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Originally posted by fruitbowlk
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I bet Job's wife would disagree with you a bit...probably would mumble something about Job and his gambling addict friend... -
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I met my husband online. It just made more sense for me. I already knew all of my friend's friends. I am not the type of person to go out very often, and if I do I don't tend to talk to people I don't know.
I also wanted to be able to disclose some information about my mental health status before ever meeting someone. Because being with me long term is not exactly a walk in the park, and I wanted to pre-emptively weed out men who were unwilling to take that on. I also needed to find a man who did not want children of his own, but did not have a problem with being a step father. I have found this kind of guy is not exactly common.
As it turns out, my husband did kind of downplay his own health issues. So now I am dealing with his critical illness plus my own mental health challenges at the same time. And it pretty much sucks. But I do not regret marrying him as he is a really good man.Comment
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After married two losers I knew if I ever got involved with another guy there would be some absolutes. I literally made a list of about 30 characteristics that I wanted in a guy. I think that making a list over several days, thinking it through carefully and then if someone does come your way and out of 30 items on your list, just because he has a great smile doesn't mean you chuck your list. Give him a chance and if nothing but the great smile still is the only thing out of 30, you might want to move on or question what is attracting you to him. But keeping that list in mind certainly helps.
I got married again about 12 years ago. He didn't have all 30 qualities but he had most and I even showed him the list. The most important being we were instant best friends and still are. We can talk about just about anything which was hugely important to me, as my first marriage I spent 13 years having a husband telling me not to talk about certain subjects, the biggest being anything to do with me but then when he didn't want me talking to him about the kids, that was the end. So having a spouse be a best buddy is great as that will carry you through rough spots that will always come your way.Comment
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I think you shouldn't be looking for a mate; you should be living your life. Be a well-rounded person, complete all by yourself. Pursue those things which bring happiness to you. Be open to the opportunities and possiblilites which cross your path. Be choosey. If the perfect mate for you comes into your life, great. If not, great.Comment
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Is funny you guys bring up the religion/money thing. I was young when I met my husband but it was like we were both 10 years older than we actually were. He had already been through a marriage (no kids) and I was through with men after one long-term emotionally abusive relationship following by a string of less than stellar men and then flings which I was getting tired of. I found him intriguing as I never cared to date men my own age.
At the time I met my husband neither of us was looking for a mate. We were just looking for companionship for a few nights maybe. That's not what happened though we kept seeing each other and now 4 years later after many struggles (of all sorts, long-distance, death, moves, financial etc.) we are married.
I think Penelope is right. I think you might just want to see what's out there and access the man situation before you start mate searching. But having a general idea of what you want in a mate is good too to help you weed out compatibility before committing.
As far as qualities discussed, my husband doesn't believe in God and I think I believe in something but I'm not sure what. My husband makes half of what I do but still saves, is able to pay his own bills plus some of our common ones. I also save but have twice the amount of debt that he does. I have a college degree he does not etc etc.
Our personalities click, we both respect one another and listen to one another, and are supportive. So it works. I had started to fall for him the minute I met him but tried not to get too attached. Apparently he had fallen for me as well and decided not to let go. I'm glad we met but its was sort of like fate. Right place right time kind of thing. So yes go out there and look but try to be open minded. You never know who you might find out there.Comment
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I met my husband in my living room. He came to my son's high school graduation open house with the preacher's son. I had no clue who he was but we were good friends by the end of the party. It was so nice just to talk to a guy without any 'romantic' stuff going on. When we eventually got engaged I told him he had to take me out on a date as I couldn't see marrying someone that I had never 'dated'. We had been busy living life and being friends and didn't see the need to run around and spend money 'dating'.Right place right time kind of thing.Comment
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Intelligent
Personality (humor, fun, energetic, nice, positive attitude)
Successful
Similar interests (music)
Comparable values
Similar goals in life
Attractive, athletic etcComment
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I think it's kind that others have offered up what their perfect version of a "mate" is, but that may or may not be helpful to you. As one of the posts above suggests, live your life and be "you". Like the Oracle in the Matrix, you will know who "The One" is, when you have had a chance to meet and understand that person. Your previous mate was not "The One." Only you will know when he comes along.History will judge the complicit.Comment
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I'm honestly starting to love this dating thing. It's been quite awhile for me and the scene has done a 180 degree change. I don't remember men being so thoughtful and courteous.
I've been for drinks and dinner with a few gentlemen the past several days. I've had the men call and ask if I needed help finding or paying for a sitter ( I have a 7 year old daughter ). I've had a gentlemen send a cleaning service to my house when I told him I would be spending my Saturday "cleaning and piddling around the house". At first I thought it was a bit much, but I know they were both truly trying to be nice. I let the cleaning service stay 30 mins and perform some dusting, vacuuming and wiping counters, those types of things - it was AWESOME!!
The one thing that does bother me a bit is the constant communication. I know it's a different time, but I'm not used to daily text messages or emails. I'm not being inundated with texts or anything like that, but I'm a loner and other than work and my child, I occasionally go days without speaking to people. So, that is a bit different for me.
I even had one of the men show up with flowers for me and a flower for my daughter. She wasn't here at the time, of course, but I thought that was very thoughtful of him. Her name is a flower so he gave me 6 for me and a single colored flower of the same type for her.
Maybe I've just been treated so indifferently for so long that it strikes me as very nice.
Anyway, I'm just enjoying the ride.Comment
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This was something that came as a shock to me as well. I'm quite introverted most of the time, so as you said, I'll often go for days without any human contact outside of work. When I started seriously dating someone a few months ago, I was astounded at the level of communication between us. For example, on my cell phone bill, I went from 100-150 texts per month to about a thousand each month, and my minutes usage doubled from ~250min/mo to ~500/mo.Originally posted by Reggie View Post
...and we live just a few minutes away from one another, go to the same church, and our offices are across the street from eachother, so it's not like calling/texting was our only means of communication.
With that said, it has come fairly naturally as we've gotten closer, and I think it's fairly common for communication to spike significantly between dating couples... Sure, it used to be letters & long phone calls at night vs. the texting, Facebook, and emails of today, but ignoring the difference in medium, the communication aspect of dating generally seems fairly unchanging. Besides, that's probably a good thing -- relationship/marriage experts frequently say that good communication between a couple is a vital aspect to any healthy relationship.Comment
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Reggie that is so sweet! Nice to see the guys making such an effort. As to the communication, before I married my hubby, we sent a lot of emails back and forth as that in many ways was easiest as I traveled for work and so would be out of touch for several days (this was before cellphones with internet/texting capabilities and free minutes). If you need to though, you should tell them gently that you need a little less communication at least for now. Seeing how they react will be a good thing. Will they blow you off and not change, get mad and leave, or be grateful as it was too much for them as well. It is important to be comfortable with these guys and if the constant contact is too much then you need to let them know, especially if they are interrupting routines you may have especially with your daughter such as are they calling when you are helping her with homework, bedtime stories, bath time, etc.I'm honestly starting to love this dating thing. It's been quite awhile for me and the scene has done a 180 degree change. I don't remember men being so thoughtful and courteous.
I've been for drinks and dinner with a few gentlemen the past several days. I've had the men call and ask if I needed help finding or paying for a sitter ( I have a 7 year old daughter ). I've had a gentlemen send a cleaning service to my house when I told him I would be spending my Saturday "cleaning and piddling around the house". At first I thought it was a bit much, but I know they were both truly trying to be nice. I let the cleaning service stay 30 mins and perform some dusting, vacuuming and wiping counters, those types of things - it was AWESOME!!
The one thing that does bother me a bit is the constant communication. I know it's a different time, but I'm not used to daily text messages or emails. I'm not being inundated with texts or anything like that, but I'm a loner and other than work and my child, I occasionally go days without speaking to people. So, that is a bit different for me.
I even had one of the men show up with flowers for me and a flower for my daughter. She wasn't here at the time, of course, but I thought that was very thoughtful of him. Her name is a flower so he gave me 6 for me and a single colored flower of the same type for her.
Maybe I've just been treated so indifferently for so long that it strikes me as very nice.
Anyway, I'm just enjoying the ride.Comment
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Just reading this thread makes me twitch.
I hated dating when I was single, hated it! My husband was a guy who hung out in our group of friends and we became very good friends first. We basically went from close friends to engaged. There wasn't the "we need to date to get to know each other" thing.
For me personally, here are some things I would consider:
1. Established career that he enjoys (no career changes this late in life for me, late 40s)
2. Same faith and beliefs as I have (Christian)
3. Has a good reputation with his friends and family
4. College educated (I know that sounds snobby, but with 2 MAs, I don't think I have a lot in common with someone without at least a BA.)
5. Someone who loves life and enjoys people and fun family activities.
6. Secure in who he is.Comment
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