I am getting really freaking discouraged

[hamchan]

DH and I never used to argue about money until recently. Since neither of us is comfortable carrying around cash the only reasonable option we have is to record each transaction of our discretionary spending. I found an app that syncs up with a website and both of our phones, but DH isn't recording all of his transactions, which renders the system kind of useless. I also have an Aflac policy, from which we are due $400 in reimbursements, but DH keeps dragging his feet on filling out the paperwork and I cannot do it since I don't have access to his medical stuff. I am trying to be patient and not act pushy or naggy, but he has gotten extremely defensive and touchy about anything he views as criticism. It's getting to the point where he is just shutting down and not even answering me when I ask him if he took care of this or that. His personality has done a 180 in the past few months.

On top of that we have not even heard back about any apartments, let alone viewed or applied for any. Apparently if you don't respond to the add within hours of it's posting you will miss your chance. And our phone bill went up $35 and no one at Verizon can explain why (they claim it has always been what it is now, which we can very plainly see from our payment history is false). I am trying to get DH to switch himself and DD over to Ting, since neither of them are under contract anymore, but I can't even bring it up without being met with stony silence.

I don't know if he thinks everything is fine since we are able to pay all of the bills without going into additional debt or what, but I am getting tired of trying to have a budget and not getting any cooperation from him.

[kork13]

If I may be painfully blunt...... (my apologies upfront)

The phones, his delayed medical insurance claim, and all of your financial concerns all appear to be only symptoms of a bigger problem in your relationship.

DH and I never used to argue about money until recently. ......... I am trying to be patient and not act pushy or naggy, but he has gotten extremely defensive and touchy about anything he views as criticism. It's getting to the point where he is just shutting down and not even answering me when I ask him if he took care of this or that. His personality has done a 180 in the past few months.

All of this, and especially the underlined bit, is of particular concern. You're no longer communicating with each other. Do you know what happened back a few months ago that changed things? If you can isolate the chain of events that started the changes, you can address that and work through it together.

I am by no means qualified to provide meaningful advice to you here, but you may need to find someone (professional or otherwise) with whom you both can work to address the communication problems you're having. Do you attend a particular church regularly? If so, your priest/pastor/reverend/whatever may be willing & able to do some marriage counseling with you. They could definitely refer you to someone (or a local group) that can help you. Unfortunately, I don't believe that your real problem is financial in nature... It's a relationship problem.

[hamchan]

If I may be painfully blunt...... (my apologies upfront)

The phones, his delayed medical insurance claim, and all of your financial concerns all appear to be only symptoms of a bigger problem in your relationship.

All of this, and especially the underlined bit, is of particular concern. You're no longer communicating with each other. Do you know what happened back a few months ago that changed things?

Yes, he has been very ill for a long time, but a few months ago he found out his kidney disease moved into stage 4. I didn't even know he had kidney disease until then. He is not at this point wanting to go on dialysis, or get a transplant, which if he doesn't do he is obviously not going to make it for even a few more years. Of course, I do not want him to take this course of inaction, and it has put a tremendous strain on our relationship.

I am by no means qualified to provide meaningful advice to you here, but you may need to find someone (professional or otherwise) with whom you both can work to address the communication problems you're having. Do you attend a particular church regularly? If so, your priest/pastor/reverend/whatever may be willing & able to do some marriage counseling with you. They could definitely refer you to someone (or a local group) that can help you. Unfortunately, I don't believe that your real problem is financial in nature... It's a relationship problem.

Both of us are atheist. We have been in counseling once a week for months (which is also costing us), but things have just dramatically gone downhill lately.

[disneysteve]

DH and I never used to argue about money until recently.

This is definitely not a money problem.

Your husband is facing serious, maybe life-threatening illness. He probably doesn't really care at this point how much he spends on this or that. He probably has far bigger things on his mind than entering every penny he spends on a smartphone app. You said that you have both been going to counseling which I assume you mean together. I'd suggest considering that he get one on one counseling too. It sounds like he isn't coping well with what he's facing.

And I agree that this is very much a relationship problem. A big red flag to me is you saying:

DH keeps dragging his feet on filling out the paperwork and I cannot do it since I don't have access to his medical stuff

Why not? Is there some reason he is keeping his medical info a secret from you? I would never hide important stuff like that from my wife nor she from me. Since I'm the medical person, I generally take care of any and all medical forms for all 3 of us. Everything is open for all to see.

One thing you should look into which would be free is any local support groups. Most hospitals have them for various medical conditions. Sometimes connecting with other people who have the same conditions becomes very empowering both for patients and caregivers. There are also online forums, facebook pages, blogs, etc. that can accomplish the same.

Good luck.

[hamchan]

This is definitely not a money problem.

Your husband is facing serious, maybe life-threatening illness. He probably doesn't really care at this point how much he spends on this or that. He probably has far bigger things on his mind than entering every penny he spends on a smartphone app.

I am sympathetic to that, and am going through plenty of my own turmoil, but the fact is that with his medical expenses being such a wild card lately, I need to know where we are financially to even begin to calm down.

You said that you have both been going to counseling which I assume you mean together.

Yes.

I'd suggest considering that he get one on one counseling too. It sounds like he isn't coping well with what he's facing.

He is, and has been.

And I agree that this is very much a relationship problem.

Believe me, I am well aware of that.

Why not? Is there some reason he is keeping his medical info a secret from you? I would never hide important stuff like that from my wife nor she from me. Since I'm the medical person, I generally take care of any and all medical forms for all 3 of us. Everything is open for all to see.

He is not keeping anything a secret. (He says he assumed that I knew he had kidney disease, because pretty much anyone with diabetes has some level of kidney impairment. Which I think is kind of a cop out, but nothing can be done about it now.) I just do not have physical access to it. All records are computerized, and I don't have access to his account. If I call they cannot tell me anything or give me copies of lab reports due to HIPPAA laws. He could, in theory, allow me access to it, but he can't be bothered, and I would still have to have his cooperation and communication in knowing which appointments were for what.

One thing you should look into which would be free is any local support groups. Most hospitals have them for various medical conditions. Sometimes connecting with other people who have the same conditions becomes very empowering both for patients and caregivers. There are also online forums, facebook pages, blogs, etc. that can accomplish the same.

I have sent him all kinds of info on this sort of thing, but he hasn't done anything about it. I do have my own support available, but it only helps so much.

[disneysteve]

I just do not have physical access to it.
He could, in theory, allow me access to it, but he can't be bothered

I think this really is the crux of the problem. If he can't be bothered to share his medical information with his wife, you've got a major problem on your hands. I wish I had some great answer for you but I don't. Good luck. Hopefully he'll come around and recognize the vital importance of sharing everything with you. If anything happens to him and he becomes unable to do it for himself, what will happen then? I'd bring this up in your next counseling session.

[hamchan]

If anything happens to him and he becomes unable to do it for himself, what will happen then? I'd bring this up in your next counseling session.

I have tried to impress this upon him to no avail. He is feeling very picked on at the moment. I get that. Because our work schedules are almost opposite we do not have a lot of time to spend together. So the last thing he wants is to spend our limited time together feeling like I am criticizing everything he does, no matter how constructive I try to be. But nothing is getting accomplished, and I am losing it.

Yesterday I asked him for probably the sixth time to please print out the Aflac forms and get them filled in, because we really need that money to put into savings in case we have to move, and his only response was that he decided he was not going to go out with his friends after work like he planned, because apparently we can't afford it. He can't even have more than one drink without blowing up like a water balloon, so it's not like he is spending too much going out. He is just being passive aggressive. It is exhausting and infuriating.

[ua_guy]

I have tried to impress this upon him to no avail. He is feeling very picked on at the moment. I get that. Because our work schedules are almost opposite we do not have a lot of time to spend together. So the last thing he wants is to spend our limited time together feeling like I am criticizing everything he does, no matter how constructive I try to be. But nothing is getting accomplished, and I am losing it.

Yesterday I asked him for probably the sixth time to please print out the Aflac forms and get them filled in, because we really need that money to put into savings in case we have to move, and his only response was that he decided he was not going to go out with his friends after work like he planned, because apparently we can't afford it. He can't even have more than one drink without blowing up like a water balloon, so it's not like he is spending too much going out. He is just being passive aggressive. It is exhausting and infuriating.

Hamchan, your stress and his disengagement are two sides of the same coin. I'm glad to hear you're seeking counseling as a couple. My only advice (and please, realize my advice is free, take it for what it's worth) is to try to stay focus on the macro view, that is, the zoomed-out picture of the coming months and/or remaining time that you and DH might have together. There's still work to do in the micro, close-up view. But both of you are presumably together because you love each other, and as sad as this progression is, the last thing you want to remember is how your relationship disintegrated over finances and small details, if/when he passes. Hopefully your counselor can give you some ideas on how to work through those details without making each other crazy. Now more than ever, he needs you, and you need him.

[hamchan]

Hamchan, your stress and his disengagement are two sides of the same coin. I'm glad to hear you're seeking counseling as a couple. My only advice (and please, realize my advice is free, take it for what it's worth) is to try to stay focus on the macro view, that is, the zoomed-out picture of the coming months and/or remaining time that you and DH might have together. There's still work to do in the micro, close-up view. But both of you are presumably together because you love each other, and as sad as this progression is, the last thing you want to remember is how your relationship disintegrated over finances and small details, if/when he passes. Hopefully your counselor can give you some ideas on how to work through those details without making each other crazy. Now more than ever, he needs you, and you need him.

You know, you're right. I see now that he has been trying to tell me the same thing. I felt like he was saying that these issues didn't really matter, and that he was trying to discount the stress it causes me. It made me even more upset because I felt like he was just avoiding the issues. But the way you put it, it makes more sense to me. I guess there can be some give and take. The world will not end if we don't have a budgetary system in place for a few days. Even though it pains me to say that.

[hamchan]

DH is looking at an apartment this afternoon. Cross your fingers for us. It's 200 square feet larger than our current place, has a W/D, and ideal layout and is 62$ less than our increased rent will be.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Why aren't you both aware of everything? I mean in the sense if you are married why aren't you basically in charge of medical stuff in case he become incapacitated? So you have a full understanding of everything?I am confused I guess because I think I am the person in charge in case something happens to my husband.

[hamchan]

Yes, but he is not incapacitated. I cannot get access to any of his medical information without his express written permission otherwise. And even if I had time to do all this insurance paperwork for him (I don't) he would not give me that.

[hamchan]

I tried to set up a payment plan over the phone on one of his hospital bills and I wasn't even allowed to do that.

[kork13]

I understand that it's a difficult situation, and believe me I'm familiar with the malaise (if not legitimate clinical depression, which it honestly sounds like) that can set in due to late-stage illnesses -- I've had 3 members of my immediate family treated for and eventually succumb to cancer. It can seem impossible to get through on some days, so unfortunately you may need to start offering some tough love.

Perhaps part of the solution should be that you need to take control for a while, at least until he becomes more functional. It's a little harsh/extreme, and he may not like it, but his current situation is interfering with you and the financial security of you both. Start it as a temporary arrangement if necessary, just to get you both back on stable ground. You may not even like the idea, but I'm just giving you an option that many people have used with some success. And who knows, you both may even find that he's more comfortable letting you manage things for a while.

Some initial ideas:
1) Set him up with a checking account & debit card that you can use to provide him an allowance. Set it for whatever amount you both deem appropriate. That allowance is his to use at his own discretion, no questions asked. If you need him to do some grocery shopping, give him a list, send some extra money to his debit card, and send him off to the store. You can easily manage it by linking it to your primary accounts, and you can send money to his account electronically. He would have access to the money via his debit card, or an ATM.
2) Get the necessary written authorization granting you access to his HIPAA information. Talk to the hospital to find out exactly what needs to be done here. All he needs to do is sit down for 30 seconds and sign the HIPAA waiver forms.
3) Also get a special power of attorney authorizing you to act on his behalf on all matters related to his medical care & treatment. If both feel it's necessary, you can also get a separate special POA allowing you to act on his behalf with regard to his finances and all service contracts, or whatever else you may both deem appropriate. These can normally be drafted by either an attorney or notary public for a small fee (expect $25-$50). Again, just sit him down in the car, drive to the notary public, and the documents take literally 15 minutes to complete.

These 3 items would immediately resolve some pressing issues for you:
- Help you to moderate & budget for his spending
- Grant you access to his medical records, which is vitally important for you right now
- You would be able to file all of his insurance claims for him (just provide the insurance company with the POA)
- With the proper special POA, you could cancel & switch your Verizon phone plan. You could also enter into a new lease agreement for an apartment if necessary.

Bottom line, taking control of things for a while gives you options & flexibility. Obviously it requires him to trust you to manage things appropriately, but I expect that there is still that trust between you two. I know it's a challenging situation, and I really do wish you the very best as you move forward.

[hamchan]

Oh, there is no way in hell he is going to relinquish control over any of that stuff to me. That's what he's so upset about. He thinks I am trying to control everything.