Why can't my wife understand?

[tomer]

I totally understand you. But it is hard for your wife to understand it because she does not work in the same job as you do.

[Broken Arrow]

Gridfel, I'm sorry that you feel the need to defend yourself here.... It's true you're getting dog-piled on here, but the people here aren't necessarily against you. No one here benefits in any way for agreeing or disagreeing with you. Rather, we the online 3rd party of a particular mindset believe that there is a better strategy that will ultimately improve your life (even if it may require some up-front sacrifice at first).

So, if you feel defensive, that's understandable. However, I hope you can look past the dog-piling and perhaps communicate with your wife and work out some kind of compromise.

[kork13]

Knowing that it's golf, another option for you...

$300/mo for 4 rounds (weekends) of golf? I've lived around alot of courses, and $75 for a round of greens fees sounds very high--I've never seen green fees higher than about $40... Normally around $25-$30. Are you golfing at one of the more upscale courses? If so, there must surely be other courses in your area that cost less. Look around and I'm sure you'll find other courses, they tend to bunch together -- in an area where there's one, there's probably at least 2 or 3 (often more).

Also, as Steve suggested, a bucket of balls only costs $5-$10, and gives you a fair hour or so to wind down on the weekends.

[cschin4]

There is nothing wrong with your hobby of wanting to golf one day a week. But, why does your wife seem to resent it? And, why is it costing so much to golf one day a week? Do you belong to an overpriced country club and then spend time eating and drinking there and shopping at the pro shop?
If so, then you may need to take a more reasonable approach. There are many golf course all over from public to Par 3 where you can indulge your hobby. Or, if you are spending too much eating and drinking there, then you can meet your wife somewhere for dinner at a cheaper place and stop forking over money for overpriced stuff like that.
So, instead of being defensive, try to take a step back and see it from your wife's point of view. Most wives have no problem with their husbands having and enjoying hobbies. I think if you would soften your approach and listen to what she is saying to you, you might be able to come to some agreement that suits you both.

[Salmon Runner]

I really have to agree with you gridfel. In harsh economic times, we do have to keep ourselves sane. For her not to understand the need for you to unwind every weekend is somewhat unfair. But, for you to be going over your monthly budget is unfair to her too.
How would you feel if she over spent just as much or even more than you on the monthly basis? Would you guys have enough food on the table, make housing/car payments, insurance, bills? Married life is hard, but sometimes compromise is the way. There's always different views in a relationship but you need to find the balance between your feelings and hers.

It's really not your fault, and its really not her fault. It's how you guys compromise and deal with it.

[cantretire]

A hobby is an extra, a luxury. It comes AFTER savings, bills, retirement savings. If there is $ left over, then it can be considered. It doesn't sound like you can afford the hobby. I love antiques, but I lost my job so I certainly can't afford to buy anything. I may even have to save some treasured items I already have. In the meantime, I walk, read, surf the 'net, spend inexpensive and free time with family and friends to relieve stress.

You have to sit down with your wife, work out your budget and decide on hobbies you can afford.

Hobbies DO NOT have to cost ANY money at all.

[disneysteve]

The question that remains for me is, "Can you afford it?"

I think this is really the bottom line. This thread isn't about debating the virtues of golf. Your wife feels your golf spending is wrecking the household budget. You feel it isn't. You can't both be right. Either the money is there or it isn't. The two of you need to sit down together and review your finances and see who is right and come to a mutually agreeable decision from there.

[m3racer]

I don't think you should have to give up golf. Too many people on this forum just don't understand your situation. The more important question people haven't asked is, "what is your handicap?" If it's more than 28 than stop now!

[swanson719]

Golfing is fine. Enjoy golf. Go golfing every weekend. But make sure you can afford it, and your marriage is in great shape first. Right now your golfing habbit is causing a problem financially and maritally. So you have to decide which is more important to you - marriage or golf? Fix the marriage first, come to a compromise, like going golfing once a month when you send the wife to the spa.

I don't care if you make the money. Steve makes 90% of his household income, but he's one of the most vocal people on here about taking care of your family first, regardless of who makes what.

There have been times that I was the only income earner in my family. We made ends meet, but we didn't go out to eat, we didn't do our hobbies, we didn't do anything other than enjoy time together when we weren't working because we didn't have the money to do anything else.

I love my job most of the time, but when it gets stressful, I go outside and work on my yard. It gets expensive sometimes too - a bag of grass seed is $20, and a gallon of industrial weed killer is $70. But when we didn't have the spare change, there were dandelions all through my yard and our mulch was 3 years old. The point is, you do your hobby as your budget, and therefore your family, allows for it.

The idea that you'll lose your job if you don't go golfing is ludicrous. Stress relief can be found in many ways. Go to the gym. Spend time with your wife. Play golf on a Wii with your wife. You can even go to Best Buy and get one of those nifty golf clubs that sticks on the end of the Wii controller for each of you. Then your couple hundred bucks a month would be on a Wii and clubs for the Wii, that you can play at home with your wife. You get to play golf, and spend time at home with your wife. And after the first month, it's free.

If you absolutely have to go golfing, take your own lunch and don't drink while you golf. Clubhouse food and beer is quite expensive, so just cutting out that can lower your cost considerably. Walk instead of renting a golf cart. You might not want to golf as much then. Don't buy new clubs unless yours physically break, and don't break them just to buy new ones. You can pay 4 days worth of green fees for $200 at most if reasonable. We're not talking Palm Springs or Sawgrass here.

[ActYourWage]

Knowing that it's golf, another option for you...

$300/mo for 4 rounds (weekends) of golf? I've lived around alot of courses, and $75 for a round of greens fees sounds very high--I've never seen green fees higher than about $40... Normally around $25-$30. Are you golfing at one of the more upscale courses? If so, there must surely be other courses in your area that cost less. Look around and I'm sure you'll find other courses, they tend to bunch together -- in an area where there's one, there's probably at least 2 or 3 (often more).

Also, as Steve suggested, a bucket of balls only costs $5-$10, and gives you a fair hour or so to wind down on the weekends.

They are high if you golf at the 'nice' courses. There are places around here that run around $120 to $8(walking 9) a round. Golf is very expensive when you factor in all the equipment (clubs, balls, shoes, cart rental, green fees, driving range balls, etc.) It does add up quickly.

[Seeker]

I feel that I need to defend myself here.

The hobby is golf. I used to play on Saturday and Sunday each week, but I have already cut it back and now only play once on the weekends.

The reason I feel entitled is because I earn the money. I work at a job that pays well, but which I really don't enjoy because there aren't any other jobs that I can get in this economy that will pay that much. I have told my wife that I wouldn't need to play as much golf if I can get a job I enjoy more, but she refuses to entertain that idea unless I earn as much as I am currently.

Woah.. a whole bunch of innuendo here. From both sides.

She won't let you get a job you'd enjoy for fear of it being a lesser paying job, and you're spending money to avoid stress (of course putting more stress on wife) and you're also avoiding your wife ("her harping on me" in your OP)

I'm fairly certain that you really do not know where the money goes in this budget that you agreed to. Do you?

Her even sending you here to talk with us speaks loudly of her frustration.

Let me ask you this: Do you want to stay married?

Because if I were she and my DH has said he'd stay within budget, but sometimes did not (ie. he betrayed that agreement), and he were feeling so entitled and not budging without even willing to sit and talk it through with me and look at the numbers and why it's not working (the budget that is), then to me, your actions are telling me that you do not care about me or the budget or the stress I'd be feeling at trying to make everything work.

So which is more important to you?

[gridfel]

I think the thing that bothers me most and why I feel that I deserve to play my golf is my wife wants us to stick to a strict budget, but then is not willing to go out and work herself to bring in some extra money.

I know that going outside the budget is wrong, but at the same time resent that she is not willing to help out with earning money. So while I do have my excuses that may not be valid, she also has them.

[disneysteve]

I think the thing that bothers me most and why I feel that I deserve to play my golf is my wife wants us to stick to a strict budget, but then is not willing to go out and work herself to bring in some extra money.

I know that going outside the budget is wrong, but at the same time resent that she is not willing to help out with earning money. So while I do have my excuses that may not be valid, she also has them.

Ah! Now we're getting somewhere. So you earn all the money. She earns none and she resents you spending some of it to blow off steam. Is she physically disabled or have some other reason (small kids at home, etc.) why she isn't able to work? If not, then that changes the story significantly.

The fact remains, probably, that you are overspending on golf given your current financial situation. You probably do need to reduce the golf spending at least temporarily. Once she is working and your household income rises, you can take another look at the golf situation.

If she continues to refuse to work, you need to seriously re-evaluate your whole relationship. How long have you guys been married? Was she previously working?

[Inkstain82]

I think the thing that bothers me most and why I feel that I deserve to play my golf is my wife wants us to stick to a strict budget, but then is not willing to go out and work herself to bring in some extra money.

I know that going outside the budget is wrong, but at the same time resent that she is not willing to help out with earning money. So while I do have my excuses that may not be valid, she also has them.

Then we have the answer to your original question: She doesn't understand because you guys aren't remotely close to the same page financially.

[EEinNJ]

It could be worse, you could have a boat! On the other hand, maybe your spouse would join you and she wouldn't complain.

Like Inkstain wrote, if you're the breadwinner and she doesn't work, it's no surprise she doesn't understand. Since she doesn't earn, trying to enforce a budget may be a way for her to feel some power and control over money. When it comes to hobbies, though, in my experience when the wife complains it's really about where your attention goes. Money is just the symptom.