Smoking the budget away

[DebbieL]

Another issue is that her smoking could very well be keeping her unemployed. I personally could not stand to work next to someone who reeked like cigarettes (which she surely must with that level of smoking). Actually, in my ten years at the architectural firm I used to work at there were many employees over the years. Not one smoker. That's the truth. It may not be overtly stated that that's why she isn't getting hired, but seriously, would you hire her with that smell (and potentially high medical costs), when there are 50 people through the door who are equally qualified non-smokers? I wouldn't.

[snshijuptr]

So obviously the cost of the cigarettes is not what it bothering you. It sounds more like you just want you wife to quit smoking. You must keep in mind 1) you married her and stayed with her so many years accepting the fact that she smoked and 2) your wife is having a hard time right now as she said. So give her a little time to get into the routine of her paper route or if she doesn't get the job help her find another small productive job. Then talk to her again about cutting back on the cigarettes and about improving her job prospects.

[bennkar]

I think you've gotten some interesting advice here, hopefully quite helpful. I just wanted to add one comment. Do not get into the "we both did it years ago, so I shouldn't be critical of her" mindset, period. That's a terrible argument. The same people that say you should stay with her anyway because of this wouldn't be saying it if you had both been shooting drugs, and you had cleaned yourself up and she hadn't. This is a health, hygiene, financial, and dependency issue, just because smoking is legal doesn't make it any better. I'm not saying you should leave her now, but you need to be firm with her, give her support, but make it stick. A tough balancing act to be sure, but letting her pull at your emotions will probably kill your good intentions. It may not be fair, but you need to be strong in this, stick to your guns, and realize it probably going to get worse before things finally turn around.

[ewe2003]

Addiction and Brain Washing

Smoking is two things: Drug addiction and Brain Washing. Putting a hard line ultimatum on someone who is already addicted and brain washed by a nicotine may stop smoking for a period of time, a day, a year, whatever, but usually its not permanent. (Especially when people have been smoking for years) About the ultimatum... ie. 'it's the family or the cigarettes?' Why would people actually choose the cigarettes??? This is the brain washing part. I really really encourage you to just check out a copy of Allen Carr's book, the easy way to quit smoking. It works. The author went from 100 cigarettes a day to zero and never went back to smoking. It worked that same way for me. One day smoking the next done, never to return. That over 4 years ago for me. If it doesn't work for your wife, you've lost nothing. But it does work. As I posted earlier check out the reviews amazon.

[Ima saver]

My parents were both smokers. My mother said I could smoke as long as I did not hide it from her. I started at age 12 and smoked 2 packs a day until I was in my mid forties. I started to hate to spend the money, so I quit cold turkey and have not started back. The first year I quit, I put away a dollar a day in mutual funds cause I was saving money. Cigarettes were about 75 cents back then, for one pack.

[couchrobt]

Just try and quit! I know it is easier said than done. But it is still worth a try.

[khosta]

It seems you're a good husband and a caring one too! Try to help her... therapy, intervention, hypnosis - something! Help her health and your child's health, help your marriage and help her to be happy again!!! She may not quit completely but anything is better than nothing!! Good luck!

[NolaP]

Wow. That is some intense smoking. I read an article recently that said that all the chemicals smokers leave behind on clothing and upholstery, etc., can be enough to cause cancer and other health problems in the people that come in contact with them. But this does sound like she has a real issue to deal with here, and that it goes deeper than just the smoking. Maybe you can find an addiction specialist in your area that can help? The bottom line though is that she is going to have to want to quit. I've heard good things about hypnosis and acupuncture. Good luck to you - it can be done.

[Mitch71]

So I have very mixed feelings about how all of this is turning out so far. On the one hand my wife is still chain smoking as heavily as ever, between 3 to 4 packs a day, and has become almost defiant in her attitude about it. Its almost like my criticism of her smoking and attempting to put my foot down about the costs just spurred her to shift from being more depressive into being more combatative, like somehow her chainsmoking is a rebellion against me for being the same old boring husband worried about bills. Ive also noticed that she's smoking more around the house, during times or in places she never used to smoke, such as smoking at the table during dinner, or smoking while doing laundry, and even smoking while taking a bath. She used to do most of her smoking outside on the back patio, or in her car with the window rolled down while driving to work or running errands, and she rarely smoked inside the house since our daughter was born, at least until this past year or so. Now Im as worried as ever that my wife's chain smoking is setting a bad example for our daughter, and may be encouraging her to start smoking. Then I feel even worse as a father, because Im not sure I would even know if my daughter did start smoking, because I work so much I feel like Im never home. Since we've been been so financially strapped, Ive been taking every chance I was offered to work overtime or work extra hours, sometimes working late at night or on extra weekends, so that I can get some extra money to pay the bills.

But on the other hand my wife seems to be making at least some progress on getting a job, as she just got her first paycheck this week from her morning paper delivery job. It wasnt much money in this paycheck, just over $300, without any taxes or withholdings, but it was something. I try not to scoff at her being proud of making that amount of money, even though its only a fraction of what she used to make before at her old job. I know that sounds harsh for me to think, and I havent said anything about it to her, other than being generally positive and encouraging. For her part, she has loved the job, because apparently she is unofficially 'allowed' to smoke on this ratty delivery truck they have her driving around. She said alot of the other guys who drive the other routes also smoke in their trucks, so its not a big deal, but I have my doubts if its the best way for her to keep her addiction under control. But Im not sure. Just this morning I asked if she could use her paycheck to pay about $200 or so down on that credit card she ran up and she lit another cigarette and then lit into me about being on her case all the time.

I tried to calm her down, and mentioned that the credit card bill said the payment was due on the 12th of next month, so I thought it would be a good idea for her to set some money aside to pay it. First, She said that $100 would not be enough for her to get by on for the next two weeks, and I told her that I could give her money for gas or groceries, just like we've always budgeted for, and it wouldnt be an issue. Then she said that she had already spent most of the money ordering cigarettes online and on buying something for our daughter, although she didnt say what. I was trying to be reasonable and understanding, so I told her I could give her about $100 to help with her expenses until her next paycheck, but that I needed her to promise that she would pay that credit card statement with her next paycheck before it was due. This whole time she was fussily smoking one cigarette after another, which was starting to get irritating, then after another bout of whining she finally reluctantly agreed.

I just cant believe this is the same girl I fell in love with all those years ago, it breaks my heart, but I know deep down I could never be the one to seperate our family, so I tell myself I have to find a way to stick with it, for our daughters sake if for one one elses. For now Im just trying to get over my wifes chainsmoking of 3 or 4 packs a day, and just hoping that she really does make that credit card payment on time next month. I dont want to say its a line in the sand, or a litmus test, but part of me thinks thats the right way to view the matter.

[bennkar]

If someone is doing things in your life that make it extremely unhealthy for your family to live (like is happening to you), THAT PERSON is trying to break up the family, not you. You need to keep that in mind. That you have put up with this for so long is a testament to your desire to keep things together. My advice from earlier in the thread still holds. Worry about your health and that of your daughter, that should be your priority right now.

[tan fish]

I'm really sorry to hear about what is obviously a very difficult situation. I used to have a pack and a half a day habit years ago, and successfully quit after going on the patch. It is hard to quit, but reading about your circumstances, I can tell you that it will likely be much harder for her to quit. Not only is her physical addiction probably much stronger than mine ever was, but it seems like there are a lot of serious, perhaps long-term, emotional issues tied in as well, like depression, anxiety, etc. (sorry if I am sounding patronizing here). A three pack a day habit is really very serious. There's something underneath there that needs to be addressed. And of course, the physical health and financial destruction is obvious too.

I would suggest that she seek some counseling with a doctor, and possibly some sort of counseling type of professional. Hope things work out.

[greenskeeper]

"smoking the budget way" brings up a story from my workplace.

I worked with a guy who earned the nickname "dollar Bill" (Bill was his name)

He always wanted to do the parking lot cleanup, which we did in the mornings before any customers got there.

I finally asked him why he liked the job so much.

He would COLLECT the used cigarettes and SMOKE THEM! Talk about gross!

He said it saved him hundreds of dollars and got to smoke for free...lol

[LuckyRobin]

Have you considered that your wife might be mentally ill? Her behavior is going way beyond addiction. There is a huge amount of obsessive/compulsiveness going on here.

[safari]

A person needs to make the decision to quit smoking on his or her own. No matter what argument you use with your wife, she won't quit smoking. Most likely it will have the opposite effect and she will become resentful to you and it will hurt your relationship. I was a smoker for 19 years and I can tell you that I hated when the people close to me made comments on how smoking was bad for me and that I should quit. I quit on my own, cold turkey, when I decided that I had smoked enough and it was time to move on.

[couchrobt]

However bad it is to the health, which I believe smokers know just as well as we do, still they keep doing it. Nothing much you can do if the person is unwilling to help himself.