Why can't my wife understand?

[DebbieL]

Well, your last post has changed my view somewhat from what I was originally going to say. I personally could not live with someone who refused to go out and work to contribute financially (assuming they were capable - which obviously she is or you wouldn't bring it up as an "issue" between you two). It is one thing if that is a decision you both agree on, but clearly it is not, and you are being forced into the role of sole provider. I can feel a lot of frustration in your posts (and now I understand it better).

You may be in a very difficult fix indeed. Due to the fact that you've allowed her to not work, if you were to separate or divorce you would quite likely be on the hook for spousal support (and depending on the length of the marriage, it could even be for life). Yikes.

I would also be extremely pissed off if my partner wouldn't "allow" me to consider a job I'd enjoy more if it didn't start off with exactly the same salary I currently earn. I think there are too many underlying issues here for us to really advise you properly. I think you and your wife should possibly consider some kind of marriage counseling.

I wish the both of you luck. Hopefully you are both able to "give" a little. You spend a bit less on golf, and she gets out and finds a job.

[tripods68]

One things is not being analyze here is how what's the combined monthly income vs vs expenses. You and your wife need to discuss monthly expenses and find "waste" somewhere or else eliminate it completely as viable option. It's easy to say blame her for not making enough income without letting us know what she brings in the table.

[DebbieL]

One things is not being analyze here is how what's the combined monthly income vs vs expenses. You and your wife need to discuss monthly expenses and find "waste" somewhere or else eliminate it completely as viable option. It's easy to say blame her for not making enough income without letting us know what she brings in the table.

She isn't making ANY income tripods. That is his point. She doesn't contribute financially, and she refused to allow him to consider any other job in the event that his income might go down slightly. I think she needs to get a job.

[tripods68]

Even if she doesn't make any income....what else she bring in the table. It's hard to quantify "mom" everyday daily responsiblities. Is she cooking, doing laundry, cleaning, taking care kids, what else? These things are hardly quantifiable.

[DebbieL]

There has been no mention of kids - don't think they have any. I don't believe that anyone should be "forced" into the role of sole provider if that isn't what they want.

PS - My brother was the sole income earner in his family, and his wife didn't cook, clean (seriously - there place was beyond disgusting and revolting), or do any of those things you mentioned. Some people are just lazy (not saying that is the case with the poster's wife of anything). They are divorced now (for other reasons), but she is now living off someone else.

[Broken Arrow]

It's got me wondering who the wife is now (presumably, she knows this site and perhaps even has an account), and more importantly, what DOES the budget entail? I'll bet there's a compromise that can be worked out in there somewhere.

[Seeker]

I think the thing that bothers me most and why I feel that I deserve to play my golf is my wife wants us to stick to a strict budget, but then is not willing to go out and work herself to bring in some extra money.

Okay, this make a huge amount of difference. Did she ever work outside the home? How much time (in your impression) does she spend working inside the home? Was her "not working" ever insisted by you or did you ever encourage her to get out in the world and do something?

If there are no kids and the time she spends doing household stuff is minimal, then you need to encourage her to help with the financial issues.

Your feelings about this needs to be expressed to your wife: the bolded part above... she is not willing to help.

You need to be honest with her and she needs to be honest with you. What you guys want from each other should not be "dictated" --- you're supposed to be helping each other in all ways. Home life should not be another job and where there's boss and employee... because you are not going to be happy under these circumstances. No one would be; neither man nor woman... but essentially that's what your home life is turning out to be for you.

I know that going outside the budget is wrong, but at the same time resent that she is not willing to help out with earning money. So while I do have my excuses that may not be valid, she also has them.

Resentment is a strong word; just short of hate. If she's truly "not willing" and is able to work and provide some viable help financially in any way, then she should assist. Marriage is teamwork and collaboration and compromise in addition to the love and understanding.

Somewhere along the line, things changed for the two of you. There's a great deal of frustration in both of you... if you do both want to save this marriage, then you both need to talk. To a third party if necessary.

But look at what changed and when.... that's when the anger and money competition began. Money is being used as an excuse here; for both of you.

[fruitbowlk]

NO. RUN, JOG, Get a punching bag. Find something free to get you stree released.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Would your wife be able to earn more than you spend on golf? Would she be able to earn more than you spend on golf plus her expenses for working (transportation, clothing, tools, any new childcare expenses, etc)? Or would her working just enable your golf to not go over the budget?

[disneysteve]

Would your wife be able to earn more than you spend on golf? Would she be able to earn more than you spend on golf plus her expenses for working (transportation, clothing, tools, any new childcare expenses, etc)? Or would her working just enable your golf to not go over the budget?

I would certainly hope she could earn more than $300/month. My wife has a part-time filing job for a local hospital office. She gets $14/hour and works about 12 hours/week. That's over $700/month. She has no expenses associated with the job. No special clothing and it is only a short ride from home. If money was tight, she'd look for something with more hours but that's enough for us right now.

[swanson719]

I think the over arching point here is that Gridfel is both going over budget on golf and not being in agreement with his wife on the budget, hence causing financial as well as marital problems, which is why she sent him here to begin with. So he either needs to find a cheaper way to play golf, play less golf, or find a better paying job. The cheaper golf and less golf seems to not be getting through to him, and the better paying job cant be had. So we're back where we began. An upset wife who's causing stress to her husband because he's blowing the budget playing golf, which he does to reduce stress that's caused by work, and now his wife.

The OP know's what he needs to do - I just don't think he wants to do it.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Yes, DS, but not everyone who needs a job is able to find one that pays as much as they would like, or even as much as $14 an hour. In this economy some people will have to take what ever job they can get. Competition for jobs at all levels of pay is higher right now with our rising unemployment rate. It might be possible to find only part time work, perhaps only at minimum wage. In some places, it may take a while even to find that kind of work.

Even if all she can make is the $300 necessary to make up for golf expenses, I'm not saying that she should not go to work. That would be up to the couple to decide. I would say the mental health of the major wage earner is crucial, and if his wife needs to work just to provide him with hobby money, that might be the best thing to do. I don't know if there are preferable ways to bring balance to the budget or not. We don't have enough info to say. How much the spouse can clear should be one factor in deciding what to do.

[disneysteve]

I think the over arching point here is that Gridfel is both going over budget on golf and not being in agreement with his wife on the budget, hence causing financial as well as marital problems, which is why she sent him here to begin with. So he either needs to find a cheaper way to play golf, play less golf, or find a better paying job.

Agreed.

Even if all she can make is the $300 necessary to make up for golf expenses, I'm not saying that she should not go to work. That would be up to the couple to decide. I would say the mental health of the major wage earner is crucial, and if his wife needs to work just to provide him with hobby money, that might be the best thing to do. I don't know if there are preferable ways to bring balance to the budget or not. We don't have enough info to say. How much the spouse can clear should be one factor in deciding what to do.

Agreed here as well, though I don't think she should go to work just to fund his golf habit. That isn't really fixing the problem and probably wouldn't make her any happier about the situation. I'd be pretty pissed at my spouse if I was working solely to pay for her luxury indulgences.

[geojen]

We don't have the wife's side of the story. The only thing we can go on is what the OP is saying. What he is saying is this:

1) I want to play golf no matter what, because I am entitled to.
2) My wife doesn't understand this because she doesn't work.
3) I make the money, therefore I should get to do with it what I want.
4) Until the wife gets a job, I'm going to do what I want.
5) Please help her understand this.

[disneysteve]

We don't have the wife's side of the story. The only thing we can go on is what the OP is saying. What he is saying is this:

1) I want to play golf no matter what, because I am entitled to.
2) My wife doesn't understand this because she doesn't work.
3) I make the money, therefore I should get to do with it what I want.
4) Until the wife gets a job, I'm going to do what I want.
5) Please help her understand this.

I don't think #4 is entirely true. OP said he has cut back from playing twice a week to once a week, so there has been some movement on his end.