Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?

[humandraydel]

Do you think the grandparents should be at the hospital for the birth of their grandchild? We do not want them there because we don't want them at the house in the 1st week after we get back from the hospital (we live out of town so they'd have to stay). We've requested that they come 1 week after the birth and my mom is making a BIG deal about this - it has led to many fights.

[creditcardfree]

I think it is mother/parents choice as to who is around at the time of birth. The grandmother should respect your wishes, even if she isn't happy about it. The nice thing is that you live far enough away that you can have the baby and not tell her until it is over.

I would try to keep in mind that she is primarily upset because her expectations are not meeting the reality. That is her issue. Not yours.

[cardtrick]

In my family, you can't do that. I wouldn't dare to tell my parents to come a week later. And if my kids did that to me, I'd disown them.

[cschin4]

No. We told our parents to stay home and they did. They came the next day or much later afyer the birth.

[disneysteve]

Do you think the grandparents should be at the hospital for the birth of their grandchild? We do not want them there because we don't want them at the house in the 1st week after we get back from the hospital (we live out of town so they'd have to stay).

This is obviously a personal decision between you and your wife and the grandparents. It certainly isn't something that we can decide for you.

What do I think? First off, there's no way in hell we would have had either of our mothers staying at our house for a week anytime and especially not after DD was born. Fortunately, they both lived close enough that it wasn't necessary but if they lived farther away, they'd be staying in a hotel if they wanted to visit, not in our home. Second, how exactly are they going to know when to come unless this is a scheduled c-section? They could end up being there for 2 or 3 weeks if the baby is born late.

[humandraydel]

This is obviously a personal decision between you and your wife and the grandparents. It certainly isn't something that we can decide for you.

What do I think? First off, there's no way in hell we would have had either of our mothers staying at our house for a week anytime and especially not after DD was born. Fortunately, they both lived close enough that it wasn't necessary but if they lived farther away, they'd be staying in a hotel if they wanted to visit, not in our home. Second, how exactly are they going to know when to come unless this is a scheduled c-section? They could end up being there for 2 or 3 weeks if the baby is born late.

I'm not asking the internet to decide - just curious if I'm being unreasonable. As for timing, they were willing to fly standby or drive 8 hours. Obviously it's possible they would still miss the birth due to the delay.

[disneysteve]

I'm not asking the internet to decide - just curious if I'm being unreasonable.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, especially if their intent is to stay with you after the baby is born. That's a stressful time. You're wife will be tired. You'll be tired. The last thing you need to be doing is dealing with house guests. Tell them you'd love to have them come see their new grandchild once everyone is home and settled but it would be best for them to stay in a hotel.

[asmom]

Your mom is family, not a guest and the child of your child is king of a big deal, especially if it's the first. Your attitude is probably kind of hurtful to her. Can you ask her to stay at a hotel? That would be a fair compromise since you seem to think her presence will be a burden. I can't imagine asking my mother to stay away for a whole week. I could see asking her not to come to the hospital. She wasn't there when I had my son because she was still a working mom and I was disappointed because I wanted the whole world to bask in my son't wonderfulness. You and your wife will STILL be tired a month, two months, six months after the baby, trust me.

[disneysteve]

As for timing, they were willing to fly standby or drive 8 hours. Obviously it's possible they would still miss the birth due to the delay.

I didn't respond to this part. I do think it is unreasonable to ask them to wait a week to see their new grandchild. I would fully expect them to visit in the hospital soon after the baby was born. Both of our moms did that. Neither was there before or during labor, but again, they're both local, 30-40 minutes away.

[Snydley]

HI-
We lived far from our parents when DD was born and my mother wanted to be there too. After a lot of thought I decided it was best that she come when our baby was 3 weeks old, because similarly to you, my mom would be staying with us during her visit. It was the BEST decision. It was a somewhat stressful labor and a trying first couple weeks. My mom is a pretty anxious person and it would have been much more difficult with her there.

It's YOUR baby- do what you want! You deserve to be selfish here and might regret not doing so.

If grandparents say their life will be ruined forever if they are not there for the birth then they can stay in a hotel and visit the hospital only when you say it's ok. That is completely fair.

Good luck and congrats!

[MonkeyMama]

HI-
It's YOUR baby- do what you want! You deserve to be selfish here and might regret not doing so.

If grandparents say their life will be ruined forever if they are not there for the birth then they can stay in a hotel and visit the hospital only when you say it's ok. That is completely fair.

Good luck and congrats!

Agreed with this. It might not be the most fair to make them wait a week, BUT it's also not fair for them to expect to stay in your house the first week.

FWIW, if it were my mom I would be more accommodating because she is more relaxed and reasonable. My MIL is overbearing, demanding, and very anxious. I add this because relatives have to take responsibility for the reasons you do not want them there. I personally have never felt any guilt being very harsh with MIL because that's what she puts out and that is what she gets. That's her problem. OF course, because of the above, my mom never had any demands with our first baby. IF we told her to wait 3 weeks, she would have respected that. & if she decided after the birth that she just couldn't wait any more, I am sure we could have worked out something reasonable. Of course my MIL had many demands, long before the baby was born, and I don't know when that ever ends...

[neatdesign]

Do you think the grandparents should be at the hospital for the birth of their grandchild? We do not want them there because we don't want them at the house in the 1st week after we get back from the hospital (we live out of town so they'd have to stay). We've requested that they come 1 week after the birth and my mom is making a BIG deal about this - it has led to many fights.

I'd like to add something no one else has mentioned which is important to consider:

I get the impression that this is your first child; otherwise you would have gone through this before (presumably) and you wouldn't be asking the question. If that's the case, this is a transitional period for everyone: You're becoming a parent, and your parents have to acknowledge that and treat you accordingly. This baby is YOUR child, first and foremost; s/he is their grandchild only secondarily.

This is just the first of many, many times where you and the grandparents will disagree on something related to your child(ren). As such, how this situation is handled can set the tone for your family dynamic for the years to come. If the grandparents can't respect this request, then they may have difficulty respecting other requests you make in the future, such as giving your children candy or spoiling them with tons of toys, etc. This is your opportunity to make sure the tone that's set is one of equal respect, parent to parent.

Don't get me wrong: I know being there when a baby is born is a big deal. But the grandparents need to understand that it's nothing personal; you're just doing what's best for you and your baby, and that just happens to be "no visitors" for the first few weeks after the birth.

Whatever happens, good luck! And congratulations!

[disneysteve]

FWIW, if it were my mom I would be more accommodating because she is more relaxed and reasonable. My MIL is overbearing, demanding, and very anxious.

This is a great point. Our moms are totally different people. We have a great relationship with my mom and hardly any relationship with her mom. My mom was frequently at our house, babysat for us all the time, etc. Her mom hardly ever visited even though she only lived about 10 minutes farther away. As a result, even DD has very little to any relationship with my MIL. So part of the answer to the question would depend on which grandparent we were talking about.

[asmom]

Some interesting perspectives here. I took a trip down memory lane to when my first (my daughter) was born.

My mother was an OB nurse so she acted as my L&D nurse and that was awful. She really got on my nerves and I told her so, lol! I would not recommend that for anyone!

When I got home, I had a steady stream of people in and out to see the baby the first week. My husband and I both have large extended families and there were so many people coming in, sometimes people would have to leave to make room for more people. It was great! Visiting with my relatives, some of whom I hadn't seen in years. It definitely wasn't a chore to have them present. They admired "A", changed her diapers, fed her, as expected. If I'd told people to stay away because I was too tired, needed time to adjust, etc, that would have definitely fractured some family ties. And if people had not shown up in droves, I would have been really P'Oed!

To top it off, my paternal grandmother died the day after she was born so I went to her funeral a few days later and that was more family to deal with.

Fast forward 7 years to the birth of my son and I'd moved away and there was no one there. People aren't as excited about the second one anyway. Lots of excited, happy family definitely beats no family. Now so many of those people are gone now, including my mom.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Oh, please do be comfortable telling the grandparents when would be the better time for you. Are pediatricians not still recommending limited "public contact" for newborns these days?

Only my inlaws (not either of my own parents) came to visit within the first week. I remember that as a beautiful visit. They came in like a soft glowing cloud of beneficence, were quiet, respectful, helpful, and interesting to talk with. But no way would I have appreciated a grandparent who was pushy, critical, know-it-all, whiny, demanding, loud, bossy, or any other such negative.

Draw a line of peace and comfort around your household. Be as firm as needed. I'm probably headed for being a grandma soon enough, and I would not be troubled at being asked to give the new parents and baby all the space they needed.