What a day

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I agree it's way to easy to say dump a marriage. Marriage is HARD. There are a lot of challenges along the way.

People who say they never fight, never have a problem, etc in their marriage, I gotta wonder about. Life isn't easy in general and neither is marriage, but nothing that comes is easy is worth having. The best things in life you have to work for.

Marriage is like that. Easy is boring, working at it and growing is best.

[jIM_Ohio]

I forwarded her the blog about selling naked pictures to make extra money.

She was not amused.

I do agree with the smoker analagy. Debt is not something she understands. This is the FOURTH time I have gotten out of 10k in cc debt. This time was the fastest- 48 hours, maybe 72.

[maat55]

I forwarded her the blog about selling naked pictures to make extra money.

She was not amused.

I do agree with the smoker analagy. Debt is not something she understands. This is the FOURTH time I have gotten out of 10k in cc debt. This time was the fastest- 48 hours, maybe 72.

I must say, 10k of debt and deception wouldn't be a "bump" or a "little relapse" in my world. I hope the other three times were not simular. Either way, I hope this was the last. You might want to double your EF.( Although, a 20k EF may result in a 20k bump, if there's a next time.)

[jIM_Ohio]

I must say, 10k of debt and deception wouldn't be a "bump" or a "little relapse" in my world. I hope the other three times were not simular. Either way, I hope this was the last. You might want to double your EF.( Although, a 20k EF may result in a 20k bump, if there's a next time.)

Keep in mind some of the 10k was money I charged to the card and assumed she paid off.

I use the card which had 6k of debt on it each week for gas and groceries. Card has a rebate which pays down our mortgage. Issue was the payments being sent were not enough to payoff each months balance. Plus there were 2 times I bought clothes for kids at outlet and dropped ~$250 each time.

One of the other cards was a business trip she took.

One of the other cards did have little expenses which piled up.

The habit which needs to be changed isn't the spending, it's the principal of pay off every months balance in full. Communication could always be improved and me not overreacting to stressors is also a needed improvement.

The first two times I had 10k of debt I was single. The third time was associated to our engagement/wedding I think.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Depend but I wouldn't throw away my marriage over $10k. It's only money.

[maat55]

Keep in mind some of the 10k was money I charged to the card and assumed she paid off.

I use the card which had 6k of debt on it each week for gas and groceries. Card has a rebate which pays down our mortgage. Issue was the payments being sent were not enough to payoff each months balance. Plus there were 2 times I bought clothes for kids at outlet and dropped ~$250 each time.

One of the other cards was a business trip she took.

One of the other cards did have little expenses which piled up.

The habit which needs to be changed isn't the spending, it's the principal of pay off every months balance in full. Communication could always be improved and me not overreacting to stressors is also a needed improvement.

The first two times I had 10k of debt I was single. The third time was associated to our engagement/wedding I think.

Before I became a finance freak,(So to speak)my wife took care of the household bills and I the business. Niether of us were really sharp with personal finances. After I became financially aware, I completely took over the household finances.

It appears, you have much blame in this problem because you, as the financial geek,(So to speak)should be paying all the bills yourself. My wife has a checking account for the purpose of recieving her paycheck, of which goes to the savings account to be distributed to our investments. She has a visa card that is only to be used for very specific uses. I pay the bill at the end of the month.

I think you mentioned earlier in this thread that you and her are going to sit down together and pay the bills. Excellent plan. That way, problems get noticed much earlier. Good luck.

[jIM_Ohio]

Before I became a finance freak,(So to speak)my wife took care of the household bills and I the business. Niether of us were really sharp with personal finances. After I became financially aware, I completely took over the household finances.

It appears, you have much blame in this problem because you, as the financial geek,(So to speak)should be paying all the bills yourself. My wife has a checking account for the purpose of recieving her paycheck, of which goes to the savings account to be distributed to our investments. She has a visa card that is only to be used for very specific uses. I pay the bill at the end of the month.

I think you mentioned earlier in this thread that you and her are going to sit down together and pay the bills. Excellent plan. That way, problems get noticed much earlier. Good luck.

My wife saw her parents divorce over money, so she wants control of day to day bank accounts. I don't really do well with details like balancing a checkbook.

The difference is wife is not debt savvy- how to avoid it, how to get out of it, or living within a budget. She does not want to give up control -that was the argument Friday morning which started me down the explortatory path with my credit- without that discussion I would be just as dumb about my cc today as I was last Monday.

I do assume some responsibility- but I did not even have a debt card to either bank and one of bank accounts was only in her name (identity theft about 18 months ago, so joint account was closed and new account was opened in her name only).

Lots of little things which went unchecked came up and bit me on the a$$. For example not receiving cc bills can mean two things. One is the cc are not being used (what I thought) and the other is the bill is being sent to a different address (what was really happening).

If we save 20% of our gross, I am happy and do not need to know details provided we are not in debt and the house won't be in forclosure and cars will not be repossessed.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Maat, the problem is no one likes to be treated like a child. If I did to my husband what you do with your wife I'd be a single gal again asap.

I think that couples struggle with how to balance control and sharing issues. That it's not an easy, one size fits all solution, because everyone's personalities are different, and our experiences are all different.

My DH would never lay down the law with me either. Whether I earned an income or not. I just don't have the temperment for it.

But some couples need the reigning in. I'm not sure if Jim's wife has the temperment for that and would accept it.

You have to work within the boundaries of your marriage. And NOT all solutions are great financially.

For instance we don't question each other about fun money. Nor do we question the other's purchasing stuff for the house under $100.

But we do have to discuss and agree about bigger things and though my DH doesn't really care, I do try to engage him in our financial status.

Still $10k to me is very little to throw away a marriage over. Kinda like throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Now throwing a marriage away over a lack of trust, and repeated incidents is a different story.

[jIM_Ohio]

Between Friday and Saturday a lot more happened than what I have shared thus far... I will probably blog about it some sooner or later... but how this transpired did have something to do with the control LAL is mentioning.

[maat55]

Maat, the problem is no one likes to be treated like a child. If I did to my husband what you do with your wife I'd be a single gal again asap.

I think that couples struggle with how to balance control and sharing issues. That it's not an easy, one size fits all solution, because everyone's personalities are different, and our experiences are all different.

My DH would never lay down the law with me either. Whether I earned an income or not. I just don't have the temperment for it.

But some couples need the reigning in. I'm not sure if Jim's wife has the temperment for that and would accept it.

You have to work within the boundaries of your marriage. And NOT all solutions are great financially.

For instance we don't question each other about fun money. Nor do we question the other's purchasing stuff for the house under $100.

But we do have to discuss and agree about bigger things and though my DH doesn't really care, I do try to engage him in our financial status.

Still $10k to me is very little to throw away a marriage over. Kinda like throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Now throwing a marriage away over a lack of trust, and repeated incidents is a different story.

I never said my wife was not welcome at the table. It's her choice to not be involved. She is welcome to call me to the table at anytime to discuss our finances. With me in control, there's no BUMPS.

Secondly, I never advocated that Jim should end his mariage. I implied that I consider deception no different than an afair. I also stated that if we had young children, we would work it out. It's foolish to leave finances in control of children.

You and I, may get by a 10k bump with no problem, but a majority of people would be ruined over this. This is exactly why couples should take care of the finances TOGETHER, but if one chooses to not be involved, they should have no say.IMO.

In addition, I don't control every penny she recieves from her paycheck. Also, she still has her nails done and goes to the tanning salon. We go out to eat once a week. We have a budget that she only breaks, so there's no ball and chain here.

[Broken Arrow]

Although I am divorced, I just wanted to make it clear that I don't consider divorce an option. Nor am I trying to suggest anything here.

Yes, bumps like these are inevitable, and in some ways, normal.

I'm sure you guys will find a way to work it out. I'm just of the opinion that trust is always better when it's backed by proof and communication.

Like I said... just sayin'....

[Ima saver]

Well, I have been married for over 31 years and we have not had any financial bumps in the road yet. I took over the finances as soon as we got married. My husband does not care to know much about the bills but he has never surprised me. He has his own credit card, but if he needs to buy a tool, he tells me before he buys it. I give him an allowance and he can spend it on anything he wants. I get one too. But he knows that I am very frugal and he actually encourages me to buy anything I want.
I think your once a week plan of paying bills is a very good idea.

[Scanner]

Hmmmmm.

Although I only know you from afar Jim, I think perhaps you need to sit down and broaden the discussion as to what you both want out of life.

I know financially, you (and others) here have aspirations of a life of wealth accumulation (4.2 million dollars seems to ring a bell - that's off of memory).

It doesn't sound like your wife puts wealth accumulation as high as you do and kinda like my wife - wants to be living the good life now.

Believe it or not, and I know savingadvicees definitely lean politically conservative, there is no right or wrong way - you should just be in alignment. I know the savingadvicees would eschew a lifestyle of living from hand to mouth but there are lots of perfectly functional marriages out there where they enjoy spending the money they make together and don't save a dime.

Sure, politically, maybe they eventually become a burden to society but this isn't about societal problems - it's about a happy marriage.

Not diagnosing - just offering some potential food for thought.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Scanner exactly my point. No one says spenders can't be happy together. Some of the happiest marriages are. I think there are more difficulties with people who aren't in alignment together.

I get what your saying maat, but if I ever talked to my husband the way you've laid down the law with your wife I wouldn't be married. Granted if he tried it on me, well he'd find himself sleeping on the couch.

But I gotta wonder how to get someone in line? A lot in life, not just marriage but work, etc is about compromise. It's not about getting what you want all the time, everytime.

A lot of it is about giving a little and getting a little. Maybe I'm off because I'm only married 4 years, together almost 9. So it's not "long" term relationship or marriage and we're young.

But just from working, nothing is always going to go my way. Would be nice though :P

[boosami]

How did you find out she had the 6k debt? Did she break down and tell you, or did you find out by chance? You already found 3.5k+ of additional hidden debt. I'd be afraid of what else she might be hiding, at least financially. If it were me, I'd pull my own credit report to check joint accounts, and I'd ask her to pull her credit report and let me review it. (Edit: Looks like you already did this!)

Best wishes to your son and your situation.