Separation advice

[Mesem]

Hello Riverwed, if you plan on getting back together, I believe trust is your number one priority. So, do you trust your husband financially? I know it is none of my business, but why exactly does he wish all of the sudden to leave??

[riverwed070707]

Hello Riverwed, if you plan on getting back together, I believe trust is your number one priority. So, do you trust your husband financially? I know it is none of my business, but why exactly does he wish all of the sudden to leave??

Its not all of a sudden and he doesn't want to, I asked him to. He asks every day to come home. Without wanting to get into details, we've had some ongoing turbulence for a few years now and this past weekend was a really rough one. I want him to get in therapy, and at my breaking point this weekend I told him he needs find somewhere else to stay until he gets the help he needs and recommits to making our marriage work. He had his first appt yesterday, so hopefully we're taking steps down the right road.

As far as trusting him financially... I do when we're together. Apart, IDK its hard to say because its new and I just don't knwo what to expect. As mentioned, he doesn't work and hasn't for some time. I don't know what an acceptable amount is for him to go spend getting on his feet and I'm certain his idea of it and mine are probably very different but I guess I don't *think* he would go hog wild and spend our every last penny... I just don't want to find out the hard way that he would, kwim?

[shaggy]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. When I separated it was because my Ex was not getting help with various issues he was having. While I don't think it's his "fault" for having problems, managing those problems was his responsibility, and he was shirking it.

During our separation he did get help, and he got a little better, but it was too little too late.

After we divorced, I found out he had been pilfering money from our joint account for years and stashing the cash around the house. He also took the things I'd told him about my earnings and purchases and used them against me in the divorce.

So I would advise you to trust, but not to tell too much.

[Gailete]

Since most marriages end due to financial woes, I wouldn't expect that trusting him out of the marriage with you money would be a smart thing to do. He hasn't worked apparently for a long time. If your separation lasts a year or more how long are YOU willing to support him? Let me tell you most of us wouldn't be ready to support a husband for months on end when he won't find work.

My best and first advice, is speak to a lawyer and if you can file for a legal separation in Iowa do so (not all states such as mine have a legal separation). I found out the hard way that whoever files first gets the most. I came home one day to have my first husband tell me he wanted a divorce, he wanted the house, he wanted the boys, etc. He got the divorce, he got the house, he got the boys (until I fired my lawyer and took him back to court on my own). His only real desire for child custody was the support checks he would get from me as the very greedy man he was. He had also removed many of his 'assets' from our home too. Not saying your husband will do this, but unless you actually file for custody of your daughter and possession of your house you could literally lose them both. Since you have been supporting him for so long, I imagine you will also have to pay alimony to him and the court generally sets that, and not what you think you can afford but by their rules.

You sound like you are in a tricky situation and that he does need help. I do feel for you as this sort of thing is never pleasant. It is okay to get new accounts, etc. as long as when needed you are up front with the court system, but no reason to dangle a carrot in front of your husband who will need to be setting up and apartment with all those expenses and then the expenses that are ongoing. It would be tempting for him to grab more out of an account than you gave him plus it will be difficult for him emotionally I'm sure to come to you for his 'allowance'. Document everything!

[Mesem]

Its not all of a sudden and he doesn't want to, I asked him to. He asks every day to come home. Without wanting to get into details, we've had some ongoing turbulence for a few years now and this past weekend was a really rough one. I want him to get in therapy, and at my breaking point this weekend I told him he needs find somewhere else to stay until he gets the help he needs and recommits to making our marriage work. He had his first appt yesterday, so hopefully we're taking steps down the right road.

As far as trusting him financially... I do when we're together. Apart, IDK its hard to say because its new and I just don't knwo what to expect. As mentioned, he doesn't work and hasn't for some time. I don't know what an acceptable amount is for him to go spend getting on his feet and I'm certain his idea of it and mine are probably very different but I guess I don't *think* he would go hog wild and spend our every last penny... I just don't want to find out the hard way that he would, kwim?

Oh, well.. that changes a lot of things. I thought it was the other way around, lol. So, what exactly is wrong with him that he needs counseling?

[Petunia 100]

Oh, well.. that changes a lot of things. I thought it was the other way around, lol. So, what exactly is wrong with him that he needs counseling?

That is a very personal question, Mesem. If RiverWed wanted to say, she would.

[Mesem]

That is a very personal question, Mesem. If RiverWed wanted to say, she would.

I know you wish to help this community, but please do not treat me like a child.

[shaggy]

Oh, well.. that changes a lot of things. I thought it was the other way around, lol. So, what exactly is wrong with him that he needs counseling?

How would answering that question help any of us advise the OP? Let's keep on track here, not ask for gossipy details.

[Mesem]

How would answering that question help any of us advise the OP? Let's keep on track here, not ask for gossipy details.

I'll probably get an infraction, but whatever. How can you possibly help her situation if you don't know the context of her story? That's like treating a wound with the wrong kind of medicine.

[tulog]

A matter that could bear on a custody decision has financial implications in a divorce or legal separation.

Her attorney is going to need the full story, but probably not wise to discuss this here since her spouse could turn the tables by looking up her posts on a public forum, taking the parts least favorable to her, and introducing her statements as evidence of a party admission in court.

[riverwed070707]

No need to debate it. I agree its not relevant and I'm not sharing that info here, helpful or not.

[debtfreeme]

potential child custody thoughts

When my sister was going through her divorce several year ago the court literally had them count the number of days each had the kids to determine who owed whom child support.

Just something to consider, if you have your child the most or potentially the court will want to know how much time you have had her in your custody.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

It also is to determine how much time you really spend with said kid. Or if you happen to get them because he's working or he gets it because you are working that can give him right of first refusal.