What advice would you give this 25-year-old?

[FIREseeker]

My cousin is a 25-year-old who lives with his parents. He's doing well financially (at least $50,000). He is frugal as well. But his social life is taking quite the hit. It's because he lives with his parents in suburbia.

What would you tell him to push him out of the house? I don't really want anyone to get riled up by this question. He is respectful to his parents. His parents enjoy him being around for the most part.

However, I feel that he's perhaps wasting his 20's by living with his parents. He's a bit socially awkward and I kind of think he's living at home to escape all that anxiety of meeting new people. I just don't want to see him regret not moving out sooner...

Maybe I'm just meddling. But I feel like he doesn't want to be there, it's just easy for him. What can I say to motivate him to grow up a little?

[Fishindude77]

Somebody will probably disagree with this answer, saying it's fine to live with your parents in your 20's because they did it and turned out fine, etc.

At 25, you are seven years into legal adulthood. If you are still living at the house with the parents you will be viewed by your peers (and potential girlfriends) as a bit of a weirdo. The longer you stay there the more they will think that and steer clear of you.

In most cases, I feel like this is a parenting issue rather than the kids fault. I think many parents like having the kid(s) around for the social aspect of it, somebody to talk to, etc. They treat the kid as a "buddy" rather than their child and are doing them a disservice. Grow a pair and push your kid out into the world to live on their own and make their own way.

[Singuy]

Somebody will probably disagree with this answer, saying it's fine to live with your parents in your 20's because they did it and turned out fine, etc.

At 25, you are seven years into legal adulthood. If you are still living at the house with the parents you will be viewed by your peers (and potential girlfriends) as a bit of a weirdo. The longer you stay there the more they will think that and steer clear of you.

In most cases, I feel like this is a parenting issue rather than the kids fault. I think many parents like having the kid(s) around for the social aspect of it, somebody to talk to, etc. They treat the kid as a "buddy" rather than their child and are doing them a disservice. Grow a pair and push your kid out into the world to live on their own and make their own way.

Not everyone is a social butterfly. My wife's brother is pretty much the same way. They actually have anxiety from meeting or talking to strangers. It's probably a psychological condition which probably needs many sessions to overcome.

I don't think it's the parent's fault, because my wife's parents treat both children equally, one is social and the other one is anti-social..so what can you do...

[ua_guy]

Well, yeah, you're probably meddling a bit, but peer pressure is good, especially if it's to encourage him to be independent and to enjoy all the things that fully-fledged adult life offers at that age.

I'd say it's past time for him to be living on his own, but I think it's fine if he doesn't want to be outwardly social or take his time meeting new people. Sometimes that's just a difference of personality and it doesn't mean he's "wasting" his life--how he spends his time and how he values that time, is up to him.

If his parents are enabling him, then he'll probably continue to stick with them until they tell him it's time to move on. Shaming him probably won't do anything but make his anxiety worse. Maybe ask him if he wants to go look at places, just for fun? Show him what's out there?

[MonkeyMama]

*shrugs*

People move on their own timeline. I say that as someone who hasn't lived with parents since turning 18 (but everyone thought that was weird too; in my peer group living home at 25 was pretty normal). I shrugged when you mentioned the social awkwardness. Not that he doesn't need a push or some advice, but it's hard to say without knowing the details.

That said, it clearly falls on the parents on some level, who let him stay there. As long as they provide a home for him, he's not going to have much motivation to move out. In contrast, I wouldn't have been welcome to live with my parents in my 20s and so I never would have considered it an option. There's clearly very different expectations in your cousin's relationship with his parents.

My parents do have friends with kids who never moved out (I am almost 40; these kids are my age) and who have never particularly worked. That's a whole other thing, but I don't know if there is much you can do when the parents enable to that level. (I presume this is a whole other thing because at least cousin has income and savings?)

[kork13]

Meddling? Yes. Realistically, if he & his parents are happy with the arrangement, he's productive & successful in society (has a decent job, provides meaningful value to his community), I would personally not worry about it too much.

With that said, if the situation is going to change, it has to happen through one of the players, not an outsider (yourself). Assuming it is the healthy, positive relationship you make it sound like, if one or both of his parents were to encourage him to venture out on his own, whether to pursue a new job elsewhere, just move out of the house, or even just work to develop a stronger social network (maybe even start dating someone), he would likely start shifting toward that. Alternately, something external (most likely, either a sibling or trusted friend/relative) could inspire him to want something different. He would need to see something better than what he has, and have a desire to pursue it. Likely, his minimal social life is why he hasn't found that spark.

Bottom line, I'd personally say it's not your problem/business. However, if you feel the need to help him get out of his parents' home, encouraging him to develop his social network is probably how that will happen. Help him get out to meet people, or just get him out doing fun things where he can meet new people. That's about the extent of what I think you can or should try to do for him.

[Jluke]

There are a lot of assumptions and inferences being made by the OP (extrovert?) so it is tough to know for sure the real story.

An introvert, whether living on their own or living at home, will still be an introvert.

Hopefully he has a master plan to establish a secure financial start while other people his age are throwing their money away at bars, concerts, vacations, etc. and renting rather than owning. Yes, he is losing the thrills of being 20-something, but that may lead to a more rewarding and stress free financial future.

To each their own.

[snafu]

yo

I wondered what activities your cousin likes? Would you consider gifting him membership in a gym that is popular with 21 - 30 y/o? If you can identify activities he likes or has talent, you could help by inviting him to go with you to a social opportunity event, class/lecture or networking for example.

Does his church offer socials for singles? Do you think he'd actually try speed dating if you gifted a ticket? I'd hesitate suggesting he leave home for fear of isolating him without a social network.

[bjl584]

I was 26 when I left the nest. I wanted to save up for a house and avoid apartment life. I grew up in the country, so renting an apartment was something that I wanted no part of. My Dad didn't mind me hanging around a few years past college. I paid him rent and I helped out around the house. Cleaning, cooking, shopping, mowing grass, etc. It worked for my situation. Everyone's is different. Who knows why your cousin is still at home. The only way to know for sure is to sit down and talk with him.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Hmm, maybe I'd ask him whether cousin FIREseeker might be looking for a roommate.

[FrugalFish]

The most important thing to remember is that you can't want something for someone else that they don't want for themselves.

ITA with the others. If you think he is missing out on a social life that would benefit him, then help him get some positive reinforcement in that light. If you were to help him socialize, and he decides he wants more of that including a life away from his parents, it will happen all on its own.

DH and I both grew up in a time and place of 'nuclear families' where kids were expected to somehow be independent at the age of 18. Personally, I think that's highly overrated and it's more important to have good boundaries, responsibilities, and interpersonal, adult relationships than it is to live in a separate location.

[disneysteve]

He's a bit socially awkward and I kind of think he's living at home to escape all that anxiety of meeting new people.

I don't understand what this has to do with anything. Living on his own won't require him to be more socially outgoing or meet new people any more than living with his parents does. I've lived on my own since graduating college. I lived alone for 7 years until I got married. It wasn't because I was socially awkward. I had friends who I got together with regularly. I was also in grad school for the first 4 of those years.

For some reason that is beyond my comprehension, staying at home with the parents has become the new normal.

[FrugalFish]

For some reason that is beyond my comprehension, staying at home with the parents has become the new normal.

At least where I live, it's often a matter of safety and finances. If a young person can begin to afford an apartment (even with roommates), many of the apartments have high crime rates and high rents. Depending on where a person lives, it's not always practical or realistic.

The problem I see with some young people, and their parents, is that they seem to have an unhealthy codependent relationship. Too often it's like there hasn't been a realignment from child to adult. Our former neighbor was from a country where adult relatives routinely live together as a matter of practicality. They made it look effortless, there was respect and transition to adulthood, no coddling, no holding on to the youngster the adult children had once been.

Though my child is young still, I wouldn't expect an older form of her to live in an unsafe place because it was the only thing she could afford- she would be welcome in our house as long as she was productive. OTOH, I do hope and pray that she will be able to go out into the world and have an independent life (though she's introverted, she's also quite independent). There's something very character building about struggling and building up an adult life by your own hand.

[phantom]

I really doubt his social life is suffering because he lives in the suburbs with his parents. It is much more likely his social life is suffering because he's socially awkward, and it is entirely possible that he doesn't think his social life is suffering at all.

If you really want to help, I would talk to him more generally about what he wants, and what he can do to better help get him there. Maybe there are activities he would like to do more, but can't because of where he lives (attending sporting events, attending cultural events, visiting particular clubs or bars). Maybe there are things he would like to do, but can't without a place of his own (entertain guests, get a pet, take up home renovation as a hobby). If any of those are things he wants, you should be able to make a case for moving out. If not, maybe there's no problem with where he lives, but maybe you can offer other ideas for meeting his other goals.

Personally, I lived in the suburbs with my parents until the age of 27, and I don't regret a minute of it. Like bjl584, I wanted to avoid living in an apartment, and I was happy to live with my parents till I could save up for a downpayment. I ended up meeting a guy I wanted to marry, and that pushed my move out schedule up by a year or two.

[FLA]

did he go away to college and manage ok? if so, even if an introvert he couldn't avoid all social interaction for 4 yrs. If he handled that, has friends, seems happy, I wouldn't push it. Maybe he's reaping the financial rewards of living there, saving for a house, retirement.

Unless he seems miserable, if he did or is doing the above, I wouldn't say much about it beyond maybe, "hey, I saw this amazing apt downtown. Do you see yourself ever living there as a change of pace?" If he says 'no', you have your answer to the whole shebang.

I lived with my parents for two months after college. My dad had all these theories, like how important it is to have had your own apt before you get married. That sounded like a good idea. Also, it was implied that you manage your finances and don't plan on coming home living with them unless you are dying, lol.