What things would you consider when looking for a mate?

[Reggie]

So word spreads fast and now I have a bunch of guys asking me out. I am not currently dating since I've only been divorced a short time. I was separated for many months, however. What are some things that you would consider as significantly important when deciding to date someone. I have a 7 year old daughter and I'm certain I don't want to date anyone with children. My ex is 1000 miles away so I shouldn't have too much drama in that regard.

I know I want financial responsibility and I'm leaning towards my age or younger.

My life is certainly changing. I'm feeling pretty good about things finally.

[cardtrick]

If I didn't have kids, I would never consider dating anyone with kids. My gf would have to be an atheist, or at least agnostic or she would have to realize that there in almost zero chance that I would start believing at any point in the future. It's not going to happen and if she things she can 'fix' me, she'd be clearly mistaken.

Intelligence is more important to me than looks. Education level doesn't matter but she'd have to be more into reading than into shopping and putting on makeup. I think this naturally leads to financial responsibility. Bonus points if she's outdoorsy, younger than me and doesn't care to get married. I want to be with someone because I enjoy spending time with them and not because some document says we have to.

[MonkeyMama]

Well, Good Luck!

I'd focus less on the typical "laundry list" and look for greater clues about character and compatibility. IT is important to have similar values and goals. To generally want the same things out of life (to live in the same places, to have or not have kids, etc.).

I think it's pretty obvious if someone is materialistic-focused or if they are more of a saver. Just pay attention to the clues the other person is putting off about their financial values. Discuss it as it comes up or as the relationship has promise. Try to meet people through more frugal activities (like at the library) or suggest more frugal dates and see how they respond.

Things that were good clues for my own spouse: worked very hard/responsible, big saver, frugal, very close to his family, well-respected by friends, treats others well, worships me but not in a creepy way.

I believe in 50/50 in a relationship. So, if a man was going to insist on paying for everything and "taking care of me" it just wasn't going to work. I knew there was a LONG line of women who like that kind of thing. (I also had absolutely no interest in the opposite side of that - I am no sugar mama). Thankfully we live in a day and age where this is not hard to find. Know what you are willing to compromise on, for whom, but don't be something you are not. I think a good marriage probably takes some compromise. This is hard for me to explain in words because I really don't believe in compromising on anything important. But the idea that there is someone perfect out there where you don't compromise *anything* I think is just an unrealistic ideal. Be firm in your values and wants and being self aware, but don't be unrealistic.

Finally, be conscious of breaking old relationship patterns, and don't just look for someone polar opposite of last spouse. Seriously, maybe make a list of what went right and what went wrong and just seriously meditate on that.

[Reggie]

Yea, I've been thinking about this quite a bit. I want someone responsible and that shares my work ethic and frugal mentality; however, if I look for men in a library or other frugal places, I will have to discern the reason they are there. Many people go to the library because they can't afford books. I want someone who has a few hundred thousand saved and doesn't want to spend it on books. .

I have been studying my relationships and my goals for my life. I don't want to miss out on a wonderful man because he doesn't meet my 50 criteria but I also want to be extremely particular in getting my true needs met.

[MonkeyMama]

It sounds like you have a good attitude about it.

Honestly, in my personal experience, people who are wasteful with money would never go to a library. But I guess my point is more not to hang out in places that cost money and expect to find frugal people.

[willuc8]

It sounds like you have a good attitude about it. I agree

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Go to match.com or eharmony and have fun. Enjoy meeting people and something will turn up.

[Reggie]

Oh my! I would rather chew off my finger than join a dating site. I am currently holding off but I may have drinks with a couple of guys this week, barring last minute excuses. .

[dojo]

Reggie, never say never

I met my husband online. Well, I was doing a local radio show and he'd write to get some music broadcasted (it was a by request show). After 2 years we decided to meet just so that he can see my face, after listening to my shows all this time. It wasn't a date, I did meet other people like this at the radio or for a drink.

We had quite a good time chatting and then he asked if he could meet me again. I was off a 3 year relationship, he was alone, but it wasn't still a date.

After few of these meetings he realized there's something more serious and he's not just simply enjoying my company and we started dating. It's been almost 11 years

Back then I was being 'courted' by 3 guys. Here was my list:
1. he doesn't drink (am not talking a beer, am talking I don't want anyone to get drunk near me).
2. he has a job and a good education - I'm educated myself and never stayed out of a job/business. I don't expect my man to support me, but I will not support him either, we both need to work and bring in the money.
3. has a sense of humor.
4. doesn't look too ugly
5. same age as me or older. Younger men tend to act like kids, so my guy was a great pick. He's 11 years my senior and really helped me mature faster (I was 24 back then)

Overall I expect a guy to be nice and respectful, know how to laugh at a good joke and be able to support himself. I seem to have gotten a great deal

[KTP]

I would look for someone smarter than I am (which is who I found). This is somewhat a catch22 because it can be argued I was smarter for tricking her into marrying me.

[annibe11e]

What would I look for?

Similar belief system: For me, that's atheist, social liberal.

Agreement on future plans: This includes children (no more, thanks), location (totally open to living anywhere. I have no roots), retirement lifestyle (solid home base by that time and lots of travel).

Current financial state. Full time job (or any means of being monetarily self-sufficient), saving for retirement, not currently accumulating credit card debt.

Listen to your gut. Always.

[Reggie]

Thanks everyone. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I'm going to a wine tasting on Thursday after work with a gentleman that a colleague suggested. He's 8 years younger than I am but we seem to have a little in common. He seems like a nice guy. Guys my age seems to be really "old" as in out of shape, boring, tv watching, unhealthy lifestyles, etc. I know it's not everyone, I'm not making a blanket statement. I'm 39 years old, I'm not Demi Moore but Ashton seems so much more fun than Donald Trump.

Anyway, we shall see.

[MonkeyMama]

Listen to your gut. Always.

+1

I think that is really the best advice - be in tune with yourself and listen to your instincts. I think that's honestly the most of it. (I am a very logical and slow and careful person, so it creeps me out to this day that honestly when I met my spouse it was a "love at first sight" thing. I can look back the past 18 years and tell you all the reasons it was obvious he was such a great guy, but the truth was a gut feeling. After that and several other experiences, I just listen to my gut. I might not understand it, but it has never steered me wrong. & that means not ignoring our instincts just because a guy is really hot. ).

To OP - good luck on your date!

[ideasonfinancing]

Marrying someone with a little bit of financial motive never crossed my mind until I found this post. I thought this scenario happens in movies only.

Oh well... You really have to consider your feelings. Everything is possible if you go hand in hand with your partner through everything.

[fruitbowlk]

A mate should have these qualities or be trying hard to possess these fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. A person heart should be so lost in God that a They must seek GOD in order to find Their mate.