Help! My parents coddle my lazy 28-year-old brother.

[ExcuseMyIgnorance]

They treat him like a baby. In reality, he could go out and actually get a job (he lives in their basement) but instead he just watches about 10 hours of television a day. When he's not doing that, he plays video games.

I recently read The Millionaire Next Door. The authors said these situations are common. Where one sibling (me) works hard and the other doesn't. What happens in the end is the parents end up giving their inheritance to the lazy son because they see him as needing it more.

That's terribly unfair.

And it's not so much I'm looking forward to an inheritance. Rather, I'm sick of seeing him sponging off my parents as much as he already does (he drives their cars, eats their food... he doesn't pay for anything except healthcare because now he has to). And he pays for most of his video games, I guess.

Has anyone helped their brother get out of a (10-year) rut? HOW CAN I??? It's terribly sad to watch and it makes me angry. What a hit of emotions.

[ua_guy]

I have a sister who is polar-opposite of me in terms of finances. What she does, and what she and my parents agree to is absolutely none of my business.

With regards to her money matters and anything my parents are doing to help, my job is to "keep the peace"-- refraining from making any judgemental remarks, giving unsolicited financial advice, and generally steering clear of discussing anything money-related when the whole family is together. It's better this way, because if I spoke my mind, I'm pretty sure my sister would never speak to me again.

[summerdsea]

I can relate! My sister is almost 30 and still at home and doesn't pay any bills. She has had a rough patch (when she got divorced), but she has used and stolen upwards of 100,000 from my parents. My mom coddles her because she is worried about my sister (since she dealt with depression). My sister has a part time job and is getting healthier and happier now, but she still doesn't have any responsibility. I told my mom she is enabling her and not helping her to have a happy, successful life. It blows my mind. I can relate!
My advice is just to keep doing your thing, stay positive, love them, and if they ask for advice give them some in the nicest way possible. I just had to remind myself I needed to keep doing what was best for myself and my own family and it isn't my responsibility if my mom wants to hinder my sisters financial development. Just take a deep breath and try to let the negativity and frustration go.

[FrugalFish]

My advice is just to keep doing your thing, stay positive, love them, and if they ask for advice give them some in the nicest way possible. I just had to remind myself I needed to keep doing what was best for myself and my own family and it isn't my responsibility if my mom wants to hinder my sisters financial development. Just take a deep breath and try to let the negativity and frustration go.

ITA with this. Your parents know what they are doing- we could debate the unfairness or the unintended consequences- but it sounds like this is the relationship they CHOOSE to have with him, and he with them. Anything you say or do that comes across as critical of their relationship will probably just reflect back on you as being bitter

[HappySaver]

There's a big difference between living at home and being financially irresponsible/dependent, and spending 10 hours/day watching TV, plus video games.

Your brother sounds seriously depressed or at the very least emotionally troubled. That sort of behavior is not just laziness. I think you should worry about that first.

[Fishindude77]

For starters, glad to hear you have self pride and are making your own way. This is a parenting issue, and although it is a problem to you, it's not really your problem to deal with.

Your parents need to grow a pair and push your brother into getting a job and working towards getting him out of the house. If they don't do it soon, he may never grow up and be able to take care of himself. I'd talk to your parents, not your brother. They are doing him a terrible disservice by allowing him to live the "Big Lebowski" lifestyle.

Family visits may be a bit uncomfortable if this continues, but forge ahead with your own life and don't get too hung up on something you can't control.

[Nika]

Ask your parents, that if they continue this "support" for few more decades while they are alive, and than leave him money after they die... by the time he goes through that money and has no more coming(and he will ran out, even if they leave him every sent they have, because he is not skilled at managing life), at that age it will be too late for him to start a career, a life, a family. He would have wasted his life and be completely non-adaptable to the real world. Is that what your parents have in mind for him?

[Nutria]

That sort of behavior is not just laziness.

There's nothing so mundane that a good psychologist can't twist into a horrible disease.

[Nutria]

Has anyone helped their brother get out of a (10-year) rut? HOW CAN I??? It's terribly sad to watch and it makes me angry. What a hit of emotions.

You can't help him.

But you can tell your parents that you completely disapprove of how they treat him and think that it's a horrible influence on your children -- which it is -- and so you won't be bringing the kids to visit anymore.

Cruel? Yes.

But to whom? Your parents, or your children? Obviously, your parents.

But which set (parents or children) requires your primary attention? Your children. Thus, your parents -- who are grown-ups which have made their own bed and must live with the consequences of those actions -- must suffer for the good of your children.

[Nutria]

Your parents need to grow a pair

It's virtually guaranteed that it's his over-compassionate mother who's encouraging this, and the father is acquiescing to her.

No intestinal fortitude in the foreseeable future.

[rennigade]

Wow excusemyignorance...you have a lot going on. From wanting to move abroad, to investing in classic cars, to issues with your family, to computers failing, to inheritance...how do you keep up with it all?

[riverwed070707]

You can't help him.

But you can tell your parents that you completely disapprove of how they treat him and think that it's a horrible influence on your children -- which it is -- and so you won't be bringing the kids to visit anymore.

Cruel? Yes.

But to whom? Your parents, or your children? Obviously, your parents.

But which set (parents or children) requires your primary attention? Your children. Thus, your parents -- who are grown-ups which have made their own bed and must live with the consequences of those actions -- must suffer for the good of your children.

OP isn't married and doesn't have (or want) any children. That said, i think those of you that want to tell your parents how to raise their kids are overstepping. Be thankful for the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and move on with your life. Their parenting as well as their inheritance is not your business or open to your input. Be thankful for what you have and what you can afford because you made good choices and don't have to rely on their support to live. The end.

[Nutria]

OP isn't married and doesn't have (or want) any children. That said, i think those of you that want to tell your parents how to raise their kids are overstepping. Be thankful for the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and move on with your life. Their parenting as well as their inheritance is not your business or open to your input.

Ah. Then, completely agree with you: it's none of ExcuseMyIgnorance's business how one set of adults (legally) treats another adult.

(Of course, I'd be pretty irked if my parents were coddling a healthy adult, too, and wouldn't hesitate to vent my spleen if the topic came up. But I'd also keep my wife and kids away...)

[ExcuseMyIgnorance]

Thanks, guys. So much advice I can't possibly respond to it all.

My brother was diagnosed with ADD in about 5th grade and uses that as an excuse for not focusing on anything in life. But I know he can if he tried - he just wallows in self-pity. We all have our obstacles. Yeah, and he did really well on his ACT's. A 29, I think.

Ultimately, you guys are right.. I don't think I do have any say in this matter. But it is so sad to watch. Ridiculously sad.

And my parents are in their mid-60s. I asked my mom the other day and she wants to move to a smaller place. Will my brother go with? Ha but he might try. Maybe mom just wants to move so they can leave him behind. Deep down she doesn't want this for her son. But she's coddling him. She needs to learn tough love.

[bjl584]

Why does he have to pay for healthcare? He would only need to do that if he filed a tax return. Doesn't sound like that's an issue for him.