Married with Separate Finances?

[jenn_jenn]

My boyfriend and I have very different views on money management, particularly in a marriage. I’m interested in hearing other’s thoughts on the topic.

His view: Finances should remain separate, what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours. Bills should be split evenly. Joint finances are controlling and leave me vulnerable to be taken advantage of.

My view: In a marriage, there’s no yours or mine. Once you’re married, you become a “we”. Personal slush funds are fine but finances for the most part should be joint. Financial decisions are made together.

That last bit of his view is offensive to me but I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. Different things work for different people. I’m trying to see both sides.

If you are currently married and manage your finances separately: What are your reasons for doing so? How does it work?

If you are currently married and manage your finances jointly: Would you be open to separate finances? Why or why not?

[disneysteve]

You're opening up a giant can of worms with this question, just so you know.

I've been married for over 26 years. We totally and completely combined our finances on day one of our marriage. In fact, we opened our first joint account when we got engaged so we had somewhere joint to deposit gift money. Everything since, except for retirement accounts that can't be joint, has been one and the same. I totally agree with you that marriage is joining two lives into one. Even with the retirement accounts, during the years that my wife hasn't worked, I still continued to fully fund her Roth each year. And no, we have never had personal "slush funds".

As difficult as it may be to contemplate this, I think your relationship shouldn't move forward until you work through this issue. If he thinks joint finances are controlling, separate finances are even more so. What happens when you guys want to go on vacation but one can afford more than the other? What if your car breaks and you don't have the cash to fix it? What if one of you loses a job and is out of work for a bit? What about retirement planning?

I realize that there are many couples here who are just the opposite and do keep things separate and it works great for them so hopefully they will weigh in too. But put me firmly in the joint camp.

[disneysteve]

I just realized I didn't answer your last question. Would I be open to separate finances? Absolutely not! First off, my wife doesn't work so unless her "income" was an allowance from me, she would have no money to work with. Secondly, even if she had an income, it would be far lower than mine. We could set something up where she pays a proportionate percentage of joint expenses but we aren't roommates; we're husband and wife. If I wanted separate lives, I wouldn't have gotten married. And if I didn't trust her to work together with me on our financial matters, I wouldn't have gotten married either.

[msomnipotent]

I would not be open to seperate finances because I don't work outside of the home. Another reason is that my husband isn't financially savvy and I don't want his mistakes taking my credit score with him because all of our credit cards are jointly owned. What happens with the finances if you decide to have kids? Is he going to expect you to go right back to work and earn your share?

[disneysteve]

I would not be open to seperate finances because I don't work outside of the home. Another reason is that my husband isn't financially savvy and I don't want his mistakes taking my credit score with him because all of our credit cards are jointly owned.

Well if you had separate finances, the credit wouldn't be an issue because you would no longer have joint credit cards. Everything would be solo.

[corn18]

We are joint, have been for 30 years. Never thought about separate. DW doesn't work, so not sure what there is to separate. I have always done the finances but would love for her to take over.

[riverwed070707]

I got married young and later divorced. We had joint finances before we were even engaged. At the time i was a college student and made just enough to cover my schooling and he paid the majority of our bills. Later when I got a steady job, he went back to school and stayed home with our young daughter for several years. I'm not sure we could have avoided joint finances given the circumstances at the time, and since we grew our careers together and supported each other at different times, when we divorced, I felt strongly he deserved half (and then some) and to be set up for a stable future for himself and to help raise our daughter. If you're young and plan to have children in the future, I wouldn't even consider marrying someone who insisted on separate finances. It simply isn't practical and it sets one of you (usually the mother) up to be at a disadvantage losing earning potential by keeping a job to be flexible with children rather than gunning to climb the corporate ladder. That said, if I were to marry again (not likely), my perspective is changed because my career is established, I own my own home, and I'm done having children - I don't feel someone coming into a relationship at 35-40 deserves any claim to half my assets that I earned on my own, nor do I deserve theirs. I'm in a serious relationship now and while we don't currently live together, there isn't a tally that occurs for paying for joint activities, including vacations - no unwritten rule of splitting things 50/50, we just pay for things as they come up, and manage our investments/savings/spending entirely separately. I don't anticipate that would change if we decided to live together.

[scfr]

Maybe the key is to finding out why he feels the way he does? What has he experienced or witnessed or heard about that make him think that joint finances would make him vulnerable?

[klarose]

My husband and I have a little bit of separate finances. Sorta.

We each have our "own" checking accounts and credit cards but both our names are on both. He can see my accounts and vice versa. A set portion of his paycheck is deposited into my account because I take care of all the bill paying. Then he gets to keep his leftover for fun money, gas, etc. If he works overtime then we decide together what to spend it on.

If we go over on groceries, etc then we usually just take turns covering the overages. I'm not really sure why we have two different accounts. It just seemed to work better with our habits, etc. His income pays 95% of the bills. Mine is mostly my fun money, pays for my animals, and is used to pay debt or save. It would be just as easy to use one account but he likes having some of "his money." He likes to let some slush build up so he can buy things occasionally where I tend to have a $0 based budget and send every extra dollar to debt or savings. I take care of all the rest of the finances so I don't mind letting him keep a couple hundred a month separate so he can budget his own gas and fun money.


I think what your boyfriend said is a red flag. Like Disney Steve I think you should have a long talk and seriously halt the relationship until you work through this issue.

[creditcardfree]

I'm in the joint camp. My husband and I have been married almost 22 years. We have had joint finances since then. While I worked for several years in the beginning, I have been a stay at home parent/spouse most of our marriage. I manage the finances, and I'm sure at times my husband has not liked me controlling his spending, yet he is very grateful for my role in managing our finances and investments.

I would only be open to separate finances at this point if I had a job, and we had an agreement on who is paying for which bills and expenses. I would want those to be balance fairly not by dollars but by percentage of income. I'd also want to have a clear understanding between the two of us why we think the separation is better than joint and what we each gain by that arrangement. The gain would not need to be financial, but could be emotional or even a behavioral reason. As long of us isn't financially or emotionally hurt by the arrangement would be the only way I would consider it.

My biggest red flag is your boyfriends final statement, which as you stated is offensive, yet also says that he doesn't see your relationship as a partnership, or one were you work together. He also thinks you (or maybe just any partner) may take advantage of him! That means there is a trust issue. I do believe you can have separate finances, but you have to have the ability to communicate and make partnership decisions with money that affect both of you. Otherwise you might as well not marry, nor live together. It can be done, but you both have to trust the other implicitly or have the maturity to discuss finances objectively.

[Fishindude77]

My husband and I have a little bit of separate finances. Sorta.

We each have our "own" checking accounts and credit cards but both our names are on both. He can see my accounts and vice versa. A set portion of his paycheck is deposited into my account because I take care of all the bill paying. Then he gets to keep his leftover for fun money, gas, etc. If he works overtime then we decide together what to spend it on.

If we go over on groceries, etc then we usually just take turns covering the overages. I'm not really sure why we have two different accounts. It just seemed to work better with our habits, etc. His income pays 95% of the bills. Mine is mostly my fun money, pays for my animals, and is used to pay debt or save. It would be just as easy to use one account but he likes having some of "his money." He likes to let some slush build up so he can buy things occasionally where I tend to have a $0 based budget and send every extra dollar to debt or savings. I take care of all the rest of the finances so I don't mind letting him keep a couple hundred a month separate so he can budget his own gas and fun money.


I think what your boyfriend said is a red flag. Like Disney Steve I think you should have a long talk and seriously halt the relationship until you work through this issue.

This is kind of the way we've always operated. Nothing wrong with each having a little "fun money" account, but when it comes down to family needs its all for one and one for all.

[jenn_jenn]

As difficult as it may be to contemplate this, I think your relationship shouldn't move forward until you work through this issue.

I don’t disagree. This is the biggest thing that’s holding us back from marriage and I’m at the point where we need to figure this issue out or move on. Asking this question is part of me working through this.

We’ve been together for three years and lived together for two. We’ve had some of the issues you’ve mentioned come up. We’ve managed to work through each one case by case. Fortunately, we both make decent money (six figure incomes) so we’ve never had serious financial troubles. We’ll help each other out if the other needs it and while things are mostly 50-50, sometimes it’s not but ultimately it seems to wash out in the end.

A couple of you have mentioned one partner not having income as a reason why you wouldn’t split finances. My boyfriend has made it very clear that the expectation is that we both work, always. That’s fine with me. My career is very important to me. I also have the same expectation for him. Barring retirement and extenuating circumstances, I want my partner to be working and contributing to the income of the family. I mention this because for us, that wouldn’t be a reason to do joint finances.

We could set something up where she pays a proportionate percentage of joint expenses but we aren't roommates; we're husband and wife. If I wanted separate lives, I wouldn't have gotten married. And if I didn't trust her to work together with me on our financial matters, I wouldn't have gotten married either.

I total agree with this and this is why I’m having trouble with the firm stance against joint finances.

If you're young and plan to have children in the future, I wouldn't even consider marrying someone who insisted on separate finances. It simply isn't practical and it sets one of you (usually the mother) up to be at a disadvantage losing earning potential by keeping a job to be flexible with children rather than gunning to climb the corporate ladder. That said, if I were to marry again (not likely), my perspective is changed because my career is established, I own my own home, and I'm done having children - I don't feel someone coming into a relationship at 35-40 deserves any claim to half my assets that I earned on my own, nor do I deserve theirs. I'm in a serious relationship now and while we don't currently live together, there isn't a tally that occurs for paying for joint activities, including vacations - no unwritten rule of splitting things 50/50, we just pay for things as they come up, and manage our investments/savings/spending entirely separately. I don't anticipate that would change if we decided to live together.

This also resonated with me because I already see us going towards this path. He works much more than I do so 100% of the housework falls to me and I take on a lot of the “life managing” duties. He’s military; it’s a very demanding career. It’s not ideal but it allow us actually spend time together when he’s home and to me, it's part of being a team. I know that most of the children responsibilities would also fall to me and this could have consequences for my career. However, the argument here is that he’d be fine without kids, so I am bringing that responsibility upon myself (not that he wouldn’t share in parenting and costs but that it wouldn’t be a reason for him to share the burden of any resulting loss of income).

An example that I can’t work through: His work, even when he changes careers, will likely have him relocate several times. I know it will impact my career and income. We obviously would discuss these moves together and I’m fine with moving to support his ambitious goals. However, I don’t know how to measure what that impact to my own career and opportunity cost would be. Decisions like this are why I think joint finances make sense – we’re in it together and building a life together. However, he’d prefer to have us work through these decisions together while maintaining individual finances even though there will be individual consequences for joint decisions.

If we were older and had already established our own financial identity that'd be a different story.

[Jluke]

I am firmly in the keep finances separate.

Married for 7 years and one kid.

we were early to mid 30’s at that point
but i was far ahead financially.

I am a saver. She is a spender.

my gross is almost 4x hers, but my net income is maybe 2.5x.

I feel like an accountant in the marriage but we have a system that really works for us.

It can be done separately.

[jenn_jenn]

Maybe the key is to finding out why he feels the way he does? What has he experienced or witnessed or heard about that make him think that joint finances would make him vulnerable?

I'd prefer to keep this more focused on reasons for or against separate finances. For background though, it's rooted in the failure of his parents relationship and his negative opinion of his mother. Without oversharing, he believes his mother took advantage of his father. It’s left him with a negative view on marriage (and women’s role in the family) and I'll leave it at that. I’m trying to be understanding of his view which is why I’m open to learning from those that married and built a life together while maintaining separate finances.

My upbringing also influenced my views on marriage and finances. My parents have been married for 30 years. They've shared everything, including the ups and downs. They’re not perfect and I’ve seen them fight over money but they’re always a team and it’s worked very well for them.

My biggest red flag is your boyfriends final statement, which as you stated is offensive, yet also says that he doesn't see your relationship as a partnership, or one were you work together. He also thinks you (or maybe just any partner) may take advantage of him! That means there is a trust issue. I do believe you can have separate finances, but you have to have the ability to communicate and make partnership decisions with money that affect both of you. Otherwise you might as well not marry, nor live together. It can be done, but you both have to trust the other implicitly or have the maturity to discuss finances objectively.

We’ve previously discussed this in length and it has nothing to do specifically with me. He’d be this way with any partner. He also wants a prenup to protect our individual assets that we bring to the marriage, even after pointing out that I have more money and assets than he does. He wants one on principle. However, it does inherently mean that he thinks I’d take advantage of him, which is why I find it offensive.

We’re fairly open about finances. I know how much money he has and he knows how much I have (in general terms). We know what the other’s pay is and how much they’re saving for retirement. He knows the pin to my bank account and at different times has had a linked card. I’ll have power of attorney when he deploys. Even though there are clearly trust issues, there is trust which is why I think joint finances could maybe work but I’m not just not sure how yet.

[jenn_jenn]

I am firmly in the keep finances separate.

Married for 7 years and one kid.

we were early to mid 30’s at that point
but i was far ahead financially.

I am a saver. She is a spender.

my gross is almost 4x hers, but my net income is maybe 2.5x.

I feel like an accountant in the marriage but we have a system that really works for us.

It can be done separately.

If you don't mind sharing, do you both have visibility to what the other has and does with their money and do you make big decisions together? Was the reason for separate finances driven by differences in income and spending habits (you didn't want to put your financial situation at risk given you had more, earn more, and are a saver)?