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How to inspire broke family members?

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  • How to inspire broke family members?

    I heard a quote once, "You can’t force your will on people. If you want them to act differently, you need to inspire them to change themselves." and I just realized that it is actually true. You can't tell broke people to change. You can't tell smokers or alcoholics to change. The only way people are going to change if they got sick and tired of it and they want to change themselves.

    My mom and my younger sister are broke and in debt. They both live together renting an apartment. My mom is 55 doesn't have anything for retirement.

    My mom take home is about $3,400. My sister take home is about $1,400 as part time because she went back to school. My sister will be out of school in 2 years and hopefully she will earn more money. They both have about $25,000 in debt so total of $50,000. Based on their expenses recently, my sister does not have anything remaining in their monthly cash flow but my mom has $1,000 after all expenses that she can put to pay some debts.

    They both don't save money and they don't budget. They are not responsible financially and their income is not that much and I am completely the opposite. I'm not in debt, earning decently and I can say that I am financially responsible. I've been telling them to save and budget money for the last several years and I feel like every time I see them, the discussion will always go to the money talk and I'm sick and tired of it and they are too. I always give them gifts like books and audio from Dave Ramsey but they just don't care.

    We came from a poor background so I promised my mom that I will buy her a house when she retires, either back in her home country where I can buy a big house for her for about $100,000 or in Las Vegas where houses are not that expensive compare here to Los Angeles. 10 years from now, who knows, I can probably cash the whole thing or at least put a lot of downpayment. Besides my promise, I think she wants to depend on her social security and she is hoping that me and my older sister would support her and give her money monthly when she is retired. My older sister is ok financially and they will probably get a lot of inheritance from her husband's father but that's another story.

    Anyway, the big question is, what would you do in my shoes?

    How do I inspire my mother and younger sister to change?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Leo View Post
    The only way people are going to change if they got sick and tired of it and they want to change themselves.

    they just don't care.


    How do I inspire my mother and younger sister to change?
    I think you answered your own question.

    You can't fix other people. They need to want to fix themselves. Until they hit rock bottom and realize their behavior needs to change, nothing you say or do will make a bit of difference.
    Steve

    * Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.
    * Why should I pay for my daughter's education when she already knows everything?
    * There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Leo View Post

      My mom and my younger sister are broke and in debt. They both live together renting an apartment. My mom is 55 doesn't have anything for retirement.


      We came from a poor background so I promised my mom that I will buy her a house when she retires, either back in her home country where I can buy a big house for her for about $100,000 or in Las Vegas where houses are not that expensive compare here to Los Angeles. 10 years from now, who knows, I can probably cash the whole thing or at least put a lot of downpayment. Besides my promise, I think she wants to depend on her social security
      Doesn’t help that she can expect you to pay for her next house. Not very motivated based on the information provided.

      Your sister needs to get out of the house before she picks up more of your mom’s bad habits. I would recommend that you give your sister “If you can” by William Bernstein.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Leo View Post
        I promised my mom that I will buy her a house when she retires
        Originally posted by Jluke View Post
        Doesn’t help that she can expect you to pay for her next house.
        Where does she live now? Why does she need you to buy her a house when she retires?

        If she has always been poor and knows she will have a paid for house and a Social Security check every month, what more does she need? Where is the motivation for her to save money?
        Steve

        * Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.
        * Why should I pay for my daughter's education when she already knows everything?
        * There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.

        Comment


        • #5
          They live in an apartment sharing rent. My younger sister cannot afford a place by herself. My mother does not have anything and I'd like to take care of her and buy her a house when she retires.

          Comment


          • #6
            If you are all sick and tired of talking about money, just stop. Find other things to talk about! We all want our family and friends to do better, but if they don't have the desire within themselves they aren't going to do it. Just let it go. Maybe someday things will change and they will know to ask you for advice or seek out the books you have provided.
            My other blog is Your Organized Friend.

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            • #7
              So we can assume you have the financial resources to buy this house without putting your own situation at risk? If not you might not be making the right decision for either them or yourself.

              Is this based on a family cultural requirement or just you wanting to help your family?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Drake3287 View Post
                So we can assume you have the financial resources to buy this house without putting your own situation at risk? If not you might not be making the right decision for either them or yourself.

                Is this based on a family cultural requirement or just you wanting to help your family?
                I won't label it. You can say it might be a cultural thing, or might be a poor people mentality, or immigrant attitude, or whatever but at the end of the day, I just want to help my mom when she retires because I know that she doesn't have anything and she doesn't have a place to go to. My dad passed away when we were kids and since then, I promised myself that I will be successful and I will take care of my mom.

                I don't have the financial resources to do it now and she's not retiring now. Let say I got 10 years before she retires, I'm confident that by that time, I should be able to buy her a house without putting my own situation at risk.

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                • #9
                  Okay, maybe it is s cultural thing, but when your mom hits a certain age and can retire, if her income isn't high enough she should be eligible for senior citizen housing where they take 1/3 her income for her rent and she keeps the rest to live on. Buying her a house, buys her more problems. Are you planning on paying the property taxes on the house. If you mom doesn't save even with a $1000 leftover after rent and utilities, what makes you think that she will save up for those Taxes that just keep going up? Also the fire insurance and upkeep of the place. There is so much more to owning a house than the house. Which is why so many folks get into difficulty when they have bought a house with the bank's okay but they totally left out of their number crunching taxes, insurance and what not.

                  Your mother is no longer living 'poor'. I would love to have the take home that she does. You shouldn't be shorting yourself for income and your retirement funds and if married your family. Even if you aren't married now but get married in the next ten years will your spouse be willing to see that money go into a house for your mother? That is a lot of outgo to be thinking about.
                  Gailete
                  http://www.MoonwishesSewingandCrafts.com

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                  • #10
                    Adding my voice to the facts outlined by Gailete and others. You will serve your mom's needs more effectively by collecting facts about programs and entitlement she may be able to access as a senior. What subsidized housing is available, at what age can she apply and be added to the list? What low cost/subsidized programs are available in your community? Electric? heat? What does she need to know to access? Is there a transportation subsidy?Will her income gain her access to food banks or subsidies? What restrictions are imposed by medicare? What cultural, community service groups offer support and how will she access social, low cost, no cost activities.

                    What can you do to help mom go through belongings to identify what is used, loved and needed? Are there any items in good condition that are no longer used and therefore no longer needed? Can they be sold? Try a photo, brief write up for FB sell page and CraigsList. Price according to listed examples or what mom would pay for used items. If clothes and household goods don't sell well in your area, she can bless others by donating to a Thrift she is comfortable supporting. There are a great many people in need. I mention all this because identifying items mom 'spent good money on' that didn't bring joy or serve a need, might help her re evaluate current and future spending.
                    Last edited by snafu; 12-09-2017, 07:14 PM.

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                    • #11
                      Leo, I have a feeling you are going to try your best to buy your mother a house. I suggest that you start a savings plan that is specifically for that house. Of course, your wife needs to agree to a plan like that. That will reduce your effective family income, so the two of you need to keep in mind that savings for yourselves (and any kids) will probably be reduced as will the amount of money you can spend on your other needs and desires.

                      Refrain from making any specific promises about the house, such as, "It will be in Las Vegas," "It will have three bedrooms," "It will be at the top of a hill," "It will have a pool," "It will have a south-facing glass wall," "It will be within a half mile of my house." Wait till you have your years of savings, your mother is retired, her retirement needs are clearer, and your ability to pay is more certain.
                      "There is some ontological doubt as to whether it may even be possible in principle to nail down these things in the universe we're given to study." --text msg from my kid

                      "It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." --Frederick Douglass

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                      • #12
                        I agree with CCF. Best to be quiet and lead a by example. Try your best and when they are ready they will come to you and ask.
                        LivingAlmostLarge Blog

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by LivingAlmostLarge View Post
                          I agree with CCF. Best to be quiet and lead a by example. Try your best and when they are ready they will come to you and ask.
                          And you may have to accept the fact that they may never be ready.

                          But that doesn't mean that you need to impoverish yourself to help your mom who is blowing through her money. That is what enabling is all about. Your mom is making $40K take home a year! I can guarantee you that plenty of families live on that amount. It is doable. I've never made that much in my life, but that didn't mean I didn't pay my bills.

                          Sounds so much like your mom may, in the back of her mind, be planning on you helping her out come retirement. I noticed the second read through of your original post, not only did you promise her a house, but a big house. Why does a woman once her kids are gone need a big house? That just means higher utilities, taxes and insurance like I mentioned before, plus more to clean and keep up. Unless your mom is a ball of fire at this point, is she going to want to spend her days in retirement cleaning a big house? I know it isn't on my list of things to do. I have to pay someone to come in twice a month to help with the dishes and cleaning bathrooms, because physically I can no longer do it. What I wanted to live in during my 30' & 40's is much different than the reality of my 60's!

                          You sound like a wonderful son in how you want to care for your mom. Mom's love their wonderful sons. My son popped in for a few minutes this week while my cleaning lady was doing her thing. He introduced himself and then thanked her for her help. As he left a few minutes later, he thanked her again. He knew how much I depend on her and also how I depend on him for helping me get groceries and run errands. That kind of thing brings tears to my eyes and even more when I remember he is my autistic son! Those might be the more important things for you to be planning with your mom with as she ages, helping her find an affordable place to live, helping her to be sure she can physically get to appointments, groceries, etc. helping to make sure if when physical ailments kick in that you can help provide that care. If you fork out all your extra for a house for her, you may find that you can't afford the kind of help that she really will need. Depending on the state you are in, if she needs to go to a nursing home and have Medicaid eventually pay for her care, since she isn't married, they will over the course of time, have a lien put on the house that YOU paid for if it is in her name entirely, to cover the cost of her care. One of the reasons you don't want to fork out a lot to her as she ages that Medicaid will see as their right to take. The less she actually owns, the easier it will be financially. Of course she may never end up in a nursing home, but when making plans for an elderly person, these sorts of things need to be looked at. Keeping funds in your possession, means if she does go to a nursing home, you can help provide her with the funds that makes her life a little nicer, trips to the beauty shop in the home, clothing, TV and cable if not provided, cell phone, a computer, etc. she may not be into these things, but when I was still working, most peoples entire SS check other than $30 for personal needs went to pay for their care and Medicaid picked up the rest. I would hope that the $30 amount has been bumped up after 15 years, but can you imagine buying shoes, new glasses, dentures, hearing aids, clothes, snacks, hair dos, etc. on a minimal amount like that? Lots of things for you to research and be clear on prior to making a gift of a house. Would you want her living with you in your home or in a MIL apartment built on to a house. Will your partner want that much going out to your mom, especially if they too have elderly parents that need help.

                          Just trying to help you out and explain things to you as I would in person. I think your desire is admirable, but might be achieved in a much better way that will be of far more help to your mom.
                          Gailete
                          http://www.MoonwishesSewingandCrafts.com

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                          • #14
                            It's highly unlikely that you are going to be able to influence your mother. After all, she's the mom and you're the son, she's been doing things the way she has for 55 years, and she has assurance from you that she will not be homeless in retirement. I do agree with Joan that as far as a potential home purchase for your mother, do not promise any specifics, start saving now, and make sure your spouse is on-board with the plan.

                            As far as your sister, there may be some hope ... not a lot, but a little. I think the best thing you can do is set a good example and take advantage of small "teachable moments." Don't talk at her, show her. For example, if you go grocery shopping together, and if you work with a budget, let her see you put something from your cart back on the shelf because it's not in your budget. And if she makes some comment like "come on, you can afford that" just calmly reply "yes, I can, but it would put me over budget and that would take money away from my more important savings goals" ... or something like that. Or, offer to forgo exchanging holiday gifts (if that is something the two of you do) so that she can focus on her student loan debt. Or, something similar (your specific "teachable moments" will depend on your interactions with your sister). And just in general let her know that you are available to be a sounding board if she wants to talk about finances. But don't push anything on her. Most of all, just be a good example to her, and offer her encouragement any time she takes a step in the right direction with her finances.

                            Good luck.

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