The Economics of a Second Relationship

[sandrark]

Well, I must be cold and business-like too - I would be unable to stay with a partner who had so little pride and self-sufficiency that they were still relying on parents to make ends meet at that age.

I would totally move on - this is a relationship that affects not just you, but your three kids as well. And what are the odds that your kids would *ever* be a priority? Pretty slim, I'd imagine.

FWIW, I'm INTJ.

[MonkeyMama]

Run, don't walk!

Agreed.

Reading through this thread... Ugh! I just can't imagine investing so much in relationships that aren't working on every level. I've personally never had any problem reconciling the love side with the business side. Both are equally important to me and it just isn't going to work at all if all of the above is not there. It's not black and white and all or nothing. There is tons of middle ground. & most people fall somewhere in the middle so there should be plenty of fish in the sea. (Seriously, I am as equally horrified by the thought of an "all business" relationship as I am by the thought of spending more than 5 minutes with someone who doesn't have their financial act together. Both extremes would be very up front deal breakers for me).

The counseling advice is good. Not just for this relationship but as to dealing with past baggage and finding more whole relationships.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I'd certainly try counseling but leave otherwise. Romance is for 1st marriages. Finances and compatibility are for 2nd. I say this as I'm happy with my DH in my 1st marriage.

But if something were to happen? We'll hello prenup and hello protecting my kids and my assets. I'd date someone less well off but I certainly wouldn't marry them if we weren't on the same page financially and NEVER without a prenup the second time around.

Oh what if he has more money LAL? Well then my kids get everything in the prenup and he can share with me what we have, but everything prior goes to my kids.

[TBH]

I love women, for the color they bring to life, but honestly, not to sound like a misogynist, I don't find their viewpoints on life or the way they tackle or solve (or avoid) problems very sensible.

Sounds to me like you haven't met the right woman.

[Petunia 100]

Sounds to me like you haven't met the right woman.

I was thinking the same thing!

OP, all women are not the same. The common denominator is ... YOU. You are picking the same type of woman over and over. Your perception is well, this must be what women are like, but your perception is skewed. You should consider counseling for yourself, to understand yourself better, and to start choosing what you really want in the women you date.

You don't really want to be with this woman, so don't attempt to mesh your two families.

[Fishindude77]

Guess I'm old school. I've always provided all the financial support and never wanted the wife working while we had young kids. First marriage or second, don't think my views would change on that much.

From my view, women have a hard time making as much men all things considered equal, so it would be understandable if she didn't have much if any net worth while raising kids single. If she has a bunch of bad debts or spending issues, that's a whole different matter and throws up some red flags. Those habits may never change?

Would be more concerned about her mindset on things non-financial, to assure that you can live together long term without fighting and turmoil. If you're compatible, get along good and the families can blend it could be a great deal so long as you can come to smart compromises on big decisions like the housing, etc.

[Scanner]

FishDude:

I sometimes think the same thing. I guess guys naturally gravitate to that ethic to some degree. I understand she will never make as much as me and therefore, I don't expect her to bring as much to the table.

But then, does she get to walk away from the table with half? I honestly dont' know.

My mind is whirling.

I tried to be "elastic" in a proposal and said she could come live at my "old place" for utilities + 250/month. it's a 4 bdr. There's a chance I may take a M-F traveling job here soon so this place would effectively be hers most of the time. $650/month lands her a 4 bdr. house that's old but plenty spacious. She could then keep that place with her father and they coudl rent it to her daughter and aunt.

I thought it was a great deal for her. No? I mean where can you get a 4 bdr. with a yard for 650/month?

NO. . .I don't want to be your tenant she said. How dare i charge her $250 on top of the utilities. Never mind I would paying $1200 between mortgage, taxes and insurance.

Remember. . I'm paying child support too (and she's getting it). She seems to totally get the "getting child support" part; she seems to wholly NOT comprehend the "paying child support" flip side of the coin in the Economics of a Second Relationship.

Well, needless to say, I am very disappointed in her. I may think counseling is in order like you have suggested.

[jIM_Ohio]

Agreed.

Reading through this thread... Ugh! I just can't imagine investing so much in relationships that aren't working on every level. I've personally never had any problem reconciling the love side with the business side. Both are equally important to me and it just isn't going to work at all if all of the above is not there. It's not black and white and all or nothing. There is tons of middle ground. & most people fall somewhere in the middle so there should be plenty of fish in the sea. (Seriously, I am as equally horrified by the thought of an "all business" relationship as I am by the thought of spending more than 5 minutes with someone who doesn't have their financial act together. Both extremes would be very up front deal breakers for me).

The counseling advice is good. Not just for this relationship but as to dealing with past baggage and finding more whole relationships.

+1
It's OK to kick her to curb, no amount of good sex is worth the struggle outside the bedroom

[tripods68]

Sorry about your relationship.

This appear to be heading to a disaster just based on g/f financial status. Emotionally I wouldn't entertain this. I'm in my mid forties happily married with 1 special need son and tween! They are full of life and that's pretty much what i can bare.

Easy for me to say, "I'd run the opposite way...who wants more drama? right!.." But Most people here are pretty smart. Sure there's more into relationship than money but MONEY is #1 reason why relationship don't work either.

[Scanner]

I am in the middle of fighting with her now so my posts definitely have that bias, but I told her that building wealth together requires patience, sacrifice, frugality, and probably most important, delayed gratification and I am very concerned that not only is that NOT familiar to you, but when I present the principles, she acts like I am out in left field. Especially in bankruptcy or divorce, which is my case and her case, both.

She says she's insulted she would be a "tenant". . .I told her it's perfectly normal, common, acceptable and healthy for one person to pay the other "rent" in a second, third or cohabitation agreement. I told her I had 50 dollars in my pocket my ex-gf (who I am on great terms with) and her bf will have that arrangement. He will probably pay her "rent."

If her house had the greater space, then guess what? I would sell my place and belongings and pay her rent. What's the big deal? Just to say I own a thing?

People wonder here how does So and So end up in his 60's with 3,000 net worth? He seemed so smart and normal. . .

This my friends is how. . .you get embroiled in this stuff. . .like frogs in the pot of water where you turn up the heat slowly until you boil to death.

If the frogs jump right into boiling water, they jump right out.

[cypher1]

If the frogs jump right into boiling water, they jump right out.

If I was the frog, I wouldn't be jumping into the boiling water in the first place. I'm late to the show, and know what my decision would be in your shoes. However, at the end of the day it's your decision on the next course of action.

I will say, or ask: If you had a good friend in the exact same predicament as yourself for relationship/financial dilemma, would you give them the same advice as your current actions? You'd surprised how many friends don't seem to follow their own advice. Or maybe I'm the minority.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Did you say "push my kids aside"? No, don't let that happen. Both in parenting and in their financial well-being, you had that call first. It is primary. She really must respect that. In fact, she should be promoting that.

She understands getting child support for her kids, but cannot stand you providing for your own kids. You know that is not right.

Her oldest child is an adult and might move in with you as well? And she thinks $250+utilities is a good amount to chip in for her family living in your home?

I think you have some important things to iron out if you are going to combine households. BEFORE you combine households. And don't go buying another house because a broke person thinks yours is not good enough.

Actually, I think I like the short-hand way two or three people above said it: run.

[Scanner]

I don't know. . .she's backing up now. . said she was willing to get a place to rent together (that wasn't what was coming through). I told her I think she's bluffing. . .she won't move out of the arrangement her father has set up for her.

She is very angry I am bringing up "scrit" as she said about the bankruptcy, but I'm sorry - it's the elephant in the room.

Well, thanks for listening. I'll try to sort through this all.

I was probably insenstive the way I just undiplomatically blurted out everything. Maybe I am just taking it a bit too personally too.

I actually completely get it if she doesn't want to uproot and move across town. She's got kids. I actually completely get if she doesn't want to take the next step. I was talking to a "big sister" type the other day on this and she said she was sorry she remarried the second time and did it because it was what was "supposed" to be done. She would have preferred to just be close without the marriage.

Really hard. I'm trying.

Maybe it's not supposed to be this much work.

[CashUp Sammy]

Hard work

My thoughts exactly mate,

I don't think it should be so hard.

Is living together really essential at the moment? There's a whole gang of kids running around, things might free up a bit when the elders go on the college/move out? Even one out the house would make a difference.

Then a choice can be made on the living arrangements with a few less little ones, and options for housing are wider.

I can't see the dramas in renting together.

[jIM_Ohio]

If I was the frog, I wouldn't be jumping into the boiling water in the first place. I'm late to the show, and know what my decision would be in your shoes. However, at the end of the day it's your decision on the next course of action.

I will say, or ask: If you had a good friend in the exact same predicament as yourself for relationship/financial dilemma, would you give them the same advice as your current actions? You'd surprised how many friends don't seem to follow their own advice. Or maybe I'm the minority.

+100

Read this post over and over.
It took me 18 months after my marriage ended to be able to think this way

I actually had a relationship starting in January which sent these flags up and I ran for the hills.
Don't expect people to change, be able to accept them for who they are.
If you don't like one aspect about who they are and that aspect is important to you, keep looking.

There is an app called tinder, if you just want to get laid, it works REALLY well and is less drama.