Would you contact your birth parents?

[Kabe]

Congrats on finding your birth mother!

My opinion is to be careful. You need information and it's fair that you get it, but she's also not your mom (or dad; the person who raised you, took care of you, made you lunch in school, bought you clothes, grounded you when you needed it). I think a situation like yours can get emotionally frustrating quickly and cause you stress, and nobody needs more stress.

Regardless of what you do, always make sure its in your best interest. And who knows, maybe she'll be super crazy excited to meet you!

[Kabe]

my dad was a crackhead, so i would not call him. he beat up my mom

That's a good reason not to call him.

[dawnwes]

This is just too strange.

After I commented on this thread about my attempt 14 years ago to locate my birth family, I received a call from the adoption agency where I was adopted through, telling me that my birthmother has requested my information. She also signed a release of her info to be sent to me.

Almost two weeks ago now I received her name, address, and phone number.

It is amazingly overwhelming to me emotionally. I have spent the last 10 days googling and researching. I have found that I have two sisters (presumably half sisters). I found them on FB and since they don't have secure privacy settings, I have been able to read everything they post and look at all pictures they post, I have learned a lot.

I have even found a recent photo of my birth mother.

It is so surreal to me. They are so different than I am, which to me just points to nurture over nature in many ways. I also really don't think they look like me at all. One of the sisters has a daughter though who honestly looks just like me at that age. It is uncanny. She has the same nose, chin, same freckle pattern, the only thing that is different is that her hair is blonde and mine is red.

Wow.....

I haven't made contact yet, but plan to write a letter this week.

[couponkingpeter]

I would contact them, it will provide some sort of closure, and answer unanswered questions.

[ua_guy]

Update !

With my own family now all notified and in the loop about discovering my birth family, I made the step of contacting my birth mother. In case any of you are thinking about doing this, here's a couple of crafty things I came up with.

Hearing horror stories of adoptees spending large sums of money and lots of time trying to get at closed adoption files, I found myself fortunate that I had easy access to information. It left me feeling like I had both time/money on my side. For you savers, there's a running tally of what I've spent, to date:

$20 to request my "old" original birth certificate (pre-adoption) from the State

$40 for an online background check on the name of birth mom that was supplied on the birth certificate.

$35 to set up a small PO Box, which is good for 6 months.

Once I notified my existing family of my search, it was time to attempt contact. I wrote a letter with a quick introduction to establish identity and ask if birth mom was willing to exchange some information- on her terms and timeline, of course. I supplied the PO return and also an alias email address. I used my real first name and only my last initial to start.

I folded the letter along with a picture of myself and stuffed it in a regular greeting card in a colored envelope. Why? Because receiving certified mail isn't always a good thing, and I think chances were better of it being accepted if a) if it looked like a birthday/holiday/greeting card- and not something from the IRS or a collector, b) had a hand-written address.

I spent $5 for a greeting card, and a digital photo print.

I spent $6 to send the letter certified, with a return receipt to confirm it was received- to get a name of whomever signed for it.

Truth be told, I wasn't entirely sure I had the correct address. I wasn't nervous nor was I hopeful, but then later that afternoon I found myself obsessing over wondering if/when the letter would be received and what would happen next.

More truth be told...I have been quietly monitoring a facebook profile who I believed to be birth mom. This is the freedom of the internet. The Post office said the letter would be delivered the following day, so I slept on it and kept myself busy. The next evening, I logged onto the USPS website to track the letter, and indeed, it had been delivered that morning. The alias email inbox was still empty and there were no Facebook updates in the last couple of days.

By 11pm, I was tired, and finished with my day and I decided to check the inbox one more time. Nothing. Facebook was still up, so I cruised her profile once more and my heart just about stopped. She posted a status update about the letter she received and that she was absolutely thrilled. I remain unsearchable on Facebook and do not/ will not comment on her or anyone else's posts until I am invited to do so.

Excitement! While I have no expectation or hope of any kind of mother/son releationship out of the deal, these were positive words and a good sign that I might be able to uncover some information about the line of people I come from- names, faces, places, the story of how I came to be.

The following morning I received the first reply via the alias email. She explained she was grateful to have received contact and that she is open to talking, but preferred email/phone/letter contact for a while first, which is understandable and also more than I had expected.

$18 was spent for a bottle of wine in celebration of my adventure.

All in all, I've got $125 into the process. Not bad for starting with absolutely zero information and zero contact 6 weeks ago.

As birth mom and I start to get to know each other and establish rapport, I will reveal more about my identity once we establish we are both of the same mindset. Patience is the key, and respect of discretion/privacy goes both ways. As I understand, possible half-siblings who commented on her Facebook post have long been aware that I exist, and they refer to me by my pre-adoption name. It's a bit surreal, and I feel lucky that the circumstances around contact appear to be positive. Sometimes the existence of children given for adoption are hidden or are kept in secret, and sometimes birth parents want absolutely NO contact. I am lucky.

This is probably the last I'll post about my adventure-- unless somehow birth family is filthy rich and I've been willed money, and will need advice on how to manage it properly--although, I don't think that's the case, and I'm not looking for money anyhow. To finally have some answers about my origin, is priceless!

[Bob B.]

Sounds good so far. Congrats.

As an adoptive father, I could only hope that things turn out is well for my boys. But, we adopted from foster care, so I expect our circumstances are much different than yours.

[Petunia 100]

That is wonderful, Uaguy! Congrats.

[bigdaddybus]

Glad to hear things are going so well.

And as an adoptive parent, I thank you for sharing your perspective.

[dawnwes]

Congrats.

I have now written my birthmother a letter. I am waiting on any response.

The info I am getting online is minimal, but I do believe I have found my 2 sisters (presumably half sisters) on FB. Thankfully they have very open FB pages and I have been able to see all of their photos and info without actually friending them.

One thing about the files, not all states are as open or easy to find info as others. I was born and adopted in Michigan. It is closed tighter than a drum and costs $200 just to get a mediary to open your file. Then she/he has to contact your BM to even find out IF she/he can give the info out.

This is all overwhelming, so I am taking it slowly. I found out her name about a month ago. I have now sent a letter (over a week ago) and so far we have not had any other contact.

Dawn

Update !

With my own family now all notified and in the loop about discovering my birth family, I made the step of contacting my birth mother. In case any of you are thinking about doing this, here's a couple of crafty things I came up with.

Hearing horror stories of adoptees spending large sums of money and lots of time trying to get at closed adoption files, I found myself fortunate that I had easy access to information. It left me feeling like I had both time/money on my side. For you savers, there's a running tally of what I've spent, to date:

$20 to request my "old" original birth certificate (pre-adoption) from the State

$40 for an online background check on the name of birth mom that was supplied on the birth certificate.

$35 to set up a small PO Box, which is good for 6 months.

Once I notified my existing family of my search, it was time to attempt contact. I wrote a letter with a quick introduction to establish identity and ask if birth mom was willing to exchange some information- on her terms and timeline, of course. I supplied the PO return and also an alias email address. I used my real first name and only my last initial to start.

I folded the letter along with a picture of myself and stuffed it in a regular greeting card in a colored envelope. Why? Because receiving certified mail isn't always a good thing, and I think chances were better of it being accepted if a) if it looked like a birthday/holiday/greeting card- and not something from the IRS or a collector, b) had a hand-written address.

I spent $5 for a greeting card, and a digital photo print.

I spent $6 to send the letter certified, with a return receipt to confirm it was received- to get a name of whomever signed for it.

Truth be told, I wasn't entirely sure I had the correct address. I wasn't nervous nor was I hopeful, but then later that afternoon I found myself obsessing over wondering if/when the letter would be received and what would happen next.

More truth be told...I have been quietly monitoring a facebook profile who I believed to be birth mom. This is the freedom of the internet. The Post office said the letter would be delivered the following day, so I slept on it and kept myself busy. The next evening, I logged onto the USPS website to track the letter, and indeed, it had been delivered that morning. The alias email inbox was still empty and there were no Facebook updates in the last couple of days.

By 11pm, I was tired, and finished with my day and I decided to check the inbox one more time. Nothing. Facebook was still up, so I cruised her profile once more and my heart just about stopped. She posted a status update about the letter she received and that she was absolutely thrilled. I remain unsearchable on Facebook and do not/ will not comment on her or anyone else's posts until I am invited to do so.

Excitement! While I have no expectation or hope of any kind of mother/son releationship out of the deal, these were positive words and a good sign that I might be able to uncover some information about the line of people I come from- names, faces, places, the story of how I came to be.

The following morning I received the first reply via the alias email. She explained she was grateful to have received contact and that she is open to talking, but preferred email/phone/letter contact for a while first, which is understandable and also more than I had expected.

$18 was spent for a bottle of wine in celebration of my adventure.

All in all, I've got $125 into the process. Not bad for starting with absolutely zero information and zero contact 6 weeks ago.

As birth mom and I start to get to know each other and establish rapport, I will reveal more about my identity once we establish we are both of the same mindset. Patience is the key, and respect of discretion/privacy goes both ways. As I understand, possible half-siblings who commented on her Facebook post have long been aware that I exist, and they refer to me by my pre-adoption name. It's a bit surreal, and I feel lucky that the circumstances around contact appear to be positive. Sometimes the existence of children given for adoption are hidden or are kept in secret, and sometimes birth parents want absolutely NO contact. I am lucky.

This is probably the last I'll post about my adventure-- unless somehow birth family is filthy rich and I've been willed money, and will need advice on how to manage it properly--although, I don't think that's the case, and I'm not looking for money anyhow. To finally have some answers about my origin, is priceless!