Smoking the budget away

[krantcents]

I am sympathetic to the addictive side effect of smoking, but it is unhealthy for your wife and everyone around her. The cost is one side of the problem. Even if she cuts down, it is still unhealthy. There are a number of prescription solutions to help break the habit, but she has to want to do it.

[danieldroga]

Smoking habit or addiction is not easy to stop. Once a person was used to the chemical brought by just smoking, the body will be used to it and will continuously long for it that's why many smokers can't control their hunger to smoke. You have to do it slowly. Ask for an advice from a doctor about how to deal with detoxification.

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Divorce is never a good answer. Too much subsequent pain, mental as well as financial.

Please be careful with the word "never." Some people stay with sexual, chemical, or physical abusers because they feel guilty about ending a marriage. One's mental and physical health should always be more important than keeping a marriage together. Many victims have died because they refused (or were unable) to walk away from a marriage.

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At this point, it's probably only a matter of time before your wife gets cancer, emphysema, or some other dreaded disease. It does seem that you're somewhat of an enabler, both to your daughter and your wife. Why should your daughter quit? Mom smokes, and if it doesn't "hurt" mom, then your daughter has no reason to think that she shouldn't emulate her beloved mother.

Your household appears dysfunctional at this point. Marital therapy may not be the solution, but it's a start. If your wife refuses to go, then at least you should seek help because at the rate you're going, nothing is going to change. And it may require a bit of tough love before things change.

[Student Loan Settlement]

Have her try chantix, its a non nicotine pills that will help her smoking habbit. The success rate is nearly 65%. Another great source is "The easy way to quit smoking" book by allen carr. I reading this book, I quit after smoking for almost 15 years.

HOPE IT HELPS

[Eric80]

I know this is hard but it will be difficult for him to quite after so long. Maybe if you sit him down and explain the ins and outs of your finances then he may understand - however I will warn you that this will be hard for both of you - emotionally!

[timbuckley10]

Chantix can be dangerous... especially if she has any mental health issues.. I'd be very careful about that. I'm not promoting smoking, but if she won't quit.. have you ever considered buying cartons of cigarettes online from overseas? I know this is significantly cheaper. Also, I'm not sure about the legality of this, so you might want to do some research!

[Mitch71]

I guess just to let you all know, my wife has continued to chainsmoke cigarettes unapologetically no matter what I tried to do to get her to stop; and over the past year my now teenage daughter has started smoking with her.

I tried alot of things to stop this, warning my wife about costs and health concerns, pleading with my daughter about not doing this to her health. None of it mattered. She wanted to smoke because her mother was buying her cigarettes and giving them to her and encouraging her to smoke, even buying her an ashtray for her room. Nothing I tried worked. It left me with almost no choice, either try to divorce my wife and break the family apart, or just try to deal with what the situation had become.

People may call me weak willed, but I refused to leave my family. Even with my wife smoking as much as she does, three or sometimes four packs a day, I refused to leave her just because of that. Even though it broke my heart to see my young teenage daughter encouraged to start chain smoking with her mother to the point where she would end up just as addicted as she was, the thought of leaving her behind in a divorce was even more heart breaking. I don't like my daughters constant smoking, and she knows I actively disapprove of it, but there was just nothing left for me to do but to accept her for what she is, even if that means that shes a teenage smoker. There are alot worse things she could become.

I got alot of good advice on this thread, but I wasn't ever able to implement it right. I wanted to say thank you to everyone on here who really listened to me deal with this plight. It hasn't been easy. Every time I see my daughter she has a cigarette in her hand. Every day I hug my daughter before leaving for work, the pungent smell of cigarette smoke is amost overpowering. I tried to laugh it off, and once when I joked with my daughter that she smelled like a walking ashtray, she just stared back at me like saying "of course I do, so what." I was clear to me that she just didnt care about her health seriously, just like her mother didnt and there was nothing I could do as a weakling father to change that.

So despite feeling like a failure of a father with a teenage daughter who apparently smokes atleast two packs a day now that shes out of school for the summer and a wife who only works part time and is back smoking three or four packs a day, I tried as hard as I could to make this fight about the budget and not about the rights or privlidges of smoking. Even when the economics were as plain as day, neither of them would listen to me and they would just continue chain-smoking like the hopeless nicotine addicts they are. Thanks for at least listening.

[Eleanor]

These fights have not been pretty. But the sad fact occurs to me that no matter how many times I scold my daughter about smoking, it seems to make no difference, and it is clear that my daughter has continued to smoke regardless of my opposition. I have threatened to take her cell phone away, and to take her computer away for the rest of the summer - but it still did not stop her.

...

Lastly, I have to remind myself that even though my daughter is young, she herself has to bear some part of the blame for her own decision to smoke. Some people would say that since she is not quite 13, that she is not responsible for her own actions since she is too young to grasp their full ramifications, which I understand, but I still dont see how it absolves her of any hand in the decision making as to whether or not she decides to continue to smoke. Given that it is quite obvious to me that she is still smoking on a daily basis, and has been for some time, it is clear that my daughter has made her decision to become a smoker regardless of what I think.

I'm sorry but this is absurd. She is TWELVE YEARS OLD! You "threatened" to take her cell phone and that didn't stop her? Of course it didn't, you're full of empty threats and you are allowing a twelve year old to develop a potentially fatal and highly destructive habit at an incredibly dangerous age because asking her to stop isn't working.

I fully understand the pick your battles argument, and I don't believe in prohibiting everything bad because it inevitably leads to them going behind your back. Instead I believe in having an open and honest relationship with your teen. This is my own personal preference because that is the kind of relationship I had with my parents when I was a teen and sure I wasn't an angel, but my mother always knew where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with so that if I was ever in any trouble I could call her on the spot or she would know where to look. My friends on the other hand, constantly lied to their parents about what they were actually doing and often did things like drive home drunk because they couldn't tell their parents they were at a party and would be staying the night like I was able to.

Your daughter is already brazenly lying to you and manipulating you. Yes, it is very hard to interact and reason with teenage girls, but you are her PARENT. You are responsible for her well-being and for raising a good person. Do you really think this isn't worth fighting over? Will you think so in 5 years when she is smoking as much as your wife?

[Eleanor]

Ok, I just read your last update so now I apologize for my last response being a little harsh, but the point I'm trying to make is DO NOT GIVE UP ON GETTING YOUR DAUGHTER TO QUIT SMOKING! She is barely a teenager, there is still time to stop the habit before it becomes a life-long struggle. You are the adult, you are in charge, and you CAN stop this.

[EconDiva]

I haven't read the entire thread, but from what I have read, it sounds like you, your wife and your daughter need counseling. There are some obvious unhealthy things going on besides just the smoking. Maybe you could start with individual counseling yourself, then slowly involve the wife, then the daughter as well, as appropriate.

I'm not a parent, but I will say I'm not sure how you'll be able to keep your daughter from smoking at this point, with a mother in the same household who is not only doing it herself, but actively encouraging it.

[JoeP]

People who are addicted are often difficult to reason with, because the addition clouds rational thought, and they often get defensive because they perceive any form of discussion as an attack.

I am very sorry to hear of your situation, and hope you and your family can reach some sort of solution soon.

[chrisburke21]

This is a tough situation. Smoking is a tough habit to quit. She has to want to quit or cut back to make it happen. The three packs a day are only part of the cost...there are going to be medical issues down the road at that pace. I used the Life Coaching Programs for Self Improvement, Depression, Forgiveness, Positive Thinking smoking cessation program to quit. Maybe communicate the concern for her health and well being and help her get on a smoking cessation program. That is all you can do. Good luck with this I hope you can help her life and the finances.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Why are you still with your wife? Leave her, don't you worry about your daughter? I doubt very many judges would side with a woman allowing her 12 year old to smoke for custody. Do you really want either of them continuing down this path?

[mom-from-missouri]

You could get drastic and report your wife. It is illegal to buy and provide cigs to a minor. In fact, you knowing it and allowing it to happen, in Missouri, would be a canidate for child abuse--that is how our law reads, most likely your state has the same or similar law. Report the wife. That might shake her up. If the school gets wind that mom is providing it to her (or even her friends) they will report it to authorities. I have seen it done and the dad in this case that did it had to undergo counseling, community service and tell kids about his addictive habbit. Needless to say, that finally made him quit.