getting over expectations of gifts

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I don't mind paying for people to stay but I don't think people should expe ct us to pay for everything. I mean going to the grocery store and shopping and putting thing in your cart and then the other people pay. I've never been like that.

Also difference between frugal and cheap is expecting others to pay for you before you decide to get something. For instance if we apaying then we get stuff if not they don't.

[cschin4]

It wouldn't also be so annoying if they didn't pay for my BIL everything because he's still single.

What does that have to do with anything? First, that isn't any of your business. They can spend their money however they please and if they want to help their BIL, that is up to them and has NOTHING to do with you unless you are looking for more bones of contention. Gifts are not expectations. A gift is a gift. It is time to take a more adult approach to life. If they give a gift, fine. If they don't, so what? You seem to want to find offense where none may be intended. And, even if they drop the ball, forgive them and forget about it and go out and buy yourself something for the baby and move on.

[cschin4]

Is it wrong to be a bit irritated?


Yes and yes. It is wrong to be irritated if you haven't even had the baby yet.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Thanks, I will. I think it's just annoying that I've had to wait and telling my family to not give us anything because my in-laws "migh" give us something and to allow them first choice since they usually do nothing. And my DH is desperately wanting a sign of approval.

Personally I think my family is excited enough for both sides.

[Mjenn]

I'm 8 months pregnant and got zero items for the baby for christmas from either of our families. I have to say I wasn't really expecting anything because, well,the baby isn't here yet.

For us the biggest difference is that my DH's family has 7 grandkids and for my family it is their first. So, we do expect that we might get more stuff from my family. But we bought most of the big ticket items because we didn't want to seem like we were 'asking' for them as gifts.

Also, my family lives far away, so they came a few months ago and brought a layette and some other little items. Whereas I think we will get things from DH's family after the baby is here.

But if we don't it isn't a big deal.... we have enough stuff!

As for tipping, one way I do this with my grandma, who always wants to treat us to dinner but is a terrible tipper, is say 'well, if you are getting dinner, at least let us get the tip?' That way nothing shady goes down and we feel better about the tip.

[cschin4]

I think it's just annoying that I've had to wait and telling my family to not give us anything because my in-laws "migh" give us something.

Why did you have to tell your family anything? One shouldn't have anything to do with the other. They should give or not give what they want and vice versa.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Because my DH felt my family was laying claim to cool stuff.

[KTP]

Just cross your fingers that your in-laws (and true parents too) do not hit you up for money when they retire.

That would have been the biggest gift for us...unfortunately we didn't get it.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

My parents no, and my in-laws already do so though they make more money than us and multi-millionaires with a couple of paid for homes. They are just cheap. So they could easily afford to retire. But to actually spend the money?

Like my DH told them last night, stop trying to save money by not ordering food to eat and instead eating off our plates! Went to a food court and everyone had to order and pay for their own meal, and he was incredible embarrassed they ordered an appetizer to split and then looked at our food and basically wanted to eat it. I gave them a part of mine since I felt bad, but my DH gave them nothing and told them to go get more food of their own.

I also got an ice cream later because I was still hungry and I snacked on a granola bar in my purse. My DH was embarrassed because they always do things like this.

Did I ever mention they made my BIL and DH fly on each other's passports while young, lying about their names because my DH was turning 14 in december and if he flew before his birthday they could get the child rate? So they took his younger brother out of school since he refused with his mom, and he came a week later with his dad on his brother's airline ticket and passport. And they saw/see nothing wrong with it and even bragged about cheating the system. My DH told me the story to say he'll never do that, and he better or else I will kosh him on the head. Sorry I don't lie or cheat about money.

And that's my definition of cheap versus frugal.

[zetta]

Sounds like your DH was hoping for his parents to be different, despite past experience.

What kinds of gifts have your in-laws given for big events like graduation and your wedding? Expect more of the same when your baby is born, and you're less likely to be be disappointed.

[neatdesign]

The original question was: "My in-laws are still visiting. We did not get anything for Christmas for the baby. Actually we haven't gotten anything PERIOD for the baby. Is it wrong to be a bit irritated?"

Later on we learn that the OP hasn't had her baby yet and didn't have a baby shower. She also said that she doesn't need any gifts, either. So, in light of those facts, I agree with the others that it's premature to be disappointed for not receiving any baby gifts for Xmas.

But the OP didn't asked if it was wrong to feel "disappointed" -- which is different from feeling "irritated". The rest of the OP's posts have been about how her in-laws are stingy with their money. Apparently they have always been like this and it has been a longstanding sort of resentment and annoyance for the OP and her husband. So really, the issue isn't about not receiving any baby gifts from the in-laws, but about their miserly ways in general.

So while I can understand why the OP and her husband would feel disappointed about not receiving baby gifts from the grandparents-to-be, it shouldn't be such a surprise to them. The in-laws are doing what they always do, and this situation is no different to them than any other situation involving money.

The OP and her husband cannot change his parents' behavior, but they CAN change how they choose to react to that behavior. They should assume that, no matter what, they are on their own financially when it comes to interacting with his parents. If they take that approach, then they can rise above the situation and let their resentment go.

[cschin4]

Like my DH told them last night, stop trying to save money by not ordering food to eat and instead eating off our plates! Went to a food court and everyone had to order and pay for their own meal, and he was incredible embarrassed they ordered an appetizer to split and then looked at our food and basically wanted to eat it. I gave them a part of mine since I felt bad, but my DH gave them nothing and told them to go get more food of their own.

I also got an ice cream later because I was still hungry and I snacked on a granola bar in my purse. My DH was embarrassed because they always do things like this.

Did I ever mention they made my BIL and DH fly on each other's passports while young, lying about their names because my DH was turning 14 in december and if he flew before his birthday they could get the child rate? So they took his younger brother out of school since he refused with his mom, and he came a week later with his dad on his brother's airline ticket and passport. And they saw/see nothing wrong with it and even bragged about cheating the system. My DH told me the story to say he'll never do that, and he better or else I will kosh him on the head. Sorry I don't lie or cheat about money.

All of this is interesting but a big SO WHAT? They are who they are and they have every right to live as who they are as you do. Live your life and let them live theirs. Stop dredging up everything they have did 'wrong' according to you over supposed slights real or imagined. It seems that YOU want more fuel for the fire. You are keeping account and by gosh they better pay up or you will have more reason to Dis them. Don't you think it is time to drop it? Your attitude towards them doesn't depend on them and it certainly isn't helpful to your marriage nor will be to your child. Why not just take a different approach altogether. Enjoy them for who they are when you are around them. If they "embarrass" you , just shrug it off and chuckle. I would hope at some point one would cease being "embarrassed" by their parents. Adults can accept other adults as who they are.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Cschin, there is a level of laughter I've done. BUT when you make my life difficult and they have, including I"ve spent the mornig on the phone with the bank and IRS because of their shenanagans with my DH's identity then I have a right to hate them right now.

And the food just happened the other day. The passport is ILLEGAL. Hello, they are giving me advice on how to raise my child illegally! It's okay to lie to the government and "beat" the system to save a few bucks.

When they change I'll listen. Until then they get major attitude because they do immoral actions which I have to save make my life more difficult. You try being told that you may have to file income taxes becuase your parents decided to take your identity in your home country and open up accounts, though you thought you closed everything. And then they lie to you about it.

When that happens talk to me about parenting. I have a right to not want them to give my children any advice. They should shut up and say nothing. Great teaching moments. By the way, when we meet, my DH thought nothing about lying on taxes, lying to the government, etc. He said his parents taught it was okay.

I explained why it was immmoral and why it shouldn't be done. And my BIL did the same. Funny that they bought are law abiding citizens to their parents disgust. They won't cooperate in sheltering money illegally, lying to fly on cheaper plane ticekts, etc. Guess you can learn something is okay and change, but why raise your children like that in the first place?

[happygirl]

Many parents have done far worse than you are describing here. One of the benefits of being an adult is that you get to choose how to live your life. If you choose to allow these people to be part of your life, then one could question what you are getting out of it. I think sometimes people become addicted to the drama of family turmoil and don't even realize they are contributing to it until they finally break the cycle.

Many adults choose not to allow their parents or inlaws into their lives because of situations such as you've described. If you allow them into your lives then do you really have any right to complain when they continue to do what they've always done?

[cschin4]

I have a right to hate them right now.

You have the right to do anything you want. Personally, I don't have the time or energy to live my life "hating" my inlaws. If I don't like how they live their lives, it makes no matter to me. And, that is my children's grandparents and I see no reason why I cannot have a cordial and kind relationship with them regardless. Everyone can choose to allow a burr under their saddle or not. Regardless, these are your spouse's parents so I fail to see why you are wasting so much energy "hating" them. There is enough anger and animosity in the world.