Smoking the budget away

[ttt.]

Dear Mitch:
Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope everything is ok. Iam still awaiting your reply. I wanted to give you a littel bit of an update on my own situation, and see if you had any advise to offer. My significant other recently found out that I had hoped to find a way to encouage her to cut down on smoking, or even quit. She, like your wife and daughter, is very addicted. Her insurmountable addiction is her constant defence. She says she can't cut down; her addiction is just too powerful. She says her smoking as always increased over time. Every time she increase, for whatever reason, she ended up addicted and stuck at that level, never again to smoke less than that. Just like with your daughter, even if she gets bronchitis or wose, she soldiers on and keeps right on chainsmoking.
When she discovered my increased effort to help her cut back, such as this forum, she grew upset. Despite her assertion that her addiction is the only reason for her continued smoking habit, I know that she enjoys it and would never quit. She was so upset that almost 3 weeks ago, in a horrible fit of pure rage, she decided she was going to increase. I have only just recently found out that this is why she was both upset and smoking more. Previously she refused to talk to me about, seemingly becoming even more upset every time I tried. Instead, I was forced to watch as she smoke one cigarette after another in an obvious rage whose soruce confused me. Whenever I was home she seemed to smoke constantly, and I rarely saw her take any breaks. I have no idea if she was purposely taking fewer breaks in front of me, or smoking that heavily all day long.
My significant other has finally cooled down from being so upset, but the damage seems to have been done. She refuses to tell me how much she is smoking, but it must considerably more than the 4 packs a day she was smoking before. As if it wasn't enough for her unstoppable addiction to have grown even more, weeks of constant smoking have weakened her already pathetic lungs. She now seems incapable of smoking more than 3 or 4 in a row. Her breathing is more labored; she coughs more. After just 3-4 cigarettes, she has to stop, coughing and wheezing for a break. No matter, or perhaps in spite of, how much I beg her to rest her lungs, she never waits more than a couple minutes before she goes right back to chainsmoking. Although she seems even more helpless in her addiction, she honestly seems pleased that my attempts to get her to cut down have backfired in the worst possible way.

[tulog]

Cut her off financially. Buy the groceries and necessities for the family yourself.

[Mitch71]

Sorry its been a while. Been dealing with some serious issues lately. Had to withdraw my daughter from school today for repeated disciplinary problems. Seems she's been caught smoking at school multiple times int he past two weeks, usually in the girls bathroom at lunch and between classes and on restroom "breaks", but that the school was just contacting her mother. I was never informed of any of her discipline at school, the fact that she was suspended for three days, or anything. I'm pretty mad about it.

Right now, I suppose the plan is to just home school her. My wife has said all along this summer that we needed to pull her out of school and home school her. She says that its not even about the chain smoking anymore, its just a total disciplinary breakdown. At first my teenage daughter was claiming that she "needed" to smoke three to four packs a day to stay sane, and that if she didn't have a cigarette every half hour or so, she'd lose it. But now, its worse. She's acting out, being inappropriate, wearing provacative clothing, and just generally misbehaving. Just the other night at the dinner table she said that she hoped she'd find somebody to get her pregnant soon because she was ready to be a stay at home mom like her mother. I just about lost it right there. My wife just about broke down in tears at the thought of her little girl threatening to sleep around and get pregnant by some stranger on purpose. I looked my wife in the eyes and I could tell that she'd just about given up on what all had happened, and that she was willing to go along with whatever discipline Id suggest, if it gave us a chance to regain some semblance of control as parents. My teenage daughter had just threatened to go get pregnant just to mess with me and my wife, and I could tell by the look in her eyes, she wasn't kidding. She was testing me, and maybe she doesn't really mean anything by it, but she's pushing all of my buttons and its driving me nuts. I've said we would ground her for the rest of the year if she continued to act up, and now its come to this. GROUNDED. FROM. EVERYTHING.

By GROUNDED I mean business. My Daughter is now officially confined to her room most of every afternoon and evening with no internet, no tv, no cellphone, no land line, and no computer or ipad. She is not allowed to go on any dates whatsoever, not allowed to see any friends, not allowed to have friends over, not allowed to go see friends, not allowed to go out at all unless accompanied by her mother or I. She spent all last night locking herself in her room, chainsmoking one cigarette after the other, and reading. Im pretty sure this is how she's going to spend the rest of the Fall.

So for the rest of this semester, and likely school year, she'll be permenantly grounded and home schooled by her mother, who's part time hours have been cut back. No doubt the two of them will soon be going through almost a whole carton of cigarettes every day or two between the two of them. I think its almost two cartons every three days at this point, which is utterly insane, even if they are buying from a discount tobacco store. My daughter has started smoking the same brand as my wife to try and get by any cutbacks, but its still absurdly expensive. I estimate their respective cigarette addictions are costing us over $800-900 a month at this point. It will absolutely devastate my budget, but at this point I see no alternative other than total disciplinary crackdown. Her mother pled for me to be lenient with her about the cigarettes, but I just had heard enough. I would have liked to have confisciated her cigarettes too, but I know her mother would probably just sneak her some more out of sympathy.

I asked my wife to seriously look into the options for rolling her own cigarettes with a cigarette machine with some of the information I got from on here last spring or so, in an effort to save money. If she can show that it saves even $100 a month I suppose I'll do it, but I won't like it. Makes me angry just thinking about how much money they burn.

So, I may not be able to stop the two of them chain smoking, and coughing and wheezing all the time, so I suppose my teenage daughter and wife will go on smoking their lungs out whether I like it or not. But I can fix the other stuff to punish her and enforce the rest of her being grounded. Things I do have control over.

The Grounding has budgetary benifits too. I've canceled our home cable subscription ($99/month) and cancelled our at home internet subscription ($45/month), and cancelled our landline phone ($30/month) and cancelled my daughter's cell phone plan ($55/month as an addon). I've also cancelled her weekly dance lessons that she wasn't going to ($125/ month). That's over $350 a month in savings right there. Plus, Im never going to buy her a car for her sweet sixteen in a few years like she's always thought. Never going to buy her car insurance either. That right there is another future $600+ per month. I did keep my smartphone plan for me and my wife, but thats it. I use my internet at work, and use email from my phone when needed. Daughter doesn't get a phone anymore until she's 18 and can buy one herself. I still get basic broadcast signal for free, for the alphabet networks ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX and PBS, and thats just fine for me. I took the TV out of our family room and put it in my bedroom, which is locked, and I also took the tv from my daughters bedroom as well. For the time being, my daughter is officially no longer allowed to watch any TV whatsoever unless I say so.

For entertainment she can read or re-learn to play the piano. We have an old piano in the garage I inherited from my great aunt who died from lung cancer a few years ago that was just sitting there, so I have wheeled it into a corner in the living room where the TV used to be. My daughter used to take piano lessons when she was younger, and my wife knows how to play as well. There is a box of various sheet music for her to practice with for now, as well as an old church hymnal for her to play. I've also taken up her old iphone and ipod and earphones, so she won't be listening to whatever music she was listening to before. Maybe I will reconsider the pop music ban if she's good between now and christmas, but for now, the only music she will get to hear is the music she plays herself.

This is what I mean by GROUNDED. I mean absolute scorched earth. I've also cut out all the frivilous spending on my daughter we used to do. We used to buy her all manner of unnecessary clothes, often over $100 a month. But not anymore. She had a walk in closet in her room that was jam packed with clothes. She had over two dozen pairs of shoes. Not anymore. I told her she first had to pack like she was going on a two week trip with two suitcases, and that any clothing she put in there she got to keep. I told her to take extra care when she was packing that suitcase, so she took her time. I also told her she got to pick two coats,
a warm one for winter and a light jacket for fall. She picked a navy pea coat and a jean jacket. I told her she got to pick three dresses for church. She claimed she didn't know what to wear to church because we hardely ever went, so I picked three conservative dresses for her and told her that we would start going every sunday I was off. I told her she got to pick only three pairs of shoes, and I suggested that one be a pair of tennis shoes and the other two be dress shoes. She picked a pair of plain white keds, a pair of black ballet flats, and a black pair of mary janes. I then told her that she could pick any one other item of clothing in her closet that she wanted, no questions asked, and she picked a victorias secret pushup bra she'd just gotten but never worn. After that I cleaned out her closet and made her sort it and get all ready to donate to Goodwill. It was 13 Large Garbage bags full of clothes, coats, dresses, pants, jeans, blouses, sweaters and over two dozen pairs of shoes. All donated to Goodwill for tax deduction purposes. That tax deduction will pay off big time next spring when I file next years taxes. Then, I made her go with me to the Goodwill donation station in the bad neighborhood this morning before work and unload all the bags to give most of her clothes away. She cried the whole way there and the whole way back and begged for me to let her have a cigarette, but I said no, not in my car. This is what I mean by GROUNDED.

We got back to the house and she started to pitch a fit, and I told her she better watch herself, because things could always be worse. With tears still streaming down her face she lit a cigarette and rebelliously stormed off to her room. Just as I was getting ready to leave for work this morning, she came back out and said that she had forgotten to pack any socks at all and asked what would she do if she needed some. I looked her dead in the eye, and said that she had all night to pack, and that she should have been more thoughtful, because now she wasn't going to get to have any new socks for the rest of the school year. She looked like she was about to break down and cry again, and just said fine, she didn't want any socks anyways, and just stormed off to her room in another puff of smoke. I almost laughed about her pouting, and especially over something as silly as socks, since she hardly ever wore socks anyways, but I know it was the principal of the matter more than anything. And I mean to hold fast. No socks for her, no new clothes at all this year. She doesn't need them, she's too spoiled and too used to getting too much and taking it all for granted. Maybe at Christmas, if she's good all this fall, then maybe, just maybe, she will be allowed to get a few christmas presents, which may include some new clothes. But not until then.

She already has so much more than I ever had growing up, its time for her to learn a little humility. This is what being Grounded means in my house. When I bring the hammer I bring it all the way down. The more I think about it, the more comfortable I get with her being home schooled for all of high school. My wife's part time hours are limited, and she barely brings in enough money to buy their cigarettes, let alone any extra spending money, so I think this may be for the best. My wife is actually very supportive of the home schooling option, and at this point, I think its for the best too. Even if my teenage daughter's only forms of entertainment will be reading books, playing the piano, and as much as I hate it, her mother insisted she be allowed to smoke in her room; so I suppose as long as it's confined exclusively to her room, she can chain smoke and read books all she wants, although Im not sure that even counts as entertainment to her: but that will be absolutely it. She can do those things all she wants I suppose, but nothing else. No dates. No friends. No tv. No internet. No cell phone. No landline. No closet full of designer clothes. Not even a single pair of socks. None of that. That is what GROUNDED means in my house. Not running around with her friends at night getting into trouble. Not messing around with drugs like one of her friends at school who just got expelled for drugs at the same time my daughter was caught smoking cigarettes in the girls bathroom. And definitely not hanging around older boys risking all manner of disease and teenage pregnancy. Not in this house. Not anymore.

So maybe some of you thing I'm being too extreme with this level of grounding. But by this point, I don't think so. I think its absolutely necessary to do my utmost as a concerned father. So this is where Im standing. Its not easy, but at least my wife is standing with me.

[mom-from-missouri]

If it were my daughter, I would seriously consider sending her away to a military school. For one, they do not tolerate acting out or smoking. My stepson went to one, as an unruly wild kid who was smoking, drinking, not doing schoolwork, sneaking out...., and came out 2 years later a respectful young man. He acted up at the school, and they took it to the juvenile officer, who took him before a judge, and told him either military school or jail. He chose the school.

They can also help with addiction problems as well.

I know it sounds expensive...but, minus the cigarettes she won't be smoking, and the fact your wife could work full time, it would balance out.

Your wife also needs help (as I am sure you are very aware of). Prayers for your family.

I guess I am old fashioned--I consider my husband to be the head of the house. Perhaps you could take the same approach with the wife and her smoking?

I'd get a new checking account and credit card accounts with only your name on it (put your wife as a survivor benefit on the checking), and close all others. YOU control the money--leaving her with none for smoking. Of course, you also have to then pay the bills and buy the food.

I think your wife is just as immature as your daughter.

We are a homeschooling family. What makes you think your daughter will actually (and your wife) do the work?? get her involved with a homeschool co-op. Make sure you check your states homeschooling laws.

[ttt.]

Mitch:
Thank you for your reply. I do not think your groudning of your daughter was too harsh. She may dislike you now, but she will thank you later for not getting pregnant as a teenager.
I hope that homeschooling will work out for your daughter.
I am still hoping that you will answer some of my quiestions to help with my own situation:

In your April post, you said that everytime you see your daughter light up a cigarete, you see her chain smoke 3-4 in a row instead of just 1. Do you see her chaining more in a row now, like 4 or 5 or 6 every time?
Is your wife still chainsmoking 5 or 6 in a row every time and never going more than 30 minutes without a cigarette if she can help it?
You have previously said that in the evenings in front of the TV, you have seen your wife chainsmoke 10 or 15 in a row in a 2 hour period. How often do you see your wife do this; do you think she does it every night?
Have you been seeing your daughter do this too?
In your most recent post, you said, " I’ve seen my wife chainsmoke several cigarettes in a row, then after coughing and wheezing and spitting up phlegm, she has to wait a minute to catch her breath before lighting another cigarette." How often do you see this happen to your wife?
Does it only happen rarely (like once a week) or every day (such as when she tries to smoke continuously for hours at a time in the evenings)?
Or does it happen often? For example, yousaid you wife usually will sit down, and smoke 5 or 6 cigarettes in a row, then get up an do something for 20 or 30 minutes. Is she able to smoke 5 or cigarettes in a row without taking a break; or is she only able to smoke 3-4 in row, then forced to tkae a break for minute, before chaining through several more?
If she is forced to take a break like that, and can only smoke 3 or 4 cigarettes in a row, what happens in the evening when she tries to chainsmoke continuously for 2 hours? Does she smoke 3-4 in a row, get a bad coughing/wheezing fit, stop smoking a minute or so, then just go right back to it and chain another 3 or 4 before she has to stop again, repeating this cycle 3 or 4 or 5 times in a row before finally getting up to do something?
Have you seen your daughter exhibit this behavior yet, ie smoke 3 or 4 in a row, then stop for just a minute or so to catch her breath, then chainsmoke some more?
You said that a doctor told your wife that she may already have early stage emphysema, when was that?
What is your daughter's reaction to seeing your wife struggling to breath?
In your last post you said/inferred that you beleive your wife smoked 2-3 packs a day as a teenager and also 2-3 packs a day when pregnant with your daughter. Do you think she smoked more heavily before getting pregnant with your daughter and cut down?
Did she breastfeed your daughter?

[bjl584]

This is the strangest thread ever. Every time OP makes a post someone with the user name ttt coincidently happens along to post a reply. Sometimes the postings of OP are months apart, but ttt always posts within hours of OP.

I'm thinking this thread is fake. But, I don't see the point. Maybe it's some sort of experiment to get all of our reactions to OP's story. Maybe ttt is in fact OP and is just helping to further along the conversation. Sometimes OP won't post for months at a time, but within 20 minutes here comes ttt to weigh in. I can't believe for even a minute that user ttt is lurking on the forums for months on end just waiting for OP to post an update. Especially when ttt doesn't post to any other threads or contribute to the forum in any other way. He only shows up when OP makes an update.

So, I have to ask OP. What is the point of all of this?

If this is real, then I feel for you OP and I hope that you can come to some sort of solution to this that is best for you and your family. But, I am growing skeptical of this story. Best of luck to you.

[Mitch71]

I guess I'm not sure if there is necessarily a single point anymore per se, as much as general advise seeking from similarly budget minded people. Sometimes I think that having a diversity of view points about complex issues can be insightful.

Just to be clear though, Im not ttt. I have no idea who ttt is.

I suppose some people can have sites they check more regularly than others, and I will admit that often times I get too tied up to remember to check here. That being said, I'll admit that some of ttt's questions seem a bit strange sometimes. I guess I never really thought all that much about why he was asking them, other than it seemed like maybe he had some experience dealing with similar issues.

Even when someones experiences are different than mine, I still try to listen to what they have to say. I guess thats part of why I asked in the first place, is because I believe that there are probably people out there who have more perspective than me and may have some insight. I don't claim to be right, but I will claim that I will at least try to listen to what other people have to say, even if they disagree with me.

I suppose besides trying to listen to the thoughts and advice from others, much of which has been very helpful I msut say; I think part of me is also letting myself vent my frustration, and hopefully get some helpful advice from people smarter than me. I recognize that difficult family issues that cost lots of money can sometimes be more than a little controversial, especially depending on what background someone may be coming from.

Every family is different. And every Family Budget is different. Some families don't think twice about having a single budgetary plan made by the father/husband. Others are completely driven by the mother. Some family budgets favor saving for retirement above all else, while others favor saving for education first, while others are just trying to get by. Some families have lots of kids, some have just one like mine, and some may have none. Some families may have parents than don't allow alcohol in the house, while other families may have parents that drink in front of their kids. Some families allow their teenagers to drink and just tell their kids to call them if they need a ride, while other families will literally pull a kid out of school at the first smell of beer on their teenager's breath. Similarly, Some other parents I've met will not only smoke cigarettes around their kids, they'll even let their kids smoke. It turns out there are alot more of those parents out there than I knew. Thats been a difficult thing for me to come to grips with, that I have a teenage daughter who smokes alot and is extremely headstrong about it. But its a family life reality that I deal with, and its one that comes with costs. But its also something that others have dealt with as well. And It is from them that I seek advice, with an open mind and willingness to listen to what they say.

Just like there are parents who have teens that struggle with drug addiction, and all of its many facets, there are parents who have teens that struggle with alcoholism, both of which seem to have far more immediately life threatening consequences than a cigarette addiction. Maybe its just the time I grew up in, but in the late 1980s in high school, probably half the kids in my class smoked. Many of those who were my friends back then had parents knew their kids smoked, yet still didn't ground them. To me, the smoking is an issue, mainly because of its absured costs as well as its long term health dangers, but its not nearly as severe as the dangers of total loss of discipline.

So while this may have started out as a post about the excessive costs of smoking, namely my wife's smoking when she became unemployed, as well as dealing with the skyrocketing costs of cigarettes, due in part to tobacco taxes, it has naturally evolved as the situation has. I have gotten some good advice on here, and yes, some not so good advice, but I listen and I try to do what works. Then things change, the situation changes, and I try to adapt, just like all parents have to. Then, thinking back about it, I decide that maybe its time to update those similarly budget conscious internet communities who has seemed to be very tolerant and respectful of my difficulties, and see if they may have some more helpful advice for me.

More often than not, I am frequently pleasantly suprised at the good advice Ive gotten here. Even since yesterday, a lady from Missouri gave me some advice about Home Schooling, that I have started to look into. She even recommended Military school, which is something that I literally have never thought of, but may have to consider if it gets more out of hand with my daughter. Private school options like that arent cheap, they are expensive. They cost money, Which impacts my family budget. Even if not everyone has had direct experience with the same problems I am having, I think alot of people have had related experiences and overcome their own unique sets of obstacles.

For me at least, I feel fortunate to have a place to listen to the experiences of others when dealing with similar situations. Thanks again for your help moderating, as well as everyone else's responses. Everyone may not always agree on everything, but at least we can always respect each other and listen. And for that, I am grateful.

Thanks again,

Mitch.

[shaggy]

on other forums I moderate, I can see the IP of everyone who logs in, so it's obvious who is masquerading as multiple identities.

I find it even stranger that ttt has only posted in this thread. But I have no skin in the game.

[mom-from-missouri]

on other forums I moderate, I can see the IP of everyone who logs in, so it's obvious who is masquerading as multiple identities.

Interesting. So, how does it work if several people share a computer? My neighbor belongs on here and has no computer--she uses my laptop often (although I haven't seen her post in a while). My husband also uses mine (although he isn't on this site--that I know of anyway) because he doesn't like the windows program on his...

[Mitch71]

Interesting. So, how does it work if several people share a computer? My neighbor belongs on here and has no computer--she uses my laptop often (although I haven't seen her post in a while). My husband also uses mine (although he isn't on this site--that I know of anyway) because he doesn't like the windows program on his...

FWIW, I think mom-from-missouri is kinda right. I use a shared computer at work most of the time. Most of the time I log in to this or other sites is when Im checking up on things in between assignments. I know we are supposed to keep our personal computer use to a minimum, but since our office policy doesn't ban it, I occasionally use it for logging on to check email or forums or whatever. But I still try to not download anything onto the shared office computer.

But now that I have officially cancelled my home internet, (and cable, and landline, and daughters cell phone plan) the only internet I'll have at my house will be through my smart phone's internet plan. Somebody told me I can tether a computer at my house to my smart phone, but I don't know how to do that yet, so I guess unless I check this blog at work, I'll just have to check it on my phone sometimes. In any event, I hope it stays slow enough at work so that I can take care of any internet business there (although not too slow, because thats bad for business afterall).

Anyways, sorry for all you conspiracy theorists out there, but I really am just me. Ive got the same ridiculous family problems other people have dealt with, and we all have to figure out what ways work best to try to deal with them under the circumstances and given the particular personalities involved.

PS: I cannot wait to be saving over $350+ a month after cancelling home internet, cable, landline, and daughters cell phone line. My daughter may think she's living in the dark ages, but I told her to light up because at least I didn't try to cancel the electricity in her room too! J/K, I wouldn't do that. Life in the south without AC is unlivable and Im not trying to make her life unlivable: I just want her to focus on learning in a home school environment and being better disciplined. Taking away the distractions of tv, internet, cell phone, land line telephone, etc let her focus on reading books, practicing piano, and other constructive activities.

PPS: mom-from-missouri, thanks for the homeschooling advice. My wife actualy used to be a high school english teacher for a year or so back in the 90's but she may be a bit rusty. She talked with some of her teacher friends and a friend of ours who homeschools and went online to check out our states rules and also to get a bunch of cirriculum planning information. There is so much good homeschool information out there Im really impressed. So far, she has her working through practice ACT tests available for free online, as well as a really through reading schedule. She has to read a book a week, all of school approved lists, and write a book report. She just turned in her first report last night. My wife's even found online tests from teachers for alot of the books on her lists, and she is going to give our daughter a test on the book today, then go back to practing for the ACT math section again. Honestly, from the outside, I think my daughter can learn more in 4 hours of homeschooling, than she did in 8 hours of high schooling in public school. And it sure seems there's way lower risk of drug use or teenage pregnancy with home schooling her!

[ttt.]

Mitch:
How are things going with your daughter and wife?

[xclonexclonex]

Can the OP please post an update? I am things have improved since the last time he posted.

[Mitch71]

PatchRowcester and ttt,

Thanks for checking in. Sorry its been a while, I guess I can't believe how long its been since I read up on things. I think I read this blog forum more when it gets time to do my taxes every year!

Anyways, I just saw that you guys asked how my wife and daughter are doing, so I figured I should let you know. We are actually starting to get our budget on track in a rather unconventional manner, and most notably, the home schooling has been really great for my daughter this year. Really. I suppose I mean that in a mostly academic way, because her focus on school and studies has never been better. She had previously been an A student before last year when she started having discipline problems at school, but now that she's homeschooled, shes zooming through her lessons with top scores and my wife and I are seriously considering letting her test for skipping a grade next year. She'll still a few months shy of turning 15 and she has already completed an Honors Algebra II course and is now learning on Trig. She also already aced her Chemistry I and Biology I courses, as well as English Literature, which she has always been strong in. Honestly, she could probably take English Lit II - IV and ace them all, but she's been working on her Math, especially since we have found her a wonderful Math Tutor who she loves working with. We are even thinking about moving her into Pre-Calculus this summer.

Oh yeah, and her ACT score is 31! Yeah, you read that right. 31. Thats just insanely good progress. She is optimistic that she can get either a 35 or better on the ACT within a year or so. Just Wow.

I actually give most of the credit to her mother for helping her achieve this. Her mother is a fantastic teacher. And their bond and relationship has never been better. In fact, she is becoming more and more like her mother every day too, even starting too look like she did when she was younger. And while I think thats mostly a great thing, since of course, I adore her mother, it does mean the two sharing some of their less endearing traits as well. Namely, chain smoking.

Its been a long hard fight on this, but I finally gave in to the fact that my wife was just going to be a fully unrepentant chainsmoker for the rest of her life. Now, it seems our daughter is set to follow the same path. I suppose thats been coming for several years. She now smokes about as much as her mother does, which is frankly frightening to contemplate or calculate. But if there is a silver lining, is that I finally tried somebody's suggestion from this board for a way to save money on cigarette costs, and I finally caved in last fall and ended up buying my wife a cigarette rolling machine. Now they have started rolling their own cigarttes and its ended up actually saving several hundred dollars a month, even though its not uncommon for either of them to roll upto a hundred a day. I cringe a little bit thinking about the fact that Im fairly sure that their constant smoking has only gotten more incessant since they started rolling their own, but the savings really are utterly astonishing. It took me a long time of being resistant, but after finally giving in on this point, I really can finally see the savings. Moreover, Ive been suprised to find that the less I protested about her constant smoking, in exchange for stricter discipline in all other areas, the better results we achieved. Besides, I had much more important issues to address.

In fact, honestly, as unbearably hard as it has been for me to learn to accept this particular habit both my wife and my daughter share, and as long as I fought and cried about it, I have found that the more I have let my worries to go to God, the better I have felt about it. I do not like it still, but I have tried to seek His wisdom, to Accept the Things I Cannot change.

And as I have done this, our lives have gotten better in so many ways, its hard to contemplate.

I think it started with help from an Non-denominational Evangelical Christian homeschooling network that my wife reached out to. At first I had my doubts. We were infrequent church goers at most, maybe occasionally Easter or Christmas, but that was about it.

But instead of going out to a formal church, we started following along online with Bible study at home. It makes my wife much more comfortable than being in a traditional and overly formal church, and in turn it has made my daughter more open to God too.

Really, my wife had to persuade me to join, but I have found such peace since I started participating in this Bible study course, and also since I started going to a psychatrist last fall.

The Wellbutrin has done absolute wonders for me and my ability to be content with my life. The counseling has helped alot too, and I actually get along better with my wife now than I have in years. I mean years.

I was resistant to turning my problems over to God, until I saw the signals He was trying to send me. It took three times before I got it late last summer. I was lucky to survive them.

First, I had a single car accident while drunk last summer. It was so wrong of me, but I am so blessed that I was not hurt and that no one else was either. It was hard for me to tell my wife I had been drinking in secret again. It was even harder to tell my daughter. How could I ever complain about my wife or daughter's constant smoking that they were open and honest about, while my secret alcoholism was risking my life.

Second, being a slow learner, I had an out of town business trip a few weeks afterwards, where I ended up drung again at night, and waking up in a hospital. Possibly alcohol posioning, or maybe I hit my head. But it was really bad. I dont think Id actually been hospitalized, or ever even taken to the ER before, myself, in my whole life. Until early last Fall. I could have died alone. Leaving no one to take care of my wife and family. I was just being selfish.

Third, a very close friend of mine died, that same night that I was hospitalized. He was alone in another city too, drinking by himself, with no one there to help him. We were the same age and had been best friends for years. It took me a while to process everything, even as I went to his funeral.

Still, I continued to hesitate before turning to God. I considered myself lucky, but did not yet understand the extent of my Blessing. When I had my blood pressure checked last Fall and found out that I was at risk of Stage II Hypertension, I was starting to get scared. Scared about whether or not I was going to make it and be there for my girls. I had looked for God at the bottom of a bottle for many years, but never found him there.

So I found it oddly funny, when I found the Lord through the Homeschool network my wife contacted last Fall. She was just seeking help academically at first, but then it became so much more. She and my daughter were the first to really convert themselves as disciples of Christ.

But when I saw what it did for them, it really had me thinking. Around the same time, at the insistance of my wife, I started going to AA again. I never liked going much before, so I had quit. My group meets at the First Baptist Church, and it has made such a difference in my life, I can't hardly explain. I have met the most wonderful Christian men and women there, all like me, struggling to overcome their addiction to alcohol.

Then a funny things happened. I started to notice how many other people at AA smoked cigarettes. An awful lot of them did. Literally every woman there did. I of course, had given up smoking myself after college, but lived with chain smokers so I was used to it. But I did ask one day, about how could we learn to accept something like smoking, if we are to treat our bodies like a temple. The answer suprised me. Its not that we can always treat out bodies like a temple, all the time, but its that we must recognize that our bodies are merely vessles for our souls. When we drink, we drink, in part to forget ourselves, and we lose a part of our soul. Here were people like me, struggling to fight off the deadly and family destroying addiction to alcohol. They took comfort in their cigarettes, just like my wife did, and while they knew they were bad for them, it wasnt the cigarettes tearing their families apart, it was the alcohol. Thats when I realized what had happened in my own family. It wasnt the cigarettes that was tearing us apart, it wasnt my wife and daughters constant smoking one cigarette after the other, it was the alcohol. It was my drinking. And it had to stop.

So thats when I really, REALLY put the bottle down.

Then I stopped being a liar, and started trying to accept myself for what I was. An Alcoholic. I will always been an Alcoholic. But I can still learn to seek Sobriety as a worthy goal. I am still one day at a time, but I have more faith and more hope in His plan now, than I ever have before.

Then a wonderful thing happened. When I stopped drinking and started going to AA again, and started going to counseling with my wife, my marriage got better. The marriage counselor, who as it turns out was also a smoker herself, helped me realize that among other things, the more I tried to harass my wife about her smoking or our daughters smoking, the worse it made things. But the more I tried to accept it, and not fight with my wife about her constant smoking, the better things went.

At this same time, my wife and I also started going to see psychatrists, and also taking our daughter to see one as well. My psychatrist put me on Wellbutrin, and while I was very skeptical at first, after about the second month, I really started to notice a wonderful change. It wasnt sudden or magical, but I started to find myself much less sad and depressed. I started to find joy again.

My daughter benefited from going to see a psychatrist too, as she was diagnosed with ADHD, and prescribed Adderall. I have to say, the Adderall has worked absolute wonders on her ability to focus on her school work. We have also had far fewer discipline problems from her as well. She listens and behaves better, and is much less distracted. Perhaps the only side effect if any has been that it does tend to make her chain smoke more. Like alot more, to the point where she now chainsmokes just about as much as her mother. But, like I mentioned earlier, as hard as it has been for me to learn to accept the things I cannot change, and to learn to not pick fights with my family over their smoking; this has been something where I have practiced trying to praise the benefits that the Adderall has brought her. Along with home schooling, it has brought about a change in her behavior, so profound, that I literally almost cannot believe it.

A year or so ago, my daughter was headed for trouble. She was getting into bigger and bigger disciplinary trouble at school. It had started with getting caught smoking in the bathroom, but I could tell where it was headed. She had even started asking her mother about birth control pills, which we saw as a sign that she was contemplating getting sexually active, and which neither of us were ready for her to start doing. Worse, she was falling in with the wrong crowd. It was clear that some of the people she hung out with were at the very least probably smoking pot, and who knows what else. And thats the kind of crowd that leads people down the road to using drugs and getting her pregnant as a teenager.

We had to do something.

Homeschooling and Adderall and Prayer were the Answer.

Taken together, Im convinced it has truly Saved our daughter.

And through this wonderful Christian Homeschool network, we have also been able to cut out the bad influences from the Wrong Crowd that she was falling in with before. The fact that she isnt allowed to have a cell phone or her own computer has helped alot too, as has the fact that we now only have one television, which is locked up most of the time, has been a big part of us blocking the sinful cultural messages bombarded on TV and the Internet. It has been a wonderful life changer for all of us really. Turns out, we've all become much happier without TV and wasting time on the internet. And somehow, we actually end up finding new ways to save even more money, and live on a tighter budget.

The other great thing about getting into this Christian Homeschool network, is that it has also given us access to resources we would have never had before. Like our daughter's Math tutor Issac, who is a college student finishing his Senior year studying to become a Math teacher, and who just got back from a two year Mission trip to Vietnam. Even though he's only twenty five, he's had incredible life experience and has truly become a great Role Model for our daughter to look up to. Plus, she just thinks the world of him. At first, he came once every other week, but as she began to suddenly show much more interest in math that she never had before, he started coming over to work with her individually more often. Its actually been great for her to get so much one on one time with him every week, and has let my wife start working again part time one or two days a week. He doesnt even charge us for tutoring her in math! he enjoys working with her so much, he just volunteers his time to spend working with her one on one.

When we compare this to last year, with her hanging out with that Bad Crowd, to her this year, always wanting to spend as much time as possible with her tutor working on Math, its really amazing. He has been an absolute Godsend for her.

I used to have my doubts about Homeschooling, but not any more. I have become a Believer.

So thats the update. A bit Longwinded I know, but theres been so much Good News I needed to share, Im glad you cared enough to ask me.

It really means alot for me to get to share my difficulties and experiences with people here, and to get such great advice from everyone on everything from saving money to prioritizing family. It hasnt always been easy for me, but I have always appreciated it and Im so very glad to have had the opportunity.

Thanks again, Mitch.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Interesting update. Congrats on getting sober. Hope your wife and daughter quit smoking for their own health. I think it's great that homeschooling has worked for you. I personally wouldn't rush into jumping ahead a grade, but rather continue to let learning develop at the pace your daughter is doing it.

[snafu]

Thank you for the update. Good news that DD has moved away from the 'wrong' crowd. Students who have skipped a grade sometimes have problems socializing at university and that's often a place where important relationships are developed. Delighted that you're dealing with your alcohol issues and feel confident you will succeed meeting your goals.

I suggest you carefully review your medical coverage and learn exactly what will be covered and to what dollar value for the illnesses asthma, Buerger's disease, Emphysema, cancer [mouth, lips, throat, larynx, esophagus, bladder, kidney, liver, stomach, pancreas], Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary disease, Diabetes, Heart Disease and stroke. These are all serious and painful medical conditions whose treatment is painful and expensive and results from self inflicted disease...smoking.