Would you contact your birth parents?

**hamchan** · 07-25-2014, 07:57 AM

My husband was abandoned as an infant by his mother, and then left by his father to be raised by elderly relatives, who have both died. He has had some contact with his birth father as an adult and it was not a positive experience. He has chosen not to try to stay in contact, and his father has never bothered to contact him since. We invited him to the wedding and didn't get so much as a phone call. He has never had contact with his mother. Since my husband needs a kidney he has considered finding her (he may have siblings) but so far we haven't had any luck in locating her.

**Petunia 100** · 07-25-2014, 08:10 AM

Congrats on finding your birth mother!

I found my birth parents in 2001. I found my birth father first. I sent him a certified letter, asking about family medical history, genetic traits, and ethnicity. I stated I would like to meet him, but if he didn't want that, it was OK. He never responded in any way. But, I am pretty sure he hired someone to take pictures of me. I think this because I had a well-dressed professional photographer show up at my community college one day and take pictures of me. (I was taking classes at the time). He was set up and waiting for me as I neared the entrance to my classroom. When I asked what he was doing, he just smiled and packed up his photo gear. My birth father is an attorney with his own successful practice, so for all I know he may even have a private investigator on staff. I could be wrong about the incident having anything to do with my birth father, but the experience was super creepy.

Through geneology.com, I was contacted by birth father's sister. I had posted a message asking for information on their parents. I did not reveal my exact biological connection to her family, but she seemed to know. She answered all of my questions and was quite pleasant. I did not keep in touch with her.

When I found my birth mother, she did want to meet me. I have visited with her in person several times now. I have met her two sisters and brother. I met her mother who has since passed. I met her great aunt and her nephew. I got to see all of the family photo albums. None of them live close to me, but we email and are friends on Facebook. We see each other on occasion. We have warm, friendly relationships.

An adoptee never knows what they are going to find. You have to be prepared to be rejected. You and your birth family may not take to each other at all.

But, I have to tell you, it felt so good to finally know. That constant sense of wondering about my origins was finally satisfied.

**Bob B.** · 07-25-2014, 09:06 AM

Originally posted by ua_guy View Post

The adoption was officiated and completed long ago (30++ years), so I assume there could never be any legal obligation or otherwise to people in my blood lines for money, or anything else, correct?

My wife and I adopted our sons from foster care. They are not biologically related. Parental rights (and obligations) were terminated prior to the adoptions. In other words, they have no rights to have any say whatsoever in how the boys are raised, schooled, etc. They also have no obligations to provide anything at all for them.

To answer your main question, if I were adopted, yes, I would probably seek out my biological parents.

In our particular case, we know the identities of all four bio parents. We've got another 12 years before our oldest adopted child will be 18. We will disclose the bio's identities when our boys reach the age of majority.

Of the four bios, three of them have served prison time for drug crimes and child abuse. Two of them are currently incarcerated. They are not nice people. So, we will share identities, and help them understand the reality of the people who brought them into the world.

I'm glad you are approaching this at the age of 30++. An 18 year old would handle the situation very differently.

**ua_guy** · 07-25-2014, 10:44 AM

Originally posted by Petunia 100 View Post

But, I have to tell you, it felt so good to finally know. That constant sense of wondering about my origins was finally satisfied.

Petunia, thanks for sharing your story. I am sharing in that good feeling too, and I've had a mix of emotions this week. It's blindsided me a bit, and I've been distracted all week by the thrill of uncovering information.

Seeing a recent photo of my birth mother was an experience that rendered me speechless, seeing biological similarity in someone else for the first time in my life. That's something only adoptees can understand.

Originally posted by Bob B. View Post

My wife and I adopted our sons from foster care. They are not biologically related. Parental rights (and obligations) were terminated prior to the adoptions. In other words, they have no rights to have any say whatsoever in how the boys are raised, schooled, etc. They also have no obligations to provide anything at all for them.

To answer your main question, if I were adopted, yes, I would probably seek out my biological parents.

In our particular case, we know the identities of all four bio parents. We've got another 12 years before our oldest adopted child will be 18. We will disclose the bio's identities when our boys reach the age of majority.

Of the four bios, three of them have served prison time for drug crimes and child abuse. Two of them are currently incarcerated. They are not nice people. So, we will share identities, and help them understand the reality of the people who brought them into the world.

I'm glad you are approaching this at the age of 30++. An 18 year old would handle the situation very differently.

That's what I figured, regarding the legal aspect.

And yes, this seems like a ripe age (30-ish) to engage in the discovery, while it's possible there are still surviving family members, but distanced by time just enough. The information is historical at this point and is more about self-discovery than anything. I've lived a lot of my life, and I am fortunate to have my adopted family and I wouldn't trade them or any of our time together for the world. I don't expect or desire any close relationships with my birth family, but I would like an in-person meet to have some additional questions answered, and to leave the door open for exchange of information down the road.

There's usually good reason kids are put up for adoption. I've uncovered some unpleasant information about my lineage, and I feel fortunate to have been adopted!

**JoeP** · 07-25-2014, 11:13 AM

I am not adopted, but believe that the family history would be good to know just for the medical aspects alone. It might shed clues that could end up saving your life some day, or that of your children.

**Petunia 100** · 07-25-2014, 11:19 AM

Originally posted by ua_guy View Post

Petunia, thanks for sharing your story. I am sharing in that good feeling too, and I've had a mix of emotions this week. It's blindsided me a bit, and I've been distracted all week by the thrill of uncovering information.

Seeing a recent photo of my birth mother was an experience that rendered me speechless, seeing biological similarity in someone else for the first time in my life. That's something only adoptees can understand.

When I was pregnant with my first child, the thought "I am going to see someone who is biologically related to me!" kept running through my head. When she was born, I kept looking at her face, searching for clues. Did she have my birth mother's nose? Did she have my birth father's chin?

My first meeting with birth mother's extended family, I couldn't stop looking at them all. And I don't resemble them much, lol. Birth mother says I favor birth father.

There really was a hunger to know. I don't regret finding them at all.

**Poverty in Paradise** · 07-25-2014, 11:43 AM

I am not adopted, but a friend in college found and met his birth mother over a school break. I think he initiated the contact soon after turning 21 and found out she lived only 3 hours away. They met in person at a public place (Major League Baseball game) and chatted throughout the game. He found out he has (much younger) 2 half-sisters and 1 half-brother, and he looks so much like his mom.

It's been 3 or 4 years, and he lives halfway across the country from them now but posts pics of them on social media and it seems like they're in pretty regular contact and get together for holidays and such. A really nice, happy ending for both parties

**snafu** · 07-25-2014, 05:28 PM

I see a lot of upside and benefits from attempting a cordial relationship with birth parents and very little downside so long as you keep your wallet closed. You need to access genetic information as this can be important for children or as you age. Medical history is valuable. Any hereditary diseases? Huntington's chorea comes to mind. Is there a propensity to heart disease or digestive issues for example.

Heritage is often interesting, where did grandparents immigrate from? Are there famous/infamous relatives?

**dawnwes** · 07-25-2014, 08:50 PM

Congrats on finding out who she is.

I have searched and haven't found anything yet. I did hire a confidential intermediary but she was no good either. I am told the CI system has changed drastically from the time I last searched and I have been tempted, but haven't done anything about it yet. It is very emotional for me.

I did do a DNA test recently and found out some of my heritage. That was really interesting to me. I will be doing another one (Ancestry.com) very soon.

I know what you mean about seeing an actual blood relative for the first time. My older two boys are the only blood relatives I have seen and I gave birth to them! My youngest we adopted.

Anyway, following this thread with interest.

**grbrown505** · 07-28-2014, 08:51 PM

Follow your heart

If ot was a legal adoption they don't have any rights to your eatate, Period!
If you hav equestions you want or need answers to, then contact tham.
Good luck!

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 07-30-2014, 08:14 PM

I struggle with this. I don't know. Unlike you I know who my birth father is but I haven't talked to him as an adult. I couldn't pick him out of line up. I have seen a couple of photos. But since he's made no effort, I don't know.

**fruitbowlk** · 07-31-2014, 05:18 AM

I have a situation like yours and I found my bio family unfortunately both of my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are dead all I have left is my brothers and sister and cousins. Finding them haven't change anything for me. The fact of the matter is sometimes it could be more heartache then it's worth or it could be the best decision you ever made. It' helpful to know what health issue you might face. Like my brother died of uncontrolled HPB I started dealing with it the same age as he died from it. I'm balding my grandmother and father was bald. These are good things to know. Not saying because these runs through the family you will have it but when the dr. ask about your family history it's good to know. My family struggles with alcoholism that good to know. I can pass this information to my daughter and watch myself. I feel adopted in my bio family and I feel adopted in my adopted family I just don't fit in either family. Just don't have high expectations that way you can't be heart broken if they aren't who you wanted, imaged, or hoped for.

**ua_guy** · 07-31-2014, 06:45 AM

Thanks, everyone, for the replies. The legal aspect is as I suspected...nothing to worry about there, only managing the social contact if it ever comes to light.

My only advice so far, for those in a similar situation, is, take the necesary time and space needed to do your search, and be prepared for anything. Don't set expectations, have an open mind.

I wasn't emotionally invested in the search until I started uncovering information- names, pictures, places, and that hit me in some strange ways. There have also been some (not surprising) ominous findings, i.e. men in the family suffering from heart disease at relatively early ages (late 40's), and the whereabouts of my birth father is still mostly unknown until if/when I have a chance to meet with my birth mother to get the story on him. The two people I've linked as possible birth fathers in my search are both confirmed dead and died before they were 50. So that's left me feeling a bit uneasy.

In these searches, adoptees are bound to have some "aha!" moments and I've had a few shocking and revelatory discoveries of my own, including information on a sibling who is half, if not fully, related by blood. He's an automotive geek, just like me. Some things apparently do run in the family.

My next challenge will be to attempt contact with the birth mother. I need to get my folks who raised me, on board with me and what I'm attempting to do, as they are part of the story too-- They are not yet aware that I've obtained this information and may be sensitive at first. I've taken some time to let all this newly discovered information sink in, I've caught my breath, and I hope to move forward with contact here in the next couple of weeks.

**bigdaddybus** · 07-31-2014, 11:37 AM

ua_guy thanks for sharing your thoughts and I wish you the best in your search and outcome. I would definitely want to know.

I am in a situation similar to Bob B. I adopted a sibling pair (boy and girl) from the foster care program. I have kept everything to share with the kids when they are older. I have court transcripts, and a letter to the kids from their bio mom (unopened, though it was hard not to) in a safety deposit box.
I have also maintained email communication with the bio mom for the past 3 years since her parental rights were terminated. Providing her with updated pictures of the kids and updates on them several times a year. (hobbies, favorite things to do, etc. nothing to in depth)

I dont have a fear of my kids meeting their bio parents when they become adults, but my wife does. My children were taken from their bio parents for neglect and I think my wife is fearful they will be a good emotional experience for them.
The father immediately forfitted his rights, and after 22 months of court proceedings and hte bio mom not doing what the court asked of her they terminated her rights. I know the bio mom would say she was "not well off" and that the kids were loved and fine, but they werent. The court said they were neglected.
That future conversation with my adult children and their bio mom scares my wife.

I think the kids will understand they were in a bad situation.

Would you contact your birth parents?