Stay at Home Income loss

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I was wondering, one option, is we are looking at moving back to the West Coast. If that happens, my parents would move to where we live and watch the baby. Not working would no longer need to be considered. And my mom has verbally said this in these exact words "I will move to where you are and watch the baby."

She has refused to come to New England because of the weather. She won't visit me except between end of may to end of September. They live in hawaii if it helps explain her refusal.

Should we wait longer to have kids until we are moving back? We've discussed it but I really want kids and so does my DH. But if it makes sense we could wait longer.

[MonkeyMama]

I was raised by a one-income family. I had to add that my dad gave his work 1000% and was able to because my mom took care of the household/kids. People really overlook this advantage. I find the same with my spouse. I will progress farther in my career as a working mom, because I don't have to take care of sick kids, cook dinner every night, or spend my days doing errands and making phone calls. We've had a lot of working moms come through my office who spent more time taking care of their household than their job. I Don't think 2 wages are necessarily always effective as people imagine. Not if both parties don't give their work their all.

Anyway, my dad was very successful, so I don't think one or two incomes makes or breaks you. IT's how you handle whatever you decide. The more planning the better. (Though we were young my dh saved most of his income for a good 10 years before we had kids. SO we don't feel behind financially with the years off).

It depends on so much though. Some fields it is suicide to take a couple of years off. One reason I say it depends. IT depends on so many factors.

Extended family to help with the kids is priceless. Could be worth waiting for. Just be careful. I know few who are really happy in that situation. A lot of friends who switched to daycare in the end because grandparents had boundary issues and/or didn't respect their wishes. A lot of caregivers who are resentful of how much they are expected to watch kids. IT certainly takes a village, but it is a lot of work to make everyone happy with the situation. I can think of a few kids who would have been 1000% better off in daycare than with family.

[CindyLu322]

I'm a SAHM and I struggled a lot with the decision to stay home. I finally made the decision when I was 30-some weeks pregnant. I didn't want to work full time and if I worked part-time, I wouldn't REALLY make enough to make much over the cost of daycare (when you factored in all the other costs of working like commute, clothing, etc).

It's a decision you have to make with your head AND your heart. And I think it's very hard to make the emotional part of the decision until you have that baby in your arms (or at least kicking your ribs from the inside). I read an article recently that said that families are happiest when mom is doing what she really WANTS to do in regards to working. SAHMs who want to stay home are happy. Working moms who want to work are happy. And happy moms make happy families.

Did I mess up my career by staying home? Definitely. Do I think it's worth it? Definitely.

And as some of the previous posters pointed out, there are benefits to having one spouse at home that don't seem so obvious. For example, I drive an 11 year old van that I bought for $2400. Would I drive that to work everyday across town? No, I would want something more reliable. But it's fine for occassional trips to the grocery store or library.

I also have time to save us a lot of money. I do couponing to save on groceries and cook from scratch a lot. I've worked very hard on getting our finances in order and I'm amazed at how quickly we're getting out of debt and on the road to financial security (with only one modest income).

I also agree with the comment above about how a spouse at home helps the other's career. I really think that me being the caregiver to our child means that DH can focus more on advancing in his career (which his is doing quite well).

There are so many things to weigh. Also, another thing that helped me make the decision was to realize that the decision was not permanent. If I stayed home for 6 months or a year and didnt like it or we were hurting financially, I could find another job. A short amount of time out of the workforce is unlikely to hurt your career too much.

[zetta]

But he says shouldn't we consider that if I stay at home for say 5 years, or work part-time I will lose the income earnings and moving up the payscale and promotions. How do you reconcile this?

If maximizing net worth were the only consideration, you wouldn't have kids at all -- the little critters cost just too darn much! You've decided you want the experience of having and raising kids, and financially you're willing to pay something for that. The decision of whether to stay home or work is an extention of that -- what kind of experience do you want for yourself and your child, and what will it cost you financially and professionally to have it?

The way you reconcile this is to acknowledge that no matter what path you take, there are tradeoffs. You will gain something and you will lose something else.

If you think you'd like to spend a year at home I'd really encourage you to do it -- it's a one time (per kid) opportunity, time you can never get back. While you might feel very secure with your mother watching your kids while you work, it's not the same experience for you as being home with them yourself is.

On the career front, it would be ideal to work 5 years after getting your degree before taking time off. Biologically that's pretty risky. Even a year or two of work before becoming pregnant would make it easier for you to take time off and transition back in.

As for working at home, plan to have someone there to care for the child while you work -- childcare really is a full time job. Naps are not reliable enough to count on getting work done. It's still nice to have the physical proximity -- you can hear that the child is happy, and take little breaks to spend some time with them.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Investing First Steps]

I'd say most of the comments seem to hit on the two main points:

1.) I believe it will cost you as far as your career. There is fairly credible research to point to exactly what Jim mentions, that the "income disparities" between men and women are usually a function of comparing women who took some amount of time off for children, vs. men who did not.

2.) It's more of a personal decision than a financial decision. The kid's not going to be cheap in the first place, so it's clearly not a case of pure value proposition. Does it mean more to you to be home with your kid or to maximize your lifetime earnings?

[FrugalFish]

Well, I'll speak to this from my situation, which was a no-brainer. I'm not well educated (and don't have high earning potential), and I'm relatively introverted. So after having a baby, SAH was the only practical choice, and really the only thing I wanted.

its hard to know how you will behave until you have the child in your arms

That quote is for sure! After I had DD, I really wished I had a great job to go back to. I love her dearly, but the demands of full-time parenthood were weighing pretty heavily on me at that time. I wanted out of the house, and I wanted to talk to grown-ups. It really is too hard to make a judgment about how you will feel until you actually have the kid in the house. I was very surprised about my own feelings after she was born. She's so much fun, but sometimes she's a lot more fun, and we get along better, when I've had time away from her.

It is hard to get much of anything done with a youngin' in the house. My DD is closing in on 3 and, while she's much more easy going than she use to be, it's still hard to get anywhere near as much done as I use to.

OTOH, you can't buy this stuff. They are only young once and time is very, very precious. I remember after the death of a very close loved one it occurred to me that the only thing that really matters is time. Time spent together, laughing and loving. Stuff is just stuff. Time together is the essence of life.

Again, this is one of the most personal decisions there is, and there is no wrong or right, only what works best for you. Don't over-think this one. You will know what the right path is when you get there.

[cptacek]

I was wondering, one option, is we are looking at moving back to the West Coast. If that happens, my parents would move to where we live and watch the baby. Not working would no longer need to be considered. And my mom has verbally said this in these exact words "I will move to where you are and watch the baby."

My best friend has her mother and her mother-in-law living in the same small town as her, and when the baby was born, both of them said that they would watch her son when she was at work. He is now only two, and she is having a hard time getting a commitment out of them to watch him. Part of it is, she isn't paying them anything. And part of it is they already raised their families...now they want more freedom.

Even if your mom has the best intentions and says she will watch the baby and means it, sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

[zetta]

After I had DD, I really wished I had a great job to go back to. I love her dearly, but the demands of full-time parenthood were weighing pretty heavily on me at that time. I wanted out of the house, and I wanted to talk to grown-ups. It really is too hard to make a judgment about how you will feel until you actually have the kid in the house. I was very surprised about my own feelings after she was born. She's so much fun, but sometimes she's a lot more fun, and we get along better, when I've had time away from her.

I have to say I relate to this quote as well. I thoroughly enjoyed being a full-time SAHM for the first year, but around 18 months found myself needing more intellectual stimulation. I might have been able to find it by taking a class, but decided that since I eventually wanted to resume my career, it would be wise to do something that was good for my resume. I found a part-time, work from home job in my field (rare, I know!), and couldn't be happier with the current balance.

Still, when I'm at a meeting with our current client, I see the project manager and the system engineer and know that those are the jobs that really appeal to me, and there isn't a way to move into them while staying part-time. I wonder if I'll be able to get back on track to move into one of those jobs someday, and I just have to have faith that I will find a way to make it happen when the time is right.

[PrincessPerky]

As I work with other parents in volunteer positions (scouts/church) I find that having one parent who does not work is a very BIG advantage.

I have the time to do a lot of what I do..no never enough, but I have no paid work to suffer while a kid is sick, clingy, in a phase, or working on something hard or on a new thing.

Parents who have major tough decisions balancing work and family. Now all folk do, but the more jobs, kids, or whatever obligations you have, the harder it is to balance.

On the other hand I know several folk (IRL) that have just one parent working, homeschooling or otherwise. They (and I) still have to balance, but we find it so much easier...

nothing is perfect, but from conversations of folk who switched here are some things they notice:

-dinner on the table when you get home (do not expect this till baby is semi easy!)
-someone to take care of sick kids with no planning needed
-someone to take kids to speech therapy/drs or whatever no juggling needed
-Someone to take advantage of so many free educational opportunities during the day
-No need to wake kids every day (major advantage to tots!)
-more relaxed homework
-more bedroom time..less talking of work in there, more fun

And....you cannot have your cake and eat it too...meaning you can't have it all, choose what you really want and do it to the best of your ability.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Actually in my career field before going back to graduate school I worked for 4 years, and already have a leg up on a lot of people. I also have certificates necessary from that time with regard to the field. Hence why I can obtain a job a lot easier than most graduating. I've kept up on being certified just in case.

I have to admit something, I am at work right now Saturday morning till noon. And then we're having lunch with a couple who just had a baby 12 weeks ago. She is going to put him in daycare, but when I called her this week to schedule lunch she was CRYING. She doesn't want to go back to work, and I freaked out a bit. I didn't say anything other than it would be okay whatever she chose. BUT this is an MD.

I think they can manage on her husband's salary but she said because of lack of job security and she carries the medical benefits, she has to work. She told me she didn't expect to want to stay at home. She thought she'd just drop him off at daycare and be "cool" working. She's 34.

And about 1 month ago the same thing happened with a collegue. She cried the first week back and I can tell she isn't really happy working. But they need the medical benefits as well, though she told me her husband makes a lot more than her. She's 36 and this is both their 1st babies.

I am just weirded out that both women seemed to have it together and daycare seemed a snap. Now it's not and they are a wreck.

I also know SAHM who would give anything to work! I've thought that I might not be happy staying at home, but maybe give it a try.

And trust me cptacek, my mom would raise my baby. I was raised by my grandmother from 4 weeks old. It is tradition and it would be done period. NO bailing out unless she is sick. Same with MIL. My DH was sent back to his grandmother for a bit to be raised. It's how it is done. Trust me I do hesistate at the level of interference but it is large favor.

[Snowgirl]

This is a debate that really gets to me. I'm a 31 years old professional, and while I am not a hard core "career" woman, I love my job and have invested too much in my college education to just drop that and stay home. I would have a hard time getting back into my field and stay current after 5-6 years out of work. I don't think it would ever be the same. There's also the fact that I would probably kill my kids or myself because doing only housework/kids care would not fulfil me. All of my friends with kids work, and while it may be a puzzle at times, none of them completely want to give up their job (but would love a 4 days week!). However, there is a 1 year paid maternity leave, so we don't have to leave 12 weeks infants at the daycare, which is probably very hard.

And as for waiting to move back to the West to have kids, I wouldn't do it if it's more than a year away, and you feel ready emotionally. If you have trouble getting pregnant (as over 10% couples), you might look back and regret this waiting. We've been on this ride for over 3 years now, and I'm not getting younger... While I do think I wasn't ready earlier, there is still some part of me that wishes we had tried when I was 24-25 instead.

[ScrimpAndSave]

I can't imagine giving up my income and staying at home...

...but then again, I can't imagine having kids either. They give me the heebie jeebies!

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I am ready now to start having kids. I wasn't before mostly because my DH has been going to school part time and I wasn't ready to deal with parenting 100% while he worked and went to school.

Thus it wasn't finances but emotional and being ready in our marriage before we had kids. I definitely have considered that this could be a moot point if we don't concieve immediately.

But is it hard to have children? I mean most under 30 don't need intervention right? I don't want to wait till we move back, but I know it makes a lot more sense financially.

[TBH]

First of all, I think you should get pregnant now and not wait til you move home. The move sounds iffy, more like an idea than a plan, and it sounds like you're ready and he's ready to get pregnant. If you do get pregnant soonish, and stay home for a year, then you could move back 2 years from now and start working again with a 1-year-old being watched by grandma. I agree with people who said you NEED childcare if you're going to work, even if you only work part-time from home. I also agree with people who said it's often possible to tread water in your career and at least not lose any ground by working part-time for a year or five while your kids are small.

I wanted kids so, so badly. Always wanted them. When I was pregnant, we were in a very tenuous financial situation. We hadn't been together very long (1.5 years) and the baby was a surprise. We lived in a very small rental that barely had room for all our stuff (ahem, books). I was on a temporary grant job that was about to end, and his job was steady but paid very little, definitely not enough to live on. Luckily, we had good savings and no debt, and the parents and grandparents (five sets altogether) all gave us small money gifts, so I promised myself I'd stay home with the baby for 6 months. But when I came home from the hospital with this new little person, almost all my new-parent anxiety manifested in financial freak-out. Sure, we had enough to survive for the 6 months I was planning not to work, but what about after that? I started looking for a house to buy (which was much cheaper than renting for us at the time) and a part-time job when my son was less than a week old. I found a part-time job in my field very quickly and started working just a few hours a week when he was only five weeks old.

I worked about 10 hours a week at first, then when he was 3 months I started working 25 hours week. I was working two different part-time jobs. Both of them had pro-rated benefits, and both of them were useful stepping stones in my career. I was very lucky in that regard. One of them was NOT flexible, which was hard, but the other was extremely family-friendly. Everyone in my office had young kids and they were very supportive of me.

I also discovered that I love my son but he and I do not do well together for 10 hours a day. We just don't. Being a SAHM would be absolute torture for me. I like him much better when I see him for half the day and not the entire day.

But I hope I never again have a full time 9-5 job. At this point, I'm working a lot, still doing two part-time jobs and also freelancing. I probably work about 40-50 hours a week. But most of what I do is very flexible. Three days a week, I pick him up at school at 3, so he doesn't have to be in school or childcare 8AM-6Pm like so many kids with working parents. That's important to me. I want him to have down time after school, not be in a chaotic after-school setting so he's ready to melt down by the time he comes home. And it helps that my spouse has been able to go down to part-time for extended periods of time, so we've sort of taken turns being with our son. Like someone said, we feel like we are run ragged. We spend way to much time coordinating calendars and juggling our schedules every week. So that part sucks, but our balance is okay.

I just want to point out--I wanted kids. I got my wish and I adore my kid. But I also like my work. I don't care much about the career ladder, but I would have been uncomfortable neglecting my retirement savings and other financial milestones for several years. And I like the feeling of having both parents equally responsible for parenting AND financial support for the family.

And I'll tell you, I did cry when I left him at daycare at 3.5 months. My beautiful baby got conjunctivitis in his first week at daycare. Blech. But I had a decent balance. He was only in daycare 2 days a week at first, and then it went up to 3 days, and he didn't go more than 3 days a week until he was 3.5 and started going to a preschool with a school week scheduled (5 days a week, but short days).

So being sad and conflicted and tearful when your kid goes to daycare and you go back to work doesn't mean you don't want to work. It means you love your kid and it's hard to let her go. It's hard to learn to contain all that love for your kid and also be yourself and live your own life. I don't think I'll ever be done working on that problem.

Good luck. It sounds like you'll be a great parent.

[CindyLu322]

I am ready now to start having kids. I wasn't before mostly because my DH has been going to school part time and I wasn't ready to deal with parenting 100% while he worked and went to school.

Thus it wasn't finances but emotional and being ready in our marriage before we had kids. I definitely have considered that this could be a moot point if we don't concieve immediately.

But is it hard to have children? I mean most under 30 don't need intervention right? I don't want to wait till we move back, but I know it makes a lot more sense financially.

We started trying to have a child when we were both 24 years old. Our first child was finally born this year when we were 28 years old. We tried for 3 years to conceive, including 2 years with doctors involved. There were 3 miscarriages along the way and no explanations for any of it.

Most people under 30 don't need intervention, but you never know if it might happen to you.