to think I was the only one who felt this way. Marriage is not about being independent and looking out for yourself. It is about being interdependent and looking out for each other. If I wanted to be in total control of my life, my money and my future, I would have remained single and childless.

[geojen]

I agree with cschin4 and DS. OP wasn't asking us to give him diatribes about who should be working and why. They made an agreement at the start of their marriage that he would work and she would not. It is not for us (nor should it be) to judge them (especially her, who has no way of defending herself) about that choice.

Marriage is about partnership and interdependence. How can you argue otherwise. Also, there is nothing wrong with someone choosing to be a housewife or homemaker. You wouldn't degrade this woman and belittle her contribution to their family if she were a teacher or a hair dresser or whatever, would you? Sheesh.

In the end, they had a budget that presumably they both agreed too. Now, OP doesn't want to abide by that budget. So, they need to either devise a new budget or he needs to find ways to play golf and stick to the current budget. Period.

[Broken Arrow]

Yes, yes, yes! Thank you. I was beginning to think I was the only one who felt this way. Marriage is not about being independent and looking out for yourself. It is about being interdependent and looking out for each other. If I wanted to be in total control of my life, my money and my future, I would have remained single and childless.

I agree with this 100%

[Seeker]

Yes, yes, yes! Thank you. I was beginning to think I was the only one who felt this way. Marriage is not about being independent and looking out for yourself. It is about being interdependent and looking out for each other. If I wanted to be in total control of my life, my money and my future, I would have remained single and childless.

I also agree with this -- many many people do. Throwing a thought in here.... doing for your SO sometimes means doing things separately, saving separately and operating separately. SOMETIMES. And there's absolutely nothing "wrong" with either way of life.

In response to the 50% divorce rates, you'll be happy to know that this ratio is no longer the reality. I recently read (NY Times I believe) that now it's approximately 36 marriages out of 100 that end in divorce, so 36%. It seems to be on a downward trend. Many people appear to be making better choices now, and even in spite of the economy, that trend seems to be holding true.

As far as OP issue, that's really between him and her, but understanding his need to protect himself (as most everyone feels that he should give up golf or lower his expense there and retain the agreement with his wife) that's why he's adding excuse after excuse. I doubt that he will post again.

[disneysteve]

In response to the 50% divorce rates, you'll be happy to know that this ratio is no longer the reality. I recently read (NY Times I believe) that now it's approximately 36 marriages out of 100 that end in divorce, so 36%. It seems to be on a downward trend. Many people appear to be making better choices now, and even in spite of the economy, that trend seems to be holding true.

While it is true that the divorce rate has declined, don't read too much into that fact. I saw a feature on one of the news shows recently discussing the fact that many more couples are forgoing marriage entirely, choosing instead to live together indefinitely. They don't feel the need to get the state's official seal on their relationship. As a result, when those couples split up, it doesn't register in the divorce stats.

Also, the bad economy would tend to lower the divorce rate since there are costs, sometimes substantial ones, involved in getting divorced. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law split up but remained legally married for a number of years because they couldn't afford to get divorced.

[cschin4]

In response to the 50% divorce rates, you'll be happy to know that this ratio is no longer the reality. I recently read (NY Times I believe) that now it's approximately 36 marriages out of 100 that end in divorce, so 36%. It seems to be on a downward trend. Many people appear to be making better choices now, and even in spite of the economy, that trend seems to be holding true.

I think there was a big push towards divorce in past years. And, for awhile my spouse and I were at odds with each other not over anything in particular but the stresses of life. And, we had times where we would threaten to divorce and times when we seemed to fight over whether you say pot-ay-to or po-tah-to, etc. After awhile, we realized we were both just acting like selfish brats so we just cut it out and now just realize we are in this together and allow each other more breathing room and now have a wonderful relationship.
And, in looking at some of our friends who did get divorce, very few of them seem any happier than they were when married. Obviously, there are a lot of reasons why people divorce, but I do think if there were more support for marriage and more people would seek counseling, etc. then many issues could be worked out. I see people bending over backwards to do everything for their children and give them everything but for some reason this prevailing attitude doesn't extend to one's spouse. Some will balk at the very notion of bringing in their spouse a cup of coffee or ironing their clothes, etc. The whole point of marriage and family is to help lighten each other's load and thus make each other's world better.
The OP's golf issue is nothing but a smokescreen and a sad commentary on the state of his marriage in which HE needs to examine himself and first cast the beam out of his own eye. He can demand his "right" to play golf. Fine. But, in the end, demanding your "rights" in your marriage may mean that you win the battle and lose the war. In the long run and scheme of life I would think he would look at what is really important which is his relationship.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Also with the 50% number it counts people who get divorced multiple times. Which I've heard once you do, it's easier to go through again. So that weighs into the statistic.

[goldentraders]

I think it's better to let the man decide what he wants to do with his money, he worked hard for it and he just wants to pay himself with the "hobby" ... As long as he's not preoccupied when the family needs him to be there and he can support his family's needs... But maybe there are some other reasons why the wife won't allow him to go out,It might be silly of me but if i was the wife, I would probably think that there could be an involvement of a girl? But it's just a thought okay?

[cschin4]

I think it's better to let the man decide what he wants to do with his money, he worked hard for it and he just wants to pay himself with the "hobby"

Because it is no longer just all about him. He is married. When you get married you no longer only consider yourself but the good of your spouse and marriage.
Again, nothing wrong with spending on a hobby. And, it is quite possible his wife is being unreasonable as well, we just don't know. But, it is clear that the OP has a poor attitude toward his wife and marriage. Much more important to address that and then enjoy having a good marriage than it is to demand your stupid right to play golf unless playing golf usurps the needs of his family.

[disneysteve]

I think it's better to let the man decide what he wants to do with his money, he worked hard for it and he just wants to pay himself with the "hobby"

Yes, he worked hard for the money, but it isn't HIS - it is THEIRS. He's married. He has another person to support and consider in all decisions.

[creditoria]

My wife and I spend equally on matters of our own, even though I am the provider at home. It is quite simple for us. We first fund everything important for us as a family, if there is any money left after that we can either spend it separately or, as in most cases, spend it together - we are both fond of tourism and nature so the remaining money is generally spent on vacations and trips.

Out of curiosity... What is your hobby?