Smoking the budget away

[Mitch71]

Im new here and looking for any ideas on how to deal with the issue of my wife's chain smoking that is literally busting the budget. With the new local/state cigarette taxes that recently went into effect, and my wife's spiraling smoking habit, I'm estimating her 3 packs a day or more is costing us at least $700 per month.

I quit smoking shortly after college, almost 20 years ago, but my wife kept on smoking, and has been a smoker for nearly 25 years now, since I think before she was even in high school. I managed to get her to mostly quit when she was pregnant with our daughter about 12 years ago, but she started right back up afterwards. She used to be pretty heavy smoker when we were first dating, (when cigarettes were alot cheaper), but Ive encouraged her to try to quit over and over, although Ive also tried to be understanding about how hard it is for her to quit. A few years ago she was trying to quit, when we were trying to get pregnant with our second child, and my wife managed to keep her habit down to only around one and a half packs a day, but she always paid for her own cigarettes so I never really accounted for the costs.

After years of her trying to quit unsuccessfully while trying to get pregnant, and years never being able to get to less than 1 and a half packs a day, she finally managed to get pregnant not quite 2 years ago. She was so excited, because we had been saving and planning for years to make this happen for her so she could finally quit her job and be a stay at home mom - we had paid off all our credit cards, paid off both cars, paid off all our student loans, and even refinanced the house to a much lower interest rate - all the financial adjustments we'd need to live on only 1 income from my job.

Then she had a miscarriage early in her 2nd trimester, and she and I both were devastated. She had already quit her job, and we were both looking forward to finally having a second child together. She sank into a deep depression, which required alot of therapy and medical sessions that werent always covered on my insurance, and ran up alot of bills. But I never once complained about any of those medical bills, because they are a necessity that just has to be paid. But what is making it hard right now financially, is not the depression, and its not even the fact that she hasnt been able to find another job since she quit her previous one - rather, whats really making it hard is that for the past year and a half that she's been unemployed, all she does is stay at home and chainsmoke her way through 3 or even 4 packs a day, its awful. When she used to buy her own cigarettes I never noticed the outrageous costs, but now that Im watching my hard earned money go up in smoke its hard not to notice.

Ive tried and tried to get her to quit smoking for fear of her health, and before this she'd tried the patch, and the gum, but to no avail. I even got her some of those expensive ecigarettes for christmas, and she'd just smoke those, then go right back to smoking her regular cigarettes without skipping a beat. Im also worried about the possibility that she may be discreetly allowing or even implicitly encouraging our 12 year old daughter to try smoking, although that may just be my paranoia, certianly all that second hand smoke cant be good for her.

Ive tried being the understanding husband, but this is a tight economy and my wifes chainsmoking 3 packs a day or more is just tanking our budget. Shes already run up nearly $5,000 in high interest (19.9%) credit card debt on a new card I never even knew about - almost entirely with gas station (cigarette) purchases or walmart (cartons of cigarettes) purchases, always in the same amounts as her cigarettes. Any help or suggestions anyone has for dealing with this would be great.

[jerrycates]

Smoking is never easy to quit. I'm not talking from experience on myself but more of friends and relatives. They just cannot do it! How I understand this is when you happen to have the means to spend for the smoking vice and is not doing it the right way. True, vice is vice. It will mostly pull you to the pits. Ask a professional to help you out. And best, try not to give the household money to her!

[Redraidernurse]

I didn't want to read this and not respond, even if I don't have any good advice.
The situation you describe sounds awful. But the age old saying is true, "You can't help those unwilling to help themselves."

However, it sounds like if this continues, you will both be riddled with debt. The fact that she is opening up new credit card accounts without even telling you is a deeper problem in your marriage - trust. I would feel like my trust in my husband had been violated if that was to happen.

She needs a wake-up call and a serious one. Not only is she killing herself, but she is going to drag you into serious debt on the way down. Can you stage an intervention with other family members? I know that sounds silly because this isn't heroin or something but it sounds like it is running her life and has gotten out of control.

[snshijuptr]

It sounds like smoking is more than a physical addiction for her. She uses it to cope with stress and feel in control of her life. Ask yourself this, if she wasn't a smoker, do you think her current state would have her spending on clothing, food, or some other habit? It looks like all that professional help still hasn't addressed some of her core problems.

I agree with everyone else. You can't help her unless she wants to help herself. Additionally, you should evaluate your own opinions. It seems you didn't care so much about the smoking until you saw how much it cost. Just because she is not working now, does that really mean you should have more say over her life? If she remains a stay-at-home then maybe you two should set up his-hers-ours accounts and put some of your paycheck into her account.

[shanecurran]

You need to get professional help. I know from experience that it is tough to quit smoking.

[ewe2003]

Get a used copy of Allen Carrs book The easy way to quit smoking. You can see the reviews on amazon.com. It works. It will be the best $5 investment of your life. She can smoke while she's reading it. If she wants to quit or has even considered quitting it will work.

[bennkar]

I know what I say on this will get some negative feedback, but... you really need to decide do you love your wife enough to live with the smoking. If not, let her know, the smoking goes or she does - and mean it. I speak from experience on this, as my wife tried to re-start smoking two years after we married. I would simply rip up or crush cigarrettes as soon as I found them and say nothing. She finally tried to guilt me saying I didn't love her if I couldn't take her smoking. I told her if she loved her smoking more than me, we didn't have much of a marriage and I would be fine to end the marriage right then. I meant it, and she could see that, and then I walked out of the room ending the discussion.

The smoking stopped, and even as we were getting a divorce (15 years later), that was one thing she thanked me for doing.

[DebbieL]

Really, this made me angry to hear she was smoking still while pregnant (if she considers cutting down to 1.5 packs instead of 3 a day during pregnancy to be enough - whoa). I would not date or marry a smoker because I find it repulsive on every level. The smell alone of someone who smokes that much is enough to gag me.

For me, this would be a deal-breaker issue. I couldn't support that addiction (and it is expensive as well as gross). What a mess. I wish there was something useful to say here, but really it is up to her. Nobody has a gun to her head. Would she be robbing banks if you weren't providing the cash for cigarettes? If you are paying for them, I would stop. I wouldn't give a junkie their drug money either. What's the difference (other than legality of course)? It is killing her physically as well as the financial part of it. It is also horrible for you and your child to breathe that in.

[maat55]

I went cold turkey about twenty years ago just to save on my insurance costs. If this habit is keeping you from affording insurances and saving for retirement, I would demand she stop or leave the marriage.

[janzz05]

I know what I say on this will get some negative feedback, but... you really need to decide do you love your wife enough to live with the smoking. If not, let her know, the smoking goes or she does - and mean it. I speak from experience on this, as my wife tried to re-start smoking two years after we married. I would simply rip up or crush cigarrettes as soon as I found them and say nothing. She finally tried to guilt me saying I didn't love her if I couldn't take her smoking. I told her if she loved her smoking more than me, we didn't have much of a marriage and I would be fine to end the marriage right then. I meant it, and she could see that, and then I walked out of the room ending the discussion.

The smoking stopped, and even as we were getting a divorce (15 years later), that was one thing she thanked me for doing.

Wow, you knew when you married her she was a smoker it is totally unfair for you to try and change the rules in the middle of the game. If her being a smoker was a deal breaker well than you shouldnt have gotten married. In my opinion all you can do is be supportive in what ever decision she wants to make reguarding her smoking. That being said if she smokes inside thats somewhat unfair to you so maybe you could coax her into going outsidethat in itself will probably cut out a pack or so a day it definitly cuts down my former consumption by half. good luck

[bennkar]

Wow, you knew when you married her she was a smoker it is totally unfair for you to try and change the rules in the middle of the game. If her being a smoker was a deal breaker well than you shouldnt have gotten married.

I guess I didn't explain it properly. She had smoked before the marriage. I told her that I would not marry anyone that smoked, end of story, and she agreed to that when we married. It was after two years of marriage and not smoking she decided to start up again. I quickly put an end to any doubts that I wasn't serious about that statement.

[snafu]

Your wife is likely angry and frustrated about issues in her life but it's no excuse to act like a spoiled brat! Continuing to smoke speaks volumes about how she feels about herself, you and your relationship. Her behavior is self destructive and rather than enabling her continuing bad behavior you might consider 'tough' love. Perhaps require she find some work to pay for her habit like working in housekeeping or janitorial services since it has the added benefit of keeping her hands occupied.

Can you insist DW not smoke in the house as she is infusing every piece of furniture, garment, textile and her every cell with disgusting odour.

[zaccolbert]

Hypnosis has worked for several of my friends over the last couple of years, you can get hypnosis tapes for very reasonable prices, I'd recommend checking them out.

[Mitch71]

Thanks for everyones suggestions and thoughts on how to deal with this. I feel so conflicted about trying to make this a deal breaker issue in our marriage, she and I both smoked when we started dating in college, and although I quit shortly after, I never really objected that much to her smoking before; except of course when she was pregnant when I really got on to her about trying to not smoke. She mostly cut down around that time, but even though that was only 12 years ago, right afterwards she got back into a pretty routine chain smoker of at least a pack and a half a day or more, but she was working back then and buying her own cigarettes so I didnt feel it was my place to tell her what to do. Also, even though everyone knew smoking was harmful and attitudes towards it around here 12 years ago weren't what they are today, there werent nearly the number of workplace and restruant smoking bans in place everywhere back then. I mean, they even used to be allowed to smoke in the employee break room where my wife used to work, at least until around either 2005 or 2006 when they had the workplace smoking ban. Even then, my wife had to drive alot for work, and she elected to drive in her personal vehicle rather than a company car, so that she could smoke while driving around all day and also so she could be reimbursed for mileage and get a little extra money. Somehow that seemed to make sense back then, and Id occasionally encourage her to quit, or to set a time or goal to quit, say quit by 35 or quit by 40, but she'd just smile and nod and essentially ignore the suggestion.

Her chain smoking has just gotten so out of control now, 3 or 4 packs a day, its both frightening and costly. Her being unemployed for over a year, and unable to get another good paying job, and depressed about her miscarriage and still being unemployed, hasnt helped her cigarette addiction at all. This weekend I fussed at her about the credit card bill and the crazy costs of her cigarettes, and she got very defensive about her smoking, saying it was her right, and she'd always been a smoker, and that nothings changed so I had no right to criticize her for that. She wasnt being herself, because that was just not like her. We kept talking, and she kept smoking one after another, while I tried to talk through everything with her. She eventually broke down and cried about how depressed she was about everything, her lost career, her apparent inability to have any more children, and everything else, and she said she just wasnt strong enough to try to quit smoking right now. I got her to agreed in principal that she would more seriously try to quit smoking or at least cut starting sometime next year, but that she didnt have to start right now. She felt better about that.

As she calmed down she began to regain her senses and be more able to rationally talk about the costs that her cigarettes were putting on our family. While the irony of the fact that she was chainsmoking away while we sorted this out was not lost on either of us, and we had a very constructive discussion about how to fix it. I also told her that we as a family could not afford to support a $600 or $700 a month cigarette habit of her, and I wasnt even sure if we could support a $100 a month habit. My hope was that she would give a little on the smoking issue in light of the money, but instead I realized that at least for the short term, she wasnt going to be psychologically able to quit smoking. We talked about jobs, and what kind of jobs she'd been looking for, obviously jobs in her field, but also even more broadly into other related type fields. I remember last fall when she and I got serious about broadening her job search, and updating her resume and sending emails and cover letters out, and using job posting websites like monster and so forth, only to get a few inquiries but no firm job offers. It all made for a very depressing christmas holidays, but in sitting down and talking to my wife about how in the world we were going to afford to pay for her chainsmoking, I realized that she had not been dilligently following up on her job search since late last year, and that she had only confined her search to similar career fields. I felt a bit hopeless and I think she started to understand my frustration with the situation.

Then she said something that made me realize just how powerful her addiction to cigarettes really is. She said that she'd be willing to look into getting a morning paper delivery route job to make the money to work on paying off the credit card debt she'd run up getting cigarettes, and said that she should have enough extra to cover the costs of most of her cigarettes. I was a little skeptical, but she showed me a want ad where paper delivery drivers could earn $500-$600 per month. It had my doubts about it, because it didnt seem like it would cover all her cigarette costs, which I told her were costing at least $600 a month. She said she'd start shopping around for discount tobacco stores or places to order cigarettes online in bulk, because she could probably save alot more that way. So far shes found a place online where she can get cigarette at upto 30% discount when she orders 5 cartons or more. That didnt seem to be a step in the right direction to me, but she pointed out that if its money Im worried about then I cant argue with 30% savings and her offering to get a job to pay her own costs. I didnt want to seem overly pessimistic, so I said it probably wouldnt hurt to look into. She called about the paper delivery job this morning and just texted me saying that her visit over the phone went really well and that shed probably get the job.

So I dont know that this paper delivery job is going to really cure the underlying issue, which is her constant chain smoking of 3 to 4 packs a day, but Im trying to look on the bright side that if she take it at least she should be able to cover the costs of her smoking. That seems the height of absurdity to me, for her to be taking a part time job like this, just so she can cover the expenses of her cigarettes, but I feel like I cant really object, because on paper at least it looks to somewhat addresses the cigarette costs issue. I think me putting my foot down about me not being willing or able to pay $600 a month for her cigarettes to ruin her lungs with seemed to have worked - but not exactly as I had expected. Is it really enough for her to work part time at a job like this just to pay for her cigarettes and pay down the credit card, if she continues to smoke 3 or 4 packs a day?

[LittleMsMom]

What has her counseler said about employment/smoking when she goes? If you don't know I would suggest some family counseling, the family counseling might help you both talk through what is really bothering you both.

Over all I would like to say, the newspaper delivery job might be what she needs. First it is a job, she will meet people. This might lead to bigger and better things. But I would suggest counseling so that she can talk out what is bothering her instead of smoking when things bother her.

It sounds like you would rather spend the money on counseling and helping her get over the loss of her job and your child, then spend family money on smoking which in the end is bad for the families health.

Good Luck!