Stay at Home Income loss

[PrincessPerky]

I can't imagine giving up my income and staying at home...

...but then again, I can't imagine having kids either. They give me the heebie jeebies!

That is wonderful honesty..not everyone needs to have kids!

Also miscarriage and difficulty conceiving are much more common than talked about. I have 4 kids, but also a year of marriage before conceiving..and I lost 4... This doesn't mean you will have trouble, just know that if you do, you are not alone, and age may not really matter. Stress is a bigger factor often than age. (when no known medical cause can be found, many adopt...and then get pregnant)

[MonkeyMama]

I am just weirded out that both women seemed to have it together and daycare seemed a snap. Now it's not and they are a wreck.

I also know SAHM who would give anything to work! I've thought that I might not be happy staying at home, but maybe give it a try.

That's the thing. The grass is always greener.

I learned 2 important things having kids.

1 - as you see - you never know how you will feel until you have the kids. (& on top of that every kid is different). I was home with my first maybe 8 weeks and had no problem returning to work. He slept like 5 hours a day so I didn't see what the big deal about working was. My second son I could not return to work full speed for about 9 months. He threw me for a loop. (& that is with a SAHD. He was very clingy to me. & I had post partum issues. Which can make it impossible to work, BTW).

2 - Along the same lines. Since having kids, if I could do it all over, dh and I would both work part-time. Everyone I know who has arranged this is VERY happy. It just brings out a good balance, which is REALLY hard to get with kids. I think it's for this reason we realized daycare a couple of days a week was better for the kids than we ever imagined. It's all about balance. The point is not that everyone should work part-time (since that is hard to arrange). But just points out that a little bit of work and a little bit of staying home is nice, however you can arrange it. Flexible jobs or working at home can make all the difference. When you are stuck working all the time OR home all the time, it's really rough. As you see from your friends.

It's good you are paying attention to all this though. People don't think about these things before kids. So I just wanted to say it's great you are thinking about it.

Truth is you won't be able to figure it out until the child comes. & then as soon as you figure it out, they grow up and everything changes anyway. I REALLY wanted to switch to part-time for a while, but now my kids are starting school, eh. IT all seeems rather moot. By the time we figure it out perfect they are going to be moving out and going to college. Kind of how it seems to go.

[MonkeyMama]

We started trying to have a child when we were both 24 years old. Our first child was finally born this year when we were 28 years old. We tried for 3 years to conceive, including 2 years with doctors involved. There were 3 miscarriages along the way and no explanations for any of it.

Most people under 30 don't need intervention, but you never know if it might happen to you.

Almost everyone I know (20s and 30s) either had their kids completely by accident or needed fertility treatments.

I believe 35 is kind of the tipping point. It's ideal to have kids before 35. Your risk for everything goes up after that. But I know plenty of young people who needed intervention, and it is quite common. You just never know when it will be you.

[SnoopyCool]

I have to go back to work now, and I somewhat regret not working all along (6 years). I feel rusty, out of touch and like I'm starting over.

However, I have enjoyed staying home and would love to continue being a homemaker if it were possible. That, with some tutoring on the side here or there, seems like the perfect balance for me.

I commend you on pre-planning and thinking everything through. You'll definitely find your balance.

[ironicone]

It's a hard decision especially with such a large income. What works for me and my husband is this: we have a five year old daughter and we both work full time. However, he works a nasty rotating shift schedule while I work a steady 4X10 hr day schedule. I am almost always home with my daughter on the weekends and she is home with her dad a lot of the weekdays. All in all, she's at daycare a max of 3 days a week, usually just 1-2. It takes some adjusting and employer flexibility but it works out.
My pay is a little lower than my husband's because of my schedule, but I feel having someone consistent in her life is the way to make it work..
Now that she is in half-day kindergarten, we are looking at having my husband switch to a day schedule. Like everyone else said, eventually you will find something that works right for you, and it all takes some adjusting. Your life and choices you make will also change as your daughter gets older.
I didn't really ever think I could be a stay at home mom, and by the time my 12 week maternity leave was up, I was happy to go back to work. I like being independent and knowing I can support myself, so that was also a big draw for going back to work.

[moneybags]

This is a debate that really gets to me. I'm a 31 years old professional, and while I am not a hard core "career" woman, I love my job and have invested too much in my college education to just drop that and stay home. I would have a hard time getting back into my field and stay current after 5-6 years out of work. I don't think it would ever be the same. There's also the fact that I would probably kill my kids or myself because doing only housework/kids care would not fulfil me. All of my friends with kids work, and while it may be a puzzle at times, none of them completely want to give up their job (but would love a 4 days week!). However, there is a 1 year paid maternity leave, so we don't have to leave 12 weeks infants at the daycare, which is probably very hard.

I would have written the same post before I had kids. I worked FT for the first 3 years and have been home for the last 11. I was never going to stay home. I was a career woman. Never say never.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I am not a die hard career woman but I like the interactions and feeling like I'm contributing.

And I have to be a bit more honest, I didn't want kids until now because I absolutely had to be sure I would stay married. I didn't want to end up a single mom like my mom. Not that it was a bad thing, but I just wanted to have a better relationship. Lack of trust in some ways and making sure my DH was responsible.

I think people with bad experiences hesistate a bit more as well.

[FrugalFish]

I am ready now to start having kids.

But is it hard to have children? I mean most under 30 don't need intervention right? I don't want to wait till we move back, but I know it makes a lot more sense financially.

You won't know until you try! I've known people who started trying in their 20's who never had bio kids, and people who had no problems conceiving in their 40's.

I'm going to throw this out there FWIW- if you and DH are ready, start trying now. Everything else will fall into place. My biggest regret in life is not having babies earlier, because time does run out. I got PG with DD at age 33 on day 1 of trying. Pregnancy was easy and uneventful. Subsequent TTC attempts and PGs ended badly. Now I'm nearing 37 and feel too old to go through TTC and a potential PG again. Not saying it's wrong to get PG at 37, just feel like it's not the right decision for me. You never know what will happen, but when it comes to babies always take the bet of time on your side.

[zetta]

But is it hard to have children? I mean most under 30 don't need intervention right?

The stats I've seen say that for a couple with no issues, there is a 25% chance of conceiving in any month of well-timed, unprotected sex. So most manage to conceive within 4-6 months, and 90% do so without assistance within 18 months.

On the other hand, if you're in the other 10%, you really want to start trying by your early 30's -- your eggs are younger, and between tests and surgeries and scheduling and cycle timing you can have a large amount of time pass very quickly. (For instance, I lost a whole year due to an ovarian cyst.) I think I saw that about a third of couples over age 33 have some problems conceiving. Guidelines say you should see a fertility specialist after 12 months of trying if you're under 35, and after 6 months of trying if you're 35 or over.

Egg quality and chances of getting pregnant decline dramatically after about age 37, and many doctors will not attempt IVF over age 42 without an egg donor.

[Snowgirl]

But is it hard to have children? I mean most under 30 don't need intervention right? I don't want to wait till we move back, but I know it makes a lot more sense financially.

As others have said, it is more common than most people think to experience difficulties conceiving. This is still a topic that's not talked about very openly, but believe me, I've heard too much stories in my workplace it's frightening! Everyone story is different (male factor, female, both, unexplained, ovulation medication, donor sperm, IVF, adoption), and some find a "quicker fix" than other, but for me, after 4 miscarriages in the last 3 years, I'm not even sure I'll ever be a mom. On the other hands, to encourage you, I also know couples that got lucky on the first cycle. So being emotionally ready and having "major" issues worked out is important, just don't wait for financial perfection! (We all know it doesn't exists!)

[skydivingchic]

I'll preface my reply by saying that I do not have children, nor do I want them, so leaving the work force for this particular reason will never be a decision I have to make. So you can take or leave my input.

That said, whenever I read things about (generally) women taking themselves out of the workforce for years at a time, I go . I would hate to see any woman I care about making herself dependant on someone else's income like this and would strongly advise against it. There are far too many risks in my opinion to make it worth it. People die, people become disabled, people have affairs, people develop habits and addictions that you don't want to live with, etc, etc. Too many bad things could happen where you need to get back to work ASAP and/or remove yourself from a relationship. Voluntarily taking years off makes it much more difficult to do so, and as has been pointed out, drastically decreases your earning potential.

The question I ask myself periodically is: "Can I walk away from my relationship tomorrow and maintain my lifestyle?" If the answer to that is no, then I am financially dependant on another person's income and that is unacceptable in my opinion. I also maintain an EF and keep up professional certifications so that I can walk away from my job tomorrow if something catastrophic were to happen and make it relatively easier for me to find another job.

Obviously, having one parent stay home works out well for some people and I understand that. Certainly you should do what is best for you and your family. But you say you enjoy working and the interactions and you have good earning potential, so I have a hard time believing that removing yourself from the workforce for extended periods of time is the answer.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I have no idea either. I thought when I was younger I would work for sure. Now I'm not so sure.

[Well Spent]

I am not a die hard career woman but I like the interactions and feeling like I'm contributing.

And I have to be a bit more honest, I didn't want kids until now because I absolutely had to be sure I would stay married. I didn't want to end up a single mom like my mom. Not that it was a bad thing, but I just wanted to have a better relationship. Lack of trust in some ways and making sure my DH was responsible.

I think people with bad experiences hesistate a bit more as well.

Along these same line, did he explicitly tell you he is ready to begin procreating?It's not enough for you to be ready.

[Well Spent]

I'll preface my reply by saying that I do not have children, nor do I want them, so leaving the work force for this particular reason will never be a decision I have to make. So you can take or leave my input.

That said, whenever I read things about (generally) women taking themselves out of the workforce for years at a time, I go . I would hate to see any woman I care about making herself dependant on someone else's income like this and would strongly advise against it. There are far too many risks in my opinion to make it worth it. People die, people become disabled, people have affairs, people develop habits and addictions that you don't want to live with, etc, etc. Too many bad things could happen where you need to get back to work ASAP and/or remove yourself from a relationship. Voluntarily taking years off makes it much more difficult to do so, and as has been pointed out, drastically decreases your earning potential.

The question I ask myself periodically is: "Can I walk away from my relationship tomorrow and maintain my lifestyle?" If the answer to that is no, then I am financially dependant on another person's income and that is unacceptable in my opinion. I also maintain an EF and keep up professional certifications so that I can walk away from my job tomorrow if something catastrophic were to happen and make it relatively easier for me to find another job.

Obviously, having one parent stay home works out well for some people and I understand that. Certainly you should do what is best for you and your family. But you say you enjoy working and the interactions and you have good earning potential, so I have a hard time believing that removing yourself from the workforce for extended periods of time is the answer.

Excellent points, Skydivingchic. Each person, particularly women, need to keep these ideas in the forefront of their minds when making hue, lifealtering decisions. Women raising children alone is the majority of the poverty-stricken folks out there. I see the devastation povery causes women and their kids everyday, even those women who have HS diplomas and bachelors degrees.

[arthurb999]

I'll preface my reply by saying that I do not have children, nor do I want them, so leaving the work force for this particular reason will never be a decision I have to make. So you can take or leave my input.

That said, whenever I read things about (generally) women taking themselves out of the workforce for years at a time, I go . I would hate to see any woman I care about making herself dependant on someone else's income like this and would strongly advise against it. There are far too many risks in my opinion to make it worth it. People die, people become disabled, people have affairs, people develop habits and addictions that you don't want to live with, etc, etc. Too many bad things could happen where you need to get back to work ASAP and/or remove yourself from a relationship. Voluntarily taking years off makes it much more difficult to do so, and as has been pointed out, drastically decreases your earning potential.

The question I ask myself periodically is: "Can I walk away from my relationship tomorrow and maintain my lifestyle?" If the answer to that is no, then I am financially dependant on another person's income and that is unacceptable in my opinion. I also maintain an EF and keep up professional certifications so that I can walk away from my job tomorrow if something catastrophic were to happen and make it relatively easier for me to find another job.

Obviously, having one parent stay home works out well for some people and I understand that. Certainly you should do what is best for you and your family. But you say you enjoy working and the interactions and you have good earning potential, so I have a hard time believing that removing yourself from the workforce for extended periods of time is the answer.

You don't have any kids yet so you really don't understand how it changes you.