Why can't my wife understand?

[tripods68]

I don't really understand this post either. I don't know about your marriages, but marriages are to be negotiated and changed over time based on the needs of the family and spouses and each other for the GOOD of one another. Sheesh.
They may have started with the idea of one spouse home or whatever but that isn't necessarily written in stone.

You marry someone does not means people must change. People change because they want to. It's not like she put a gun on him. Why marry someone that tells you she does not want to work at all? He made that commitment. That's a fundamental decision they both agreed before coming into marriage. Now the OP wants to change the rule in the middle and the wife suppose to just accept it. No wonder she isn't happy. That's my point.

[cschin4]

You marry someone does not means people must change.

You marry somebody with the idea in mind that your are going to thoughtfully consider the needs and wants of your spouse. And, that both of you will do what is necessary to make life better for one another. I don't think it is a difficult concept. And, I think most married couples try to do that versus demanding "my way or the highway".

[disneysteve]

You marry somebody with the idea in mind that your are going to thoughtfully consider the needs and wants of your spouse. And, that both of you will do what is necessary to make life better for one another. I don't think it is a difficult concept. And, I think most married couples try to do that versus demanding "my way or the highway".

I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately, I think the high divorce rate points to the fact that many couples don't think this way. They expect marriage to be a certain way. They figure that once married, the other person will change. As soon as they find that things aren't working out the way they anticipated, they head for the door. They think of themselves first and don't consider the needs of their spouse or their needs jointly as a couple.

[davrobins]

Well, spending money is living life. Hense where the saying comes from of Money makes the workd go round. If you wanna spend your money, then go ahead

[Seeker]

I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately, I think the high divorce rate points to the fact that many couples don't think this way. They expect marriage to be a certain way. They figure that once married, the other person will change. As soon as they find that things aren't working out the way they anticipated, they head for the door. They think of themselves first and don't consider the needs of their spouse or their needs jointly as a couple.

yup. Most people who are realistic about marriage, know that the concept of two people agreeing to commit to each other will mean continuous talk and compromise. Yes, changes can happen over time; but changes will only happen when the individual wants that change themself.

Like it or not, married or single, we are individuals... whom either keep our word or not, change and grow or not, live and enjoy life alone or with a partner. I like being married and it may have gotten to a point where Gridfel & Mrs. Gridfel are in conflict.

Sending your wife to work, means that within a week or so, the job will be gone. She will be fired most likely, because she does not want to be working. It's not how she sees herself. Granted, it could be very well opposite; she may come to enjoy working with other people. One never knows until one tries.

Ultimately, Gridfel is either deliberately instigating this posting by feeding us "bits" of info that really tell us nothing (as he should already know), or the entire listing is a "troll"

Gridfel, your budget excludes food. It excludes mortgage/rent. It is meaningless without a number for income. It tells nothing... as you know.

Make a choice, stay married and come to terms with the fact that you are not going to change your wife. Come to terms with the fact that you agreed to stay within "budget" and as the sole income earner, when you lost part of your wages, you need to curtail parts of the budget to make up for that loss. Come to terms with the fact that there can be no other response from any of us on this forum without real budget figures to get a gleaning of the real cost of your hobby.

[scfr]

gridfel - Isn't there a way you can still enjoy golf while cutting your golf expenses back?
What about joining a range program and playing a full round only occasionally?
What about playing at twilight rates on weekday evenings instead of on the weekends?
Could you volunteer as to marshall on a course in exchange for free rounds?
If you buy any refreshments while out playing, certainly that could be cut out, couldn't it?
If you have any old golf gear laying around, could you sell it to plump up the golf budget?
Since your wife is so good at finding bargains, could she search out coupons or discounts at local courses for you?

Why not see just how far you can stretch that $100 monthly budget and still get maximum enjoyment, instead of griping? Channel your energy more positively!

As you may have guessed, I'm married to a golf fanatic who is a doll about keeping the expenses under control. His spending on golf has never caused me to complain. He belongs to a range program, plays a full round only about once a month, and when he does play it is twilight or on some sort of special or coupon. (Although I'll admit I don't understand the need keep updating the equipment, but that's another story!)

[goldentraders]

Yes, he worked hard for the money, but it isn't HIS - it is THEIRS. He's married. He has another person to support and consider in all decisions.

Yeah I know, but I think they're arguing much... Didn't he say this,

And her harping on me all the time to stop wasting money on my hobby only makes me more stressed so I spend even more. Isn't stress relief a legitimate reason to spend money?

I had the word "so I spend even more" bold, It has been clearly said... He's spending more when he gets confronted by her wife... So I think If I was the wife I would use a reverse psychology once the person is acting that way... Did I make myself clear?

[cicy33]

Money or happiness - the age old dilemma. Ask your wife how much your happiness is worth to her.

and VICE VERSA what is her happiness worth to him????

[Inkstain82]

Money or happiness - the age old dilemma. Ask your wife how much your happiness is worth to her.

Phrasing the question that way should be grounds for immediate divorce with her being awarded all shared assets.

[cicy33]

I agree, when I posted in response to it was in the hopes that the poster would see that it is an unending circle. I hope they work it out.

[neatdesign]

I agree, when I posted in response to it was in the hopes that the poster would see that it is an unending circle. I hope they work it out.

That was exactly my point when I posted my comments above. Stress causes overspending which causes stress which causes overspending, ad nauseum. Around and around they go.

To me, she's not being unreasonable for asking him to abide by the budget that he's already agreed to. Unfortunately for her, he apparently feels entitled to put his own needs/feelings ahead of hers, solely because he's the sole breadwinner -- another arrangement he agreed to.

[gridfel]

This forum is a bit scary. I understand that everyone is trying to help, but for people to say that my wife and I have to get divorced because we have a disagreement about hobby money is making an awful lot of assumptions. I admit that this is a big problem that we need to resolve, but having been married 17 years I hardly think that this one issue is going to be grounds for divorce.

I tried to give a basic budget and I know that people want more detail, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable giving more considering the tangents that people have gone off on so far. I know people are trying to help, but the question was about hobbies and not divorce.

I think this is one time where it's better for my wife and I to work out something rather than let others do it for us.

I do thank everyone for giving their opinions.

[Seeker]

This forum is a bit scary. I understand that everyone is trying to help, but for people to say that my wife and I have to get divorced because we have a disagreement about hobby money is making an awful lot of assumptions. I admit that this is a big problem that we need to resolve, but having been married 17 years I hardly think that this one issue is going to be grounds for divorce.

I tried to give a basic budget and I know that people want more detail, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable giving more considering the tangents that people have gone off on so far. I know people are trying to help, but the question was about hobbies and not divorce.

I think this is one time where it's better for my wife and I to work out something rather than let others do it for us.

I do thank everyone for giving their opinions.

Gridfel, forums are scary.

We see an arguement and two people whom are not being flexible in trying to meet the team/partnership of financial well-being. Your wife "sent you here" ; which means that she's frustrated. You too are frustrated.

The tangents in converstantion occur because you do not provide the info we ask for.

A complete budget would show where the money (income) is going. Withough that info, we cannot really tell what price the whole complete family pays when you go over your budget amount for golf.

The fact is that you agreed to certain things:
1) Marry a person whom will not work.
2) her budget.

When things changed (when your salary become less), the budget needed to readjust. Can you golf be budget for higher? We cannot know if you do not provide details.

Without a complete budget, only the two of you can determine what to do. We are useless without knowing the financial picture of you and your wife.

[disneysteve]

My wife sent me to these forums because she thinks that I spend too much money on my hobby and it is always ruining our budget.

Isn't stress relief a legitimate reason to spend money?

This is pretty much all the information you gave us when asking us "Why can't my wife understand?"

The tangents in converstantion occur because you do not provide the info we ask for.

Without a complete budget, only the two of you can determine what to do. We are useless without knowing the financial picture of you and your wife.

Seeker is absolutely right. There are a lot of people here who, IMO, are just as good as any professional financial adviser but without actual numbers, it is impossible for anyone to answer your question.

Imagine that you went to a Certified Financial Planner and asked him if you were saving enough for retirement. However, you refused to tell him your annual income, your monthly expenses or how much you currently had saved. He couldn't even begin to assess if you are adequately saving.

The same situation exists in this thread. You asked a question but have provided none of the information that we would need to actually offer any help in correcting the situation. I understand the reluctance to share personal financial info on a public forum but keep in mind that we are all anonymous. We don't know who you are, where you are or anything about you.

Human nature being what it is, when a poster seems to be avoiding the questions, folks start theorizing what might really be going on. Assumptions get made, some or all of which might be false. The only way to avoid that is to provide good and complete information from the start. If you are willing to start fresh and list your full budget, I'm sure folks here will be willing to help run through the numbers with you.

[tripods68]

Gridfel,

Your wife didn't put a gun in your head to come here. You are the one that asked for our opinion without putting out “real” substantive numbers on both sides. So people were left wondering and speculating however absurd they maybe to you. People by nature are curious human being. But they are still just opinion nonetheless.