getting over expectations of gifts

[LivingAlmostLarge]

My in-laws are still visiting. We did not get anything for Christmas for the baby. Actually we haven't gotten anything PERIOD for the baby. Is it wrong to be a bit irritated?

My DH told me to tell my mom to scale back and stop giving us stuff. That she needs to let other people buy stuff, so I did. I was very nice about it, because I thought that my DH wanted to give his parents a chacnce, but whatever.

I mean come on. Their first and only grandchild and we didn't even get a clothing set? I mean we got clothes from family and friends including my cousins who are single in their 20s! Nothing extravagent, but um, well, come on!

I know we don't need gifts nor should we expect them, but I'm irritated. Should I be? What can I do to get over it and stop being resentful?

I know I am hormonal and I feel that this is just an extension of their typical cheap behavior. We went out to lunch and they paid finally, but then the manager came over and asked what happened fro such a small tip? Was there a problem? No, but my FIL was being cheap,leaving like 5% and the service and food was fine.

I couldn't say anything,and my DH as usual threw down cash to make up for their cheapness. They have always been like this since I've meet them. I know I've rubbed off on my DH in many ways, but I am NOT a cheap person. Frugal yes, but NOT cheap. I have never been so embarrassed at a restaurant.

[KellyJef]

Is it wrong to be a bit irritated?

............. but then the manager came over and asked what happened fro such a small tip?

I don't know if it's "wrong" to be irritated, but I certainly think it's normal to be irritated if your baby's grandparents haven't acknowledged her birth with a gift.

As far as the tip incident, I have never in my life heard of a manager questioning a tip. I think that is unbelievably nervy. Good grief, tipping is not mandatory.

[PrincessPerky]

Some folk do not give gifts to a baby before it is born, old superstition, it was suggested I was 'testing fate' to build my babies crib before birth.

Though they could also just assume you don't need anything and they don't want to bother. My mother in law loves buying 'stuff' so she will no matter what, it only stands to reason the opposite personality has to exist somewhere. Though now that you mention it, I received nothing for my oldest till after he was born (7.5 years ago), this from a woman who does LOVE to shop.....

I'd chalk it up to old time superstition. Young 20 somethings are not to worried with all the medical advances, we assume babies will be fine, but the older generations tend to be less excited before the birth. (but don't worry, the medical advance are real, your baby is going to do fine)

The tip is a bit annoying, though since you know this is their habit, why not just assume when they say 'we will pay for dinner' they mean 'we grudgingly pay for dinner you pay tip'. You can't change folk, but you can change how you look at it.

As to if you have a right to be irritated, course you do (as does the waitress!), though you have no need of it, let off the steam, then take a deep breath and move on.

You can't choose your family, but you can make sure your children learn better. And knowing the situation you can plan accordingly IE ask parents to pass the check for perusal, so you can leave a nice tip, if they disagree ask the waitress for your own copy. So long as you are smiling all the while (channel those inner 'smiles'!) no one can really get too mad (or at least it will pass soon) and the waitress will forever remember your kindness, no the in laws wont learn anything, but they may start to assume you have the tip.

And if they don't keep quiet, then the next time they offer to take you out, suggest they not, no one is in the mood for the whole tip argument anyway. Or suggest fast food, no tip needed.

Believe me I have a list of complaints a mile long about my family (blood and laws) but after saying my piece to my husband I take a deep breath and remember it could always be worse. (repeat as needed)

[elessar78]

Tip: My sister and I always run into this issue with our mom. She under-tips even for good or great service. but when we go out as a fam she picks up the tab for dinner, so who are we to complain?

It is embarassing so our work around is that we have cash on hand for those occasions. And we discreetly place it under a plate, wait till she leaves the table, or slip it directly to our server.

[disneysteve]

If I remember correctly, you are currently pregnant. There is not yet a baby to give a gift to. Other than at an official baby shower, we would never give a baby gift until after the baby was born. And we wouldn't have a baby shower personally. Heck, I didn't set up the crib and decorate the nursery until after DD was born while she and DW were still in the hospital.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

LOL, about it all. They never used to pay for us to eat out, until my DH brought it up and made them. They would expect us to pay and still do the majority of the paying and they make more than Us!

It wouldn't also be so annoying if they didn't pay for my BIL everything because he's still single.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I didn't have a shower either. I thought they might give us a Christmas gift for the baby. How stupid. I stopped giving them gifrts and getting nothing in return. But this year my DH gave them a $200 digitalpicture frame wireless for the baby...this is because I felt guilty giving the saming frame to my mom.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

LAL, when is the baby due? Really there may be a generational thing going on. I think I'm old enough to be your Mom. When I was pregnant neither of the grandparents gave gifts. I'm sure it did not even occur to me or my husband that they might. I guess I knew at the time that some grandparents did go all out for the soon to be born baby.

Probably things really have changed so that nearly all grandparents give gifts before the birth now. So it probably really sticks out when someone doesn't. Even if they are stingy in day to day life, this might not be an example of it. It might just be them not having noticed that times and baby-related customs are changing.

Gotta agree with you, though, the puny restaurant tip would have been embarrassing.

How soon will the little one be in your arms?

[happygirl]

I think it's wrong to expect them to pay for your meals. You and DH are adults, about to have a child. I would have insisted that we pay for our own meals (to be honest, I would have insisted on paying for our guests meals as well since they are visiting, but that's just me) and I would have given an appropriate tip.

I can't imagine being upset because someone, even the grandparents, didn't buy a gift for my unborn child. Perhaps this comes from being a parent for so many years though. I'm pretty sure neither my parents nor my in laws gave us gifts for our unborn children. After the kids were born, they did (and still do) give them Christmas presents (not birthday presents though).

I don't say this to be nasty, only to give you a different perspective. I think if you expect something from someone (your parents and your in laws) you always have the potential of being disappointed. You and DH are fully capable of purchasing your own things so don't let their choices upset you.

[snafu]

There is an old expression...you can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives. The in-laws behavior is long standing and you can't change it. All you can change is yourself, your attitude and your expectations. If they send a gift for your newborn, great, if not, don't expend energy getting upset.

[moneybags]

As far as the tip incident, I have never in my life heard of a manager questioning a tip. I think that is unbelievably nervy. Good grief, tipping is not mandatory.

The manager probably wanted to make sure that there was nothing wrong with the service. Bad tip usually means poor service.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Oh, gosh. Today I remembered something that might illustrate why it has not not been customary among some people to give gifts before the birth. Now, this is incredibly sad, I'll warn you.

After our baby was born, I think when he was about three weeks old, a big box came in the mail with no return address. It was full of new teddy bears, stuffed toys, blankets, pyjamas, and rattles. There was a letter in there. It was from my husband's cousin who had lost her baby at 6 months pregnancy. She was passing on the things she now could not use and as you can imagine, could not bear to have around her. I could only imagine her pain and grief at packing up and sending away these things which had been meant for her own baby.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Joan sorry to hear that. And I'll have the baby in 7 weeks or less.

Happy girl, thery are stqaying for 2 week.s. Sorry they should be paying for something. When we visit them we pay ALL the time. Ridiculous. When we visit someone we pay because they are putting you up.

[autoxer]

Is it wrong to be a bit irritated?

It's a gift, not an entitlement. Maybe you need to lower your expectation.

Frugal yes, but NOT cheap.

Last weekend I went out for brunch with my in-laws and while they paid for the meal, they were also short on the tip. I saw my sister in law slip a couple extra dollars on the table as we left, without FIL knowing. I laughed a little, but shrugged it off. They think of themselves as being frugal, but not cheap. That distinction is different for everybody.

[happygirl]

Joan sorry to hear that. And I'll have the baby in 7 weeks or less.

Happy girl, thery are stqaying for 2 week.s. Sorry they should be paying for something. When we visit them we pay ALL the time. Ridiculous. When we visit someone we pay because they are putting you up.

Obviously we see this differently and that's ok. Whenever I have had guests in my home, I have invited them because I liked them and wanted to enjoy their company. I don't see it as "putting someone up", but again, that's just me.

Best of luck to you on this situation.