Why can't my wife understand?

[disneysteve]

My wife has never worked and when we got married, she made it understood that she didn't want to work. This has never been an issue until the past year when my salary was cut. a part-time job would solve the current money issues.

A change in your income would certainly warrant revisiting any agreement you guys had about her not working.

Sometimes it's within budget while sometimes it's over. The problem I have is that while it is a hobby, it's also with people from work which puts me in a position that not accepting the golf outings could make the situation at work even worse. I do try to stay within the budget, but sometimes it just isn't possible and she refuses to understand this.

This is very important, IMO. I thought from your earlier posts that golf was purely for you to blow off steam. If golf outings are part of the work environment, that's a different story. There are certainly jobs where that is true and you are correct that avoiding them could cause problems on the job. In that case, you need to limit or eliminate the non-work related golf that you do just for yourself but keep doing the work-related play.

The issue is a reduction in salary that has made the budget tighter. She feels that golf is something that can be reduced while I don't for the above mentioned reasons. I do try to stay within it, but sometimes it's out of my control if I want to keep work relations smooth.

A change in income, up or down, requires a change in the budget. If income increases, savings and spending can be expanded. If income decreases, something needs to be cut. I can see why she might see golf as easily expendable, but as I said, I understand why that might not be so clear cut on your job.

As we've said over and over, without knowing the rest of the budget, we can't give any more advice as to what you could trim to keep the golf thing funded. For all we know, you've got a $100/month cable bill or you spend $300/month dining out or some other easily eliminated expense.

[cschin4]

My wife has never worked and when we got married, she made it understood that she didn't want to work.

And, you apparently agreed to this. Encouraging her to get a job is fine. But, demanding that she get a job isn't going to do much for your relationship. And, you do sound a bit hostile toward her as if you are entitled to golf and spend when you are at least half responsible for the way you established your marriage. In reality, you BOTH need to look at making some compromises.

[cschin4]

it's also with people from work which puts me in a position that not accepting the golf outings could make the situation at work even worse.

You need to step back and decide if that is really true or if you are just using it as a justification. Many times going or not has no bearing on anything other than your own perception.

[cschin4]

I'm still thinking about whether I'm comfortable sharing these.


You don't need to share exact numbers. I think people just want to get a sense of what percentage of your income you are spending to do this.

[disneysteve]

You don't need to share exact numbers. I think people just want to get a sense of what percentage of your income you are spending to do this.

That and also what other things might jump out from the budget. As I said above, if you have a big cable bill or something, then it would be easier to say to keep the golf and drop the other thing.

[DebbieL]

I really don't understand why your wife thinks she deserves a free ride through this life. She doesn't want to work? Well, boo hoo. Welcome to the real world honey. You have no kids, she has no disability. Tell her to get up off her arse and bring some money in. She sounds lazy and selfish to me. Personally I think you made a mistake in entering a marriage knowing this attitude. It might be different if you had a few young kids she was caring for or something, but there is no reason she shouldn't be contributing.

PS - Many of us don't "want" to work. I don't "want" to work, but I do want to have money to pay the bills and have some fun - so guess what? I work.

[disneysteve]

PS - Many of us don't "want" to work. I don't "want" to work, but I do want to have money to pay the bills and have some fun - so guess what? I work.

Amen to that. As soon as I have enough saved up so that I no longer need to work, I'm out of there.

[My English Castle]

This argument isn't about the money, I don't think. It's about control and the relationship. Perhaps it's not the money that your wife resents, but the fact you're away playing golf? Does she ever golf with you? Is she interested?

I don't agree with people that say whoever makes the money gets to decide how to spend it though; you two need to work out both the spending and earning together.

[Well Spent]

She has NO SAY in how you spend YOUR money. You must figure out why you let her live off you. She finds deal and clips coupons and thinks that justifies not working to earn her own living? LOL What does she think she is, The Real Housewives of Orange County? Tell the slob to get a job STAT. And get a good lawyer cuz I guarantee when you do decide to dump this loser (and you will) she won't leave willingly unless she lines up another sucker first. It boggles my mind that a grown adult who is able-bodied and not caring for kids thinks she gets a free ride. It would be cheaper for you to date than to have a wife.

I think you should cut the wife out of the budget and keep golf. Golf relaxes you and wife stresses you out.

This is the most clear-cut question on this board ever.

If you can get your deadbeat wife to post here, I'd love to hear her side of the story.

[m3racer]

[QUOTE=
I think you should cut the wife out of the budget and keep golf. Golf relaxes you and wife stresses you out.

This is the most clear-cut question on this board ever.

If you can get your deadbeat wife to post here, I'd love to hear her side of the story.[/QUOTE]

I couldn't agree anymore.

[disneysteve]

She has NO SAY in how you spend YOUR money.

Can't say I agree with this statement. As I've said many times, I believe ALL money is JOINT money in a marriage. It doesn't matter who earns it. When you get married, you give up the right to have total control. You become a partner in a joint venture.

That's not to say that I disagree with the gist of your post overall. From what we've read here (one side of the story, of course), it does sound as if the wife is being unreasonable.

[Seeker]

That's not to say that I disagree with the gist of your post overall. From what we've read here (one side of the story, of course), it does sound as if the wife is being unreasonable.

I agree. I think this wife is limiting herself.

She's dependant on one person... what happens if Gridfel loses his job entirely? What happens if his health fails? What happens if he decides that what she provides is no longer enough?

Divorce is usually a split 50/50 and they both lose in that case. Both will be working, and both will have stress either way.

[m3racer]

I believe ALL money is JOINT money in a marriage. It doesn't matter who earns it. When you get married, you give up the right to have total control. You become a partner in a joint venture.

There are many married couples that separate their finances.

[disneysteve]

There are many married couples that separate their finances.

Understood. That's why I said "I believe" all money is joint.

Even if a couple keeps separate finances, though, each partner still doesn't have total control over their own money because there are joint obligations that need to be handled, like the mortgage and other household bills. To some extent, there needs to be mutual agreement on how at least a portion of the money is going to be spent.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Look we're all bashing his wife for not working. He needs to explain to everyone, why she never worked and isn't working.

You don't need really any concrete numbers.

If you tell us she can't work because of a VISA issue, or can't work because she has emotional problems, most of us probably will say then suck it up and cut out golf.

If you say she isn't working because she doesn't want to. Then we'd say why not? And ask you why are you okay with her not working? Was she laid off?

The story even with our %, or $ values will become clear when you explain why there is only one person working.

Something isn't ringing true. There is more to the story than you are willing to share. It was first, my wife doesn't want me to golf. To she's not working. To it's a work thing.

By the way, I have many friends and a couple of relatives whose wives couldn't work when they came over on a visa. So they had to stay at home.

So please enlightening the whole background about why she doesn't work and hasn't worked.