I Can't Afford Another Baby. Help!!

[thekid]

There are many kids who turn bad but are raised in loving homes. Sounds like the OP tried hard with his stepson yet things didn't work out. I doubt the OP's wife was a bad mom, yet her son ended up in jail. So by the logic presented earlier, then the OP's wife is a bad mom, provided no discipline, structure and love, and should NOT be allowed to raised another child.

The OP's stepchild had an absentee father and was already delequent when he entered his life at age 14. That may or may not explain anything.

All I'm saying here is that one can't make the following equation:

Bad parents = bad genes = bad kid, so not worth the enegy.

There is absolutely no absolute about that.

[thekid]

I agree. I was just making the point that the opposite isn't true either: Just because a kid has good parents and grows up in a great home doesn't mean he'll turn out okay.

I agree. I said something to the effect that with a good environment there is little chance that a kid turns bad. I should have said there is a lesser chance.

Point taken.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I think the guy was in the kids life before 14. He likely was dating the mom for a year or two. And I guess you are calling his wife a bad mom because she did an awful job raising a kid with a delinquent dad.

Hey mom was a single parent for a good decade. So...if I were bad then she'd be a bad parent. Since I'm a normal human being she's good? And if I had a sibling then they would say what?

Just because you have the best childhood, doesn't mean you turn out great. I have many acquiantences with 2 parent households who turned out bad to the bone. Stole cars, burned down houses, drugs, etc.

[Scanner]

Yeah, I guess I was wayyyy overgeneralizing. . .but it's my opinion that there is a statistically greater chance of destructive behavior, if his father had it. Maybe it won't happen, but I personally would be on guard.

I agree sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for "genetics." I have 4 cousins, 2 female, 2 male, all raised in the same home with traditional Catholic values. The one male is gay and has had a partner for at least 15 years (the number of years we've been married). The others are all married with children (and in monogamous relationships like the homosexual male).

You can't tell me that he didn't have a "strong male" figure or an unaffectionate father like some crackpot psychologists theorize. . . it was a genetic lottery as far as I can tell b/c he had the same father the other male had.

I guess you can all tell I tend to falll on the "nature" side of the fence vs. the nuture (sorry to drift off topic)

[myrdale]

I think it would be an awful mistake to give up one's grandchild to the system. Though at the same time, I do not think you should be held accountable for the parents mistakes.

I am slowly developing an opinion on life as a whole. I am moving more and more into the pro life camp and dispite everythign I truely believe this child is a blessing. If you can take care of the child, you should.

As crazy and nazi-ish as it shoulds I like the idea of eugenics and I like the idea that the parents be sterilized. Please forgive me for that.

Also consider this, who will be there for you in 20 or 30 years. Your children and grandchildren are an insurance policy to a certain extent. No I do not suggest you should burden them, but when you need help, and one day you will, it will be a fine thing they are there for you.

In the end, do what you fell is in the best interest of the child.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

myrdale, that is the worse reason I can think of to taken in a child. So you can have someone there at the end of your life. It's not an insurance policy. You choose to bring them into the world, they did not ask to be born. So expecting them to care for you? I can't stand that reasoning, makes me wonder why bother having kids if you want to be selfish. That you desire they live in the same town to help you?

It's a real burden when your parents depend on you for everything. My MIL is like that and it's straining the marriage, so consider that when you say they are an insurance policy. Your kids and grandkids need to LIVE their own lives. Too much dependence might bring your child home, but maybe they'll be alone because you are too selfish to let them go.

I'd prefer that there be less abortions, but honestly? We should be teaching more preventative measures so there wouldn't be a need. We should be pushing free birth control to everyone and no copay for women with insurance. Preventing children period.

That and free vasectomies and tubal ligations for everyone who wants it.

[disneysteve]

sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for "genetics."

Actually, there are very definite, traceable patterns in genetics. Probabilities can be calculated and such. The problem is that we have yet to identify genetic markers for so many things, like sexual preference, for example. I have no doubt that one day all of those genes will be identified. What we'll do with that information I have no idea. There are genetic tests that we already have that are very controversial because we don't know what to do with the results. The breast cancer gene is a good example of that.

[brianj]

We met with the two Social Workers from the State of Michigan at our home yesterday evening. We were amazed at all the background information that they had on us both. They even had our driving records.

They asked us questions for over two hours. We were asked questions like:

* What is our philosophy about child rearing?
* How do we handle correcting our children when they do something wrong?
* Have we ever spanked our children and how often?
* How much did you earn last year?

When I was in my early twenties I got two different misdemeanors which they questioned me about. One for trespassing while on a hunting trip with a fellow college classmate. Another from when I was arrested for driving with expired license plates. Both were misdemeanors and over 20 years old but, they questioned me for at least 30 minutes over both of them.

At one point I felt like telling them to just forget it. We did not need or want the hassle but, I knew that would not go over good with my wife. Finally after two hours we were allowed to ask questions. That is when we were told us again that they would be able to help us with daycare or otherwise for at least six months or more. They also suggested, as many of you have mentioned for us to apply for assistance like: Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP).

Thank you once again for all of your responses and advice. With all the information and advice shared we hope to be able to successfully make it through this new obligation in our lives.

God Bless You All!

Over 40 Overweight and In Debt

[DebbieL]

Thanks for the update! I know it was a nuisance to you, but I'm glad they do such a thorough screening. At least they seem to care where they place a baby. Good luck to you.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Congratulations.

[GREENBACK]

Best of luck to all of you.

[thekid]

I think the guy was in the kids life before 14. He likely was dating the mom for a year or two. And I guess you are calling his wife a bad mom because she did an awful job raising a kid with a delinquent dad.

Hey mom was a single parent for a good decade. So...if I were bad then she'd be a bad parent. Since I'm a normal human being she's good? And if I had a sibling then they would say what?

Just because you have the best childhood, doesn't mean you turn out great. I have many acquiantences with 2 parent households who turned out bad to the bone. Stole cars, burned down houses, drugs, etc.

Well, I may not have been as clear as I thought/hoped to have been.

All I've meant is that the equation isn't as simple as "bad parents = bad kids, because of genetics". This implied nothing as to how adequate the parents are. I think it's a mix of nature and nurture.

Thanks to the OP for the update. I wish you the best of luck and truly hope the child will bring you much joy and that things will turn out well. You are doing a very selfless act and I appreciate the honnest manner in which you are approaching it.

[m3racer]

It sounds like you & your wife have a level head. Good luck. I'm sure everything will work out for the best.

[Seeker]

Well, I may not have been as clear as I thought/hoped to have been.

All I've meant is that the equation isn't as simple as "bad parents = bad kids, because of genetics". This implied nothing as to how adequate the parents are. I think it's a mix of nature and nurture.

Thanks to the OP for the update. I wish you the best of luck and truly hope the child will bring you much joy and that things will turn out well. You are doing a very selfless act and I appreciate the honnest manner in which you are approaching it.

Actually there's a thrid part of the equation that I think is more telling than either "nature" or "nurture."

And that third part is "environment." Not the environment of the parents, nor foster parents; I'm talking the enviroment of peers, the people that the person hangs out with of his or her own age.

In spite of all the good and bad, the reality is that each individual needs to make their own choice for better or for worse. While having a good loving nurturing family helps, and helps a lot.... if the peer environment is negative, the child in question has to go against that tendency. Being strong enough to do so, and wise enough, is the problem. And not all parents truly know what their children deal with on a day-to-day basis.

[myrdale]

myrdale, that is the worse reason I can think of to taken in a child. So you can have someone there at the end of your life. It's not an insurance policy. You choose to bring them into the world, they did not ask to be born. So expecting them to care for you? I can't stand that reasoning, makes me wonder why bother having kids if you want to be selfish. That you desire they live in the same town to help you?

LivingAlmostLarge I am terribly sorry you have that point of view. Work in a nursing home why don't you and see people who have no family, or whos family has put them in a corner and left them to die. Never mind they spent 20+ years raising you. Never mind you are who you are today because of them. They are now a burden to you and you have your own life to live. You put them in a nursing home and walk off. They might aswell be dead. Heck it is selfish for them to continue living because of the burden they cause you, why the heck don't they get on with it.

Believe it or not LivingAlmostLarge, somepeople have a sense of duty to family. Being there for them when they need you. I had a grandfather who spent the last 3 months of his life living with us and died in our home. It was tough but he did not die with strangers. I have a grandmother who is developing dementia at a faster and faster rate right now. For now she still lives alone, but we check in on her daily.

God knows I understand not everyone is capable of taking care of their parents. My grandmother may have to be put in a nursing home if she gets substantially worst. That does not mean we are not the for her though. We'd be there to check in on her as often as needed. That is the insurance policy I spoke of my friend. But if you think you can just stick them in a nursing home and walk away your pretty damn wicked in my book.

PS I am sorry if this reply is a bit off topic, I just wanted to clarify.