Adult children living at home

[Hot dog]

I think it is ridiculous to say that those who are for paying rent are just jealous of those who do not. It is just a difference of opinion not about jelousy. It is an individual family's decision. In my opinion, it does instill a sense of pride and feeling like your contributing to the family. It also shows that you can empathize and not think it is all about you. Be able to see how your actions affect those around you. Well spent that was an interesting article. It mentioned another thing that I wondered about. If they are over 18 do you still have rules. What if they pay rent? Can they still have a curfew? I don't think I would allow them to ever have their boyfriend or girlfrien sleep over at least not in the same room. Even if they are visiting and live together in another state. They would still have to respect my rules.

[MonkeyMama]

Huge issue where I Am from. BEcause it is a very HCOLA, it is common to stay home into the 30s.

Anyway, my experience was parents expected me out of the house, and largely on my own, age 18. Though many people would see this as harsh, I See it as a great gift. Of course, my parents always made this clear to me from a young age, and gave me the tools to be very self sufficient.

On the flip side, I know some people who stayed home rather long, BUT their parents prepared them for self sufficiency and they were all happy with the arrangements for various reasons. So I think in itself, living at home as an adult is not bad.

BUT, most of my parent's friends today deal with kids who stayed home, sometimes into their 30s, and expect financial support about as long. They always ask my parents how they did it, as if they were some miracle workers. I haven't asked my parents for a dime since I Was like 20. I do have quite a few friends who live at home simply because they feel trapped. Their parents spoiled them, they have no idea how to take care of themselves, and now that their parents want them out and are getting aggressive about it, they have no idea what to do.

I find that part sad. When I look back at the life I have lived the last 13 years, I can't envision being under my parent's wing for that long, and not knowing how to take care of myself. That is just plain wrong. A lot of parents have good intentions but are setting up their kids for failure.

My spouse falls a little in the middle. He had a free ride for college and lived at home. He is somewhat self sufficient though, BUT since he married right out of college, he has NEVER lived on his own. & it shows. I think he relies on me financially a little more than he should. He always worked so hard in college I never thought much of it, but he does seem to struggle with self sufficiency on some level. I just think it's probably good to live on your own and take care of yourself. Even in college because you may never have that opportunity again. He may have turned out a little different if he had even lived on his own at all, that's the thing with him. No college dorm or anything. He's always struggled more on the job front, though he has absolutely excelled at any job he has had. I think I have just always had to hustle a little more. For him, if he didn't get the job, his mom or his wife would pay the bills. For me, I HAD to get the job. Since he worked so hard in college I didn't necessarily *See* this before we married. & you know, this is someone who moved out on their own right out of college. Still a little too spoiled if you ask me. It's partly personality, but the way our parents raised us is very night and day in many regards. His mom was upset I didn't move back home after college. Like I just moved out at 18 and rented an apartment because it was "fun." ????? I mean, what world is she living in? She really thought I should have lived at home until we married though, for whatever reason. She clearly didn't grasp how on my own I Was through college.

[disneysteve]

I've been married for 16 years and living on my own for 22 so I admit that I may not have a realistic view of what current young adults are faced with out there. I have to wonder, though, how much of the boomerang phenomenon is actually due to economic conditions and how much is due to folks being spoiled and expecting too much when they first set out on their own.

My first apartment was a tiny efficiency, one room with a tiny kitchen and bathroom. I slept on a sofa bed that I folded up each morning so I could walk across the room. I had roaches in the kitchen. My furniture consisted of the sofa that I bought at a used furniture store, a hand-me-down dresser a desk that I trash-picked and a "coffee table" that was actually a wooden cable spool. I had some milk crates for shelves and that was about it. It certainly wasn't the lifestyle that I had been used to in my parents' house. And I was lucky. Many of my friends couldn't have their own place. They were living with 2 or 3 other people to keep costs down.

Are kids today doing that? Or are they expecting to move out and maintain the same standard of living that they enjoyed at home?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I am younger than you steve and I can't imagine living at home. But like Monkeymama, I know tons who do. Might explain why most of the people I know are still single at 30+.

Gotta grow up sometime.

[SacredFaerie]

Sacred Fairie I dont know if you meant too but you just sounded like a big spoiled brat. What do you mean you would never pay rent to live in your mom's house and wouldnt feel right bout it. The key here is that it is your mom's house. You would feel better living and taking advantage of her kindness while she worked hard to maintain the house and you just spent your money on miscellaneous things. I do not understand that mentality. I would never feel like it is anyone elses responsibility but my own to take care of me.

It's not necassarily rent but money to help with expenses... like food, cable, electric, etc.

I wouldn't feel right paying my mother money for those things. I think part of the reason is that she'd have them anyway. She tends to buy large portions and just freeze what isn't used right then. And our local power company offers a budget plan where they average the previous 12 months and you pay that. (The 12 months before you sign up for this budget plan.) I wouldn't be spending my money on random crap though. I'd be paying for the same things I paid for when I was still in high school.

• Gas (unless I ran some errands for her then she'd shoot me some money.)
• Any hygiene expenses
• Pleasure expenses

The following are things she pays now because I'm in school. If I were in school and living at home she'd keep paying them. If I weren't in school I'd have to pay them regardless of where I was living.

• Cell phone
• Car Insurance
• Health insurance

My mother's stance is that she got her education and worked as hard as she has so she could give her children better than she had growing up and so that she could propel them further. YOU can try agree with my mother if you want to but I've learn better by now! Honestly she would want me to save the money for a place of my own down the road. But I'd have to be doing something with myself.

Again this is all what ifs. I live with my man.

[SacredFaerie]

I've been married for 16 years and living on my own for 22 so I admit that I may not have a realistic view of what current young adults are faced with out there. I have to wonder, though, how much of the boomerang phenomenon is actually due to economic conditions and how much is due to folks being spoiled and expecting too much when they first set out on their own.

My first apartment was a tiny efficiency, one room with a tiny kitchen and bathroom. I slept on a sofa bed that I folded up each morning so I could walk across the room. I had roaches in the kitchen. My furniture consisted of the sofa that I bought at a used furniture store, a hand-me-down dresser a desk that I trash-picked and a "coffee table" that was actually a wooden cable spool. I had some milk crates for shelves and that was about it. It certainly wasn't the lifestyle that I had been used to in my parents' house. And I was lucky. Many of my friends couldn't have their own place. They were living with 2 or 3 other people to keep costs down.

Are kids today doing that? Or are they expecting to move out and maintain the same standard of living that they enjoyed at home?

Some of my peers actually expect to maintain the same standards. Many don't want to move out until they can have what they'd had in their parents' home.

[mommyof4]

Some of my peers actually expect to maintain the same standards. Many don't want to move out until they can have what they'd had in their parents' home.

I agree. They immediately expect to have what took their parents 25 years to achieve.

[disneysteve]

Some of my peers actually expect to maintain the same standards. Many don't want to move out until they can have what they'd had in their parents' home.

I agree. They immediately expect to have what took their parents 25 years to achieve.

We do our best to explain to our daughter that we didn't always have what we have now. We started with a lot less and worked our way up and the time will come when she'll have to do the same. Each generation advances, though. I'm sure I started out with a lot more than my parents started with, and they started with more than their parents before them.

[SacredFaerie]

The thread I was reading was of a 23 yr old that was making 30,000 and not paying rent living with parents although looking for a place to stay. I thought I remembered in the past people saying they would not charge their children rent and I wondered why not.

That person could have been paying down loans and saving for a home. Just a thought.

Our daughter knows that she is expected to live on campus during college, not at home. After college, she is expected to have her own place. That's not to say that we wouldn't assist her as needed, just that at 21 it is time for her to start her own life and not be living with her parents.

If she's close enough to commute why pay that extra money in student costs though?

Yes, this is also true.

Expectations must be attainable. What if jobs were not available, and the child in question could not get a job or keep that job? What if that adult child decides to go back to college and get another degree in a different field? Does "paying rent" stop for those folks who say that college "is work" or is this viewed differently because it's a second degree?

Even though a child is "known" by the parents (usually), the "change" (going from living alone to living back at home) and "stress" (of meeting parents expectations and the child's own need to get back out), means that there's going to be changes with "expectations" as well.

Conflicts will arise; flexiblilty, compromise and understanding is also part of "family" life.

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Parenting is not an "easy" task. The reverse is also true. Being an "adult child" is not "easy" either.

Unfortunately the day may arise when it's you "the child," trying to take care of one or more aging parents.

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And that's my problem with this thread ; I'm looking at it from the reverse.

I would love to be able to offer my aging folks a place to stay with me and DH, but we have no space. Nor would they be interested. But their ability to take care of themselves and each other seems to be rapidly declining.

Could me & DH live with them? No. They don't have the space either.

And frankly, we'd drive each other insane.

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Life does not always present clear cut solutions.

Very very very good points.

We do our best to explain to our daughter that we didn't always have what we have now. We started with a lot less and worked our way up and the time will come when she'll have to do the same. Each generation advances, though. I'm sure I started out with a lot more than my parents started with, and they started with more than their parents before them.

That is where I think a lot of parents trip up. My mom made it very clear my dad and her had to work and work for what they have.

[Seeker]

I think it is ridiculous to say that those who are for paying rent are just jealous of those who do not. It is just a difference of opinion not about jelousy. It is an individual family's decision. In my opinion, it does instill a sense of pride and feeling like your contributing to the family. It also shows that you can empathize and not think it is all about you. Be able to see how your actions affect those around you. Well spent that was an interesting article. It mentioned another thing that I wondered about. If they are over 18 do you still have rules. What if they pay rent? Can they still have a curfew? I don't think I would allow them to ever have their boyfriend or girlfrien sleep over at least not in the same room. Even if they are visiting and live together in another state. They would still have to respect my rules.

Hotdog, I do not disagree that it is each person's choice. I have absolutely no problems with any people living togther -- family or not. Mixed genders or same. I rarely judge other's home situation because I know that I know nothing really about their home lives -- nor the reasoning behind it. It's not any of my business. I judge people only on what they do and say directly to me; otherwise I take everything else with a grain of salt.

We each have numerous faces that we present... depending on where we are (work, home, with friends, alone, with family, and even with different people within each of those groups). We are very different with different people... all depending on our experiences and interactions, depending on the situation, the mood and a whole bunch of externals as well as internals. Each and every thing we say and do, makes a little bit of difference and perceptions greatly differ.

But, I do think that some of the tones that I hear when I read some of the words here in this thread, do present some jealousy.

I do think people compare too much and rarely do we know the entire situation of why some are living at home.

In many cultures it is the norm to live at home. It is expected. In my culture as well. I am first generation American... and I struggle with the ideas presented here and at work sometimes.

When I hear of work peers (younger than I mind you) wanting their HS grads to leave home... and knowing the economy and the struggle it is today to get and hold a job and know what you want to do in the future so that you can also go to college and get a degree and make you're own way in the world?

Do you know haw many HS grads don't even want to drive? It's a scary world out there.

Life is not a piece of cake.

[SacredFaerie]

I think it is ridiculous to say that those who are for paying rent are just jealous of those who do not. It is just a difference of opinion not about jelousy. It is an individual family's decision. In my opinion, it does instill a sense of pride and feeling like your contributing to the family. It also shows that you can empathize and not think it is all about you. Be able to see how your actions affect those around you. Well spent that was an interesting article. It mentioned another thing that I wondered about. If they are over 18 do you still have rules. What if they pay rent? Can they still have a curfew? I don't think I would allow them to ever have their boyfriend or girlfrien sleep over at least not in the same room. Even if they are visiting and live together in another state. They would still have to respect my rules.

That's another thing. I refuse to pay for a place and then not be able to do what I please. However living in my mother's home means dealing with her rules. Which is why I moved out. When we move away and then come back to visit if we're not married yet we'd get a hotel.

[disneysteve]

Our daughter knows that she is expected to live on campus during college, not at home.

If she's close enough to commute why pay that extra money in student costs though?

This is a totally separate topic, but my wife and I feel very strongly that there is a lot more to the college experience than what goes on in the classroom. I lived away for college. She commuted, and it is probably her biggest regret in life. College is not just about the book learning. It is about learning life lessons, learning to be an adult but in a controlled environment, learning to be independent, do your own laundry, be responsible for your own meals, what time you wake up, what time you go to sleep. And campus life is so rich in social and cultural experiences that you greatly miss out on if you hop in your car and drive home after class each day. Sure, you can hang out and party with your friends before going home, but I know from experience that it just isn't the same as actually being a part of it, living in the dorm.

I know others will disagree, but that's a topic for another thread.

[disneysteve]

That's another thing. I refuse to pay for a place and then not be able to do what I please.

That's a good point, but you do have a choice. You can pay what is probably a very reduced "rent" to live at home and follow your parents' rules or you can pay a lot more to live in your own place without the rules. It all depends on whether or not the rules are ones you are willing to live with in exchange for the cheap rent.

[PrincessPerky]

Every place has rules...mom wont let you stay up all night partying, but then when you move out you find your neighbors who are working hard don't want kept up by your party either. (or as I found my neighbor worked nights and didn't want me working out in the AM)

You don't want to do all the chores at home so you move out and find those roaches come when you don't do that same chore yourself.

Now I figure some kids have to try it on their own before they get they real reason for simple chores and regular hours of quiet.

Others can learn other ways. Nothing against kids who need to experience it to learn, just saying, Not all folk need it.

Take my kids, If I punish the younger for not doing her work, the older hops to it and gets busy.

If I punish the older, the younger keeps on ignoring the work. (till she gets her own punishment)

One learned from the others mistake, the other had to learn for herself.

Don't know if it will translate to anything else, I am just saying the idea that all folk must try it on their own to know what it is like, is assuming all folk learn the same.

That and assuming all folk need to learn the exact same lessons.

I might be biased, had to leave home at 17, and do not have a relationship with my mother or father where we could EVER live together. There was no understanding then or now.

While I do want independent children (in fact I try to get them as much responsibility as I can for as much of their life as I can, I hate when I have to step in and play parent past a certain point) I don't want to raise them to feel they have a deadline for moving out and doing it all alone.

I do see how it can be hard as a parent to let a kid fail though...I want what is best for my kids, and like the sims if you just do what I tell you to you will achieve your dreams and live happily ever after. So a mantra of 'let em fail' is important, and if you can 't let them do that at home, they need to move out.

[SacredFaerie]

This is a totally separate topic, but my wife and I feel very strongly that there is a lot more to the college experience than what goes on in the classroom. I lived away for college. She commuted, and it is probably her biggest regret in life. College is not just about the book learning. It is about learning life lessons, learning to be an adult but in a controlled environment, learning to be independent, do your own laundry, be responsible for your own meals, what time you wake up, what time you go to sleep. And campus life is so rich in social and cultural experiences that you greatly miss out on if you hop in your car and drive home after class each day. Sure, you can hang out and party with your friends before going home, but I know from experience that it just isn't the same as actually being a part of it, living in the dorm.

I know others will disagree, but that's a topic for another thread.

Yeah I don't want to get in depth in it here but I was just curious.

That's a good point, but you do have a choice. You can pay what is probably a very reduced "rent" to live at home and follow your parents' rules or you can pay a lot more to live in your own place without the rules. It all depends on whether or not the rules are ones you are willing to live with in exchange for the cheap rent.

My feeling is when you pay for lodging (other than a hotel) you pay to have some say (within reason) of your domain. Even if I were to pay rent to my mom that'd still be her house and her rules would still rule. Which is why I'd never do it. It's also why I would be VERY hesitant to do the renting a room thing, it's why I didn't do the dorm thing (that and I tend to clash with most other girls), and it's why if I ever rent an apartment with someone other than DB my name WILL be on the lease and I will conduct MYself in MY home as I see fit (within reason of course).