Do You Give Money to Your Adult Children?

[Fishindude77]

Our kids are raised, out of the house, supporting themselves and their families and are doing fine. We are at the stage in our lives where we have more than we need and I'm kind of the opinion that money given to them now will benefit them a lot more than 20-30 years down the road when we check out and they are nearing retirement age. We started gifting them $1,000 at Christmas several years ago, year bumped it up to $2,500 and could do more if we wanted to.

Just kind of curious what the thoughts are on this?
Will also add, that if they were bums, not working and problematic I probably wouldn't give them a dime because it would just get them in trouble.

[disneysteve]

We are not yet in that situation with our daughter as she still lives with us. However, I can answer from my own perspective of being the adult child whose mother gives him money. I have mixed feelings. My mother likes to give us money or somewhat large gifts or pay for things we've purchased. I certainly appreciate it, but I also wish she would spend more of that money on herself. She'll hand us $200 for some clothes that we bought but then complain that supermarket A charges 50 cents more for milk than supermarket B, or refuse to call Uber to go out to lunch with friends because of the cost. She's 89. If she isn't going to spend on herself now, then when? I also realize that it brings her joy to spend money on us in a way that it probably doesn't to spend it on herself.

A part of me does sometimes feel like she's giving us money thinking I can't support us on my own. Plenty of times we opt not to buy something out of choice, not because we don't have the money. That doesn't mean I want her to turn around and buy it for us. So I do get annoyed when that happens.

Back when we bought our house, she did gift us $10,000 toward our down payment and we were very grateful for that. She also paid for our bedroom furniture and has helped out with various other things over the years. She just recently gave us money for our new dishwasher. It's taken me time to get used to her doing stuff like that but I'm pretty okay with it at this point. Still, it bothers me when she scrimps on herself at the same time she's throwing money at us.

[Jluke]

I’m the adult child.

At Xmas, parents have been giving us amounts similar to fishingdude for a few years now. And slightly smaller amounts to the grandkids.

they see it as a way to pass the inheritance along over the years rather than waiting.

I think it’s also because if they end up
in a retirement or long term facility that place will take most of their savings (?)

[disneysteve]

I think it’s also because if they end up
in a retirement or long term facility that place will take most of their savings (?)

We've thought about that, too. As my mom gets older and declines physically, we worry about her savings getting sucked up by nursing home costs.

[kork13]

I think it depends alot on the child's attitude, the parent-child relationship, and very clear communication.

Give money to an irresponsible, ungrateful, disrespectful, self-destructive, or non-independent child? Absolutely not. Doesn't seem to be the case for your family at all though, so no worries there. Otherwise, it's simply a matter of clearly discussing your intentions with them. If you view it as giving them part of their inheritance early, while it can be of greater benefit to them, explain that explicitly. As long as it's a healthy relationship, and no weird/unhealthy strings attached to the money, I wouldn't think twice about giving your kids large cash or other gifts. I would only want to make sure that they don't become reliant upon those gifts, and that they are used to appropriately to benefit them/their families.

My parents have helped me over the years in a variety of ways. $10k for my car in college, over half of my home's furniture (still have most of it 12 years later), plane tickets, and of course simple cash gifts ($300-$1000) occasionally. They've done similar for my brothers as well. For my own kids, I'm already building up savings for them (529 & UTMA) that I fully expect will help get them started out on their own. And again, as long as they're responsible with their money, I wouldn't hesitate to give generous cash or material gifts on the regular, or even in a really big chunk -- for example, I think it'd be really cool someday to suddenly pay off my kids' mortgages if the circumstances were right.

Last note...just a reminder to be sure to stay within the gift tax limits, or otherwise doing the paperwork for the unified gift tax exemption.

[Smallsteps]

I think it depends alot on the child's attitude, the parent-child relationship, and very clear communication..

There are many, many different scenarios, it is hard to have 20/20 vision to the future.

I knew several parents, that all though it seemed innocent enough in the beginning ,,, they began to use the "gifts" to sway the child even grandchild into one direction or another.
No one admits to this and may in fact not really see it as what it is. It was used as " well I helped you with this or that". ....you should come more visit often or do this and that.

This also can be a problem with the in-laws... you KNOW your child but their spouse may see it differently.
I have seen my son not want to go to his in-laws EVERY Sunday but since they have always made their kids life easy with money for anything ..........they insist that the kids bank where they bank, invest where they invest, and if anyone misses one of their Sunday dinners there will be HELL to pay.

I also have seen many Adult (children) whom seem to put
either their feet up an live on cruise control no struggle or need to save up for their own retirement cause we can just put this aside or perhaps make risky choices they would not if they were financing it, knowing at any time parents will send a check or bail them out.

It has happened to people on the first glance I would never suspect but things went sideways once it has happened.

[Nutria]

I'd do it if I believed they would not squander it.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Yes absolutely if I could comfortably afford it. I want to pay 100% for college for kids but I worry about them goofing off and wasting it. Flunking out or not appreciating it. Then NO. I have always said I've considered doing it monetarily where DH and I pay but it's contigent on grades where they need to keep a 3.0 average or better. Now will I give them spending money in college? DH and I are torn. I guess it depends on how they behave and what they are doing. Will we pay for graduate school or professional school? Becoming a dr, dentist, lawyer, pharmacist, etc? Would we? I don't know at this time. I won't say no off hand because if they are serious and we can afford it? If DH is willing to work and make his $$...well maybe

Will we pay for a wedding? A car? A house downpayment? Maybe to all. I'd like to say if we have such largess then sure. But there are so many variables i don't know. I mean is it any different to give your child a house down payment or a car? Versus your old car? Or taking them on annual trips to Europe, Asia, etc? Extravagent trips they couldn't afford on their own? Paying their way in their 20s to enjoy luxuries that you didn't have?

Something I learned parenting. NEVER SAY NEVER. It could easily happen to you. So I'm going to say maybe. I don't know. It will be truly situational. DH and I might be struck down with cancer and need all our money. We might be laid off and forced into early retirement. We might become disabled and unable to work. But right now it seems like we plan on helping our kids a lot.

[Snydley]

Yes absolutely if I could comfortably afford it. I want to pay 100% for college for kids but I worry about them goofing off and wasting it. Flunking out or not appreciating it. Then NO. I have always said I've considered doing it monetarily where DH and I pay but it's contigent on grades where they need to keep a 3.0 average or better. Now will I give them spending money in college? DH and I are torn. I guess it depends on how they behave and what they are doing. Will we pay for graduate school or professional school? Becoming a dr, dentist, lawyer, pharmacist, etc? Would we? I don't know at this time. I won't say no off hand because if they are serious and we can afford it? If DH is willing to work and make his $$...well maybe

I have one child who is 12 and not particularly motivated to get As in school...despite the ability to do so. DH and I told her we do not want her to take out loans for college and we plan to cover her tuition and room and board. However, starting about 6 months ago, she is required to give us 25% of all the money she earns to put in a savings account for college costs. She does chores around the house for $5/week allowance and relatives give her $ for holidays and her birthday. She groans every time we collect this money. We know the final amount by the time she leaves for college will not be significant in any way; however, it will be significant to her- she will have paid for her education with her own money and I think she'll then be less inclined to goof off/flunk out. Also, I don't plan to give her any spending money while she's in college- she can work summers and during the school year to cover those expenses.

Also- I'm not paying for a 75K+/year private college unless she is super motivated to excel at that particular school and I have reason to believe paying that much will benefit her future.

[MaryKay]

My son from a previous marriage is 45 years old and remarried to his second wife, who treats him well. His first wife was a piece of work. He'd ask me for money occasionally because she spent more than he made and put them in bankruptcy. He could not control her or her spending. My husband was retired when all this was going on and we lived in TX, while my son lived and worked in PA. We never really saw what was happening, nor did he share any of it with me. I was still working and could afford to send him money so I did. Years later, I found out he never received it. She took it and blew it. This was about 15 years ago but just last year he unloaded on me that I never helped him out when he needed it. I tried to explain but he wouldn't listen and it severed our relationship for good.

All that to say....no. I would never help him again under any circumstances. As for my husband's "kids" (50 & 44), they have good jobs and their own homes and don't want any financial help from us. We don't have any grandkids, so whatever is left behind when we leave this earth will be given to them...including bank account and savings. We give them money for Christmas and they're happy with that. It's not a large amount but they understand we don't have a lot financially.

[Petunia 100]

My son from a previous marriage is 45 years old and remarried to his second wife, who treats him well. His first wife was a piece of work. He'd ask me for money occasionally because she spent more than he made and put them in bankruptcy. He could not control her or her spending. My husband was retired when all this was going on and we lived in TX, while my son lived and worked in PA. We never really saw what was happening, nor did he share any of it with me. I was still working and could afford to send him money so I did. Years later, I found out he never received it. She took it and blew it. This was about 15 years ago but just last year he unloaded on me that I never helped him out when he needed it. I tried to explain but he wouldn't listen and it severed our relationship for good.

All that to say....no. I would never help him again under any circumstances. As for my husband's "kids" (50 & 44), they have good jobs and their own homes and don't want any financial help from us. We don't have any grandkids, so whatever is left behind when we leave this earth will be given to them...including bank account and savings. We give them money for Christmas and they're happy with that. It's not a large amount but they understand we don't have a lot financially.

Oh, I'm sorry. I hope he comes around.

[Keshet]

We don't have children, so we just spend all our money on our doggies!

[Petunia 100]

I have given some money to my adult children, aged 29 and 24. They are both great kids and appreciate rather than expect. I wish I were in a position to do a lot more for them, but I am not.

I believe that the greatest financial gift I was able to give was to teach them. At times this fell on deaf ears, but as they have matured and begun their adult lives I have observed them making better decisions. This is wonderful to see.

IMO, the best way for a parent of modest means to give a financial gift which can be meaningful is to gift them some money for their Roth IRAs. Young adults have a lot of competing demands for their limited dollars. Even a small gift now, invested for later, can have a large impact.

[amarowsky]

Difficult topic. As I am a part of this on both sides in a manner of speaking.

My step-parents are the most wonderfully sweet, caring, wonderful, and generous people in the world. They spoil us quite well. I recall them chipping in like $15k on our wedding (I’m against expensive weddings, So I think this was their way to make sure I didn’t go too “budget” on our wedding, despite having more than enough money saved up to pay. They also rent nice vacation homes and offer us to stay w/ them & pay for many things on those trips + they spoil us on holidays and take us out to eat probably 10 times a year!

On the other hand, my family is much different. My mom’s side was always very independent and wonderful as well, but not nearly as wealthy as my step family. So they spoiled me plenty when I was young, but when I got pretty far ahead in life (compared only to my local peers) they stopped the “un-necessary spoiling”. I should note, that I lost my mother to cancer 6 years ago when she was 51, so this is my grandparents, who are now both rounding 80. They’re reasonably well off because of very prudent investments, saving, and always living below their means.

My Dads side of the family...... I love them. But I honestly think the whole family couldn’t rub 2 nickels together sometimes.... They’re flawed; Narcissistic, impulsive, under educated, and unable to defer gratification. So I have had to help my Dad and his family out on several different occasions, with money, time, and much more. That being said, I still love them and care for them dearly. Although @ this point, I am clearly enabling them. (Just hard to say no, when they have no one w/ resources to help them from themselves).

I totally understand parents wanting to help out their adult children. I get a similar feeling when I help out my dad. (Keep in mind I was raised 95% from my mom). I care so much about them, but they have always struggled for reasons. I hope I am not screwing them up more w/ these gifts of money (they’re not TOO frequent. But they do come up enough.).

It feels really good to give. As long as you are not enabling your child it is OK. I would love to give my “future children the world”. But this must be done very carefully. I think there is a lot of grit built when a child struggles as they get out on their own. Dumping money on someone trying to develop their independence could stifle their “Motor” for ambition.

There is nothing more annoying than a trust fund kid, who is ungrateful & disrespectful of the amazing resource they have been gifted.

[rennigade]

We've thought about that, too. As my mom gets older and declines physically, we worry about her savings getting sucked up by nursing home costs.

You need a trust then, to protect what is yours. My parents set one up years ago, even their house is in the trust. It cannot be touched by a nursing home or LTC facility. I know my parents also put a bunch of their investments within the trust to protect those too. For a couple grand to have a lawyer write one up...its well worth it.