My Christmas Experiment

[Beppington]

Our dear mother keeps telling her to divorce. Over money. It's alot of pressure I'm sure. But other than finances, her husband is a good guy, attentive father, etc. He's just really laid back, not ambitious. His family is full of really sucessful people, so it's really hard to understand.
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Why does mom want to encourage divorce, especially if there are kids involved? Have they considered marriage counseling? If you want to give them money, I would offer to pay for that. It really is helpful and if it is possible to save the marriage and bring the family together it would be well worth it. Maybe the father isn't very ambitious. So what? Some people are just not. But, if he could agree to get a regular job and bring in some regular income and they could agree to live within their means, then they could have a very nice life together.

For some people that is being very ambitious. Especially if, without doing those things, the wife, or the wife's brother, is providing the money.

[cicy33]

Sorry, there are so many details - some things get left out.

At one time, they had divided the bills so it was an even split. Over time, she took on more and more as he failed to keep current. She did take on all the "critical" items such as the mortgage, electric bill, etc.

In the last few months, he was down to the insurance payment (since it only comes every 6 months) and the phone. Yes, she needs to check after him and that is what she is doing, but she always gives him the chance to do the right thing first, then ends up cleaning up the mess second.

The only reason there is anything on her cards was because she did a balance transfer. He was paying like 24% and she could get like 6% or so, so she thought it best for their family to do the transfer and lower the expense. Of course what happened was that he charged his own cards back up at the high rates and never made good to pay on her cards.

To add insult to injury, he won't even be a decent house-husband while he's out of work. She does the grocery shopping, picks up the kids, cleans the house, etc. All she can tell that he's doing is sleeping in late, yaking on the phone and playing on facebook.

Actually it sounds like she is more fed up than just about money. Perhaps her husband just needs a wake up call. Whatever happened to taking a break instead of rushing to a divorce. maybe she could show him life without her temporarily in the hopes he would straighten up. I have seen people that this did work. Some people do not know what they have until it is gone or threatened to be gone.

[Snippa]

I know that I'm new here, and I certainly don't have a dog in this fight, but I'd like to comment, if you don't mind. While I know the desire to help your sister and see her marriage saved, what the others have said here is really applicable... you can't fix this problem for her.

I have a sister who was a drug addict for 25 years (clean for 18 months now--thank the Lord!). Because of her children, and my love for her, my husband and I continued to give her money, pay her rent, buy a place for her to live, and more. We wanted to help, but we truly couldn't fix her problems until she was ready to fix them herself.

I realize this issue isn't quite the same, but my point is that while you certainly love your sister, isn't this something she and her husband have to fix on their own regardless of how difficult that is for you to watch?

Just a complete outsider's opinion... and I certainly feel the hurt you must be feeling and understand your desire to help. Wish it were so easy...

Dee

[wincrasher]

Update -

BIL got a job with the Census. He'll be in charge of the operation for our town. He was telling me that they actually were having trouble finding people that were mentally capable of working for the Census. Sad.

He also got his Dad to get his friend who owns a used car dealership to find a decent car for him. He found a '97 minivan with 150k miles for $1800.

So hopefully he's on a good track now. Don't know how long these Census jobs last.

I did decide to give my sister the $1500 a month until they are back on their feet. We'll see how that goes.

[BlackDiamond]

Any updates OP?

[wincrasher]

Actually yes. His part time job at the Census hasn't really amounted to much money. He also got a part-time job stocking items at local grocery stores. So my guess he's bringing in $200-$300 a week.

Since December I've been giving my sister $1500 a month. So they are current on the mortgage and other bills.

Found out they did their taxes in January and were due a $7500 refund. BIL was very excited since he calculated how long he would not have to work. I advised sister to refuse to sign it until April 15 so he would get off his ass and get a job. She agreed. She also agreed to use that money as an emergency fund! She was mentioning to me last weekend that she still hasn't signed it or sent it in yet.

News has come down that the school district has to make major cuts for the fall. Sis will know in a few weeks if she is effected - her principal has in the past indicated that her department is most easy to make big cuts. So even though her situation has stabilized for now, it may get much worse in the months ahead.