Adult children living at home

[LivingAlmostLarge]

That's the point exactly maat. My roomie brother bummed around for 5 years after college not even working. Wonder how he went out and meet his fiancee? Well parents paid for everything.

So now he finally is working and doing better but after how long?

[SacredFaerie]

I would never pay rent in my mother's home. That's my childhood home and it's something I just don't feel right about. However if I weren't in school oh yeah I'd have to have a job.

Not that it matters since I graduated June 2007 and moved in with my boyfriend Sept 2007.

[snafu]

With the economy still on a downward trajectory, I figure a lot of parents will find their adult children moving back home. I think they were called 'bunjee' in that they got jobs, apartments etc and then got bounced back home when out of work and unable to maintain their lifestyle.

The stats say there hasn't been much savings by this group as they paid for cars and SL.

[Hot dog]

Sacred Fairie I dont know if you meant too but you just sounded like a big spoiled brat. What do you mean you would never pay rent to live in your mom's house and wouldnt feel right bout it. The key here is that it is your mom's house. You would feel better living and taking advantage of her kindness while she worked hard to maintain the house and you just spent your money on miscellaneous things. I do not understand that mentality. I would never feel like it is anyone elses responsibility but my own to take care of me.

[arthurb999]

I would never pay rent in my mother's home. That's my childhood home and it's something I just don't feel right about. However if I weren't in school oh yeah I'd have to have a job.

Not that it matters since I graduated June 2007 and moved in with my boyfriend Sept 2007.

It's not necassarily rent but money to help with expenses... like food, cable, electric, etc.

[mommyof4]

I was just reading another post and it got me thinking what do you all think about a grown child over 18 living at home. Do you believe that if they are not going to college they should have a job. Also, if they are grown enough to make that decision aren't they grown enough to pay rent?

I think they should either be going to school or working full time. If working, they should help with household expenses. If going to school, they should help with chores, etc. around the house. No one that age should expect to get a free ride, though.

[mommyof4]

I recognize there are circumstances such as being extremely sick, a temporary stay such as a loss of a job, etc... There are exceptions to everything. But those should be EXCEPTIONS and not the rule.

I agree. I think caring for an ailing parent/sibling counts for a lot.

[irmanator]

my daughter was working full time while attending college full time, she was a miserable person to live with. So now she is looking for part time work. I would rather have that than the person she used to be when she was burning her candle at both ends. She was helping out with money too but i would rather not while she is in college.

[Seeker]

I'm not sure why this topic seems to come up from time to time.

If all family members (living in the same place) are satisfied with the situation, what gives us the right to judge?

This does not truely sound like an "age" or a "maturity" or any other kind of number thing.... it sounds like jealousy to me. And jealousy also shows a distinct lack of maturity.

We are jealous of someone taking advantage of the situation (in our view). We are jealous of someone even if they splurge and do not take advantage of the time to work and save. We are just plain jealous.

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To me, parents who expect thier kids to behave some way in the future, need to explain that expectation before that time arrives. If the adult child does not comply and the parents feel that that adult child could comply, then it's up to them to make it so. If said parent does nothing to remedy the situation, then they've made their choice.

By the same token, siblings should not have any say in the matter. Whether inside the house or already outside.

This is solely between parent(s) and the one child. And each parent(s) desires and expectations differ; sometimes even by tradition or by culture. Communication is always key; without it, and without follow-up, there will be no change.

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There are very situational needs and events that sometimes occur that make living together not only viable for both parties, but also very much wanted.

Today's economy, college, lack of work, health issues, home destruction issues (earthquake, fire, hurricane, flooding) etc.

Do we judge people harshly when they've been a victim of an accident totally without fault? Do we encourage them to live on the street instead of "live with folks" (there are millions of people who do not have the option to go back to Mom/Dad and/or would not take the option even if it were available to them)?

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When do we stop comparing, competing, and judging, and just do the best we can with what we each have?

What we think about a adult child living with folks is not material.... the only thing that is material is what they think.

[disneysteve]

To me, parents who expect thier kids to behave some way in the future, need to explain that expectation before that time arrives.

This is very true and I think this is where the problem arises. If an adult child wants to stay at home or move back home, it is up to the parent(s) to set ground rules and then enforce them. If there is money to be paid, decide up front how much and how often. If there is a deadline to move out, decide when that will be and what will happen if the deadline is missed.

Of course, all of that is easier said than done. If you tell your kid he has to pay $300 on the first of the month and he doesn't, what are you going to do? Are you going to throw his stuff out on the lawn and change the locks? It is a difficult situation whether expectations are communicated in advance or not, but at least communicating them lessens the chances of running into problems.

[Seeker]

This is very true and I think this is where the problem arises. If an adult child wants to stay at home or move back home, it is up to the parent(s) to set ground rules and then enforce them. If there is money to be paid, decide up front how much and how often. If there is a deadline to move out, decide when that will be and what will happen if the deadline is missed.

Of course, all of that is easier said than done. If you tell your kid he has to pay $300 on the first of the month and he doesn't, what are you going to do? Are you going to throw his stuff out on the lawn and change the locks? It is a difficult situation whether expectations are communicated in advance or not, but at least communicating them lessens the chances of running into problems.

Yes, this is also true.

Expectations must be attainable. What if jobs were not available, and the child in question could not get a job or keep that job? What if that adult child decides to go back to college and get another degree in a different field? Does "paying rent" stop for those folks who say that college "is work" or is this viewed differently because it's a second degree?

Even though a child is "known" by the parents (usually), the "change" (going from living alone to living back at home) and "stress" (of meeting parents expectations and the child's own need to get back out), means that there's going to be changes with "expectations" as well.

Conflicts will arise; flexiblilty, compromise and understanding is also part of "family" life.

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Parenting is not an "easy" task. The reverse is also true. Being an "adult child" is not "easy" either.

Unfortunately the day may arise when it's you "the child," trying to take care of one or more aging parents.

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And that's my problem with this thread ; I'm looking at it from the reverse.

I would love to be able to offer my aging folks a place to stay with me and DH, but we have no space. Nor would they be interested. But their ability to take care of themselves and each other seems to be rapidly declining.

Could me & DH live with them? No. They don't have the space either.

And frankly, we'd drive each other insane.

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Life does not always present clear cut solutions.

[maat55]

Of course, all of that is easier said than done. If you tell your kid he has to pay $300 on the first of the month and he doesn't, what are you going to do? Are you going to throw his stuff out on the lawn and change the locks? It is a difficult situation whether expectations are communicated in advance or not, but at least communicating them lessens the chances of running into problems.

This is when you find out how well you raised them.

[nmboone]

I live in my parent's house while going to school and I'll be 26 in March. I feel terrible about it, but there's no way I could live on my own at $400 a month or so. But! I am moving out as soon as possible, which is when I find a decent paying job after college in may (is it still possible? Let's hope!) I also pay for the cable and all my own bills like my car payment, insurance, my parent's insurance, cell phone, etc. I don't live "off" them really, but I do eat their food. I'm saving as much money as possible. Plus living here isn't all that great: for example I don't even have a room of my own! But it is very temporary.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

My stuff would have been left in the garage and I would have been asked to leave if i couldn't pay rent. Thankfully it didn't happen.

And my DH was kicked out with his dad for visiting his grandparents, and the locks were changed. He was called benedict arnold, traitor, ungrateful, stupid, etc. So I guess the answer is yes.

[Well Spent]

This issue is featured in today's Boston Globe:

Boomerang kids are returning home - The Boston Globe