My Christmas Experiment

[Beppington]

I would be an amazing sister. But alas, I'm a stoopid man.

Haha! I thought I read somewhere thru all this that you have boy parts.

[HistoryChick]

I would be an amazing sister. But alas, I'm a stoopid man.

Heh -strong party foul. Sorry

[disneysteve]

He won't discuss his financial affairs with her. She gets dribs and drabs of info to piece the story together.

As much as you may not want to see her get divorced, it might be time to accept the fact that that is exactly where this is heading and it might not be such a bad thing. Not all marriages are worth saving.

I'll say again that this is NOT a money problem and you giving them more money won't fix it. It will just result in you having less money.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Hurrmmm... With me thinking of credit ratings and reports today, it occurs to me that perhaps your sister might want to check on those for both herself and her husband. It might give her more information than her DH is giving her.

[snafu]

Your generous monetary gifting might be better used in a college fund you silently set up for your nephews. If you feel nephews are unable to participate in activities due to lack of money, you could provide fees/tickets aware that you are helping BIL escape his obligations.

Is there any evidence that convinces DS and you that BIL would be a better steward of $$ if he was an employee rather than self employed? The information you provided suggests primary provider is DS who reluctantly chose to rescue DH financially earlier... before the housing/building bubble burst. The whole truck buying scenario speaks volumes

[wincrasher]

Don't know if he'd ever be a better steward of money - doubt it, but if he got a job at least there would be a few dollars to buy some groceries or pay an electric bill. Right now he's got nothing coming in.

She suspects that some things have not been paid in a while- things that were his responsibility - like the car insurance - she is checking on that this week. Their phone was shut off months ago and he cancelled his life insurance.

Checking their credit reports is a good idea - I expect hers would be ok - bur her utilization is high, so maybe not. His is in the tank for sure. Funny, but her credit card interest rates are MUCH lower than mine!

[disneysteve]

She suspects that some things have not been paid in a while- things that were his responsibility - like the car insurance - she is checking on that this week. Their phone was shut off months ago and he cancelled his life insurance.

Whoa! Wait a second. You said in your first post:

She handles all the money in their household - he husband can't be trusted to pay any bills on time, or at all.

If she handles all of the money and pays all of the bills, why does she not know if the car insurance has been paid? Why was the phone shut off? Why wasn't his insurance premium paid? Even if, for some reason, paying those bills was "his responsibility" that is no excuse for her not keeping on top of things knowing how lousy he was with money.

[cicy33]

I think whether or not she gets divorced the debts if they were incurred while they are married become community property don't they? even if they are not in her name? of course since she paid 45k of them with her card they are! Perhaps you could just help her with her card as long as she doesn't allow her husband to use it at all. Obviously he can't get more credit if he is in that much trouble so he is limited to how much more trouble he can cause. and she could pay off the card and he would be none the wiser. obviously he doesn't pay attention to the bills. I can see where money can push for divorce. lack of money and stress of bills can push people areas they never thought they would go.

[cicy33]

p.s. you are an amazing sibling!

[wincrasher]

Sorry, there are so many details - some things get left out.

At one time, they had divided the bills so it was an even split. Over time, she took on more and more as he failed to keep current. She did take on all the "critical" items such as the mortgage, electric bill, etc.

In the last few months, he was down to the insurance payment (since it only comes every 6 months) and the phone. Yes, she needs to check after him and that is what she is doing, but she always gives him the chance to do the right thing first, then ends up cleaning up the mess second.

The only reason there is anything on her cards was because she did a balance transfer. He was paying like 24% and she could get like 6% or so, so she thought it best for their family to do the transfer and lower the expense. Of course what happened was that he charged his own cards back up at the high rates and never made good to pay on her cards.

To add insult to injury, he won't even be a decent house-husband while he's out of work. She does the grocery shopping, picks up the kids, cleans the house, etc. All she can tell that he's doing is sleeping in late, yaking on the phone and playing on facebook.

[disneysteve]

Obviously he can't get more credit if he is in that much trouble

Don't be so sure. If her credit score is still ok, he could list her on the application and put a new account in both names. Unfortunately, he could do that without her knowing about it the way the system is set up.

[wincrasher]

One thing I can't get a straight answer on is can he declare personal bankruptcy without dragging her into it?

If so, I think she could be better off if he declared bankruptcy and then they divorced. If they divorced first, her assets could get wiped out with his debt.

[cschin4]

Our dear mother keeps telling her to divorce. Over money. It's alot of pressure I'm sure. But other than finances, her husband is a good guy, attentive father, etc. He's just really laid back, not ambitious. His family is full of really sucessful people, so it's really hard to understand.
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Why does mom want to encourage divorce, especially if there are kids involved? Have they considered marriage counseling? If you want to give them money, I would offer to pay for that. It really is helpful and if it is possible to save the marriage and bring the family together it would be well worth it. Maybe the father isn't very ambitious. So what? Some people are just not. But, if he could agree to get a regular job and bring in some regular income and they could agree to live within their means, then they could have a very nice life together.

[wincrasher]

Mom is on her 3rd husband if that tells you anything.

[cschin4]

Mom is on her 3rd husband if that tells you anything.
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Just a point. When one gets married, it is very important NOT to tell your inlaws or parents your marital problems. I NEVER discuss my husband with my mom because it would result in her being mad after I have already gotten over it.