I Can't Afford Another Baby. Help!!

[LivingAlmostLarge]

BTDT, you are preaching to a choir! LOL. You don't even know it. My mom was a social worker for 30+ years. My great grandmother is 100 year olds and until 4 years ago lived with my grandmother, then her second youngest daugther who was 75! They only placed her in a facility because well it was tough to care for a 99 year old woman when you are 75 already!

My grandmother and grandfather have lived in our second home since I was 11 and my mom remarried. My mom has bought them cars, paid for help cleaning, etc.

I send my grandmother money, gift certificates, stuff all the frigging time. I've paid for plane tickets to visit, etc. Sense of family? Give me a break. My grandmother makes by the way $800/month from SS and a small pension. Her kids pay for everything and always have. My grandmother wants to live with my mom out of four kids but my mom is caring for my "dad" who is 21 years old and almost 80. So it's tough right now unless they get a handicapped accessible home, which my mom is looking at converting our home. Speaking to an architect as I write this.

Please, don't even tell me about caring for those in nursing homes. My great-great grandmother lived with my great-grandmother until the last 25 days of her life. She died at 92. I've BTDT. My dad's mom lived with his brother until death. My aunt and uncle have had their spouse's parents live with them till death.

I don't think it's a reason to have kids. Have kids because you want to. Not because you want someone to care for you in your old age. It's selfish to want otherwise.

And my DH is on the end of the stick of selfish parents wanting him to care for them. I will end up divorced and he'll be alone if his mom keeps pushing. Parents need to let go and live their own damn lives.

Why do people save for retirement? To not be a burden on their children. So their kids don't have to help pay for caregiving, cars, insurance, medications, etc.

There is a huge difference between having kids to have someone care for you, and having children because you want to and expecting nothing. Perhaps my family does because they don't expect anyone to be there. It's a nice gesture.

Expectations of being cared for chase away any sentiment.

[thekid]

Holy moly LivingAlmostLarge, that's quite some longevity genes you got there!

[mnpqrd]

I don't think it's a reason to have kids. Have kids because you want to. Not because you want someone to care for you in your old age. It's selfish to want otherwise.

Why do people save for retirement? To not be a burden on their children. So their kids don't have to help pay for caregiving, cars, insurance, medications, etc.

There is a huge difference between having kids to have someone care for you, and having children because you want to and expecting nothing.

I agree with what you said here. One summer I volunteered in a nursing home and I noticed that many have pictures of their children and grandchildren but rarely seen them. Some of them told me that their children have their own families to take care of and some live far away so they were alone just like those who have no children.

[thekid]

I agree with what you said here. One summer I volunteered in a nursing home and I noticed that many have pictures of their children and grandchildren but rarely seen them. Some of them told me that their children have their own families to take care of and some live far away so they were alone just like those who have no children.

My fiance's grandmother was in a nursing home, fairly close to where we live. She'd visit her about twice a week and I'd go along fairly often.

Those place are among the most depressing things I've ever seen. Rarely are there any visitors. It looks like a parking lot of depressed older people, sitting in chairs, looking blankly in front of them.

And this was a new state owned home, very nice and modern.

[me in socal]

They asked us questions for over two hours. We were asked questions like:

* What is our philosophy about child rearing?
* How do we handle correcting our children when they do something wrong?
* Have we ever spanked our children and how often?
* How much did you earn last year?

Wow, if only they would require everyone to answer those questions BEFORE having children. Alas, that is not the case.

I agree that you should accept the challenge presented to you of caring for this baby. Perhaps you can get in touch with his mother and see if you can adopt him outright. From everything that I've heard about foster care, it's just not worth letting a relative suffer that system.

If you google I'm sure you can find people are willing to help by donating carseats, clothes, toys, etc. mamasource.com is a good online community that might help you find daycare options or with general questions.

Children can be safely raised vegan as well. Research it well online for more info. Good luck to you and your family!

[disneysteve]

I just want to comment on one thing. A couple of posters have mentioned getting a carseat from craigslist or donation. Please do not do this. A carseat is one thing that should ALWAYS be purchased brand new. It is simply far too important an item to risk taking a chance on. A carseat could have been involved in an accident and look absolutely fine but not be safe to use and there is no way to know that. You should also replace any carseat after an accident whether it looks damaged or not. So please buy your carseat new. They aren't that expensive and the baby's life isn't where you want to skimp.

[johninsurance]

sorry man that sucks

[Taribor]

My advice? Just say NO!

It isn't your responsibility to correct your adult son's mistakes. You shouldn't have to ruin your life because he has chosen to ruin his. I have a lot of patients who are raising grandchildren in similar circumstances and the toll it takes on them is terrible. Let the state worry about it. They can put the kid in foster care. Let the father know that you aren't going to bail him out this time.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've got zero patience for people like this.

Just my humble opinion.

That is a pathetic response, Steve.

Too bad if raising a grandchild "ruins your life"...it is family and this isn't about "bailing" out the stepson, it is about saving a life.

Just my personal opinion, but it is family and there is a baby involved; you do what you need to do to give this kid a chance at life.

This isn't t.v.; no middle class family is going to take this baby and raise some super star; more likely the kid will grow up in a bad environment and never have a chance.

Some of you are way to cheap on this forum when it comes to the important things.

[maat55]

That is a pathetic response, Steve.

Too bad if raising a grandchild "ruins your life"...it is family and this isn't about "bailing" out the stepson, it is about saving a life.

Just my personal opinion, but it is family and there is a baby involved; you do what you need to do to give this kid a chance at life.

This isn't t.v.; no middle class family is going to take this baby and raise some super star; more likely the kid will grow up in a bad environment and never have a chance.

Some of you are way to cheap on this forum when it comes to the important things.

You assume a lot, the child is young enough that he could likely be adopted to a loving couple that want and can afford him. Any further association with the bio parents is likely harmful to the child. Complete separation from the family would be ideal, IMO.

[cschin4]

In life we all arrive at a crossroad. You can go left or you can go right. The choice you make may be irretrievable and have long term consequences. The child technically is "not your problem". However, if you cannot commit to the welfare of this child and deal with the child in a loving way and not burdening the child even further with resentment, then perhaps the child needs to go elsewhere.
As I get older, I am beginning to see however that the really important things in life is to do the important things in life. That my job, career, how much money I have or don't have, etc really means very little. And, that all that matters is how much of myself I have invested in other human beings.
I really don't know where our generation got the notion that we deserve some problem free, uncomplicated life. People say "why me" but perhaps instead we should say "why not me"?
OP - Nobody can really advice you on what is best. You could raise this child for a time and then the parents could come back and not even mutter a "thank you" and move and you might never see the child again. Who knows?
And, when I was younger, my sister and and BIL put us down for guardians in case something would happen to them to care for their children. I remember thinking that would be an impossible situation if it were to happen. But, now I know that I would absolutely have to do so if the event arose. I think we have lost our sense of duty and moral obligation to one another and unfortunately I think we are worse off for having done so.

[raymond723]

Smoking and Obesity Accelerate Ageing Process

　Obesity and smoking are important risk factors for many age-related diseases. Tim Spector (St. Thomas' Hospital, UK) and colleagues in the USA looked for evidence of ageing at a molecular level in smokers and obese individuals. They analysed telomeres, which cap the ends of the chromosomes in our cells and protect them from damage. Every time a cell divides, and as people age, their telomeres get shorter.

　　The investigators recruited 1122 women from the UK aged 18-76 years onto the study. 119 of the women were obese, with a body mass index (BMI) greater than 30, and 85 women had a BMI under 20. 531 women had never smoked, 369 were ex-smokers, and 203 were current smokers.

　　The participants were asked to complete a questionnaire on smoking history. Their exposure to smoking was measured as pack-years (number of cigarette packs smoked per day_number of years smoking).

　　The investigators measured the concentrations of a body fat regulator called leptin and telomere length in blood samples from the women. They found that telomere length decreased steadily with age and the telomeres of obese women and smokers were much shorter that those of lean women and never-smokers.

　　Lean individuals had significantly longer telomeres than women with midrange BMIs, who, in turn, had longer telomeres than obese individuals. Each pack-year smoked was equivalent to a loss of an additional 18% on top of the average annual shortening of telomeres.

　　Professor Spector states: “Our findings suggest that obesity and cigarette smoking accelerate human ageing. . . the difference in telomere length between being lean and being obese corresponds to 8??8 years of ageing; smoking (previous or current) corresponds on average to 4??6 years of ageing; and smoking a pack per day for 40 years corresponds to 7??4 years of ageing. Our results emphasise the potential wide-ranging effects of the two most important preventable exposures in developed countries- cigarettes and obesity.”

[kilcher]

I would only do it if you could guarantee that neither of the parents would have any rights to him in the future.

I agree 100%.

[mom-from-missouri]

This is your wifes (and yours) grandchild. It is family. For that child to get bounced around in the system will increasee the chance he turns out like your stepson--no security, no constant love.

Friends of mine recently in the same situation got the wifes sisters children from Florida. Florida family services transferred them to Missouri family services. They had to take foster parenting classes, and are now "foster parents to their neice and nephew" for "25-life". As a result, they do get paid by the state to be foster parents. That will help offset some of the expenses.
Check into it.
Also, think how that child will feel when he is older--will he be grateful you took him in? Or angry that you did not and didn't love him enough.
The baby didn't create this situation. He is a victim of it.
I am speaking as a former foster parent myself.

[mom-from-missouri]

One more thing I want to add......I was 40 when my twins were born. I have 3 friends who had kids at 47 and 48.
Our kids range from 22 to 10. My ss from my first marriage is in his 30's and I still consider him to be one of mine--he is closer to me his former stepmom than he is to his dad or real mom.
I have 7 friends who have grandkids older than their youngest. If I had another baby now I would be delighted--I guess for me age isn't the factor. (unless were were Abraham and Sarahs age)

[financialnut]

Wow... great thread. You're truly in a tough position, my friend. Good luck with everything. You'll get plenty of help in these forums; I can guarantee it.