How do I get some spending under control?

[corn18]

Since we are starting to think about retiring, I have been tracking the budget closely again. The numbers are startling in certain categories. I know these will seem ludicrous, and I agree. So far in 2018 we are averaging monthly:

Clothes: $1,160 ($6,959 total)
Food: $939 ($5,631 total)
Dining: $909 ($5,453 total)

Yikes! All the other categories are within my targets for retirement level spending. We need to get these under control or I will have to keep working.

Here's my view:

I don't ever buy clothes. My wife buys a lot of clothes for herself and our 2 daughters (one is on her own, one in college). She buys me some clothes, but not a lot. I haven't bought business clothes in a while. WTFO?

I am gone all week and put all my food on my business expenses. I am only home on the weekends. How can one person consume $1,000 of food a month?

We do eat out a lot and not at inexpensive places. We need to cut that back.

I think I need some sage advice on how to address this with my wife. I think it's her fault and she isn't helping. That is the wrong POV and I know that is not the right approach. Please advise on the right way to go about getting this under control so we are working together and not me being an arse.

Tom

[Smallsteps]

Wow that does seem like a lot of spending.
When you talk about retirement have you sat down with wife and run the numbers? Often faced with real numbers people decide to seriously adjust and then THINK it was their idea.

It is tricky to bring up topics especially when you have strong opinions on Who is the culprit. On retirement I got my husband seriously on board about spending / possible semi-retired jobs after having a eye opening discussion with a retired friend. He had more of an auto pilot approach before. Now he has had a more hands on approach and gives me saving tips like I was the person not paying attention. I used to get peeved at this but I know if I let him believe the new approach was all his plan I get what I want.

[TexasHusker]

Since we are starting to think about retiring, I have been tracking the budget closely again. The numbers are startling in certain categories. I know these will seem ludicrous, and I agree. So far in 2018 we are averaging monthly:

Clothes: $1,160 ($6,959 total)
Food: $939 ($5,631 total)
Dining: $909 ($5,453 total)

Yikes! All the other categories are within my targets for retirement level spending. We need to get these under control or I will have to keep working.

Here's my view:

I don't ever buy clothes. My wife buys a lot of clothes for herself and our 2 daughters (one is on her own, one in college). She buys me some clothes, but not a lot. I haven't bought business clothes in a while. WTFO?

I am gone all week and put all my food on my business expenses. I am only home on the weekends. How can one person consume $1,000 of food a month?

We do eat out a lot and not at inexpensive places. We need to cut that back.

I think I need some sage advice on how to address this with my wife. I think it's her fault and she isn't helping. That is the wrong POV and I know that is not the right approach. Please advise on the right way to go about getting this under control so we are working together and not me being an arse.

Tom

A lot of this is spending on your daughters probably, as moms love to do that. My situation is probably the same or worse as yours. As we earn more, we find ways to spend more.

Yesterday alone, I spent $100 on a housekeeper, $55 on a volleyball lesson, and $40-ish on eating out, $40 for my wife's weekly chiro visit, and I am sure I forgot something. Right now, I'm spending $300 per WEEK on volleyball-related training, and we are going to TWO out of state camps within the next 30 days! But I do this because I can afford it. If I didn't make as much, we obviously couldn't do it.

Teenagers and young adults burn through massive amounts of cash.

I've got to visit with my son after he returns from a mountain excursion about $155 worth of iTunes purchases in the first 18 days of the month. WTH?

Honestly I don't see your spending that far out of line for someone with the means that you have. It just happens. Spending grows into our incomes, because there are things we can now afford and we perceive that we need. If a person earns $300K a year, it is very difficult for that family to live as though they make $100K a year. I suppose it can be done.

[TexasHusker]

I realize I didn't answer your question.

What I might do is continuing doing the "dollar diet" as you have been: Keeping track of where $$ is going. Do that for a full month, and then put it all on an excel spreadsheet. Make copies for everyone.

Then have a family meeting and say "I just want us all to be aware of where dad's earnings are going, because I really don't have time to pick up a second job. Now that you've seen it, what are your impressions? Do you think spending XXXX per month on your nails is reasonable? Do you think that spending XXXX per month on your clothes is reasonable?

How about we set a budget for each of these items, and you can help dad out by sticking to it?

Let's start this next month and then let's see how we did. If everyone comes in at budget, dad is taking everyone to Red Lobster for unlimited crab legs.

[Jluke]

TH had good ideas...

how do those three categories compare to 2017?

Are there any one-offs as far as clothing (college, special event) or food (diet)?

Try to get them to explain the difference and just say that if it is one-off, no problem.

otherwise, mention that you may need to re-visit the budget for each of those items as well as other budget categories where you may be able to save to make up for the added costs.

[corn18]

TH had good ideas...

how do those three categories compare to 2017?

About the same, but I was ok with it then as I wasn't laser focused on retiring early. If I plan to work until I am 60, we could sustain a much higher lifestyle now and maintain it through retirement.

Are there any one-offs as far as clothing (college, special event) or food (diet)?

My wife lost a lot of weight and needed a new wardrobe. That started mid last year. She has spent over $10k on a new wardrobe since last June, so I think that's enough. My jaundiced POV.

Try to get them to explain the difference and just say that if it is one-off, no problem. otherwise, mention that you may need to re-visit the budget for each of those items as well as other budget categories where you may be able to save to make up for the added costs.

My wife knows about the budget and wants to comply, but she knows my income and how much we save and how much she has / is sacrificing to make this much money. Maybe the root cause is I am away too much and she is unhappy. I need to fix that first and then we can be more of a team instead of me vs. her.

[TexasHusker]

My wife lost a lot of weight and needed a new wardrobe. That started mid last year. She has spent over $10k on a new wardrobe since last June, so I think that's enough. My jaundiced POV.

A skinny wife is like a precious jewel. Count your lucky stars that you aren't living with a beach ball. My wife has stayed skinny and I'll work three jobs if that's what she says it takes to stay that way.

I'm also down for unlimited botox.

[james.hendrickson]

I realize I didn't answer your question.

What I might do is continuing doing the "dollar diet" as you have been: Keeping track of where $$ is going. Do that for a full month, and then put it all on an excel spreadsheet. Make copies for everyone.

Then have a family meeting and say "I just want us all to be aware of where dad's earnings are going, because I really don't have time to pick up a second job. Now that you've seen it, what are your impressions? Do you think spending XXXX per month on your nails is reasonable? Do you think that spending XXXX per month on your clothes is reasonable?

How about we set a budget for each of these items, and you can help dad out by sticking to it?

Let's start this next month and then let's see how we did. If everyone comes in at budget, dad is taking everyone to Red Lobster for unlimited crab legs.

I like this idea - engage them in a discussion about financial management.

[creditcardfree]

Maybe the root cause is I am away too much and she is unhappy. I need to fix that first and then we can be more of a team instead of me vs. her.

She may not even know the root cause or if she is unhappy, so tread lightly. Teamwork, working together towards the goal is the best idea. Just remember you both need to have the same goal.

[Butterscotch]

A skinny wife is like a precious jewel. Count your lucky stars that you aren't living with a beach ball. My wife has stayed skinny and I'll work three jobs if that's what she says it takes to stay that way.

I'm also down for unlimited botox.

Holy Hell! I hope you’re looking amazing yourself, TX. Seriously, no lost hair or middle aged man belly. I can’t believe how superficial you are willing to appear, especially when I recall you mentioning belonging to a church and tithing...

Also, you have no idea why his wife has lost a lot of weight. Maybe she was sick. Should he thank his lucky stars if she has cancer?

[disneysteve]

As we earn more, we find ways to spend more.

Ain't that the truth!

Not 2 weeks after I sat down with my wife and reviewed my current income and benefits and where we stood with our spending now that college costs have dropped off the books, she decided to go over to Lowe's and buy 2 new light fixtures for our sitting room and foyer for about $230 total (plus a few bucks to the handyman to install them both). I wasn't upset and they look far better than what we had there before but I guarantee that never would have happened had I not had that conversation about how much additional disposable income we now have.

Anyway, to the original question:

I will never understand what the hell people are buying who spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars a month on clothing. Nobody needs that many items of clothing. I'm willing to bet your wife and daughters have closets and drawers stuffed with clothes that they hardly ever wear. But good luck reining that one in.

Dining out is a little easier to adjust. I'm totally with you on enjoying nicer places. We greatly prefer small, chef-owned restaurants, not big chains, and those are always more costly.

Do you typically order alcoholic drinks? That can greatly drive up the price of the meal. We just met friends for dinner Saturday night. Our meals were $22 and $24 but our drinks were $17 and $22. Almost half of our bill was drinks. So if that's part of the issue, try and trim back on the drinking or visit more BYOB places where you can bring a nice bottle of wine that costs a fraction of what the restaurants charge.

Do you usually do full course meals with appetizers, entrees, and desserts? Could you cut back there? Maybe you could share one appetizer and one dessert. Or skip one course entirely. Most restaurant meals are so ridiculously high in calories that a 3-course meal can easily approach or exceed 2,000 calories, more than you should have in an entire day. So maybe some focus on the health risks would be helpful here. Do you often take home leftovers, and if so, do you actually use them or do they end up getting trashed?

And ultimately, the best way to reduce the dining out cost is to reduce the dining out. How many meals each month do you dine out? Can you cut out one meal per month?

As for the groceries, what the heck are you buying? Especially if you are only eating at home 2 days a week, how is she spending over $900/month on top of another $900 dining out? That's an average of over $60/day on food and doesn't include feeding you 5 days out of the week so the average is really a lot higher. There is absolutely room for improvement there. You just need to really clarify where the money is going. You should also look into how much waste is occurring. I bet it's quite a bit. That's something we always struggle with too. We buy stuff with good intentions and that it goes bad before we have a chance to use it. Or we make stuff and have leftovers and they get thrown out.

[TexasHusker]

Holy Hell! I hope you’re looking amazing yourself, TX. Seriously, no lost hair or middle aged man belly. I can’t believe how superficial you are willing to appear, especially when I recall you mentioning belonging to a church and tithing...

Also, you have no idea why his wife has lost a lot of weight. Maybe she was sick. Should he thank his lucky stars if she has cancer?

I'm not sure how you figure appreciating and encouraging the beauty of my wife conflicts with my faith. There is nothing a-biblical about taking care of our bodies (the Lord's temple). To the contrary. I am in shock and awe as to how many people are perfectly willing to be 150 pounds overweight and shoving two scoops of baskin robbins down the pie hole, then waddling back to their car. Where is the self respect?

I've tried to keep myself up, too. I walk 4-5 miles a day and have dropped 10 pounds in the last month. I never was fat per se. I'm 6'4 so an extra 20 pounds is pretty easy to hide. I have enough respect for myself and my wife to keep myself fit and trim. And no, I'm not bald. I spent $10K on hair transplants to keep that from happening and take propecia every day. Which works by the way!

[disneysteve]

Folks. Let's stick to the topic. If the thread degrades into an obesity debate, it will be closed.

And just a reminder that disagreements are fine but personal attacks and name calling are not.

[MonkeyMama]

I am guessing she has no idea (how much it adds up). Seeing it in black and white is very eye opening, which is why it is so powerful to track spending. I'd personally start by just showing her the numbers. She may be shocked and that may be the end of it.

I also think it's easier to make incremental changes. So maybe just broach one or the other (clothing or food) and save the other discussion for later. Or mention all of it, but then just choose one area at a time to focus on.

I also think addressing any underlying issues is wise.

[disneysteve]

I will never understand what the hell people are buying who spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars a month on clothing. Nobody needs that many items of clothing.

Just to be clear, I wrote this before I read the part about her losing a lot of weight and needing to replace her clothes. If she is now at her goal weight, hopefully that spending will taper off now that she has her new wardrobe.

One other thing I'd comment on is the spending on the daughter who is "on her own". I think it was The Millionaire Next Door that coined a phrase about Parental Financial Aid. I think that was the term. Basically it talked about ongoing support to grown and supposedly independent adult children.

Obviously it's no problem to take your kids to dinner, buy them gifts for birthdays and holidays, and maybe the occasional "just because" items, but when parents continue to financially support their grown children to a significant degree, it can really weigh on the finances of the parents. It also isn't great for the child who is at a stage where they really need to be learning to live within their means, even if that means they have to downgrade their lifestyle from what they were used to when they lived with their parents. Too often Mom and Dad don't want to see their babies struggle or suffer so they keep throwing money their way to support a lifestyle that the kid really can't afford.

Of course, I say all that as the parent of a child who still lives at home so I've never actually had to deal with that personally. I've just read about it.