I Can't Afford Another Baby. Help!!

[blankcheck]

The youngest mother we delivered when I was an intern/resident was 12.

I didn't have any deliveries that young as a med student, but these situations are all too common.

Delivery Room occupants:
-Attending (briefly)
-Nurse
-Mom (of course )
-Resident
-Med Student
-current boyfriend
-Baby's daddy

Waiting room occupants:
-Baby's daddy parents (to force him to contribute somehow)
OR
-Police waiting for mom AND/OR baby's daddy AND/OR current boyfriend because they are in police custody.

Now I just get the psychiatry consults for capacity to leave against medical advice if there's a fistfight involving the mom after delivery.

I wish I were making this up.

[lmclanahan]

Wow. I realize that raising a grandchild unexpectedly would cause a lot of strain, not just financially but emotionally, etc. However, I cannot imagine ANYONE sending an innocent baby into the foster care system if it wasn't absolutely necessary!! Over 70% of the people in prison are former foster children. There ARE awesome foster parents. They are not the norm, though. It is a horrid way to grow up, and if there is a relative available, it is almost always the best option.
I am shocked by some of your responses. This is NOT about the parents mistakes. This child is innocent of ALL of that. Why make them suffer just because you think this might be hard?????
Um, life is hard!!! I can't even imagine CONSIDERING not taking this child in. I mean, he's a baby, none of this is his fault, why punish HIM?
Now, I would definitely make sure that you retain full custody, even if the child's parents later want him back. This child has already spent 18 months with a criminal and a drug addict. He needs a long-term home that is stable, not to be bounced around and grow up insecure.
Adoption would also be a good option, if it is available.
I am still shocked. I have read this forum for years, and yet never expected this kind of response from some of you.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

lmclanahan, what % of the population goes to jail? What percentage of population is in foster care? Is it the same? No. Thus not everyone in foster care goes to jail. It's not a direct result of foster care. One Third of Kids in Care end up in prison

In Canada it's 1/3 of the kids in foster care go to jail, so 2/3 become normal citizens. A better result would be to ask, how many people in jail had parents in jail?

And further more, how do you know that the children in foster care aren't better off than with a drug addict/criminal parent? How can you say it was foster care that hurts children? Maybe the hurt happened before because even getting children into foster care in the US is RIDICULOUS.

There are so many unfit parents it's not even funny. But in the US biology rules over "fitness" of parents. Yeah I can say that because my mom and I volunteered growing up a women's shelter. How many of those women had trouble even leaving an abusive relationship because the courts said they didn't have enough proof of abuse of the children, just the wife?

Foster care isn't the problem. The problem is our society.

[lmclanahan]

I agree that much of the damage may be from the parenting (or lack thereof!) that led to the foster care anyway. Many of these children have lived a rough life.
If there is a relative who can care for the child safely, then that still seems like the best solution. Noone cares for a child as a *loving* relative does. I cannot imagine how the child would feel later if they found out that their grandmother could have cared for them, but her husband was concerned about the money, primarily. Especially if his life continued on as it has been going.

I mean, we are on a financial board. Some of the posters are die-hard home economists, with EFs to die for. They have their future planned out, and they are ahead of the game. There is nothing wrong with controlling your money, instead of it controlling you. There *is*, however, a problem when controlling money becomes too big. If someone truly has not one extra dollar for a child, if they are so destitute that they cannot even care for themselves, then I can understand saying that they *cannot afford another child.* However, that does not seem to be the case here. This is not the typical question of Can we afford to have a baby?" This baby already exists, and is in need. His closest relatives (parents) are apparently incapable or unwilling to care for him. His grandmother is next in line, and has a decision to make. On this board, it seems we almost always put finances first. In this case, I think we need to put the basic needs of the child first. Presumably, the poster has a home. I would guess that they have a few tablespoons of food leftover at meals, which is all a child that age eats. Clothes can be found on freecycle. Car seats can be found on freecycle. A port-a-crib and stroller can also be found on freecycle. Friends or co-workers probably have tons of this stuff in their attics/garages, and would be willing to help. Baby powder is rarely used anymore. :-) Food stamps or WIC are available if you are raising grandchildren, at least in my state. Health insurance is available through most states in this situation also. Daycare may be provided in some instances through POC. Social services may be able to refer you to even more resources. Diapers will not be an expense too much longer. Why not have a *welcome the baby* shower? Let your relatives and friends meet him, and bring diapers or giftcards as gifts! I have heard of others doing this. It sounds like you are good people. That means others see it too. People help good, sincere people. Let people help!
Call your local church, even if you are not a member. Many times, they will help if you explain the situation. You may even find an older woman or couple who will volunteer to babysit to help keep daycare costs down.
I was thinking of this situation today, after writing my first post.

If the poster indeed decides not to care for the child permanently, maybe they could help temporarily until parental rights are terminated, and an adoptive family is found.
I am 100% for adoption. I would support any good foster parent. I know several. The main problem seems to be that parental rights are not terminated, and then the child, for whatever reason, does not *stay* in one foster home for the long term. I think that the average is four before age 18.
Without continuity of care, the child develops difficulty making healthy attachments, which can lead to the desire for unhealthy attachments such as gangs, drugs, and promiscuous sex. It would be horrible if this child was denied a safe home with loving grandparents simply due to finances.
You may be able to change his life forever.

Lea

[brianj]

First, I'd like to thank everyone for your comments and advice. Many of your comments have helped ease our concerns and fears regarding our ability to afford the additional responsibility.

Last Friday my wife was contacted by the Social Services Department here in Wayne County on behave of West Virginia Social Services. They wanted to arrange an in-home interview with us regarding the foster care of the baby. When my wife asked them why we could not simply get the baby, she was told that the baby has become a ward of the state and that we would need to go through the proper approval process of becoming licensed foster parents to become his legal guardians. When we asked about any assistance that they could give us with daycare, etc. we were told that some "minor" assistance could be given but, only after an extended period due to cuts in federal assistant programs. Additionally, once his mother is out of drug rehab she would have all rights to come see him and eventually regain custody. I understand that these laws are created to protect children but, it has also increases my concerns of the mother coming to our home and causing some kind of disturbance by yelling and cursing for custody of her son.

In the meantime, my wife and I have started investigating the costs of local daycare services. The least expensive daycare facility that we were able to find so far is in the home of a woman who charges $170. per week!! 13 years ago we paid that much for both our sons.

Any additional advice would be greatly appreciated.

[inneedofhelp]

I am sorry to hear of the troubles you are going through. It is amazing to see the differences between states and counties....I will say that $170 per week is pretty cheap...in my city, people pay as much as $1,000 per month for childcare...especially if the child is a baby or toddler! Some families find it cheaper for the mom to not work than to pay for daycare.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I agree $170 seems reasonable. How old are your other children? Could they help? Can you work different shifts?

I hate the fact that your grandson's mother can get back into the picture. It would make me really upset about taking him in because what will he end up going back to?

[inneedofhelp]

I agree $170 seems reasonable. How old are your other children? Could they help? Can you work different shifts?

I hate the fact that your grandson's mother can get back into the picture. It would make me really upset about taking him in because what will he end up going back to?

Well, I think that drama is definitely possible when taking in the children of relatives, but I think it is better to deal with that sort of drama, than letting the child go into foster care.

But, that is just my 2 cents.

[DebbieL]

My DH was in foster care (here in Canada) before being adopted (he was 5 when adopted). He was abused HORRIBLY in a couple of the homes. All the kids I went to school with that were in the foster care system had horror stories. Every single one of them. I'm not saying there aren't good foster parents out there, but it would be over my dead body before a loved one of mine would be sent into that system.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Please check your personal messages on this website if the message I sent you does not get forwarded to your email.

[rennigade]

My DH was in foster care (here in Canada) before being adopted (he was 5 when adopted). He was abused HORRIBLY in a couple of the homes. All the kids I went to school with that were in the foster care system had horror stories. Every single one of them. I'm not saying there aren't good foster parents out there, but it would be over my dead body before a loved one of mine would be sent into that system.

Who ever said the baby was a loved one? So to all your crack head future moms and deadbeat dads...have as many kids as you want and make your parents take care of them. Apparently that's the OK thing to do in this situation.

Thats right...for all your 40+ year olds, you don't deserve to have any free time to yourself. It's not like you worked hard your entire life to retire and enjoy the things you want to do. Instead raise a baby you don't want. Ruin your life for your kids dumb mistakes, its all good.

Seriously...don't adopt the baby. You're 40 now...you'll be around 60 when the kids outta the house. Are you kidding me!? I can't believe how many sap's are on this thread.

Oh and for the record...I'm PRO ABORTION!! I bet you would have never guessed.

[Saving in So Cal]

In California, social workers strive to place a dependent child with relatives to preserve family and cultural ties. Grandparents get high placement priority assuming they qualify as foster parents. They are usually compensated in the same manner as other foster parents, although the amount would not cover typical daycare expenses. However, the child may qualify for a headstart program or other subsidized daycare. The child may also qualify for free health care, WIC, and similar benefits.

When a child goes into foster care, parental rights are not immediately terminated. The child parents will be offered services and given a chance to get their act together. (Like all of us, they get due process of law.) Generally, the younger the child, the less time the parents have. When the cause of a child's dependency is the parents' incarceration/drug abuse, the odds are not in favor of the parents. For whatever reason, they are often not able to get their act together in time.

If it appears the parents are not going to make it, the social worker will be looking for an adoptive home because finding safe, stable homes for children is their top priority. Again, social workers generally look to relatives first. Whether the adoptive parents receive further financial assistance for the child depends on the circumstances. Generally, the more adoptable the child is, the less likely the adoptive parents will receive financial assistance after the adoption.

[Scanner]

I am with DisneySteve and others in that I won't be very "Christian" in my advice.

There's a high chance, no matter how well you raise him, that he will end up being a criminal like his father. I have seen this with foster kids. . .I know it's the old "nature vs. nuture" argument but a lot of times, I think it's in their nature no matter how well the "nuture" is.

If you are cool with those odds, go for it. If not, you can't very well change your mind halfway in. YOu can always have them go to foster care first and then take him in later.

I don't think it will be worth it - financially and/or emotionally.

Good luck.

[DebbieL]

Who ever said the baby was a loved one? So to all your crack head future moms and deadbeat dads...have as many kids as you want and make your parents take care of them. Apparently that's the OK thing to do in this situation.

Oh and for the record...I'm PRO ABORTION!! I bet you would have never guessed.

Well, most people DO consider their grandchildren to be loved ones. The child isn't to blame here. I only quoted part of your post, but you really sound a bit extreme, selfish and uncaring. I think that most of us "saps" as you called us have a heart. Like I said, I've heard the horror stories from people I personally knew in the foster care system and would not allow a loved one of mine into it. Your choices are obviously made from a different place than a "sap" like me.

PS - I too am PRO CHOICE, but we are talking about a child that is already here.

[thekid]

Personally, there is no way I would let a grandson go into the foster care system. But, that's a personal decision. Only the OP and his wife can decide what they'll do.

As for the "nature vs nurture" arguments, there is absolutely no proof that criminal activity is genetic. (what would that say of the grandparents...). Don't say that an 18 month old baby can't be nurtured into a responsable, well adjusted adult if raised in a loving, safe, disciplined environment.