Friend Struggling

[myrdale]

I have a friend who is struggling pretty significantly.

Let me start by pointing my finger at him. It's arguable that he is a hypochondriac, he plays the victim card, he's lazy, he's a hoarder, he is completely unorganized. All that or he is overwhelmed / depressed and has some significant issues.

Over a decade ago before we met, he took a significant fall (over 150 ft on rope). He miraculously survived. After self rescue, he got to the hospital and to discover he had shattered several vertebrae in his lower back. After surgeries to add and remove rods. Other than pain, he fully recovered. Two years ago when we first met, he and I spent a day climbing through a cave.

He was punched in the head breaking up a fight at school (he is a teacher). He claims hearing loss, brain injuries, other problems in his workman's comp. That was probably five years ago?

He claims he has celiac disease. It is a major part of his identity, he talks about it compulsively. That and his ADHA.

In the past year his health as declined significantly. He claims he had a stroke, or at least a series of TIAs, though doctors and x-rays challenge that claim

They have him on medications for depression. He has talked openly about it with me, including the darker side of it (he stated he wish he'd died in the fall). They are changing his medications and that has him loopy. He can sleep an entire day.

He is employed as a teacher. He seems to rile the principle at the school he works at up on a regular occasion. What he would claim is intervening on a student's behalf is arguable sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. He claims the principle is tearing into him every chance he gets, everything he does is wrong.

He is in debt up to his eyeballs. I don't have the details. His ex helped him with a budget recently and he is only $60 positive at the end of the month. But he has maxed out all of his credit cards (again no details). He said his ex wanted to review his bank statements, but he wouldn't let him. That sounded like a red flag.

I've helped him with a few home projects before, and after a trip to town to pick materials up, I was left scratching my head has he continued to buy item after item that weren't part of the project, and personally I'd put in the (needless) "stuff" category.

After two weeks of not answering the phone I finally heard from him yesterday. He told me about the debt and how the lack of energy and pain and work were all getting to him.

I'm planning on spending Saturday with him, but I don't know much of what to recommend. I am sure the pain is real. I think some of the other is in his head. I think the work problems are self imposed. I am curious if he isn't manic depressive at least in part considering the spending, depression and completely impractical projects he comes up with.

For Saturday he wants me to help him do laundry. Wash fold dry put away and organize where we can. I don't mind but I really struggle with the idea of worrying about all the cloths on the floor and needing help with that of all things. At least I know it is something we can tackle.

Beyond just listening, if you have any advice I can share with him it would be appreciated.

[disneysteve]

I think the best thing you can do is be a friend and not try to solve his problems. Listen and nod and be supportive. Don't make assumptions - there are many in your post. Don't make him wrong. Just be there for him. He probably has some significant physical/medical issues from his injuries. He probably has some significant mental health issues. And sure, maybe some of his issues aren't legit, but so what if that's true? You don't need to recommend anything. That's not your place. You're not a medical professional. You're not a mental health professional. He's not coming to you for those purposes. He's coming to you as a friend.

I think your last paragraph is your answer. He wants help with laundry? Go over and help him with laundry. Are there more important things he probably needs to address? Sure. But right now in this moment what he is open to working on is the laundry so that's what you do. I'd stay out of his business otherwise.

[myrdale]

Don't make assumptions - there are many in your post.

For the purpose of the post that is an attempt to describe the situation from the outside looking in.

[Fishindude77]

I think the best thing you can do is be a friend and not try to solve his problems.

This is about all you can do. Spend time with him, help out a bit where you can, take him to lunch, etc.
Sounds like a sinking ship and you won't have enough fingers to plug all the holes. Just be a friend.

[ua_guy]

Ditto what the others have said. Giving unsolicited advice (or judgement) won't fix anything unless he asks for it. Help where he asks for support is what a good friend would provide, as long as you're equipped and willing to give it. Apparently that's companionship and help with laundry on Saturday.

[bjl584]

Just listen as you've already said you do.
If he starts to drag you down or involve you in the chaos, then it might be time to withdraw a little bit.

[myrdale]

If he starts to drag you down or involve you in the chaos, then it might be time to withdraw a little bit.

That is part of the concern on my end.

Earlier this year Josh had mentioned how he'd talked an ex in California into paying the rent for him one month. Later in the spring, he took a trip down to Montgomery for a couple of days. It is only a 3 hour drive and 2 nights in hotel and ran a donation on facebook for funds for the trip.

I have other friends who are bad (average) with money, but none as self destructive as Josh seems to be.

[disneysteve]

For the purpose of the post that is an attempt to describe the situation from the outside looking in.

I understand. My point was more that whether or not you believe that he had a stroke or that he has hearing loss is irrelevant. It doesn't matter it's true or not as far as being there for him is concerned.

[disneysteve]

That is part of the concern on my end.

Earlier this year Josh had mentioned how he'd talked an ex in California into paying the rent for him one month. Later in the spring, he took a trip down to Montgomery for a couple of days. It is only a 3 hour drive and 2 nights in hotel and ran a donation on facebook for funds for the trip.

I have other friends who are bad (average) with money, but none as self destructive as Josh seems to be.

You need to walk that fine line of supporting and helping without enabling. That can be really difficult and sometimes what people want is to be enabled and they can get nasty when they think you aren't "helping" them when by doing what they are requesting, you'd actually be making things worse. Like when an alcoholic wants you to buy him a case of beer.

You can love and care about a person and also not contribute to their downfall. That can include doing things up to and including cutting ties with them.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Sometimes you lose friends. unfortunately that's what's happened to DH and I with a couple who got divorced. That car accident just didn't seem to recover or right the ship.

[disneysteve]

Sometimes you lose friends. unfortunately that's what's happened to DH and I with a couple who got divorced. That car accident just didn't seem to recover or right the ship.

Yep. It's unfortunate when it happens, especially if you've been friends a long time, but it doesn't help you or them to let them pull you down with them.

[myrdale]

Update from the weekend.

We started with dishes. I'd wash and he'd dry and put away.

He collects Fiesta branded plates. He has on the order of 20 each of the plates, saucers, bowls, larger bowls, various others all of which he has collected in the sink for the past two months. In addition to 20 piece each sets of forks / spoons/ those bigger forks and spoons. Nearly two hours later it was done.

Moving on to medications, he has had a literal pile of old bottles in his living room since I was there last a couple months ago. We threw out nearly half. He had nearly the same amount in the bed room which he said he didn't need help with at the moment.

Clearing trash through the house, one example is in the bed room on the floor there were multiple empty Oreo containers. He'd point at them and say "That's what depression looks like". 60 seconds I've place them in the trash bin. Next to them were bags with more non-fiesta branded soup bowls he explained he had to have because they had been marked down. I'm left scratching my head why the 20 bowls in the sink weren't enough.

We got through about four loads of laundry. I wash, dried, and he'd help fold and put away.

One border line miraculous story I will share is when we'd spoken on the phone, I gave him a couple of book recommendations to look into, Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover and Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. He said he was interested into looking into them. I picked a copy of each up for him at the local bookstore the day before visiting. $50 total but totally worth it IF he reads and applies it to his situation (and if he doesn't that is just as well). While walking back to my truck parked at the far end of the parking lot with no one else around, I looked down on the ground by my door and there was a $50 bill.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Update from the weekend.

We started with dishes. I'd wash and he'd dry and put away.

He collects Fiesta branded plates. He has on the order of 20 each of the plates, saucers, bowls, larger bowls, various others all of which he has collected in the sink for the past two months. In addition to 20 piece each sets of forks / spoons/ those bigger forks and spoons. Nearly two hours later it was done.

Moving on to medications, he has had a literal pile of old bottles in his living room since I was there last a couple months ago. We threw out nearly half. He had nearly the same amount in the bed room which he said he didn't need help with at the moment.

Clearing trash through the house, one example is in the bed room on the floor there were multiple empty Oreo containers. He'd point at them and say "That's what depression looks like". 60 seconds I've place them in the trash bin. Next to them were bags with more non-fiesta branded soup bowls he explained he had to have because they had been marked down. I'm left scratching my head why the 20 bowls in the sink weren't enough.

We got through about four loads of laundry. I wash, dried, and he'd help fold and put away.

One border line miraculous story I will share is when we'd spoken on the phone, I gave him a couple of book recommendations to look into, Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover and Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. He said he was interested into looking into them. I picked a copy of each up for him at the local bookstore the day before visiting. $50 total but totally worth it IF he reads and applies it to his situation (and if he doesn't that is just as well). While walking back to my truck parked at the far end of the parking lot with no one else around, I looked down on the ground by my door and there was a $50 bill.

Thank you for your good deed. Sometimes the weight of depression and just getting moving forward is hard.

[ua_guy]

A lot of the habits described could be both symptoms of emotional distress or a lack of discipline. In supporting others who have needed help, once they focus on the root causes like healing trauma, forgiving others, or finding a path forward, a lot of the other symptoms clear up or become the new focus of getting better. But that's work only they can do when they're ready. Hopefully your friend finds healing, some answers, or a path forward.