I Can't Afford Another Baby. Help!!

[DebbieL]

I should have mentioned that my nephew who my parents took in at 13 is an absolute delight. He is so funny! They have had him for his full teenage years (he's 19), and he has yet to give them a moment's grief. I wish I could say the same for my own 16 year old daughter, lol (she's not a bad kid or anything, just a typical lippy teen at times). My nephew is the politest kid of that age I've ever known, and so funny that he will have you rolling on the floor laughing.

My nephew came from an unfortunate background (my brother is severely bipolar and goes insane on a regular basis). My nephew did not get the best start in life, yet he has always been a wonderful kid. I would have taken him in myself if I didn't have such loving parents who were glad to do so. They also had his older brother live with them for a couple years before that with no real problem.

I guess this is a decision that each person must make from their heart, but I can tell you that I know of many grandparents currently raising a grandchild (or grandchildren) who are very happy with these kids (although, obviously not happy that their own child has issues and is unable to provide a good home). It keeps you young, that's for sure!

[GREENBACK]

One must have an IQ greater than my coffee table?

Unfortunately these are the ones having the most children.

[mdcrim]

I would only do it if you could guarantee that neither of the parents would have any rights to him in the future. Even then, good luck-it's a really tough spot to be in. How old is the kid?

[Goldy1]

It's more than money but time and emotional commitment. I wish you the best.

[blankcheck]

This sounds like a tremendous burden and blessing at the same time.

The only thing I don't see addressed so far is: what of the parents? I know what their current situation is; you've made that clear. What I'm talking about is their future contact with you. Are you prepared to cut all ties with your stepson? Is your wife willing to cut ties with her son? I don't say that lightly; let the parents find their way to reformation on their own. Do not be their crutch. If you are caring for the grandchild, you are caring for that child and ONLY that child. You are not officers, and you are not drug counselors. Adults make their decisions. When the stepson (and his girlfriend, or them separately, whatever combination thereof because it's almost always a hodgepodge of relationships) come knocking, then demand hard evidence of restoration or get off the property. Make the right to raise this child your sole responsibility as a couple, and slam shut the door for any chance that he changes his mind (...to get the gov't assistance to do more bad things, etc).

My apologies if I sound jaded because I try to remain upbeat, but this is something that really does get me steamed.

[srblanco7]

If you can't commit to raising the child, then adoption sounds like it might be a good route...

If you do commit, what happens when the father gets out of prison or the mother gets through rehab. At that point, do they have the ability to request (or legally petition) to have their child returned to them. If you are willing to commit - do you petition for adoption?

It's a very difficult decision, and I hope you can find the right balance between what's best for you and your wife and what's best for the child.

[rob62521]

I don't have any advice because I don't know what I would do in your situation. Please know you and your wife and this baby are in many thoughts and prayers at this point...you sound like a person who is seeking to do the right thing, whatever that might be.

[disneysteve]

The issue of what happens later is a very real one. We have good friends who are raising their grandson. They have custody, but they've said that you never really, truly have 100% legal custody. The birth parents can always petition to take the child back. They may or may not win, but you still have to go through the whole process, spend a fortune on lawyers and be emotionally torn apart, even if you get to keep the kid in the end.

[KTP]

A serious criminal offense that puts you in jail for years while you have a kid should invoke some sort of law that says you no longer have any rights or say over the child. I know our courts bend over backwards to force kids back to the obviously wise control of their birth parents, but I disagree with this.

Funny you have to be 21 to drink, 18 to vote, have a license to drive, but you can have a kid at 15...

[disneysteve]

you can have a kid at 15...

The youngest mother we delivered when I was an intern/resident was 12.

[TBH]

Wow, what a heartbreaking situation.

I know what I would do if I were you--I'd insist on total permanent custody, i.e. adoption, and I'd take that baby and love the heck out of it, finances be damned. I would be horribly anxious and stressed out about how I was going to make it work, as I think you are, but to me it would be worth if I got to be with my grandchild.

[pearlieq]

I know what I would do if I were you--I'd insist on total permanent custody, i.e. adoption, and I'd take that baby and love the heck out of it, finances be damned.

I agree. Maybe the rational response would be to not get involved, but if I had any capacity at all, I just couldn't leave a family member to "the system" and wash my hands of it.

Family is what it's all about. All the money in the world doesn't mean anything if you don't have family, love, and compassion. What's the point of any of this without those? Life is messy and complicated--and wonderful.

Kids don't have to cost a lot. I'm sure you pick up most of what the child needs secondhand. There might be state assistance available to help with daycare costs.

Put the word out to family, friends, and your church that you are adding to the family--you'll be surprised at how generous people are. Contact your local Family Services to find out what support options there are. Cruise Goodwill for cute toddler clothes. Enjoy your grandchild and make the very best you can out of the situation.

[cschin4]

So here we are in debt, over 40, with no savings whatsoever and getting ready to bring in a 18 month old baby who needs diapers, daycare, car seats, baby powder and who knows what other expenses. Please forgive me if I don't sound excited or happy but, this not something that I expected or planned to do at 43 years old.


OP - I have seen many other people in your situation. Of course, this is now what you had planned. But, may I suggest that the real purpose of life is take whatever is set before one and put on one's plate and then to take it on?
Case in point. My dear neighbor's daughter went wild and ended up on drugs and in prison. SHe is currently in prison. During her out of jail times, she managed to give birth to 3 children (boys). The grandparents COULD have say "no way" and allowed these children to go to Foster care. And, by the time the third child came, they were both nearing retirement (50's) and the third child did go into foster care. However, they did just accept the challenge before them and took in the 2 boys who now live with them. For the third child, there was abuse in the foster home and they realized they could not stand by and allow this child to experience and now he lives with them as well. (He was in foster care for a few months).
Anyway, this was a difficult adjustment. HOwever, they did adjust and now they have a full and busy life with these boys. They COULD have even accepted responsibility and choose to be resentful, but they did not. They just accepted that this is the way it is and determined to take good care of these boys. Thank GOd for them as the brothers at least get to be raised together.
Also, another friend's daughter was an unfit mother and she is raising her 2 boys. At first, my friend said she was deeply resentful as it affected her plans and her retirement. HOwever, she then realized that these children need her, need a home and now has become their biggest fan and supporter as she takes the kids to their wrestling matches, etc. And, is there really anything MORE important that we could do in this world?
So, I say this not to guilt you into doing this. But to realize our lives take twists and turns we don't expect. We can take the challenge on with zest and purpose or not. I am not saying what is right for you. Perhaps you simply cannot this on. But, I encourage you to think about this in a different way.
I really found true happiness in my life when I realized that the purpose of my life was to take on whatever was set before me and to do it well whether it be exactly what i want or not.

[ladydii]

re: difficult decision

Take a few days and think about this difficult decision. I am Canadian and what is provided is probably different, but here you would be paid a reasonable stipend for doing what is called kinship care. I also would be concerned that the biological parents should terminate their parental rights. It would be tragic to devote time and love to this little guy and then see one of the dysfunctional parents swoop in to mess him up some more. I am a foster parent and have had experience with both babies from drug-addicted mothers and ones with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. The 'drug babies' have fewer long term effects than those whose mothers chose to drink. I know what I would do in the same situation but you must be committed heart and soul to undertake this responsibility. The financial aspect is minimal, help is available and kids really don't need a whole lot of 'things' but they do deserve a whole lot of love and attention. Good luck with your decision as a couple.
Dianne

[LivingAlmostLarge]

It depends. Why? Your stepson and his girlfriend need to give up complete custody and you need to adopt the child before you do this.

One my mom's closest friends took in her grandson as her daughter wound up pregnant and in trouble. She had him for 8 years, pretty much from birth. Problem? Her daughter got more straightened out and wanted him.

So she took him away. Then she couldn't take the responsibility and dumped him back on the grandparents when he was crying so much about being taken back and not knowing her. Then she tried again. It's not been an easy situation.

So I would not raise my grandchild unless it was permanent. Harsh, but reality is, do you really want to trust your stepson and girlfriend ever again?