getting over expectations of gifts

[cschin4]

Many adults choose not to allow their parents or inlaws into their lives because of situations such as you've described.

Yes, and some do so to the detriment of their own children by not allowing their children to maintain family ties. I would not cut my children's grandparents out of my children's lives unless something very severe was going on. Personally, I think too many adults are acting like children and selfishly as well.

[jIM_Ohio]

Thanks, I will. I think it's just annoying that I've had to wait and telling my family to not give us anything because my in-laws "migh" give us something and to allow them first choice since they usually do nothing. And my DH is desperately wanting a sign of approval.

Personally I think my family is excited enough for both sides.

I am coming into this late, and have read responses up to here and a few on page 2 as well.

I believe there is more to situation than I know...
and speaking from perspective of someone which did not speak to my own parents for about 3-4 years, then all of sudden my wife has their grandkids and now I am the favorate son I think LOL...

First- from the post I quoted above, it appears you "need" some baby things. You have 3 choices
a) buy them yourself
b) have parents (or is it in laws?) buy them
c) have others buy them

do not ever think one person is responsible for supplying the needs, conveniences or wants for baby or other. If you need something, go out and get it now, or risk having 2-3 people buy the same thing. We received many duplicates on our registry, and I know to avoid using target as a place to register and beefing up the babies R us registry for many reasons, which include a great return policy at one store, and a lousy one at the other.

If these are DH's parents, and he needs their approval, make sure DH and yourself are on same page with his parents. My wife needs my parents approval more than I need my parents approval. I have history (bad history) with my parents over money more than once... so I learned a long time ago to not rely on them doing what they said money wise. This same lack of trust transcends to gifts for my kids now, and more than likely the fracture in the relationship is too deep to ever fix, even though relationship now is much better than at time I was married.

Second- I do not think its reasonable to have unborn babies receive gifts at xmas.

Third- congrats on impending birth- you have made it 33 weeks or so, and I know that after 28 weeks, most outcomes are positive, so congrats.

[jIM_Ohio]

Because my DH felt my family was laying claim to cool stuff.

That is an issue between DH and you

its not an issue with DH and his inlaws
its not an issue with you and your inlaws

Every family dynamic is different, from my POV the most important thing is always MY family. Not my brothers-sisters-parents. Not my cousins-aunts uncles.

Me
My wife
My own 2 kids

those 4 people are MY FAMILY
what my parents choose to do
and what my MIL chooses to do
is of little concern because I know my family is #1 and I will provide for my family more than both of grandparents combined ever will.

For example-

We do xmas at my house. This winter my parents skipped spending xmas with all my other siblings (which are each 400+ miles from my parents) to spend with us (400 miles from parents in a different direction). I am not traveling with kids for xmas- ever. Xmas morning is in our family's house, and wife and I both agree on that. My parents were in guest room, and my MIL came over on xmas day.

My parents are not "good gifters". They mean well, buy its tough to know my mother- she is a little eccentric and does not listen at all to others (including her own family). So my parents bought each kid a toy, and each kid maybe 1 other item, plus a stocking stuffer from dollar store. Its easy to buy for kids... but for wife and I, we got things like books (we don't read), candles, and similar impersonal gifts. My MIL on other hand got each of my boys 2-3 toys and at least 1 outfit and 1 pair of pajamas each... and got me clothes, gum drops, gift cards for stocking stuffers and other items which require her to know
a) my size
b) what styles of items I wear
c) what I might be "short of" in my wardrobe (for example this year I was short pajamas)

I get along with my cousins better than my own siblings (and see my cousins more- we go on vacations together, talk on phone more, and generally we know what's going on in each other's life more than my own siblings).


So back to my point- best way to solve this is for you and DH to discuss your family. Your child. His father. His mother. The 3 of you. And how you will function and what family values you have.

How one set of in laws treat the baby and how the other inlaws treat the baby is not a contest. Use the baby as a way to project what you want to value as your family of 3. Use this to communicate how things get done.

My parents changed their tune the moment my twins were born. They went from not speaking to me, to being their favorite son. Kids will change lots of things in your lives, use it to reduce stress, not increase it.

[wincrasher]

Wow. So many issues, so little time.

I'd say you're a little hormonal right now. Just accept that you have the feelings and let it pass. Don't destroy all your personal relationships over such petty issues.

But you have to come to terms with one fact - you can't change people. They are who they are. If you can't accept their quirks and foibles, then you should divorce yourself from them. You can choose to let them know what you think of them - and accept the consequences of that.

These cheap people could end up being the most doting, extravagant grandparents once the kid arrives - stranger things have happened. But don't count on it!

[neatdesign]

TO CSCHIN4:

As a side topic, please use the "Quote" button when you are directly responding to someone else's posts. It's the big blue button on the bottom right of the post you want to respond to.

When you don't quote properly, your posts don't make any sense because the other person's comments and your response to those comments all blend together. I had to read Post #27 multiple times before I realized that the first three paragraphs were NOT written by you, but by LivingAlmostLarge.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

happygirl, i don't know why my DH loves them. The best years of our relationship was when they were cutoff. and we didn't speak to them. Honestly I'm usually more even keeled and thus why we probably do speak to them. My Dh always says if you don't want to see then we won't. I think he's like Jim, but, I want him to make the decision to not see them. That way it's all on him and none on me. 10 years from now he can'st say you made me cut off my parents.

Jim, I think I'd like to just see my family., gifts or no gifts. Always have and always will. I like them. I don't like where I live so I don't really see the point of staying put for holidays. That being said, I try to force my DH to visit his parents without me, but he refuses. I am happy go to see my parents without him. I don't think he likes them, which makes it hard to visit my parents.

Wincracsher, doting grandparents huh? I don't know about that. But stranger things have happened.

After this visit, I'd settle for people who picked up their dirty dishes and didn't whine about the house being too cold and turning the heatup to 80. Gee 74 isn't warm enough? And we normally leave it at 68. Not to mention running a space heater all night in their room to really crank up the heat.

BUT of course since they aren't paying as usual, they feel justified to use whatever they want. Like drinking a bottle of wine a night but not buying us one the entire visit or groceries. It might be a nice gesture

[cschin4]

happygirl, i don't know why my DH loves them.

Um...because they are his parents?

[cschin4]

BUT of course since they aren't paying as usual, they feel justified to use whatever they want. Like drinking a bottle of wine a night but not buying us one the entire visit or groceries. It might be a nice gesture


You are now looking for reasons to be offended well beyond your OP. If you dont' like them and want to spend your life ticked off at them, your choice.

[project15]

happygirl, i don't know why my DH loves them.

Um...because they are his parents?

Fixed!

[project15]

BUT of course since they aren't paying as usual, they feel justified to use whatever they want. Like drinking a bottle of wine a night but not buying us one the entire visit or groceries. It might be a nice gesture.

You are now looking for reasons to be offended well beyond your OP. If you dont' like them and want to spend your life ticked off at them, your choice.

Fixed again!

[Snippa]

Isn't a lot of this about expectations? Someone said that when you expect things you'll be disappointed. And while you express irritation, it really sounds like a lot of what you're feeling IS disappointment. And I'd fell that! Even though the baby hasn't been born. With his parent's being cheap, that's an issue you'll have to deal with forever most likely, but yes, I'd think my baby's grandparents would have bought a gift. BUT since they didn't... you just have to move on, which I'm sure you realize! (It does help to vent, though!

As to taking them out... anyone else, I'd agree. But parents rate differently in my book. I would NEVER let my parents pay for anything. It's not about how much they make, how long they stay, or anything else. It's about "honor your father and your mother" to me. But I know not everyone feels the same way.

Maybe it's best that you take turns. That's what we do with our son and his wife. We pay one time, they pay the next. And whoever doesn't pay that time, leaves a tip. Never an argument or hurt feelings.

Dee

[LivingAlmostLarge]

dee, i wouldn't let them pay if they were appreciative I think. It's aggrevating to be waiting hand and foot on demanding people. You try picking up after people who should be able to do it.

By the way I shoveled snow at 8 months pregnant because my FIL whose barely 55 and in great shape didn't help! My Dh was furious when he found out that the bum didn't help me get the car out. He told them they needed to get off their arses and help when instead of expecting me to be hauling everything and basically picking up after their butts. He was at work and I was driving to see them. Good thing I'm strong like "bull" and in great shape and health.

It probably is expecting too much that people pick up their own dishes, plates, tea bags, clothes, etc. I am not their mommy to wipe their butts.

[cschin4]

By the way I shoveled snow at 8 months pregnant because my FIL whose barely 55 and in great shape didn't help!

I think we need to change the name of the thread to "Great Expectations"!

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Tell me cschin, do you tell all your 8 month pregnant women to shovel snow? My ob said not too do too much. But hey doctors are dummies and so are most midwives right?

I bet you were shoveling snow at 8 months pregnant too!

[Snippa]

dee, i wouldn't let them pay if they were appreciative I think. It's aggrevating to be waiting hand and foot on demanding people.

I'm sure! It IS aggravating to do for people and them not appreciate it, and even take advantage. 20 years ago I would have been in the same frame of mind as you, believe me! I guess I've just learned to ignore better as I've aged (out of self-defense!)

Dee