Help! My parents coddle my lazy 28-year-old brother.

[Fishindude77]

Always kind of had in the back of my mind, that if one of my kids got in a pinch and wanted to move back in, that wasn't going to happen. Not good for them or us. I would much rather rent them a place free and clear for a time period or help clean up some of their bills to give them a fresh start, than see them move back home.

[Bright]

If anyone has a proven method for parents with adult children to force a 46 years old to work and be independent. I will be printing it out and delivering it! Seriously they are both getting what they need from the situation even if it is screwed up. Only the parent can force the change if they are willing. We see this in some close family. Mommy gets to be needed and the 46 year old child gets to be coddled and treated like a baby. I tried telling Mommy when she is gone the siblings will not be supporting their 46 year old sibling so maybe they should cut the apron strings. There is always and excuse. Plain and simple this codependent relationship meets their needs. YUCK

[ExcuseMyIgnorance]

Why does he have to pay for healthcare? He would only need to do that if he filed a tax return. Doesn't sound like that's an issue for him.

I think mom makes him file one each year, even if he has very little to report. He helps on my uncle's farm sometimes and that's taxed. I can't imagine it's enough to report but maybe it is.

He's on Obamacare now I guess and he pays around $100/month.

[FrugalFish]

Out of curiosity- does he socialize? Have friends? You make him sound like he hides away in the basement all day and does not interact much with other people. Learning now that your mother doesn't want this for him, but does not know what to do about it, it makes me wonder what types of social issues or anxiety he might have.

[ExcuseMyIgnorance]

Out of curiosity- does he socialize? Have friends? You make him sound like he hides away in the basement all day and does not interact much with other people. Learning now that your mother doesn't want this for him, but does not know what to do about it, it makes me wonder what types of social issues or anxiety he might have.

Yes, he does stay in the basement most of the day. He has one friend from high school he still sees occasionally. They shoot guns together sometimes or play video games.

He does have anxiety issues. However, there was a time he was in college. He did alright for himself. He was in a fraternity and he even had a sort of gf at one point. He's not strange. But after 7 years and nothing to show, mom and dad said they couldn't keep paying for him if he was never going to graduate. He left school and so began his basement life.

It's really weird because when you confront him (politely) about any of this, he pretends it isn't true. I've even heard him make fun of people who still live with their parents. He talks down about other people who work menial jobs. He's never even had a real job. It's like deep denial.

[dawnwes]

There's nothing so mundane that a good psychologist can't twist into a horrible disease.

There ARE indeed valid psychological issues that prevent adults from working. It isn't a horrible disease at all. It is a condition that makes it very difficult to function in society.

It sounds like the OP's brother would benefit from counseling and anti anxiety medication.

[dawnwes]

If he has no job, how is he paying for health insurance and video games?

[Fishindude77]

While i recognize that there are cases of mental illness that require professional treatment, I'd be pretty surprised if it was the case here.

Parents need to grow a pair and boot him out, and brother needs to get his rear end into a full time job and start realizing what it's like to get up every morning and put in a hard days work. He needs to pay for his own stuff, keep a roof over his head, feed himself, do his own shopping, laundry, etc. As soon as he starts doing that stuff, confidence, maturity and self pride will follow.

[ua_guy]

While i recognize that there are cases of mental illness that require professional treatment, I'd be pretty surprised if it was the case here.

Parents need to grow a pair and boot him out, and brother needs to get his rear end into a full time job and start realizing what it's like to get up every morning and put in a hard days work. He needs to pay for his own stuff, keep a roof over his head, feed himself, do his own shopping, laundry, etc. As soon as he starts doing that stuff, confidence, maturity and self pride will follow.

Or he'll end up on someone else's couch.

I think it's still possible for people to enlist in branches of the military up until their 34th birthday. Maybe OP's brother could take that for a spin.

[avil_saver36]

They treat him like a baby. In reality, he could go out and actually get a job (he lives in their basement) but instead he just watches about 10 hours of television a day. When he's not doing that, he plays video games.

I recently read The Millionaire Next Door. The authors said these situations are common. Where one sibling (me) works hard and the other doesn't. What happens in the end is the parents end up giving their inheritance to the lazy son because they see him as needing it more.

That's terribly unfair.

And it's not so much I'm looking forward to an inheritance. Rather, I'm sick of seeing him sponging off my parents as much as he already does (he drives their cars, eats their food... he doesn't pay for anything except healthcare because now he has to). And he pays for most of his video games, I guess.

Has anyone helped their brother get out of a (10-year) rut? HOW CAN I??? It's terribly sad to watch and it makes me angry. What a hit of emotions.

Having been at the receiving end of a brother who always did not endorse my choices and constantly tried to boss me around telling me "what was good for me", I can say this: "just stay away and let your brother handle his life any way he can". I feel that if you tried to "help" him according to your definition of help, he will resent you more.

Are you married? Have kids? I believe the only people you should try to influence is your immediate and true family - spouse and kids. Even kids - you have to lose the control as they start growing up.

It is natural that you are probably angry because the brother is spending your parent's money. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do. Success is often resented - cherish your success and move on. Do you need their inheritance that badly? Try to come around to the idea that you will not get the inheritance. Make peace with it.

Finally, if you genuinely want to help the brother, hang out with him - do it slowly. Watch TV with him. Play video games if you must. Take him out. Slowly earn his trust. Slowly try to influence him and get him out of his rut. Do not criticize whatever he is doing. Do not judge him by your standards. He is not you - you are probably more talented, hard working and motivated, and he is not. So what? Being lazy is not a crime - lots of people are. Once you really come around with that idea and accept him for what he is, you might be able to help him.

You don't have to do this. If you have a family and life of your own, you are probably better off not doing it. The best you can do is just stay away and let him find his own life.

I hope it works out. Best,

[ronb]

Or he'll end up on someone else's couch.

I think it's still possible for people to enlist in branches of the military up until their 34th birthday. Maybe OP's brother could take that for a spin.

+1 about the military. If he likes video games and shooting guns - it sounds like the military is right up his alley.