Why can't my wife understand?

[Seeker]

withdrawn

[disneysteve]

Where did the bolded part come from? Have I missed some numbers?

Thanks for catching that Seeker. I accidentally posted info from another thread. Those numbers are not for this person.

[maat55]

Maybe the golf can go for now, then come back when you make more money.

Maat, you are so funny that you could guess golf! I had no idea it was so pricey.

This is one addiction I know well. I still love golf and play occationally. But there are ways to do it less expensively. Like me, he probably is in a foursome that play at a pricey course, they probably play for money and he might not be the best in the group.

OP, I suggest that you take some time off and square your relationship with your wife. Get your finances in order and you will find a way to play at a level that does not create friction at home.

Good luck.

[Seeker]

Sorry Steve. It's just that this thread is rather "feeling" oriented than "financial." I came back here because I'm curious about the budget...but still, no numbers are posted.

I got the impression that Gridfel was originally working a lower paying job, then went on to the better paying job (with the "making good money" words he posted) and with that came the anger that he cannot spend "only" $300/month with the earned money to relieve his stress from the good paying job. And then, with his curtailment of his favorite sport, came the resentment that "she does not help" with the income and she's not done so, in spite of his getting a better job and curtailing his favorite activity.

I may be entirely wrong about the above though since his two or three sentence posts are not very illuminating.

But I also know that most people in a marriage are fine with everything.... UNTIL something changes. So what was the "change" that instigated this post?

The fact that neither of these two people post any kind of income nor expense numbers, leads me to believe that their "budget" is not really known nor understood by him and maybe not even by her.

Frankly, if I were the OP in this situation, I'd want to know EXACTLY what the wife is doing with the money that he works so hard for. Especially since she will not allow him to work a more "enjoyable" job.

HE should know what the financial limits are... and the fact that HE does not understand HER thinking, leads me to believe that HE does not know the true financial picture.

Is there is a financial problem at all, or is it just her feeling that it's a waste? Is her feeling based in financial problems, or is it based on the fact that he's "playing" with other people and not really being with her?

In her eyes, the "waste" could be "time," it could be "money," or it could be both -- but where are the numbers that prove the problem?

On the other hand, if she's in control of the money and he does not know the financial side, she could be stashing money away for a future divorce...

Who really knows ???

[gridfel]

My wife and I had a long talk over the weekend about finances and what each of us expects from the other. It didn't go well. She continues to feel that I spend too much on my hobby and I continue to feel she should contribute more to the income.

A few answers to questions that have come up:

We don't have any kids. My wife has no disabilities or other issues that would keep her from working. We do have a written budget, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable sharing that information to strangers (I'll think about it some more. I know that you can look at it and make better comments knowing it, but the only real issue right now is the hobby and me going over the amount that has been appointed to it from time to time). I'm not sure if I answered all of the questions - if I missed some, please ask again and I will try to answer them.

[disneysteve]

gridfel, how did it come to be that your wife doesn't work? Did she used to work and then stopped for some reason or has she never worked since you've been married?

As for sharing your actual numbers, I know it seems like an odd thing to do, but if you have been at this site for any period of time, you've seen that it is quite the norm around here. As you point out, we are all strangers. I don't have a clue who you are, where you live, what your name is, so any numbers you post would not reveal anything about you that would allow me to identify you even if I wanted to. It really is most helpful in posts like this to see numbers.

What has been the trend as far as your golf spending? Have you been spending the same amount for some time or has it escalated? Has it been a point of contention for a while or just recently? You said you were spending $300/month. What is the budgeted amount? And how do you respond to those who suggested that golf could be played much more cheaply in most areas? I'm not a golfer, so I can't comment one way or the other.

[m3racer]

Your wife doesn't work and you don't have kids. I think your wife has issues. She needs to make some $$$ and contribute if she wants to bitch about finances. I completely agree with you that you are getting shafted.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Why doesn't your wife work? Answer that question without a budget and most of us can probably give an answer if you are getting the shaft or not.

[disneysteve]

Why doesn't your wife work? Answer that question without a budget and most of us can probably give an answer if you are getting the shaft or not.

Let's say the wife doesn't work and there is no good reason. That doesn't change the fact that they apparently have a written budget that they presumably came up with together and grifdel is not holding up his end of the agreement. Without any more info, I think the wife has every right to be upset about that.

[m3racer]

Let's say the wife doesn't work and there is no good reason. That doesn't change the fact that they apparently have a written budget that they presumably came up with together and grifdel is not holding up his end of the agreement. Without any more info, I think the wife has every right to be upset about that.

It sounds like they don't have an agreement on any budget. However, I think his golf outings should be a part of the budget. Why shouldn't it?

[disneysteve]

It sounds like they don't have an agreement on any budget. However, I think his golf outings should be a part of the budget. Why shouldn't it?

OP says they have a written budget. I'm assuming that he didn't write it without her input and vice-versa.

Whether or not the golf should be a part of the budget and in what amount depends on the budget. Since we don't have that info, it is impossible for us to know.

[Seeker]

We don't have any kids. My wife has no disabilities or other issues that would keep her from working. We do have a written budget, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable sharing that information to strangers (I'll think about it some more. I know that you can look at it and make better comments knowing it, but the only real issue right now is the hobby and me going over the amount that has been appointed to it from time to time). I'm not sure if I answered all of the questions - if I missed some, please ask again and I will try to answer them.

Okay, tell us this:

1)
Do you feel that the budget is fair from her perspective?

In other words, do you think that she's sticking to the budget (not going over) & that she has a fair allocation for household as well as for what she does to relieve her own stress?

2)
Or do you feel that she gains more from the budget to do with as she wills? We are talking outside of household ("family") expenses.


Ultimately a budget should be discussed and agreed to. If the budget needs to change (due to raising prices or whatever), then the topic needs to come to the table again and then go over each and every item in that budget to arrive at a compromise that jointly satifies both people.

Essentially marriage is between two people who love each other and want each other to be happy, without harming any portion of the combination.

Barring anger and resentment, I think most people feel this way: The combination (family) comes first, your SO should come second, and you yourself, third (I feel this way myself -- no kids, but household combo needs are first, DH needs are second, and my own needs are not my priority -- though DH feels they are ).


Gridfel, even if your budget is a bare sketch like the below:

$x income

$y outgo for household necessities (food, mortgage/rent, utilities)
$y outgo for household extras (cable, ??? )

----

$z = remainder (pastimes, wants)

The $y for hoursehold extras may help with details, but if you don't want to post that, there's nothing saying that you should.

But the basic level outlines above would give us a better idea of what's left over; and in my mind, if that "z" amount is double $300 (say $600), then I believe that she should let you enjoy your golfing. She may need to get outside more herself.

[gridfel]

How did it come to be that your wife doesn't work?

My wife has never worked and when we got married, she made it understood that she didn't want to work. This has never been an issue until the past year when my salary was cut. Her defense is that she spends a lot of time finding deals and saving money that equals what a job would provide. I agree that she does a great job with this, but a part-time job would solve the current money issues.

What is the trend in golf spending?

It varies from month to month. Sometimes it's within budget while sometimes it's over. The problem I have is that while it is a hobby, it's also with people from work which puts me in a position that not accepting the golf outings could make the situation at work even worse. I do try to stay within the budget, but sometimes it just isn't possible and she refuses to understand this.

What are your actual budget numbers?

I'm still thinking about whether I'm comfortable sharing these.

Do you feel that the budget is fair from her perspective?

Yes, she is the one that puts most of the numbers together on it.

do you feel that she gains more from the budget to do with as she wills?

No. The issue is a reduction in salary that has made the budget tighter. She feels that golf is something that can be reduced while I don't for the above mentioned reasons. I do try to stay within it, but sometimes it's out of my control if I want to keep work relations smooth.

[Broken Arrow]

I'm still thinking about whether I'm comfortable sharing these.

If you're not comfortable sharing actual dollar amounts, you can convert it into % relative to your take-home. That way, we won't really know how much, but will still give us an idea of what you're working with.

For that matter, it would also help if we knew your total monthly budget, even if it is all list in %.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

So there is no reason for her not to work other than she doesn't want to? No medical reason either emotional or physical?

Then I'd tell her to get a job. It doesn't have to be high paying but it's something.

If she doesn't want to work, is it because she has anxiety disorder or anti-social tendencies? If so perhaps seeing a counselor and getting on medication would help.

What would she do if you divorced her? How did she live previously? Will she be able to manage?