Why can't my wife understand?

[disneysteve]

Come on, isn't anyone else curious about what the hobby is?

It would help if we knew what it was, but I still think you could find ways to keep within your budget.

Sure I'm curious, but I don't think it matters what the hobby is if he can't afford what he's spending on it.

[Broken Arrow]

All the same, could you tell us what this hobby is gridfel?

Or better yet, could you perhaps provide some numbers? Maybe we can help you guys find tune your budget so you can still enjoy your hobby without breaking the budget?

[maat55]

Come on, isn't anyone else curious about what the hobby is?

Do tell!

It has to be golf.

OP, you need to grow up and work with your wife on this issue. I love golf way more than I should, but I gave it up in order to get my finances on track. After you back away from this addiction you will find that you did not need it as bad as you thought.

I found reading a good release, and it can be very educational. Find an interest you want to learn through reading to hedge your hobby.

[PrincessPerky]

Personally the OP sounds like they need an AA meeting

"I NEED this" should never be used for a hobby.

Break the addiction, even if you can afford it! Who wants to be addicted to anything (well maybe chocolate)

[cschin4]

Isn't stress relief a legitimate reason to spend money?

No, it's not. You are married. You both need to learn to work together. Demanding "I need my hobby and thus have a right to spend as much as I want on it" is very childish and not productive for your marriage.
Should there be give and take on the the part of spouses and consideration for one another's likes, feelings, etc. Of course.
As for needing your hobby to prevent job stress, you need to learn to deal with job stress that we ALL have and not use this as an excuse of out of control spending on your hobby.
Should you be able to pursue your hobby? Well, that depends. If you are watching porn for your hobby, then the answer is unequivocably no. If you are involved in car restoration, fishing, working out, etc. then you need to decide TOGETHER how much each of you should have a reasonable amount of fun money.
Nobody "needs" a hobby for stress relief. I think you need to look at how you view this as some "life saver". If your life and job is that stressful, then perhaps you need to make some changes or learn how to deal with the stress of life.
Another point, is your hobby allowing you to neglect your wife? If you are spending so much time with your hobby and not tending to your wife and marriage, then you need to face that and decide if you want to establish your marriage in this way or want to have a good marriage. Demanding your "right" to have your hobby is not a mature way to behave and destructive in the end.
I have many hobbies as well. And, my hobbies are more expensive than my spouses, but I would I realize that I could easily neglect my family if I become too absorbed in them. Hobbies are there to enhance your life. But, pursuing them at the expense of others isn't worth the price.

[Ima saver]

Please tell us what the hobby is? My first husband had a hobby and it was football. He watched every game and was a Pop Warner coach. (for free)It took up all of his time. That is why is was my 1st husband. I left him because of football. (I wish I had left much sooner than I did, I was dumb enough to hang around for 12 unhappy years)

[nanamom]

I think we need to know what the hobby is so that we can suggest cheaper ways of enjoying it. I admit I can't begin to imagine a hobby that would consume that amount of money every month.
It sounds to me like you need to put some priorities in order. What is important to you your financial position or spending that much. I am not saying eliminate the hobby but maybe we can suggest ways to make the two coexist a bit easier (two being hobby and a finances)

[gridfel]

I feel that I need to defend myself here.

The hobby is golf. I used to play on Saturday and Sunday each week, but I have already cut it back and now only play once on the weekends.

The reason I feel entitled is because I earn the money. I work at a job that pays well, but which I really don't enjoy because there aren't any other jobs that I can get in this economy that will pay that much. I have told my wife that I wouldn't need to play as much golf if I can get a job I enjoy more, but she refuses to entertain that idea unless I earn as much as I am currently.

[Inkstain82]

Re: Question

"I deserve this whether it fits in our budget or not" is an indefensible stance, no matter how much you "need" it. If it fits into the budget and she's wrong, then she's wrong, but if it doesn't, then you are.

But $300 a month to play golf once a weekend? That's pretty pricey. You can play golf for less than that.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Maybe the golf can go for now, then come back when you make more money.

Maat, you are so funny that you could guess golf! I had no idea it was so pricey.

[feh]

Saying you have to spend money on your hobby in order to relieve stress sounds like it could be you trying to rationalize your spending

+1




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[disneysteve]

The reason I feel entitled is because I earn the money.

Big deal! Just because you earn the money doesn't give you the right to spend it however you want to. It would if you were single, but you aren't. You are married. You have a business partner in your life journey. When you said, "I do," you gave up the right to have total control over everything. You need to work together with your wife to devise a budget that works for you guys, one that covers all bills and necessary expenses, one that sets aside an adequate amount in savings for future needs and one that allows for a reasonable and affordable amount of discretionary spending, whether that goes for dining out, travel, golf or anything else.

Not to get into too much psychobabble here, because that isn't my style, but knowing that you work hard all week and have been playing golf every Saturday and Sunday, I have to wonder if your wife isn't also feeling a bit neglected in addition to the financial pressure from your golf habit. I'd suggest cutting down significantly on golf and finding a low cost activity that the two of you can do together as a couple to help relieve stress, both personal stress and marital stress. If you like outdoor active stuff, how about bike riding, kayaking, rollerblading, hiking or some other activity that you would both enjoy. You could still go to the driving range weekly and hit a couple buckets of balls for $20. It would be a whole lot cheaper than greens fees.

[FrugalFish]

The question that remains for me is, "Can you afford it?" Your wife seems to think not, but you seem to think you earn enough money to spend on your hobby. Have you actually looked at the budget to see if golf is breaking your budget? Or if maybe there is another problem between you and your wife.

I don't mean to overreach here, but in a lot of relationships you see a lot of "you-and-me" rather than "us". Are you sure the problem is so much money as it is how you are treating your wife by making her feel like a golf widow? Maybe what she wants is more of your time when you are not working. Do you have kids? Even with my DH I am sometimes frustrated when he chooses to do something solitary- like work on cars, which is hard to argue against because he calls it necessity versus a hobby, but it really is a hobby. I see a man who is missing his DD's childhood and not realizing it. When she's grown and gone, he can play with his cars all he wants, but now he should be capturing as much of her childhood as he can. I sometimes also resent that he gets time to do his thing, and I am providing the majority of child care and not getting much time to indulge in hobbies of my own.

Anyhow, all I'd suggest is that you investigate the situation with your wife a little further to find out if it's actually about money, or about something else. If it is about money, and you can't afford it... well, then you can't afford it. If it's about something else, then you better figure that out too.

Good luck to you.

[nanamom]

Wow didn't realize golf was so expensive. I believe you need to go over your budget and see where the money is going each month. If your budget is sound and there is money left over for golf then perhaps your wife is seeing it as too expensive time wise. I know I would feel really bad if my DH went to work everyday and then left me every weekend for his hobby.

[disneysteve]

If your budget is sound and there is money left over for golf then perhaps your wife is seeing it as too expensive time wise. I know I would feel really bad if my DH went to work everyday and then left me every weekend for his hobby.

That's a good point. Without seeing your budget, OP, we can't comment on whether or not you actually can afford it, but even if you can, I think you need to re-evaluate both how much money AND how much time you are spending on golf because for whatever reason, it is causing a marital issue.