Is staying home with the kids high risk behavior?

[fairy74]

I think that this book/discussion is helpful in that staying at home is always discussed as a good mom/bad mom issue and not usually in terms of the financial implications (aside from can I afford it for right now). I think the more information everyone has the better.

[disneysteve]

I have often wondered what I will do if (God forbid) something were to happen to my DH. Yes we have insurance so that I can continue to raise our little one as a stay at home Mommy but I'm not sure it will last the number of years I will be living (God willing)

That is a very simple problem to fix. Get more insurance on DH. Term life is quite cheap now. In fact, if you've had your policy more than 5 years, you are probably paying too much. Depending on your situation, debt, etc., you should have 10 times his income in coverage. A lot of people are underinsured, which is a shame since coverage is so inexpensive.

If I were to die, my wife would never have to go back to work as our savings and the insurance money would be more than enough for her to live out her life in the manner she is accustomed to if not better.

[vsjhoc]

What was the name of the book?

The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Steve that's fine but disabled is more likely than death. And how many people don't have disability on the spouse working? And the thing is disability doesn't pay 100% of income, so if the Stay at home spouse has t work? Then often it's hard to get a good job.

[starving_student]

Stay at home mom/ spouse are lazy. I work, go to school and take care of my household while trying to study for my board. It hits a nerve that some woman stay at home all day watching soap and state that they have the world toughest job.. ok they have to cook, clean, care for children yada yada yada. But I do cook, clean and will care for my children all this while working.

With a 50% divorce rate there is no way that I will put all my hope in someone providing for me, beside I would be ashamed surviving out of someone's else money without being able to provided for myself and my kids if need be. Beside, my future income potential is too high for me to afford the luxury to stay at home, it also sounds pretty boring. Watching soap while I can work my butt off trying to be useful to society? The choice seems easy to me.

[disneysteve]

Steve that's fine but disabled is more likely than death. And how many people don't have disability on the spouse working? And the thing is disability doesn't pay 100% of income, so if the Stay at home spouse has t work? Then often it's hard to get a good job.

Agreed. I thought nanamom was referring to what would happen if her DH died.

Disability insurance is something that most people don't think about. I got my policy about 15 years ago while I was still in training and upped my coverage a few times over the years.

As for not paying 100% of income, that's true but if the insured owns the policy, the proceeds are tax-free, so I only need to collect about 70% of my income to match my current take-home pay.

[cicy33]

Stay at home mom/ spouse are lazy. I work, go to school and take care of my household while trying to study for my board. It hits a nerve that some woman stay at home all day watching soap and state that they have the world toughest job.. ok they have to cook, clean, care for children yada yada yada. But I do cook, clean and will care for my children all this while working.

With a 50% divorce rate there is no way that I will put all my hope in someone providing for me, beside I would be ashamed surviving out of someone's else money without being able to provided for myself and my kids if need be. Beside, my future income potential is too high for me to afford the luxury to stay at home, it also sounds pretty boring. Watching soap while I can work my butt off trying to be useful to society? The choice seems easy to me.

While I totally respect your decision to work and raise kids, I don't believe you have a right to call people names that choose to stay home. I stayed home for the first two years as I wanted to be there for all the most important parts of my child's life. I was not able to keep doing that but at least I got two years. And believe it or not we don't all watch soaps. Perhaps your decision is not as happy a one as you make out? Cuz if it was you wouldn't be so bitter towards mothers that don't work. I think that a mother that chooses to stay home and is willing to sacrifice is a great thing. Personally, my kids would drive me crazy if I stayed home now, I love my job and they are not babies. Sometimes it is also a cost issue, daycare is really expensive and of course you have to worry about your kids while they are there. Make your choices, be happy with them but dont' put other people down because you want something different.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Some disability policies are taxable I've heard. They also don't kick in for 6 months or something. Also I think it's better to die because the money is better. But when a woman has been at home say 10 years and they have only minimal disability they are unable to make ends meet even with the disability.

That's the problem. Is sure in the book "The dual income trap" by elizabeth warren says people shouldn't be dependent on the second income. BUT she never addresses how does a stay at home spouse earn enough to support a family if they have been out of work for a long time? Their skills are not up to par? Then what? The family will suffer no matter what.

One guy I work with has a 10 year child and his wife doesn't work. They struggle to make ends me, no retirement savings, but his wife just doesn't have skills she feels to make a living. But she also doesn't go back to school get mroe skills.

[threebeansalad]

That is a very simple problem to fix. Get more insurance on DH. Term life is quite cheap now. In fact, if you've had your policy more than 5 years, you are probably paying too much. Depending on your situation, debt, etc., you should have 10 times his income in coverage. A lot of people are underinsured, which is a shame since coverage is so inexpensive.

I think the other issue is being able to support yourself in the case of a divorce. As a teen, I remember watching some of my friends' parents split up and seeing their moms really struggled financially because they had been out of the workforce for so long and lacked skills (at the time, it was familiarity with computers) to land a decent paying job.

Here's a reprint of an article in the NY Times 1/1/2006
New York Times 2006

Once an advocate for homemaking, Ms. Hekker found herself served divorce papers after 40 years of marriage.

It's an interesting read.

[tinapbeana]

oh wow... that was just too sad

[simpleyme]

I think this is a great topic and i want to read the book

I do not agree with post 21 about stay at homes being lazy, and have no shame about living off my DH money LOL

although I work DH has always made more money than me

I did stay home for 9 years during that time I bought real estate and if I were divorced we both would be fine I think if you work together to build wealth if divorce happened you would be okay,working seperatly I think the wealth building would be hindered and the odds of divorce amplified

[disneysteve]

Some disability policies are taxable I've heard. They also don't kick in for 6 months or something.

It may vary. What I've always learned is that if you pay your own premiums, the proceeds are tax-free but if someone else, like your employer, pays them, then it is taxable.

Is sure in the book "The dual income trap" by elizabeth warren says people shouldn't be dependent on the second income. BUT she never addresses how does a stay at home spouse earn enough to support a family if they have been out of work for a long time? Their skills are not up to par? Then what? The family will suffer no matter what.

I read that book a while ago and honestly don't remember the details, but I distinctly recall disagreeing with much of the basic premise. I have to borrow it from the library and reread it so I can discuss it intelligently again.

One guy I work with has a 10 year child and his wife doesn't work. They struggle to make ends me, no retirement savings, but his wife just doesn't have skills she feels to make a living. But she also doesn't go back to school get mroe skills.

That's just a cop-out. Surely, an able-bodied woman can find work that would help their situation. Maybe she couldn't bring in 75K, but if they are having that much trouble, every little bit helps. Heck, I picked up a pizza the other night and there was a sign in the window that they were hiring drivers at $15/hr (plus tips). Not much skill needed there.

[vsjhoc]

Is sure in the book "The dual income trap" by elizabeth warren says people shouldn't be dependent on the second income. BUT she never addresses how does a stay at home spouse earn enough to support a family if they have been out of work for a long time? Their skills are not up to par? Then what? The family will suffer no matter what.

I read that book a while ago and honestly don't remember the details, but I distinctly recall disagreeing with much of the basic premise. I have to borrow it from the library and reread it so I can discuss it intelligently again.

I read the book years ago too. I believe her point was not simply that families should be able to subsist on one income.

According to her (and her daughter, the co-author), the "trap" that forces both spouses to work is that we want our kids to have the best possible opportunities.

To achieve this, they need to go to the best colleges they can get into.

To get into college, they either have to go to private elementary and high schools (which can cost as much as college) or live in neighborhoods which have the best public schools.

Those neighborhoods have the most expensive houses. The houses are not pricier because they're nicer; they sell for more because that's what the market will bear.

So her point is that this desire for kids to do well drives the price of housing up, which forces both the husband and the wife into the work force to make ends meet. Then they lose one income (due to an inevitable layoff, divorce, disability, or death) and it all falls apart.

Hey, don't argue with me. I'm just recalling what Dr. Warren's point was. I don't even have kids.

[fairy74]

I think the other issue is being able to support yourself in the case of a divorce. As a teen, I remember watching some of my friends' parents split up and seeing their moms really struggled financially because they had been out of the workforce for so long and lacked skills (at the time, it was familiarity with computers) to land a recent paying job.

Here's a reprint of an article in the NY Times 1/1/2006
New York Times 2006

Once an advocate for homemaking, Ms. Hekker found herself served divorce papers after 40 years of marriage.

It's an interesting read.

I totally agree....there is life insurance and disability insurance, but no insurance against divorce and for anyone that thinks alimony or child support will kick in right away, think again! First it will probably be way less then you think it will and with a creative lawyer the spouse paying the support can stretch out the negotiations about support almost indefinitely...No one wants to think about getting a divorce, but the reality is for 1 in 2 people in our country it will happen.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

I was a SAHM, mostly, and I do think it has effected my employability. And yes, I did see it as a bit of a risk in that respect. I'd do it again though. Or if things worked out differently, I could be the wage earner and my husband the SAHF. He'd have been great at it. I see two things as having major input in determining who stayed home: The anatomical fact that I was the one with the ability to breastfeed, and the headstart in the workworld that my husband had due to being older than me.

As to the comment that moms who stay home with the kids are lazy---well, I think it takes stamina to do it well. I did get a second degree while I was a SAHM, improved my second language while a SAHM, ran a small parttime internet business while a SAHM, homeschooled while a SAHM, learned to play a musical instrument while a SAHM, began a public display garden while a SAHM, and volunteered many, many hours while a SAHM. But absolutely I believe that my best and largest energy went into loving and parenting my child. Some of my days felt incredibly leisurely, it is true. But I believe I used that apparent leisure very well for both myself and my family, sometimes for the greater community. Out of that leisure, I accomplished some good things, that made life better and richer.

Do you suppose I really spent time watching TV as a SAHM? The idea the SAHMs spend substantial time doing things like that suggests that the accuser has little idea what there is to do with life beyond earning money or vegging in front of the TV. Believe me, there are endless, wonderful things to do. Who would want to stuff their brain, spirit, and volition in a box like that? Not me.