Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?

[humandraydel]

Agreed with this. It might not be the most fair to make them wait a week, BUT it's also not fair for them to expect to stay in your house the first week.

A lot of people seem to recommend a hotel, but IMHO that does absolutely nothing to help. They will just treat the hotel as the "place they sleep" with all waking hours at our house - how is that helpful?

We have been firm in our decision - but the fighting is taking a toll on my wife and she's talking about caving. I'm trying to convince her that we are completely reasonable and within our right to request a 1 week adjustment period. Again, we would be okay with a 1 hour visit at the hospital, but a full week 24/7 is not acceptable or healthy.

[cschin4]

I have seen people with like 20 people in the delivery room. Sorry, but I think that is just silly. It is a very intimate momemt. For me, me it was between myself and my spouse and that's it. I don't have a problem with family waiting in the wings but to be there at the actual moment was one I only want to share with my husband.

[Petunia 100]

I'm not asking the internet to decide - just curious if I'm being unreasonable. As for timing, they were willing to fly standby or drive 8 hours. Obviously it's possible they would still miss the birth due to the delay.

You're not being at all unreasonable. It is a personal decision, and one person gets a bigger say than anyone else. That person is your wife. If she doesn't want extras on the set during childbirth, then they don't get to come.

Just tell your mom, "Mom, I love you, and I am so glad you and Dad are eager to see your new grandchild. Wife and I feel we need privacy during birth and those first few days at home. Thank you for understanding."

[Petunia 100]

I didn't respond to this part. I do think it is unreasonable to ask them to wait a week to see their new grandchild. I would fully expect them to visit in the hospital soon after the baby was born. Both of our moms did that. Neither was there before or during labor, but again, they're both local, 30-40 minutes away.

But these grandparents aren't going to pop in to see the baby, hold the baby, stay 20 min, and then leave. They're going to stay for a week.

[Petunia 100]

A lot of people seem to recommend a hotel, but IMHO that does absolutely nothing to help. They will just treat the hotel as the "place they sleep" with all waking hours at our house - how is that helpful?

We have been firm in our decision - but the fighting is taking a toll on my wife and she's talking about caving. I'm trying to convince her that we are completely reasonable and within our right to request a 1 week adjustment period. Again, we would be okay with a 1 hour visit at the hospital, but a full week 24/7 is not acceptable or healthy.

The fact that there is "fighting" going on over this speaks volumes. Like Cardtrick earlier, your parents feel their wishes trump your needs. You have set a clear boundary, if you relent now, expect that any future boundaries will be completely disregarded. Your parents will simply argue until they get their way.

Your baby will still be a newborn at 1 week of age. Your parents aren't going to miss out on anything.

I suggest you run interference. You take the phone calls from your parents. Let your wife bow out of the whole discussion.

[Petunia 100]

Oh, and congratulations!

[asmom]

Okay OP, you were looking for validation of your feelings and you got lots of it.

But now, you (and your wife) need to ask yourselves, do we want to be right or do we want to maintain a happy relationship with my mom? It does not have to be all your way or all her way. If neither of you is willing to negotiate a compromise of this situation and I'm talking about all of you, your wife and your parents, then that tells me that there is more to this than just two tired first-time parents who need time to themselves.

Somebody said the baby will still be a newborn in a week. That's true and you will still be tired and still trying to sort things out in a week. She's only going to be in town for a week, it's not like you have to see her every day. So you can suck it up, compromise with your mother and everybody can be happy OR you can take a hard line and have the birth of your first child be clouded by anger and hurt feelings. If your mom doesn't want to accept a compromise, it's on her. If you don't want to offer one, it's on you.


P.S. Congrats on your bundle of joy.

[HappySaver]

We have been firm in our decision - but the fighting is taking a toll on my wife and she's talking about caving.

I have to admit that I was taken aback when I read this sentence because I had (erroneously, duh!) jumped to the conclusion that you were the woman in the relationship. Because typically, at least in my circles, it would be woman's mother who might be more forceful in expecting/demanding to be present at the delivery or immediately afterwards. The father's parents have typically played more of a back seat in terms of respecting the woman's wishes (again, with my family and friends) and would not presume to be the ones staying for the first week, as that role would typically belong to the woman's parents, if it belongs to anyone at all.

I cannot IMAGINE my husband's parents staying with us the week that my child was born - no way, no how, and frankly, I can't imagine them arguing against our wishes. It's inappropriate. Stand your ground.

[snafu]

I guess it's up to you to tell your mom that you love her and understand her excitement for her new grandchild but you have decided it would be best for her to come a week after baby is home. I suggest you keep repeating the whole sentence calmly, until she hears you. If possible ask your dad to help your mom understand.

[Like2Plan]

Congratulations on your new baby! Ultimately, it is your decision, of course.

At the birth-No.
In the waiting room? Why not? She's excited for the arrival of this new person to whom she is related.
At your house the first week? That depends on how big your house is. But, I agree with asmom--your house is going to be topsy turvy for some time to come with a newborn baby. It's not going to be 1 week and everything is back to normal.
But, it's not like your Mom is a guest in your house, either. She's family. Put her to work. Trust me, you are going to be exhausted. You and your wife may find yourselves too tired to cook or clean from taking care of the baby's needs and your Mom might come in handy. (Though, your Mom might get more sleep in a hotel room. )
My sister was with me when DS was born. Then, DH's Mom stayed with us for a couple of weeks. She was great. She made delicious meals and helped in any way she could. My Mom waited a month to come out (she had a 5 hour plane trip and wanted to make sure he had arrived before she came out). Trust me, I appreciated any and all help that I received.

[FrugalFish]

Here are my thoughts on the matter:

What would you and your wife do if nobody elses' feeling mattered? Start there with your priorities and adapt them to where you can make the grandparents feel included without feeling like your boundaries have been mutilated.

DH and I had two steadfast points when our DD was born (8 years ago). Number one is that we did not discuss her name with anyone prior to her being born. She was named as far as we were concerned, and discussing it prior would make it seem like it was up for debate. Didn't open that can of worms.

Number two, and we didn't discuss this with anybody in advance either, we decided we were going to go to the hospital and have the baby without telling anybody we were going. Fortunately for us, I went into the hospital late at night and she was born before daybreak, so nobody missed us. DH did call work, but it's debatable if family members would have called even if we had been at the hospital for a day or two before she was born. DH then called everybody and announced that she was here after the fact.

Initially, DH told his parents that we'd like to have them wait a week, but his father told him (very nicely in fact) that he truly didn't know if he could hold MIL off that long. They ended up coming to visit the day after we came home from the hospital, and stayed but a few short hours. My mother did the same thing, a couple of hours a few days out. This may make me sound like a jerk, but DH and I do not come from those great families where people show up and pitch in and everything is like some great party where you might even be cared for in your own home. Nope, our families are difficult guests to have at best.

Furthermore, while I had an incredibly easy PG and delivery, I became horribly sick after DD was born. Day 4 of our DD's life was spent shifting from one medical department to another while doctors tried to figure out what was wrong with me. The company we did have made this worse, I can't imagine having house guests during that time.

So I guess with all that said, perhaps you could indicate something to them that incorporates your uncertainty of what to expect after the baby's birth. Tell them you are excited for them to meet their grandchild, but let's get her/him here first and make sure that everything is okay with mom and baby before you make plans--- if that is what you are most comfortable doing. Then after the baby is born, you can let them know and play it by ear what would be an appropriate time for them to come. You and your wife might feel up for a little company sooner than you think, or you may have to say to them, "I'm eager for you to meet the baby, but we're a little overwhelmed adjusting and not quite ready for guests." Either way, be prepared your wife is going to have enough going on physically still, that you are going to have to play the role of great host.

But then I will also add this... The pictures I have of DH's parents visiting DD for the first time when she was 3 days old are some of my favorite pictures. They both have such dopey, happy expressions on their faces as they hold her, and those expressions would probably not have been so pure and delightful had we pushed them off further.

I can also say that if it were my DD, I'd want to be there ASAP after the baby is born--- but I try to maintain healthier boundaries and would try to be a more helpful and respectful guest, which would mean LISTENING and HEARING what her wishes are. If you feel you aren't going to get helpful, respectful guests, then it's up to you to hold that line.

Honestly, you just sound overwhelmed by the whole thing (and you should be ), and it's fair to tell them that you feel that way and don't feel up to making decisions about who will come, when, and for how long. Just ask for some space and more time to think- you are definitely entitled to that.

Okay, got way too long---- CONGRATS!

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Whatever your wife or mother to be feels comfortable with. If she feels go for it then she does it. If not then no go.

[sweetlady2k]

Keep in mind your wife's relationship with her mother too. When I had my daughter the plan was just to have my husband there. My mother wanted to be there and I was slightly embarrassed so asked her to wait outside the room. It was the best decision! My labor was so bad and after hours it seemed like everything my husband did annoyed me. He doesn't deal well with blood and stuff. I told him to leave and go get my mom! Of course he stayed and watched the birth also but the help I really needed at the time came from my mom not him. And I wasn't one of those kids who was very close to my mom before that. I loved her but was not dependent or best friends ect..