In Desperate Need Of Help!!!

[Baby_nurse]

That begs the question why are you giving her YOUR money?

She's just a girlfriend, not a wife. If you two are this far apart on money issues now, it's only going to get worse. The fact that she can't afford rent for herself and her son is not your problem, no matter how much you love her. Your money, for now, should be spent on your living expenses and your debt. If there is money left over to include her at the end, great. If not, she needs to be responsible for paying her own way. There truly is no way around it. You can't afford to take on her and her son at this time. Is being apart tough- yup. But being together and broke is just as bad when you are at odds over how money is to be spent.

[Kalvinc]

I am TRYING to help her because it is partly my fault she is in this situation in the first place. She was living in DC with a friend (no rent). I talked her into moving out here, and now she cant do half the things she did there (I am stationed in the middle of the desert in California), and money is a LOT tighter. Originally she was staying with her brother (my boss), but he is an #@&hole and kicked her out because he expected her to watch his kids 24/7 and cook and clean his house after he trashed it. She doesn't have to move to Hawaii with me, but I want her to. She could go live with her dad in Montana and not pay rent, or go back to DC and live with her friend there (rent free).

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Then let her go to Montana until you get your affairs in order. You can do that with a 6 month deployment and extra pay.

Seriously the BAH + COLA is nothing in hawaii. I know tons of people who will tell you that. Electricity alone will eat you alive. Let alone food, eating out.

There is no point in moving to hawaii when it's so expensive you'll be deeper in debt and unable to dig out. If i were you I'd work on stabilizing the financial boat and getting her divorced. Then get married if that's what you want and you'll get more BAH.

[bigdaddybus]

At 19, i joined the military and after basic/ait training I returned home and surprised my family and married my girlfriend and we moved to Hawaii for 3.5 yrs. After 19 years we are happily married and still going strong. Even though I didn't have much debt then, I can feel the struggles you have coming.

I suggest you get on a zero based budget and stick with it if you want to get out of debt. In a zero based budget you assign every dollar where to go, cause if you don't you will blow the money. Both people in relationship need to agree and be on the same page for success IMO. You both should be able to make big dents in your debt while deployed, so you need to work together.

Thank God the beach is free! Cause Hawaii is expensive! Gasoline on Oahu today is .56 a gallon higher than where I live In Illinois. Imagine that increase on everything, it is that bad.

In 1994 I bought a used truck in IL for 13,000, drove it for two years and traded it in on Oahu for 15,000. The markup is unreal.

I wish you the best

[Kalvinc]

At 19, i joined the military and after basic/ait training I returned home and surprised my family and married my girlfriend and we moved to Hawaii for 3.5 yrs. After 19 years we are happily married and still going strong. Even though I didn't have much debt then, I can feel the struggles you have coming.

I suggest you get on a zero based budget and stick with it if you want to get out of debt. In a zero based budget you assign every dollar where to go, cause if you don't you will blow the money. Both people in relationship need to agree and be on the same page for success IMO. You both should be able to make big dents in your debt while deployed, so you need to work together.

Thank God the beach is free! Cause Hawaii is expensive! Gasoline on Oahu today is .56 a gallon higher than where I live In Illinois. Imagine that increase on everything, it is that bad.

In 1994 I bought a used truck in IL for 13,000, drove it for two years and traded it in on Oahu for 15,000. The markup is unreal.

I wish you the best

Thank you for that bit of encouragement My truck KBB's for around $6,000 still even though its a 1999. Chevy Silverado Z71 5.3L V8 4WD. I would think it might be a desirable truck over there as there seems to be quite a bit of offroading... I could definitely live with riding my bike everywhere and her focus gets awesome mileage. I think I will start reviewing my bank statements and see just where this money is going.

[Kalvinc]

I reviewed my debts and found that the "minimum" I thought I had was WAY off on these debts. Here is a more accurate summary of my financial summary now.

Creditor / Balance / Monthly Payment

Military Star Card / $2,325 / $72
Amazon Store Card / $837 / $61
Dell Preferred Acc / $726 / $22
Navy Federal Credit Card / $5,020 / $102
Navy Federal Consolidation Loan / $6,103 / $196
Navy Federal Used Vehicle Loan / $3,236 / $200

Totals: $18,247 / $653

Hopefully this newfound information can help you guys give me advice other than dumping my girlfriend

[bigdaddybus]

Here is the approach I would take.
1. Create a zero based budget. Here is a link that explains how to do it.

http://www.gettingfinancesdone.com/blog/archives/2006/08/how-to-create-a-zero-based-budget/

2. after you have created a zero based budget you will know exactly how much over your minimum payments you can afford to pay. Once you know this you can create a debt snowball and you will know how long it will take to get out of debt if you add no additional debt.

http://www.mccsiwakuni.com/media/183595/debtsnowballpdf.pdf

3. After you do the following you will know what it will take to get out of debt. If you are unhappy with how long it will take to get out of debt you have a few options.
A. sell stuff and pay down debt
B. get a side job to earn extra income (pizza delivery, etc)

A few things that you need to do to be successful at this. First and formost is not to get into more debt! There are options here. You can cut up your cards, you can put them in the freezer in a block of ice so if you really need them you have them but they are difficult to get to. I suggest cutting them up and living off cash. Create a $500-$1000 emergency fund if you have a true emergency. If you cant afford it, you dont get it. Period.

You have to understand just how bad your financial condition is. I am not trying to brag, I just want you to know what good credit looks like, and you can get here.
I get applications for credit cards all the time with 0% for 12-18 months on balance transfers and purchases. The only reason a person in good financial status uses credit is for convience and card perks. Not to live beyond their means.
A car loan for me would be 1.79% to 2% new or used. I state this because I want you to realize that you are basically being beaten right now by credit agencies. You need to stop the abuse by not adding to the debt and paying it off as quickly as you can.

Out of your $653 in minimum payments you have I am guessing that $120-200 of that is interest and fees. that is a big chunk of your monthly income.

[Gailete]

I realize that you are having a hard time listening to those older and a bit wiser, but it is so you don't make the same stupid mistakes that we did.

Between the minimum credit card payments and your things like gas, etc. in the other list, your spending is almost equal your take home. You can barely afford a pack of gum. Then figure out how much more Hawaii is going to cost, maybe 20% more from what the other poster mentioned. You will not have enough to live on especially if you keep giving handouts to your girlfriend who it sounds like she has plenty of money in the bank and could pay for her own needs--at one point you said she had over $30K in the bank and yet keep insisting she doesn't have enough to support herself. Something is very weird and wrong with the numbers you keep supplying. And then the numbers that aren't supplied such as how much will she need to paying to this friend who will be putting her and her son up during the initial move to Hawaii. Surely you aren't expecting someone to take on two extra people for free for an extended period of time. We have a renter but the water and sewer bill comes here so I see it every quarter. When his girlfriend and her son moved out, the water bill went down by half. In other words just for the water and sewer she was costing him and extra $400 a year in housing costs (and we live in a low COL area). I'm sure it is no different in Hawaii. Food, utilities that go up because of them, etc. plus getting out and about to allow the family some alone time for themselves are all things that will be costing someone money.

A year of living apart is not going to kill either of you. Perhaps getting to spend a year with her parents might be what she really needs as part of her recovery and so that you can get your financial life back together and on track. If you focus in on your finances especially in light of having the extra deployment pay, by the end of it (in a year) your bills will be completely paid off if you are sensible. And you may have been able to save up towards a home and perhaps a wedding. Over the years many many couples have had to live apart while a serviceman is deployed. They don't go out of their way trying to figure out how to be together even though they will be apart much of the time (your deployment) which is one of the biggest things I can't wrap my brain around--moving her to the most expensive place in the US to live while you are going to be gone for 6 months and all your deployment extra money is going to be going into supporting her and her child while she spends it however she likes since you aren't on the same track financially at all. I'm not telling you to get rid of your girlfriend, but she is a girlfriend. She is not someone that you are supposed to be supporting at this point and your plans are so heavily involved in her, that you can't see that many of your plans are immature at best. She is taking advantage of your generosity although as you have seen when you try to cut her off financially she is upset. She is also financially immature and till you are both wiser and on the same page financially you shouldn't be mingling your money, lives or anything else.

Hopefully this newfound information can help you guys give me advice other than dumping my girlfriend

I'm not saying dump your girlfriend, I'm saying both of you need to grow up a bit and look at life more realistically. All your new information showed us is that you can't financially keep living the way you are. Don't dump her, but stop supporting her as it isn't your responsibility at all. One year apart should give you a chance to pay off your bills and save money and give her time to figure out if she wants to be financially responsible and willing to spend her and your money wisely. In the meantime there is cheap cellphones and email to stay in touch.

[snafu]

Kalvin, terrific that you recognize the need to get out of debt. Since you already have a Consolidation Loan $ 6097. @ 17.5% interest confirms that you have already been down this road of spending more than your income can support. Do you remember what items were bought and are still paying from the past? Of your $196. payment - how much reduces the principal and how much goes to interest? What was charged on Visa totalling $ 5020.? On all this debt, how much in interest have you paid since January 1, 2013?

The solution isn't easy. You and GF need to get on the same page about money. She spends her income $ 1,495 as she wishes and she spends the money you contribute for her expenses as she wishes with the added benefit of living rent free. She does not seem concerned about the debt that has been created or that you are in debt over your head. GF spends nearly $ 5,000. annually for stuff in storage, stuff not being used.


If you genuinely want to clear debt, you will need to make drastic changes for a short term and focus on paying bills. It's more important to get rid of interest costing debt than anything past food and shelter. Every mile driven must be considered as necessity. It's been suggested GF return to Montana where she can live for free with parents particularly since you will be deployed and she will have family support - nearly as important as financial support.

[Baby_nurse]

No one is saying dump your girlfriend. What we are all saying is that you aren't in the financial position to keep doing what you are doing right now. It's digging your hole deeper. And since she's not on the same financial page as you, that hole is going to become a bottomless pit unless and until you BOTH decide to make getting out of debt a priority.

Is a long distance relationship hard? Yes. But being constantly at odds about money because you are broke is much, much harder.

[neatdesign]

Petrol-$300
Food-$400
Toiletries/Household items (toilet paper, shampoo, cleaning supplies, etc)-$50
Gifts (birthday/Xmas/etc)-$20
Clothing/Shoes-$100 (her)
Hobbies - $200
Entertainment -$100
Eating Out -$100
Internet - $0
Pet supplies - They are being shipped to alaska to live with her parents until we get our own place, that is costing us $200.
Contributions to savings/retirement accounts-$0

If I could be blunt:

A big part of your problem is that you either don't grasp just how bad your spending habits are, or you are simply in denial about them.

You're spending at least $500/month on wants (hobbies, entertainment and eating out) but putting nothing into savings or even using that $500 to get out of debt. That's $6000 a year, just by eliminating spending in those three categories.

You say that only your girlfriend buys clothes (and at $100/month, yikes) but EVERYONE has to buy clothes at some point. Socks get holes in them, underwear lose their elasticity, shoes fall apart, shirts get ketchup stains, etc.

You have at least 2 pets but you only list the $200 it will cost to ship them to Hawaii. What about food, meds, vet bills, collars, toys, treats? Did you just forget to list those costs or did you not realize that they need to be budgeted for at all?

In your first post you said, "I know that with going to Hawaii I will be looking into getting all new spearfishing equipment, things for my bow, camo, fishing rods, reels, dirtbike gear."

Um, you can't afford any of that stuff. And you don't need any of it -- certainly now "all new" stuff.

Whenever you're thinking about spending money on something, you ask yourself, "Do I WANT this, or do I NEED this?" And when you inevitably tell yourself, "I NEED this!" you then need to ask yourself, "Is it REALLY a need, though? Or do I just WANT it to be a need?" Be honest with yourself and you'll be surprised how easy it is to conflate the two.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I didn't say dump girlfriend. Rather sans her to Montana t save money while you at deployed to get into better financial shape and divorced.

[Kalvinc]

If I could be blunt:

A big part of your problem is that you either don't grasp just how bad your spending habits are, or you are simply in denial about them.

You're spending at least $500/month on wants (hobbies, entertainment and eating out) but putting nothing into savings or even using that $500 to get out of debt. That's $6000 a year, just by eliminating spending in those three categories.

You say that only your girlfriend buys clothes (and at $100/month, yikes) but EVERYONE has to buy clothes at some point. Socks get holes in them, underwear lose their elasticity, shoes fall apart, shirts get ketchup stains, etc.

You have at least 2 pets but you only list the $200 it will cost to ship them to Hawaii. What about food, meds, vet bills, collars, toys, treats? Did you just forget to list those costs or did you not realize that they need to be budgeted for at all?

In your first post you said, "I know that with going to Hawaii I will be looking into getting all new spearfishing equipment, things for my bow, camo, fishing rods, reels, dirtbike gear."

Um, you can't afford any of that stuff. And you don't need any of it -- certainly now "all new" stuff.

Whenever you're thinking about spending money on something, you ask yourself, "Do I WANT this, or do I NEED this?" And when you inevitably tell yourself, "I NEED this!" you then need to ask yourself, "Is it REALLY a need, though? Or do I just WANT it to be a need?" Be honest with yourself and you'll be surprised how easy it is to conflate the two.

I have plenty of socks, shirts, underwear, shorts...I may spend $100 a year on clothing. I am looking to change my spending habits once I get to hawaii (of course now aswell). So I am not accounting for the pets, which are hers. I should have worded it differently, saying that I will WANT to be getting new spearfishing equipment, and other things like that for my hobbies. I know how bad my spending habits are, and how my current situation reflects that. I definitely am not in denial about the situation. The whole thing with my girlfriend going to Montana for 6 months or however long definitely brings up a few problems. #1. We have done the distance thing, it doesnt work for us. #2. Her things in storage would be shipped to montana, and it would cost at least $3,000 to get them shipped to Hawaii later on down the road.

We are both very clear that things ARE going to be different when we are there. We have discussed different alternatives to the groceries she buys. She prefers Organic foods over the generic store brand and the fact of the matter is the stuff is just too expensive. Going to the store 4-5 times a week for groceries isn't okay either. That spends more money on gas and things we dont NEED. So we are both working towards those things. I am listing my iphone 3, 3gs, 4, and 5 on ebay this week. Along with my older macbook. That should bring in at least $600 which I was planning on paying towards the bill me later and amazon. Along with my advanced travel money I should be able to get those two debts paid off so hopefully it will feel like an accomplishment and it will be less stress to worry about every month. I am trying to help her with the cooking thing more often so that we eat out less. Because honestly the only reason we eat out is because we are too tired to cook anything and just need something fast. So I think having more readily avaliable meals that don't take a ton of time/effort to cook will be worth looking into.

There is a lot to think about, and some sacrifices to be made. Should I try to put a LITTLE money aside each month for an emergency fund or just to have savings? Because I would hate to put ALL my money into paying off debt but then have to replace the transmission in my truck or something and have to charge it..

[~bs]

you're active duty? Can't you eat on base for free? Shop at the nex for food?

I think you're in denial if you're thinking things will be better once in hawaii unless you can get base housing and eat base food all the time. The cost of living in hawaii is among the highest in the nation.

Want some examples?

How much do you pay for a gallon of gas? in hawaii, the average is $4.34/gallon

http://www.hawaiigasprices.com/Prices_nationally.aspx

How much do you pay for electricity? On Oahu, the average is $0.35/kwh

http://www.heco.com/portal/site/heco/menuitem.508576f78baa14340b4c0610c510b1ca/?vgnextoid=692e5e658e0fc010VgnVCM1000008119fea9RCRD&vgnextchannel=10629349798b4110VgnVCM1000005c011bacRCRD&vgnextfmt=default&vgnextrefresh=1&level=0&ct=article

The average electricity rate in the nation is $0.098, so you'll be paying 3.5X higher than the national average!

The cost of both of these items is the highest in the nation BY FAR.


Back in 2009, gallon milk runs from $7 - 12 depending on brand.

A gallon of Hawaii's Fresh milk is retailing for $8.99 with Foodland's customer loyalty discount, or about $2 more than imported milk brands but $2 to $3 less than organic milk.

http://the.honoluluadvertiser.com/article/2009/Feb/06/bz/hawaii902060330.html

I could go on, but I'm guessing not necessary?

[Kalvinc]

Decided to use the snowball method to start paying off these debts, with a $100 + minimum payment starting with Bill me later. Can anyone tell me how the interest charges work with the remaining debts so I can accurately calculate exactly how long it will take to be completely debt free using this method? Once I have it all calculated and printed out on a nice spreadsheet I don't think I will have any problem sticking to the "plan". I have heard of putting extra money towards the principle, how does this work and how much of a difference will it make. Also, is there a calculator that will let me put the minimum payment down and an additional say $100 towards the principle?